There have been several things that have happened lately that have kind of taken my breath away....things that I have prayed against much of my adult life....and I have had to learn how to adjust to these seemingly unanswered prayers.
Now before we go on, let me just say that these things I write about are my convictions. They are not meant to be yours nor do I judge or condemn if they are not yours....because as you will see as you read through this, even my own convictions have been challenged so much in these last few years.
So....Let's see......where do I start.....
Most of you reading this know me. You know that I have very strong convictions and that I can be fiercely determined when it comes to what I believe in. I have always believed in homeschooling my children, staying at home and taking care of my home and my husband, being involved in my community and truly desiring to make a change in the world around me.
I loved all of these things and took great pride in them. Being at home with my girls and volunteering at different places within our community gave my heart a safe place and I felt like I was living out my calling. I loved taking care of my home and having supper on the table when my husband got home from work....because that was what I was called to do. And I delighted in that calling.
Then one day...the world kind of fell apart. Everything changed.
I lost the ability to be a stay at home mom. I desperately clung to homeschooling my girls and tried for two years to keep the "normal" going.....but it wasn't normal anymore. Things had changed and I refused to change with them. I was so scared guys....because I felt like I was losing my calling.
Have you ever felt like you have completely lost your calling? Like everything you thought you knew was the right way to go, turned out to be a mirage of sorts....and you were left standing in a room of memories that you didn't even know how to sort out. What was truth? What was lies? What was real? What was always just a fantasy?
It is one of the scariest feelings in the world....at least for me it was.
Then you come to the realization that things ARE GOING to change. One way or the other....whether you like it or not.
I had to make some decisions and I wrestled and wrestled with those decisions! I DID NOT want to send my girls to public school. I'm not against public school....I just felt strongly about my calling to home school.
And I did not understand how God could call me to home school just to change His mind later in the game.
Sigh....God has a way of doing things that I just can't figure out. His ways are definitely NOT my ways. And to be honest....sometimes trusting Him is hard. I sometimes look around and think," Are you seeing this God?" " Are you sure You have a plan that is good that involves this pain and hurt?"
It can be hard to process at times....how the God of the universe who has every ability to stop pain, instead, uses pain for our good. It hard to understand that at times....but I'm learning.
Anyway, so this year we have made another huge change for our family. I am sending my girls to public school. It has not been an easy decision and I have struggled with it for quite awhile, however, in the surrender of yet another dream of "my plan"....peace comes.
I walked through the High school with my girls and prayed as we walked through....I saw beautiful students walking around just as nervous and excited as my girls. I saw students who would make good choices and students who would make bad choices. I saw teachers who genuinely were excited to see their students back and talked to counselors and principals who truly loved and cared for these kids. I heard of teachers and principals who also viewed this school as their mission field. And I think God began to change my eyesight....He started opening my eyes to the good that could be.
Sometimes we all have these convictions. These deliberate and thought out choices that we make a stand on and feel very strongly about. Those are good to have and we all need to stand strong in our convictions and learn how to be firm in them....even as we learn how to be flexible in the Holy Spirit.
You see, I also am incredibly firm in my belief that God is sovereign in all things. That means that when pain or hurt comes along....God is still sovereign in it. That means that when a life change happens that completely takes our breath away, God is still sovereign. His sovereignty is NEVER based on my circumstances. Nor are they based on how I feel about a situation :)
So...there I was, walking through the halls of a huge high school and praying for my girls. At one point I felt the tears pop in my eyes and had to swallow them down quickly. Those were the tears of someone still struggling with not getting her way. At the same time, I hear God whisper to my heart," Do you trust me Brandi?" I wanted to quickly retort with," yeah but...."....however I just got real quite inside. I came home and went into my war room and cried for a bit...but hey...I cry over everything and that's ok ;) I asked God to give me wisdom....and strength...and peace. I asked Him to bring up a verse that would speak to my heart and let me know that everything is ok.
In true God fashion, He began to bring up verse after verse of how He will never leave my girls.
How He loves them more than I do.
How He formed them from day one with a specific plan.
A plan that He knew would include this moment in their life.
How He has sealed them for His glory.
How He has surrounded them with specific warrior angels.
How He created the starts and sun and moon....and my girls are dear to His heart even more than those things.
How He had given me precious moments to train them and teach them and now it was time for them to live out what I had taught them.
He showed me Moses...who's mom only had a few years with him before letting him go into Pharaoh's house and how God had always known the plan for Moses....even when his momma did not.
He showed me Samuel and how He was only with his mom for a very small timeframe before he too had to go and live out his calling.
He showed me young Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.and how they were taken from their homes and put it into a place that none of them wanted....and yet....God already had a plan for them there.
Ultimately, it really did boil down to that one simply terrifying question," Do you trust me Brandi?"
Honestly, I feel like this question has been asked of me so many times by Him over the last few years....and I always answer yes. Because I DO trust Him....even though I DON'T always understand Him. And this time is going to be no different.
The girls are I have a new adventure ahead...for some of you reading this, you may be shaking your heads and thinking it's not that big of a deal...and for others reading this, you may be thinking that I have lost my marbles to allow this....LOL.
Ultimately....I'm just doing the best I can. I'm just moving forward each day and praying that somehow in the long run, it's all going to turn out ok. I'm just praying that God will continue to be Sovereign...and He will.
I'm praying that I will continue to learn to trust His heart more and more....
I'm praying that I will not be in my comfort zone.(although I LOVE my comfort zone and miss it so badly at times), it is when I am completely unsure of myself that I really have to trust the God I serve. I have to trust that His Word is true.
I have to trust that He is good. Always.
I just want to walk through this life honest with people. Honest about the struggle. Honest about how shaky my faith can be at times. Honest that life isn't always easy....and honest that sometimes I doubt and cry and complain and wonder what in the heck is going on....
But I also want to be honest about the God I serve.
Because He has never once broken His Word to me.
He has never once proved Himself unfaithful to my girls and I.
He has never once been shaken by something that has shaken my world.
He has never once been surprised by my pain, or my insecurities.
He has always loved me exactly as I am and where I am.
He has always continued to push me into deeper waters where I cannot touch and where I have no other choice but to trust that He will be there...and He always is.
I serve Jehovah. And Jehovah is worthy of being praised even when I am unsure of where all this is going to go....
This year could be amazing for my girls....it could be terrible....I honestly don't know which way it is going to go. I DO KNOW that God will be with them. I DO KNOW that if God is for them, I don't need to worry about who is against them. I DO KNOW that they will have opportunity to make choices this year....like we all do. And those choices are already known by God.
I also do know that I will be praying ALOT through this year.....and that at times I might get a little emotional. I'm still processing everything that I have had to give up....and at times it is still very hard on my heart. I'm still trying to figure out the," now what" part of life....now what is my calling? What is my purpose? What is the plan? What am I going to be when I grow up kind of thing....because everything I ever thought would be...isn't.
I'm still trying to figure out how all of this is going to be for my good and the good of my girls....and I'm still trying to understand so many broken things. No matter what though....I stand firm on what God's Word says. I believe and will not let the enemy steal my faith or my joy.
So maybe you are going through some big changes as well....things that you are wondering about....and maybe together, we can just walk through life being honest and raw with each other and learning to encourage and uplift each other...even when we may not understand any of it ourselves. Maybe we can teach our children that we don't always have it together or all figured out either...but we do serve a God who does.
