Well, now that is quite a complex question, isn't it?! Because life is an ever-flowing flood of grace and sorrow wrapped in many different emotions. It did give me pause though and offered me an opportunity to take that step back and think about goals I had set for myself as a child and the journey of life that has brought me to where I am at today. Life gives us so many opportunities to learn and grow, reaching into parts of our hearts that we may wall off at times but then slowly feel safe enough to pause long enough to pull them out ever so gently and look at the moments that took from us, taught us, gave to us and ultimately helped shape us.
When I think of where I am at right now, I have many emotions flood over me. I am in a spot that is very different from where I imagined I would be and yet...I am in a beautiful spot. I wear many scars that once use to look old and ugly and they were full of pain for me, but God has a way of showing us beauty in pain and that is especially true within our own hearts. So as I began to be brave enough to look at old dreams, new goals, and the faithfulness of and love of Christ through it all, I began to feel so humbled at the beautiful life I have been given to live.
When I was a little girl, I dreamed of one thing...to be a wife and a mom. I became just that. I spent 20 years being a wife and I have the honor of being a mom to six girls that have changed my world in so many ways. I have been a foster mom to over 36 babies and they have all captured my heart and I still pray for each of them by name to this day. I was well on my way up that ladder of success the world talks about. I was active in the foster/adoptive community, leading small groups in the recovery ministry, and homeschooling my girls. I loved being a wife and a mom....but then the shattering happened.
I became divorced.
I had to go to work outside the home full time.
I could no longer homeschool.
Finances were nonexistent.
My daughters were struggling and I was struggling.
Mental health became a real concern as my daughter with special needs began to spiral and hard choices were having to be made.
I didn't just get knocked down a rung or two on the ladder...I was thrown off and into a pit that had been dug below the ladder that I never even realized was there. I was deep in pain and completely broken. I had moved into survival mode and wasn't even sure I would be able to do that on most days. And yet...God was there. Deep in that pit I sat, broken, wounded, and bleeding raw. Feeling forgotten, thrown away, and without purpose. I was lost. I thought many dark thoughts as hopelessness poured into me day after day. Everything I had prayed for was gone. Everything I had thought I was called to do as my purpose was no longer there. I was faced with more challenges than would fit on this blog and they overwhelmed my soul to complete despair.
I knew to do only one thing.
Cling to my anchor.
Although I couldn't see Christ and I couldn't feel Him...I could hear Him. He continued to sing over me and through His Word I was able to hear His voice speaking strength into me. Each day I would lay in that bed and pray for the strength to make it through, for healing to come to my daughter's broken hearts, and for us to remember what joy tasted like.
I would close my eyes and picture myself on a cliff. I would look down into the darkest waters of turmoil I was walking through and I would feel the rush of pain with each wave as it crashed into my heart. I would take a deep breath. I would envision Christ, strong and steady behind me. I would think about God being a rock behind my back. I would sink myself into the image of Christ and I would see the Word of God as a huge strong tree with roots deep and one of those roots was wrapped around me and connected into my heart, pumping lifeblood into my hurting soul. I would take another deep breath. I would sink back against His Word, steady and strong and true. I would repeat it out loud and often. I made a decision to believe what the Word of God said about me instead of my broken heart. No matter how crazy the waves got or how high they came up the cliff they could not overtake me as long as I stayed rooted to His Word.
Day by day went by and the simply beautiful became a part of our everyday life. Each day we lived grateful and humble for the life that God was giving us. It was a very different life than what we had imagined but new adventures can always seem scary at first. If you commit to seeing the beautiful, it has a way of finding you. As far as the ladder goes...I have decided that I want nothing to do with the man-made ladder. Instead, I want to be deeply rooted in the tree so that I am just an extension of it. A branch that is able to grow beautiful fruit that can provide hope to others in the midst of dark pain.
I believe now that pain and sorrow surrendered to hope create fruit that is different than other fruit that has never experienced pain and never surrendered to hope. Pain can create fruit that is bitter to others but pain surrendered to hope is a fruit that draws close to the pain of others and offers to just sit there with them...and in the sitting with others, healing comes. It is something beautiful to no longer afraid of pain, sorrow, or grief. It becomes the ability to stare straight into another person's hurting heart and remind them of the One who never stops singing over them.
So about that ladder...well...it is just a part of my past now. Something I learned from and grew from but no longer has a place in my life. I may not be "successful" according to the world, but I love my new beautiful. I love that each day there is another part of God's heart that I get to learn about. Each day I get to walk with others who hurt, question, wrestle and stumble as they come to find the beautiful in their journey as well. Life is about adventure and seeking. My favorite verse has been Jeremiah 29:13 for many, many years and I always hear adventure and beauty in it. It says, "And you will seek m and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Our heart holds many things...wonder, pain, grief, joy, laughter, questions...and when we seek God in each of those things, we find Him. Without fail, you will find Him.
It's not going to look like what you thought it would and it will require bravery that you may not think you have. It may take more out of you than you think you can give but remember that surrendered pain brings forth unparalleled beauty that boldly and gratefully shows the scars they bear knowing that those scars hold the song of hope woven into each one of them.
