I take a deep breath to steady my heart. I make sure my clothes match and that my makeup doesn't look like a clown's. I grab my things and head out for the day. Then I work. I make sure that all the errands get completed and that the bills are paid on time and that I do my job well. I take the phone calls that I need to and try and be a listening ear for anyone who needs it. I laugh and joke with friends and family...and then I get in my car to drive home.
And it hits.
Without warning and without my heart being prepared.
The grief.
The pain nearly doubles me over. I often have to pull over and take deep breaths just to calm myself down enough to drive. I've learned certain spots that are good for me to pull off the highway so that I can let the tears fall...the spot by the lake, the gas station, the empty parking lot. They have all felt the heaviness of my grief.
Sometimes, I make it all the way home. I have found a trick that works at times...turning up the music in my car really loud and just listening to it instead of the sadness that beats inside my chest. When I do make it home, I can often go through the motions again.
Bring my stuff inside. Say hi to the girls and check in on their day. Go for a walk or a jog. Lift some weights. Prepare supper. Clean up. Start school....but eventually, the house goes quiet and I am left with grief. So I go to the shower and I cry. I go to the war room in my closet and I cry. I cry for all of it. All the loss...and it sweeps over me and causes my whole body to hurt.
I never knew just how much physical pain grief causes. It will feel like bruises are all over you and it hurts to move and to walk and to breathe. I long for someone to just hug me and let me cry. But I am the only one around.
I learned how to master the "silent cry"" years ago when I was married. I use it still. When my whole being is breaking into a million pieces over and over again without warning. I have days when I feel so strong and healthy and for just a moment I can almost believe that I'm going to be ok. But can a momma ever really be "ok" when their child dies?
People do not know the depth of pain that is still there. They have all long moved on past the "I'm so sorry" and "We are praying for you guys". Their lives have moved past the funeral and my daughter has faded somewhat from their thoughts. It doesn't work that way for a momma. My daughter is not here on the same planet that I am on. I am aware of that every single second of every single day. My heart has beaten in sync with hers for years and now my heart cannot hear the rhythm of her heart and so it is constantly listening for it. My own heart feels like it will be forever out of rhythm.
I have learned to let myself feel it. I have learned to "manage" it I suppose...but the sadness... grips me tight. Walking through it alone has been the worst kind of pain. No momma should EVER walk through the death of their child alone. But I have no other choice. I throw myself at the mercy of God and ask for His comfort...and He does give it...He really does. It is His deep calm that even in the midst of the pain, I know that God is with me. I often think of how often Mary cried even after Jesus rose from the dead and went to Heaven. I think she still cried because just like I know that Kari is alive in Heaven and I rejoice in that! (I truly do!)...I cannot see her. I cannot hear her. I cannot hug her. And that hurts deeply.
I wish I did not have to walk through this pain alone. I wish I had someone to turn to and talk about Kari with. I wish I had someone to curl up into at night that wasn't afraid of my tears and didn't care for how long I cried...I feel it would be a tiny bit easier if I wasn't doing this alone...but I am. And I'm doing the best I can. I am learning much about grief and how it affects the human body and the human spirit. There are studies done that show how grief does this..."Grief can rewire our brain in a way that worsens memory, cognition, and concentration. You might feel spacey, forgetful, or unable to make “good” decisions. It might also be difficult to speak or express yourself. These effects are known as grief brain" (Pedersen, 2022). I have felt every one of these things.
I have shared some of these things with others and have been told, "It sounds like you still need to heal" or "I think you need to come to acceptance"...I have even been told " You aren't trusting God if you question His plan in this"....let me just say...DO NOT SAY THESE THINGS TO A MOMMA WHOSE CHILD HAS DIED. Like at all. You may mean well with those words but that doesn't really matter when a momma is grieving. The best thing I have found for my grief is the people in my life who ask about Kari. They sit and listen to me talk about her life and her story...they ask questions about her and they show genuine interest in hearing about her. It is the friends who send me a random text with a funny story about Kari or a message saying they are thinking of me because they heard something that reminded them of Kari. It is in the remembering.
I know that God is in every moment of my grief. I know that when my heart is missing my daughter, that her heart is alive and well in the presence of God. I know that sometimes I will simply not understand why things happen. I know that it is ok if I question and wrestle with those things. I know that God does not leave me alone although it can feel that way at times. I know that His Word is my strength. I know that He understands my grief more than even I do.
And I know I will be ok.
I know each day is a gift and a reminder to hold tight to the ones you love. I know that every moment matters and that although we will always walk with grief in this world...we will also walk with joy. They are interwoven together and when each of them is fully embraced, we are able to understand the heart of Jesus who also walked with joy and grief. I still have much to learn about grief...but I'm learning. The one thing it has taught me is that life is precious and how you live it matters. The choices you make and the decisions you stand on are important. The way you spend your time, the words you choose to say, the actions you choose to live out...they all matter. The standards that create a lifestyle for you...choose it wisely...as it may be the legacy you leave behind.
