There once was a girl....a story of gratitude.

My dear friends....I have tried hard to think of a way to put into words all that is in my heart. The gratitude and humility that I have for each of you is so difficult to express....but writing is my best way to try and do it. I don't even know everyone that I am thanking....but if you have been gracious and kind to my girls and I....then this is for you.

There once was a girl.
She was just a simple country girl.
She loved climbing trees and riding horses and reading books.
She was told as far back as she can remember that she had an old soul.
And she was ok with that.
She knew she was a romantic but she just always believed that beauty wins. Love trumps all.

She grew up much quicker than she thought she would, but she had a plan. She was going to get married, have children, and live happily ever after with her husband on a simple country dirt road.

For awhile, her plan went just as she had prayed. She fell in love, married that beloved cowboy of hers, and they quickly began a family through foster care, adoption, and the beauty of birth. It was a beautiful, messy life.....but how she loved it! She stayed at home and took care of her daughters, and cherished being a wife and a mother.

And then one day....everything shattered.

Her heart stopped beating....but the world kept spinning. She couldn't catch her breath so she fell to her knees. And she couldn't get up. Her deepest fears and darkest nightmares had come true....not just for her, but for her daughters as well. They were alone. So her heart shattered and when it did, the pieces cut into her soul and the pain was so great that she did not know if she wanted to survive it.

But remember....this girl was as an old soul....and that soul still beat deep within her chest....ever so slowly....but beating none the less.

In these moments of despair and darkness....her eyes searched the darkness for truth. For a light....
At times, she would catch a glimpse of light....only to have it disappear when she tried to cling to it.
It is then that she realized....she had light inside of her.

The Light with which she desperately searched for....was within her.
So she grabbed the Word of God which revealed that light to her....and she consumed it. She was so very thirsty for its Truth....and she clung to it with her trembling heart and bruised knees.

As the Truth began to invade her heart again....the darkness began to fade.

As the darkness faded....what she saw took her breath away again.

She had never been alone. Not even for one second. She had been surrounded by some of the most beautiful and fiercest souls she could imagine. All that time that she couldn't breath and begged God to be faithful and not leave her....all those moments when she felt so utterly alone and helpless. She had been surrounded by warriors.

Warriors dressed like counselors, teachers, friends, family, pastors, and mentors....but all warriors none the less. And they had been fighting for her and her daughters when she could not do it herself. They had been standing in the gap and keeping the darkness away. Their love for this girl and her daughters crept into the spiritual and fought off the very real darkness trying to consume them. Their love for this simple country girl and her beautiful daughters brought joy back into their hearts. Their love and faithfulness to this simple country girl and her beautiful daughters brought healing and for the first time in months and months....this girl could breath again. And it was one of the most glorious, beautiful breaths she had ever taken.

Months went by and this girl and her daughters began to smile again. This girl wasn't afraid anymore. She had already faced her demons. Those horrible nightmares and fears....she faced them....and it had not destroyed her like she thought it would. In fact....it had empowered her and her daughters. They were not afraid to set boundaries anymore and stand firm on what God says because they now knew without even one doubt that they were not alone. They realized that they too were becoming warriors....or maybe they were realizing that they had been warriors all along and just never knew it.

Then along came a Christmas. That beautiful season of hope and miracles. And this simple girl wasn't sure how it would go but her heart was already so full of gratitude that she truly didn't even worry about it. She was learning that her King was such a good provider and always worked things out in ways that she couldn't even dream of....for He had already provided her and her daughters with an amazing job, a car that they loved, bills paid, and food to eat....so her heart trusted His.

But even her heart could not imagine what He had planned for her and her daughters!

The season of Christmas drew near and with each passing day, a new gift....a blessing....a beautiful peeling back of someone's heart that took time to think of this simple girl and her daughters. Each day was a gift. A surprise and a miracle. Each day this girl and her daughters were awoken with so much love from friends, family, coworkers...on and on....day after day....and their hearts were SO VERY OVERWHELMED with the love.

And something healed within their hearts through that love. They didn't even know when it happened, but it did. Because when God's Word says that," love conquers all." He means it. True, authentic love really does conquer all when you abandon yourself to it. True, authentic love conquers all when you just let go of the hurt and pain, and simply make the choice to look around you and see the beauty. Because the beauty never left....it was always there....even in the midst of the darkness. Just because we can't see the beauty at times, doesn't mean it isn't there....sometimes we just have to trust that it is.
This girl needed to learn that she did not have to do any of this alone. It was ok for her to reach out and let people know that sometimes she just wasn't ok. She needed to learn that she did not need to be perfect. She just needed to learn that it is ok to be real and raw. Always.

This girl and her daughters still have a ways to go in the healing of their soul....but they walk bravely now. With gratitude. With joy. With eyes that see the beauty. With ears that hear the music of the Father's song. And they choose joy.

From the heart of Brandi:
It is so very hard for me to express my gratitude to each one of you. Some of you I may not even know....but you have extravagantly loved my daughters and I and I am so humbled by your love for us. Being in the family of Christ means that we truly are never alone....ever. Last year at this time, I was so confused and hurt....but God never left me. He has and continues to walk with me each and every step of the way. He has used each of you to speak life into me and into my daughters. He continues to use each of you to remind me of the beauty that is always to be found, if I will just seek to find it. And I will.
I pray that God will throw open the doors of Heaven and pour out His blessing and anointing on each of you. I pray that He will fill your hearts with passion and excitement for His will and that each of you will one day see just what an impact you have had on this simple girls life.
I am humbled to be your friend.
I love you.
Thank you so deeply.
Love,
just a simple country girl,
Brandi

Be raw.

I stopped writing.
I couldn't even stand the thought of picking up pencil and putting it to paper....because I was a failure. I had made a stand on marriage. I had made a stand on redemption. I had a made a stand....and failed. How could I write? What could I possibly say that anyone would ever want to read or listen too?
So I stopped writing.
I put my pencil away. I put my journal in a drawer and closed it. I turned and walked away with my shoulders so heavy and I got lost in the pain.
Every breath felt like a fight. I was tortured at every waking moment with thoughts of what if and if only's....and my grief was so thick that I still don't have the words to explain it. I don't think they exist. A brokenness that deep goes beyond words....

I still struggle with some of these very things....but I want to write again. I NEED to write....it is as much a part of me as breathing. I need to share my heart....the raw parts that some people are scared of. The bleeding parts that some people want to run away from or ignore. The parts that are still breathing....I want to share this journey I am on because I am not the only one on this journey. There are many of us...men and women....who are walking this road right beside each other. I don't want to be so caught up in my own pain and hurt that I forget to look over and see you there next to me. We don't have to be alone in this.
We don't have to stay "quiet".
We don't have to "keep it to ourselves".
We don't have to pretend that our world didn't fall apart. It did.
Can we just say that out loud please? Our world DID fall apart and it hurts when that happens.
Maybe your world fell apart with sickness or addictions. Maybe your world fell apart when you were left alone by the one who should have stood by you. Maybe your world fell apart when you lost your job, your home, your family. Maybe your world fell apart with that phone call like mine did. Maybe your world fell part with that diagnosis....that prayer desperately prayed for...only to seem to go unanswered. Every single person reading this can tell me a story of when their world fell apart...I wish you would. I want to hear it. It matters.
When we can say out loud our fears and our pain....it releases something in us. A burden of "holding it all together" is lifted...and instead we can stand there raw and authentic and without fear or shame.
This last year has stripped me raw in every way. It has taken things from me. Things that left deep scars when they were ripped from me....because that wasn't the way it should have been.
Death is not suppose to be a part of our story....but it is.
Sickness is not suppose to be the way a person lives....and dies....but it is for many.
Depression and sadness that won't lift should never be the garment we wear, but for so many, it is....and they wear it in silence. This breaks my heart.
I don't want to be a part of that.
I want you to share your pain. I want you to know that you are heard. And seen. And that your pain matters.
I don't want you to feel ignored or overlooked. I don't want you to think that no one cares....

I haven't known what to write lately because I have been afraid of what others will say. I have felt like a failure. But a failure in what? I'm not even really sure....it was just this overwhelming feeling of not being good enough and of not having any value.
My self-esteem has taken a beating this year. I have never felt uglier, never felt as unworthy, and never felt as despised and unwanted as I have this year. I still do sometimes. I still tend to avoid mirrors and pictures....because even though I know it isn't true, there is that ever present demon whispering to me how I wasn't pretty enough for my husband to stay....how I didn't have enough value to my husband for him to fight for me....and how easily I was traded in. It has changed me. It has left its wounds....but I am grateful that I have the Holy Spirit Himself living within me and He continues to speak truth over me. Truth that I AM beautiful. That I AM worthy. That I DO have value....and that sin is why my husband left. Not because of anything I did or didn't do. It was simply because of a choice my husband made....a choice that put our family and our marriage in grave danger.

I still have a long way to go on understanding truth and not allowing the lies to speak over me. It's hard. At times, I don't think I can do it....but then...I look over....and there you are. Walking this same road. There are my daughters...watching me. Taking their cues about their worth and identity from me....and I have to keep fighting. I have to keep breathing. So I have to be honest. Raw. Authentic. For without that....I am not me at all anymore.

I will share my story. I will share my daughters story. We will walk this road openly and without fear. Please don't look the other way at my pain. Please don't act like my world hasn't fallen apart....or that my daughters hearts have been shattered. Instead....look into our eyes, unafraid of the pain you may see there....and love us. Where we are right now. Don't ask us to "move on" or "let go" one more time.
we will.
we are.
but we are also grieving. Let us grieve. Let us work through this pain....
And just be here.

Because ultimately....I choose joy. I choose to hear the music that God sings over me and I choose to praise His name! He HAS ALREADY written a beautiful song and story out of all of these ashes. I believe that! I truly do!! His Word is FULL of promises that I can hide deep in my heart that are bold and daring prayers of the impossible happening. I still believe in the beauty of music...of dancing...of reading God's Word and being simply blown away by the goodness that HE IS. I believe in hope. I believe in dreaming....and loving people who hurt you. I believe in praying for people that wounded you. I believe in seeing them as God does....hurting and broken...and valuable. He loves them...and so will I.

So tonight....in being raw and authentic....I open my heart to you. Sure, it has some wounds...some may still be bleeding a bit....but look closer my friend....those scars are telling a beautiful story of a faithful and true King who continues to provide, protect and sing over me and my daughters. Those scars are no longer ugly to me...and I won't hide them from you. Let's be raw. Always. Let's be real. Always. Let's not be afraid to share the hard parts of our stories....because it is in the hardest parts of the story that God shows Himself so beautiful and faithful it will leave you breathless!!

How I love living this story He is writing...and how I pray I will glorify Him through every. single. chapter.

The music of tears

           I take a deep breath....and I listen.
          I hear it again....and again. 
It is gentle and soft. I lean in so that I can hear it...this music. This song that comes from my Father's heart straight to mine. I feel this music caress me and I close my eyes and sit back, feeling safe and loved. I can almost see this music at times. It never stops playing but at times it is ever so faint and I catch myself feeling alone and sad when it begins to fade....but there it is again....always there....this song that is being sung over me. 

Music has always been a part of my heart. It is how God created me. I have always felt music in the world around me even as a child. The wind's song....the bird's beautiful chorus...and swelling of the rain and thunder and through it all there has always been this song...I know now that it is my Father's song for me. The one He wrote just for me and the one He sings over me....I didn't always understand that and at times thought I was weird for always hearing the music....but not anymore. I am learning more and more to love this song that He sings...that He plays over me with the sweetest of sounds. I have always heard music in the story of people's lives. As a teen I use to write the music I heard in the stories of those around me and play them on the piano and to this day I have a folder full of the songs I have heard....and I have been thinking a lot about those songs. 

It is proven that the whole earth actually "sings" and that even the stars and galaxies make music to our King. Music is a part of our King...and He shares that with us and within us....and the enemy hates music. That is why he distorts it and threatens the beauty of it with a cheap representation of the songs that God has written within His beautiful and terrifying grace. I have been thinking about that a lot as well....how so many of us walk around and never hear the song that God wrote just for us. How the enemy has filled our heads with so much noise that we can't hear that gentle song...calling out...reaching deep within us...and drawing us closer to the King.

I look around and my heart aches as I watch so many people scurry around, with that desperate look in their eyes...tears pulling their hearts down as they walk in shame and hurt. They don't hear the music of falling tears. The sound of a falling tear to me is one of the most beautiful sounds ever....for those are the collected tears God's Word tells us about and for our tears to be collected, means they have great worth and value. The music of those tears are not lost..which means the moments that created those tears have value.....they are collected by the One who listens to the stars and who takes each of those tears and creates music with them....the song He sings over us. I see my Abba Father....holding each tear so delicately and tenderly...and in each tear is a story and He takes each of those tears and He writes this song and those tears become music....they become our story. I know it may sound strange but think about it for just a moment....you have probably heard the music at some point. Some of you may walk daily with those songs in your heart and strengthening your spirit and some of you may not hear anything at all right now. And that's ok.

Let me share my heart with you for just a minute. I believe that every single person that is walking this earth right now as I write this, has a song. One that God wrote for them and one that is indescribably beautiful....But sin....is loud and it mimics the song of the King, only it can present itself as fun and flashy and full of light...and for many of us, we turn our ear away from the song of Christ and we turn our ear to the song of self. We don't even realize that we have tuned out the very song of the Holy Spirit, because all we can hear at that point is the song of self....which then becomes the song of shame and secrets. Before long, we bear the scars of those songs but don't even know how to make it stop. So we keep hiding, keep our secrets, our pride, and our bondage. 

This year I have walked a very hard road and I have watched those most dear to me, lean into the song of the enemy...that fake and phony misrepresentation of a holy song that was written long before man took His first breath. I have seen the pain etched on their face and I have seen the desperate look in their eye....and they may even believe that God has stopped singing over them or that He never did to begin with....but I also know that my King has NEVER stopped singing. He has never once let a tear fall without collecting it. He has never once let a refrain from the enemy replace His song! He is still singing it....that beautiful song of love, forgiveness, repentance, acceptance and freedom. He will never stop singing it....and at times I can imagine His eyes as He is singing over one of His lost sheep. The passion that makes His voice tremble and the deep rolling sound of a Father who will never give up on His beloved. How I want to be like this! How I want His eyes that see past the actions and into the heart and still pursues. How I want to be a daughter who reflects her Father's song! Even now my Father is writing a song that will leave us all breathless and it is written in the stories of the most broken and "despicable" of people. It is written in the broken hearts of broken children who cry out to their Father and every. single. time.....He is there. 

     The enemy deceives well but one of his greatest deceptions is that the Holy Spirit is not present in the broken and ugly parts of our stories. The enemy has somehow convinced us that in the very darkest and ugliest of our secrets and shame, God turns His back on us in disgust. This goes against the very Word of God! Romans 5:8 gives us a little part of the music that is our song....it is the part where Jesus is WITH US IN OUR DARKEST moments. He has never walked away. He is there....singing His song...and I want to lean into that song. I want to close my eyes and soak that music into the very parts of me that are broken and defeated....and I want to hear the songs of others. I want them to see that they have a song that is beautiful! A love song that is the most exquisite of songs with music that is created by the tears of the prostitute, the brokenness of the addict, the exhaustion of the shamed, and the desperation of those going under. I listen to their stories and I think," How can they not know how beautiful their song is?"

So when I "stay" or "pray on" and some of you ask me why....it is because of the music. It is because I believe in the song that God has written for my husband and my children and those around me. It is because He gives me these beautiful glimpses into the writing of the song, and it leaves me in awe and wonder and fills my heart with hope....even when nothing changes around me. You can't "see" music....but you feel it, hear it, and it changes you....that is a lot like faith. I can't see it, but I have it, stand on it, and believe....and it changes me. I am grateful for the songs of the broken hearts....I am grateful for beautiful ashes of grace....and I am grateful that every time I want to just give up, the music is there....soft at times, barely heard in other moments....but always there. God's Word is music to me. The more I open it, the louder the song gets, and the more I am able to see the enemies song for what it is...a false, empty banging of shame and secrets. 

I don't know what the next verse is in my song or yours. But I absolutely know without any doubt that it has been written by a Father who delights in singing it over us. I absolutely know without a doubt that He will never stop singing it....and I even wonder, and this is my pure opinion and nothing more, but I often wonder if when we each stand before Him, for those of us who never stopped and accepted His song for us...for those of us who rejected His truth....if in that moment He sings their song over them, with His eyes full of tears and compassion, even as they leave to go toward the home they chose to leave in forever, away from the Father....and for all of eternity, they are left to think about that song....

Dear friends....I pray you hear His singing. I pray you lean in and listen....quiet yourself long enough to know the tune that is yours and yours alone! He is there...He is HERE...right now....singing over you. Do you hear it? Take a deep breath....listen....lean in....do you hear?