Holy Grief
Romans 5:8, "God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us."
I keep reading these words over and over again....because I am finding there is a holy grief that comes with the beauty of our salvation. I'm just starting to discover what this means for me....what it means for all of us and what it has meant all along and we didn't even know it.
Imagine for just a moment that the world around you is covered in fog and you are trying to walk down an old country dirt road that you have never walked before. The road is unfamiliar even though you have been on other country roads such as this one....but this one has turns, rough patches, stones and rocks in the path, and holes that dip randomly in the middle of the road. Other parts of the road are soft and easy to walk on but because the fog is so thick that you can't see anything around you even though you know that it is there. At times, the fog will lift and you will see the road in front of you. You may see a hole that you can walk around or a flower on the side of the road that you want to stop and stare at for a moment. At other times, the fog is so thick that all you can do is blindly keep moving in front of you hoping that the road will be there when you take your next step. At times, you stumble and fall, tripping over stones or logs laying in the road...and other times when the fog falls thick upon you, it can result in you falling into one of the holes in the road. Some of them are easy to climb out of but others are much deeper and require a lot of strength and creativity to get you out of them.
This is grief.
I have wrestled with God on how to walk through grief WHILE worshiping Him.
Here is what I am learning.
Grief is a holy thing at times....if we let it be. It can heal and draw us close to the heart of Christ even as it strips us of dreams and plans we had. Holy grief is a sanctification of grief. It turns the very essence of grief that threatens to destroy us into a drawing close of the Father's heart, revealing an intimacy with our King that comes with shared grief.
I still wrestle with the words, " passed away....or died." I try and say them but they still get stuck in my throat and when they come out they are usually wrapped in tears. I prefer to say, "went home"....because to me that is truth. My daughter went home on January 14th, 2020 and it still amazes me the amount of fog that immediately came in that moment. I was shrouded in heavy thick fog and felt it difficult to breathe in. The air around me felt thick and I felt it was unfair that I was allowed to breathe it when my daughter was not. Every breath hurt at first....and every breath was a reminder of my daughter who wasn't here and I hated that.
I found myself wrestling with these deep feelings of joy and grief....I suppose that one would wonder how there could ever even be joy when it comes to the death of a child. As a believer I know that my daughter is in Heaven. I know this to be true as deeply as I know the sun will rise and set each day. I know that my daughter knew Jesus as her Lord and King and I know that in that exact moment that she went from this world to Heaven, she was instantly healthy, active, and full of joy. So yes....I rejoice that she is there and getting to talk to Moses, Esther, and Nebuchadnezzar. I rejoice that she has felt the physical arms of Jesus around her and breathed in the very scent of Christ and that she has looked into the eyes of God and seen what color they are. I rejoice that she knows so much more than I do right now and that she will love to share everything with me when I go home....I rejoice in these things....and I grieve these things.
I grieve because her and I were going to live out our lives together in our little country home on our little country road. I grieve because she had worked so hard and had come so far and I grieve because I feel like she had so much life ahead of her still! I grieve because I miss her. I grieve because each day that goes by I am expected to move forward without her and I hate that. And in the grief I find myself desperately searching the Scriptures to know if God understands....because so often it feels like no one can know this pain. The grief can be isolating and lonely.
Walking through the death of my daughter as a single mom is deeply lonely. Many times I find myself holding it together and being strong for my daughters during the day only to lose myself in tears at night and all you want is someone to sit with you and walk through it with you. The grief brings up pain and anger that I long ago thought had been dealt with....anger that I am a single mom. Anger that I didn't get to spend more moments with her because I was working. Pain that I missed even one moment with her. Anger that her heart was broken by things I couldn't control. Pain that she walked through so much hurt, abandonment and grief when all I wanted for her to have was beauty, security and a stable family. These things seem to come to me at night with such intensity that I am brought to my knees many nights asking God to show me how I am suppose to do this.
One night as I sat in my war room wrapped in my favorite flannel blanket, I just cried. I couldn't stop no matter what I did. I just wept. And I cried out to God during this time....cried all the pain and hurt and I grabbed my pen and started writing, "How could you?" "Why did you?" "What did this serve?" "Forgive me" "I'm so sorry that I can't rejoice in this the way You need me too"....I just poured out all my thoughts and questions because I know for sure and certain that God is big enough to handle my pain. I wept and grieved all the things that I thought were unfair. I cried that whole night and then I heard the whisper of the Holy Spirit that spoke such gentle words to me, "Your grief is holy. I too know holy grief. You are not alone." And I knew it to be true. I sat there on my knees in that little closet wrapped in a flannel blanket and just let those words flow over me.
God has carried me through every really tough time and I have learned to throw myself into His Word because without it....I simply can't. Can't...anything. I need His Word. I need the strength that comes from His Word. I need the hope that comes from His Word. So when God directed me first to John 3:16, then to Romans 5:8. and I began to see that God knows what it is like to pour Himself out and still be abandoned. He knows what it is like to have a broken heart. He knows what it is like to watch His child hurt and cry and feel angry that anyone caused them pain. He knows the very real human emotion that I feel and He isn't afraid of it.
I don't think we fully can understand the great depth of love He has for us. Because if we did, I don't know that we would ever get off of our knees in worship. The love I feel towards my daughter is deep and unwavering...and I can promise you that I would not give her up for the world to be saved. That kind of love is beyond me right now....it amazes me and I praise His name for it but I cannot replicate it and honestly do not want too. I want my girls to stay with me. I want to die before them. I don't want the world to hurt them or make them feel sad. God gave up His Son that WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS Christ died for us....STILL SINNERS. So WHILE we were caught up in our own selfish ways, He loved us. He longed for us to know His heart. That love was so deep that He willingly laid down His life for us....knowing fully our imperfections and hot messes that we would be.
He knows my grief. More than anyone else. He knows the ache of being separated from your child. He knows the longing that is so intense at times because you just want to see her. He knows.
So yes, grief can be holy. This grief has once again brought to light that I am in desperate need of a Savior. It has shown me once again that in my weakest moments He will be my strength. As we enter into Holy Week for Easter, I am drawn to my knees more often than not. This Easter is different for me. I have been a believer for over 30 years now but I think I am just now getting a truer understanding of just what God gave up for us on that cross. I am just now drawing close to the intimacy of grief that came from the Cross...from death....that resulted in abundant eternal joy for Kari. I know I will step into this Holy Week very different this year and as the grief and joy flow mingled together within in my own heart, I will draw close to the heart of my King knowing that Kari is celebrating her very first Easter celebration in Heaven next to angels in holy worship of Christ and it will bring me comfort as I walk this holy grief out.
