There comes a moment I suppose in every life that just sorta brings you to your knees...maybe it is from grief, or from love, or maybe it happens more than once for several different reasons...but no matter why...it is a moment that stays imprinted in your heart forever. Recently, I have had one of those moments...
           Our daughter who is nearly 18 now has mental retardation. She also has Epilepsy.She also has mental illness. She was also abused as a child before she came to us...She has had SO much to overcome and has always faced life with this amazing strength and resilience that no one would hold her back. And we have always stood in amazement of her because many people who have dealt with far less than her, would have crumbled. She has been nearly starved, been hit and hurt by the very ones who were meant to protect her, and faced abandonment, disease, and diagnosis after diagnosis with such strength....but we all reach a breaking point. And she has reached hers.
             She cannot handle one more thing and so everything is overwhelming her at once right now. She has the IQ of a child around 10 but understands that everyone else her age is moving on with life. She is angry that she is this way. She is angry that her birth parents hurt her. She is angry that she has Epilepsy and fears the next seizure constantly. The way her brain breaks down words, she can only grasp on to the first few things you say before she loses you and that frustrates her. She tries very hard to "hide" her struggles so that no one will know. She wonders if she will ever get married, or have children, or get a job...she is angry that she can't control her anger! She is hard on herself and constantly belittles herself and thinks she is "unlovable" because of her rages. She struggles to understand forgiveness.
             My heart aches in ways that are hard to write down or describe...she is my daughter. I want to protect her. I want to erase the pain and the hurt that she has dealt with. I want to reach into her heart and take out all those feelings and emotions that make her feel less valuable. But I can't. She has to go on this journey and choice by choice it is leading her down a road...and because of those choices we have had to make the decision to let her live in a hospital that can constantly help her focus on her issues. So many times, I wonder if we are doing the right thing...are we making the right choice for her?
           Being an adoptive mom is very different than a birth mom in many ways. Being an adoptive mom you have to deal with many issues that you would not be dealing with as a birth parent...issues like: abuse, broken hearts, genetics that even you don't know about or understand, feelings of not belonging, and so many more. These are things our children struggle with every day. They did not have that instant love and affection and "belonging" that our birth children have had. Those first critical years for our daughter were spent in fear and hurt and those feelings do not just "go away" once you have a forever family to love you. You still have to deal with the feelings themselves and the after effects of the feelings.
          So back to that moment that brings you to your knees...it was when my husband and I had went to pick up our daughter for her pass. We were sitting across from her drinking ice tea as she begins to tell us that she has had a dream of murdering us. She began to explain in great detail how it would happen and then she began to cry because she didn't want that to happen but didn't know if she could stop it. I realized at that moment, as I am sitting listening to my daughter describe my murder, that this battle we are in is so much greater and deeper than even I knew. This wasn't just about bringing her home anymore...at that moment it became about protecting her from herself. She was telling us in every way she knew how that she could not control herself or the emotions that go through her...she was asking us to help her. So now I began to understand that bringing her back into our home at this point would be selfish. It would be what I wanted...not what was best for her. That is a hard and difficult thing friends...
        I have talked to many people who have recently adopted or are thinking of adopting and most of them say things like," I know once we get them in our home it will all be ok," or " our love for them will break through every cycle."...but if you will talk to seasoned adoptive parents they will tell you that the reality is that GOD is the ONLY ONE who can break any cycle or heal any hurts. So our job actually becomes easier when we take the weight of "fixing" them off our shoulders and just pick up the responsibility of teaching them God's truth and power of His truth. We need to be showing and teaching our children how to have a personal relationship with Jesus that is intimate and real.
       So where does this leave us with our daughter? It leaves us with more knowledge on how to help her, that's where. It leaves us with the job of reassuring her of our love and especially God's love. It leaves us with the joy of loving her through possibly one of the most difficult parts of her life. It leaves us with extending protection and boundaries with her that will keep all of us safe. It leaves us as a family.
        This adoption journey is strange and mysterious at times. It comes with these beautiful amazing moments followed right behind by moments of doubt and frustration. It comes with no guide book! Every child, every journey is different because there are so many things that factor in. The one thing I DO KNOW for certain is that God has placed her in our home for a reason. He created us to be a family...issues and all...and we will stand by each other no matter what. We will stand on the promises that God has given us for our family and we will wade through these waters one day at a time.
      We may not make the choice that you would have made, and that's ok. We just ask for your support. We ask for your prayers as we go through this as a family. I have learned through many, many things that as Christians, we are family. And we need to support each other like family. We don't need the harsh criticism or "you should have done it this way" talk...we need prayer. This is a new journey for us and we will walk it hand in hand together. As a family. And we would love for you to be a part of our journey.
        Our daughter has a long road ahead of her. A road that is uncertain to me. It is a road that will be filled with choices and consequences. A road that needs to be paved in love and understanding. When you adopt, it is for life. Just like when you give birth, that child is yours forever, so is adoption.  But it is good to be aware of the journey you are entering in! This road will be filled with tears, but not all bad or sad. We will have happy tears of freedom! Tears of break throughs and tears of moving forward! We will trust the heart of our King as we go into each new day with her. I have often said that if you want to pray more, adopt! We will learn and study new ways to get her the help she needs so that she lives a life of freedom and beauty! We will fight for her. No matter what. I think that is what I have learned the most about parenting in general...it is a fight! We fight for our children even when they fight against us. We fight for them to have a beautiful life. We fight for them to overcome the sins of this world. We just roll up our sleeves and fight! We fight with gentleness and kindness. We fight with self-control and patience. We fight with God's Truth coming from our lips. We fight with tears sometimes...but we don't give up. We keep fighting for them because that is exactly what our Heavenly Father does for us!
           If you are reading this, say a prayer for our family please. Pray for wisdom and direction as we navigate through the waves of mental illness and abuse and the lies that the enemy tells our children and us every day. Pray for protection for our family. We know with no doubts that God has a great plan and I know that the times I have grown the most and the times I have heard the Father the clearest, has been when I am on my knees. It is actually a beautiful place to be...on our knees. So today I offer these ashes up to God...and trust Him to create beauty! Thank you for joining us on this journey. We long for your prayers!
                       His servant,
                            Brandi Shearer