When my husband and I first got married, I had amazing dream. I have always been a BIG dreamer. I hate the word, " Give up", and I can be fiercely loyal...so it was all going to be perfect...right?!? Shortly after we were married I began to notice that my perfect husband wasn't so perfect after all...he did things that would drive me nuts, he didn't always put me first every day, and sometimes I was pretty sure we were from completely different planets! But never fear! My fierce loyalty would get us through and I knew just what we needed to make that perfect family dream come back...children! So a mere 9 months after we said," I do", we found ourselves looking at the option of adopting our niece who was 4 1/2 at the time and had some serious physical and mental handicaps. But that didn't deter me...I mean this was JUST what we needed to make our family "perfect". I would be the perfect mom and JT the perfect dad...everything would be...well...perfect. Except for yet again...I forgot to account for all the brokenness and all the hurt. You see our niece had been badly abused and was going to be dealing with the consequence of that abuse for the rest of her life...but I didn't go down that road. I just knew that once she was in our home, everything would be...perfect.
Perfect. Even the word makes me shudder now...it holds nothing for me but bondage. That tiny little word trapped me into believing that if everything wasn't "perfect", than I was a bad mom and a bad wife. I was a failure. I still believe that little, tiny word entraps women every day...we are taught by the world at a very young age to be perfect. The perfect size, the perfect house, the perfect family...you know exactly what I am talking about don't you! God was about to take that word and use it to turn my whole life upside down and it wasn't going to take days or months...it was a going to be a life long worth of adventures....and I had no idea.
So back to my "perfect" world....Our niece was living with us and we began the adoption process. I was 20 and my husband was 21. I longed to give birth to children from as far back as I can remember and so expected to get pregnant right way and have many amazing, healthy children...but yet again...God had other plans. My heart began to break piece by piece, month after month that I did not get pregnant. I didn't understand...this was NOT how it was suppose to go! I had prepared my whole life to be a mom...to have children. SO why couldn't I? I poured out my heart to God daily...begging Him over and over to let me have a child...but year after year went by without me conceiving...so just 2 years after getting married, adopting our niece, having our first house burn down, buying some land and moving a trailer on to it...we began to foster. My heart had been drawn to foster from an extremely young age mainly because my parents were foster parents from the time I was two and I saw the difference they made and I too wanted to make a difference in the lives of hurting children....I wanted to be the hero! We filled our home very quickly with children of all ages, disabilities, race, and abusive backgrounds...all the while my heart still longed to give birth...but it seemed like that was never meant to be.
We fostered for six years and in that time we had 21 children come and go. We rocked them, We prayed over them, We fought for them in court and did everything in our power to make sure that their lives were good and beautiful. We went to counseling and doctor visits, court appearances, visitations with birth family members, and I started seeing that God had a different plan for us than the one in my mind. I began to see that sometimes you have to let your dreams die...yes...I said die. They have to be laid to rest, given up,...die...so that God can replace them with HIS dreams and HIS plans for you. My perfect world was no more...my house was a wreck...we had holes in the wall from children raging, we had broken candles and glass items glued back together for the 100th time after a child threw it in a fit, our yard started looking like the local junk yard and the laundry...oh the LAUNDRY!!!
My husband and I had very little to no time alone and our marriage was starting to struggle. And then...a beautiful thing happened...I started having stomach and pains went to the hospital to hear the most beautiful words," You are pregnant!"...to be followed by the most terrible words," You are miscarrying."....What?! How could this be? Why? My heart felt shattered. I was told to go home and see if my body would miscarry on it's own...I have never felt so betrayed in my life! My very own body was betraying me in the most horrible of ways and I was faced with the decision to trust my God who continually kept throwing wrinkles in MY plans...or to become bitter and angry. My heart was very broken but I knew enough of God's heart to know that He promises good things for me and He has never let me down, no matter what...so I trusted. I gave up my desires and my dreams. They had to die. It started to feel like I was having to die to a dream every day....and it hurt.
Shortly after this, my husband and I felt very clear leading from the Holy Spirit to adopt four of our foster daughters who had been with us for a few years now and so we began the long process of adoption. In the middle of that we found out we were pregnant again and this time it could not have been more beautiful. And I gave birth to a beautiful tiny daughter named Mercy...because God had Mercy on me... five years later I was also given the blessing of giving birth to our beautiful baby girl Gracie...because God again had given me grace. I think part of me began to think," Hey, I can still turn this around! I can still make us the perfect family!"...oh when would I learn!!!
We began to see some major behavior problems out of our children...I mean we were in counseling weekly with each girl not to mention daily having to try to answer the "why" questions that they threw at me moment by moment..." Why did my family not fight for me?", "Why did they choose that over me?", " Why wasn't I good enough for them?", " Why did they hurt me like this?"...it never ended!! Many nights I would collapse into bed with a migraine so intense I couldn't even see straight because my head was constantly trying to "FIX" all this hurt around me. We were having major problems with getting the girls to bond with us and each other...and our marriage was struggling due to exhaustion and stress...most of which came from me because I needed everyone to stay " perfect".
God began to speak to my heart about being a mom. Being a wife. Being HIS DAUGHTER! I had to give up everything...again...all the dreams, all the plans...again. So fast forward a few years and many broken dreams later and we are here. In this moment. Today. And you know what...it's actually a beautiful place to be. My marriage had to nearly end for me to see how much damage I was doing with my desire for "perfection". I had to get to a place where all I wanted to do was run away, to see what I had. I needed to let every dream die. Every plan. Every desire. I had to surrender ALL...why does that sound so easy? That is the hardest thing I can think of...surrendering your all...when we like to be in control. We like to know how the bills are getting paid, we like to have our house in order in case friends stop by, we like to know that our children will grow up and love Jesus and become world changers! But that is not what it means to be a mom. Nope...not at all. Being a mom is about the unknown! If ever there is job with potential for disaster.... it's being a mom! And you know what...that is a beautiful place to be.
I am learning every day that being a mom is about surrendering your all every day. I have went from waking up in the morning with my to do list ready to go...to waking up in the morning asking God to help me worship Him through today...with whatever it holds. Being a mom means that my children may not say or do what I think they should...it means they make a decision that hurts my heart. Being His daughter means that my husband may choose to do something that I feel is wrong. It means that I am NOT IN CONTROL!!
We still have bonding issues in our family, we still have broken glass and a yard that needs mowing, we still have laundry..ALOT of laundry...and we still have arguments in our marriage. We still have children, now teens, who rage and ask us the same " why" questions that have been asked for so many years....but now...we have grace. For once in my life, I am no longer in bondage to that dreaded word," perfection"! For once in my life, I am seeing such beauty in the broken. I love broken people. I do.
I love to see what God does with the broken...I have never seen such beauty as I do when I see a broken person, bound in sin and hurt, set free. I am drawn to these hurting people because they are me. I don't want anyone to feel the bondage that comes from the word," perfect"...because we are not a perfect people. We haven't been since the moment that Eve decided to take that first bite. But we are a redeemed people. We are able to love when the world says hate, we are able to stay when the world says run, we are able to forgive when the world says revenge...not because we are so great...but because the One IN us is great!
It is time to dance. It is time to praise! It is time to sing! With the broken decor, with the holes in the wall, with the grass that needs mowing, and with the rages...just the other day, our daughter had another rage and as she was throwing glass and screaming at us, the Holy Spirit was speaking to my heart and I just kept asking Him to teach me how to worship Him WITH this...not through it...but WITH it. I want my life to be worship. I want to die to MY dreams and desires every day so that HIS will replace them.
Being a birth mom is not easy. Being an adoptive mom is not easy. Being a foster mom is not easy...but we can live our lives in His grace. We can hold to the TRUTH of the PROMISE that," Love conquers ALL!" We can throw away all those images and expectations of "perfection" and instead just let God live through us. It is not easy and requires us to daily submit to HIS plans and sometimes, well most times, we not told what that plan is...we are just shown the first step to take. That's it. And we need to be brave enough friends to take that step. Just that first step. He will show us the next step after the first one...and pretty soon...we will look back and see how all those steps led us into beautiful ashes of grace. The broken and hurt dreams have been replaced with grace and forgiveness. The blackened ashes have turned into redeemed beauty!
I have six amazing girls now. I have a husband that I love. I have a home that is filled with emotion of all kind...and I live in grace every day. I don't have the "perfect" anything. Not one thing in my life is perfect. And I am so thankful! I will cherish every single broken prayer, I will cling to each laugh and giggle, and I will stand in awe of all the broken moments that have led me here...to the heart of my King. The place where the broken find healing. The place where those in bondage are set free...
I pray this Mother's day you will stop and take a deep breath. Let it out slowly and look around you and see what God sees...just for a moment. He doesn't see the laundry or the dirty dishes or the mismatched furniture...He sees beauty in the broken. He sees the redeemed. He sees His heirs to the kingdom! We are only here for a moment...a mere whisper...and I want that whisper to matter! I want that moment to be spent praising...not worrying. Dancing...not stressing. Cherishing....not bitter.
I have SO much to learn about being a mom...being His daughter! But I am loving the freedom that comes from the ashes.The joy of seeing myself as HE sees me! My friends...my prayer is that you too will learn to see the beauty in the broken. Let us all give up that dreaded word," perfection"...and let us adopt forever a new word...Redeemed! Isn't that a beautiful word?! May this Mother's Day be filled with His redemption in your life!
His servant,
Brandi
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