I have often used music and writing as a way of processing and expressing my emotions. This time is no different.
One day as I was driving home from work and missing Kari so very much and praying, asking God why His plan couldn't have included Kari being healed and why things had to go the way they have....tears began running down my face as my heart beat a desperate plea within my chest and with each beat of my heart, I was reminded with great pain that my daughter's heart did not beat this side of heaven. I began to ask God to help me see that His way is always good and that my way cannot be trusted because I would have my children live forever. And is that so bad? Wanting our children to outlive us? Isn't that the natural order of things? I wrestled as I have often done with the knowledge that God's ways are simply not mine and I have to trust His way even when I don't understand it. This requires a level of faith that I don't always feel I have to give....and that is where surrender comes in.
God is always so gentle with me and that is one of the reasons He is always the safest place for me to express my deepest and darkest questions and thoughts. He has never once brought judgment or condemnation for my questions and seeking...in fact, Jeremiah 29:13 is one of my favorite verses because it tells me that if I SEEK I will find.
The Hebrew word for seek is Baqash– to seek, search, or consult. This word has been used to describe seeking something that’s lost or missing, to seek one’s face, or to aim at, devote oneself to, and be concerned about something. The word baqash is used in Jeremiah 29:13, “And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.”
That describes me perfectly when it comes to how I wrestle and SEEK after God's wisdom time after time.
So when I didn't understand why Kari couldn't have been healed, I remembered another time in my life when I had to wait before I understood...I was asking for the redemption of my marriage and I was wrestling with what to do.....and maybe this is like that too. Maybe I'm not ready to fully understand it yet. But I have learned to trust my Father's heart and His wisdom even when I simply don't understand or agree.
So back to me driving home from work...as the questions fell from my lips, these words came into my mind..."She finished the race before you and she finished it well."
It was so clearly spoken to my heart that I had to pull over on that old dirt road and sit for a minute and absorb those words.
So as we come upon the one-year anniversary day of my precious daughter finishing her race, it just seemed fitting for me to share these words with you. I could write about many memories and how difficult this last year has been but I think these words are important. Because so many times we forget that not only are WE running a race...but so are our children. And none of us get to see when the race ends. Until it ends.
So as we look at our children and the way we are raising them...I think it is important to ask, "How are we teaching them to run their race?"
Teach them well my friends. It matters.
Pour His truth into them.
Teach them the value of having a relationship with Christ.
Teach them to run to Him in their brokenness and to become seekers of Him.
Teach them to know that the ways of this world are different than the ways of the Father....which means their ways of living are different from the ways of this world.
Teach them to see the power of the scars of Christ as He conquered and defeated death FOR THEIR SAKE.
Teach them to finish their race well my friends....because none of us really know when our race may come to an end but it will come to an end for all of us. So let us run our race with endurance and lead by example for our children so that we all finish our race well.
You finished the race before me:
When you were a child, I held you in my arms. I promised you that I would teach you everything I knew about Him. As you grew, I taught you about His love. I taught you to listen to His voice, to listen to His song for you. But a momma can only teach the love of the Father. You and you alone had to choose who you would serve.
As I sat and heard your little voice asking Jesus to be your King, my heart became overwhelmed with joy for the journey you had just begun....and your race was on.
You have finished your race and you got to cross that finish line. You have got to see the face of the King! You know all of His glory because you finished your race before I did. You are not afraid of anything anymore because you finished your race and you finished it well.
As you continued to grow baby girl, life wasn't easy. You wrestled with who you are and why things had to be, but you always loved your King. You stayed in the race even when it was so hard. You began to shine His light through your pain. You answered the hard questions in His name. You weren't afraid to wrestle with the King of kings...now you've finished your race, and you finished it well.
You became a friend to Jesus like He was a friend to you. You spoke His name into the dark and you spoke His name into your fear. You finished your race, and you finished it well. You have got to cross that finish line before I did and you have got to see the majesty of your King when you finished your race....and you finished it well.
I miss you and can't wait for you to show me the wonders of Heaven that you already know so well.
