This has been one of the most difficult seasons that I have ever walked. In this season we have walked through mental illness with my daughter, addiction recovery with my husband, rehabs, relapse, financial struggles of epic proportions, hurting hearts, broken dreams, broken spirits, broken hearts...times when I fell to my knees...no...I fell to my face before my Father and cried out with everything in me. Times when the hurt and pain I felt within would not even let me speak...so I groaned...and I cried....and I sat in silence just thinking and thinking. There have been times when I have seen the Holy Spirit provide in ways that left me breathless with wonder. There have been times when I have seen the body of Christ come together and support our family just a God intended....and there have been times when I have had to walk away from friendships because they have not understood why I stood by my daughter or my husband.....I have gained beautiful friends along this season....and I have lost some dear friends as well. That is part of the journey I guess.....
But the one thing that I have NOT lost....the one thing that I held tightly to with everything in me...the one thing that I clung to with every breath, every groan, every cry....was hope. Hope would not leave my heart alone. It would not abandon me ever....no...hope was always able to break through the tears, the pain, and the despair and bring a gentle breeze to my spirit. That hope was a beautiful gift...still is. It is everything that I stand on...hope. What is hope? Merriam-Webster defines is as this: to expect with confidence : trust. I love that! To expect with confidence!!
I know my Father. I know His Word. I KNOW that He is always active in every detail of my life. These are things that no one or no circumstance can take away from me. Because I know my Father. It is truly that simple. So even though there may be times when I don't understand or like something that is going on....I can still have hope...to expect with confidence...that God is doing great things. During some of the most painful moments I walked during this time, I would be reminded that I need to sink my heels into what I did know...which was that I was a daughter of the King of Kings, that I was beloved and adored by my heavenly Father, that I was sealed and protected by the blood of Jesus, and that NOTHING could take away my faith...my hope....unless I chose to let it.
I have learned in so many ways that I am not to put my hope in the created, but instead ALWAYS in the Creator! God has never, ever, not once, left me. He has walked through every part of this journey with me always drawing me closer to His heart and giving me a deeper desire to learn more and more of His ways.....His heart. The other thing I have learned is that the enemy is very active in the war against us. Sometimes I think we can almost forget that through the craziness of life....but the enemy never forgets his mission. He has one goal that has been clearly defined in Scripture for us: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy John 10:10. And also in 1 Peter 5:8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. It is very, very, very real. And I will not walk ignorantly or blindly anymore. I will walk with the authority of being the King of Kings daughter! I will walk in the confidence of HOPE! I will battle the enemy with the weapons that God gave me to do so....His Word. I have learned how very important it is for me to fight for my marriage....my children....with the Truth of God's Word. And with that knowledge comes even more hope!
Just a few months ago, I was certain that my marriage was ending....and that I would have to sit and watch my husband self destruct. I was certain that my heart would rupture within my chest from the pain that I felt as I watched my daughter walk through such darkness. And yet through it all....there was hope. How can this be? How can we possibly walk through such darkness and still feel hope? Because of Jesus. Because Jesus has already conquered death and the grave and fear and it has no authority over my life! Because God has given us through His Scripture many beautiful reminders of our brothers and sisters that have walked the journey before us where there should have been no hope...and there was! When things appeared to be the darkest....God was working. When things appeared to be full of despair....God was bringing gentle hope....He IS hope. ALWAYS. He does not change.
So friends....my dear sisters and brothers....even though at this very moment your heart may be so weary. You may be exhausted from crying and crying out. Your spirit may feel a heaviness that makes it difficult to even function....hope will return. Know this. Know that God is speaking hope over your life! Know that God is so active right now in the midst of that most desperate situation that you are in! Take a minute and just stop...right now....and sink your heels into who you know God is.
The winds are changing and I feel the first breeze of a new season. I can hold my husbands hand and know that God is doing a great work in both of our lives. I can brush my daughters hair back away from her face and know that she is loved by God far greater than I am capable of understanding. I can see the next bill due and know that God always provides. I can hear the whispers of newness....and I can breathe in the deep breath of freedom in Christ. I can stand on hope. And what a joy it is to raise my hands up in complete surrender, turn my face up to the sun, spin around in complete abandon and praise Him for being Hope!
