There comes a moment I suppose in every life that just sorta brings you to your knees...maybe it is from grief, or from love, or maybe it happens more than once for several different reasons...but no matter why...it is a moment that stays imprinted in your heart forever. Recently, I have had one of those moments...
           Our daughter who is nearly 18 now has mental retardation. She also has Epilepsy.She also has mental illness. She was also abused as a child before she came to us...She has had SO much to overcome and has always faced life with this amazing strength and resilience that no one would hold her back. And we have always stood in amazement of her because many people who have dealt with far less than her, would have crumbled. She has been nearly starved, been hit and hurt by the very ones who were meant to protect her, and faced abandonment, disease, and diagnosis after diagnosis with such strength....but we all reach a breaking point. And she has reached hers.
             She cannot handle one more thing and so everything is overwhelming her at once right now. She has the IQ of a child around 10 but understands that everyone else her age is moving on with life. She is angry that she is this way. She is angry that her birth parents hurt her. She is angry that she has Epilepsy and fears the next seizure constantly. The way her brain breaks down words, she can only grasp on to the first few things you say before she loses you and that frustrates her. She tries very hard to "hide" her struggles so that no one will know. She wonders if she will ever get married, or have children, or get a job...she is angry that she can't control her anger! She is hard on herself and constantly belittles herself and thinks she is "unlovable" because of her rages. She struggles to understand forgiveness.
             My heart aches in ways that are hard to write down or describe...she is my daughter. I want to protect her. I want to erase the pain and the hurt that she has dealt with. I want to reach into her heart and take out all those feelings and emotions that make her feel less valuable. But I can't. She has to go on this journey and choice by choice it is leading her down a road...and because of those choices we have had to make the decision to let her live in a hospital that can constantly help her focus on her issues. So many times, I wonder if we are doing the right thing...are we making the right choice for her?
           Being an adoptive mom is very different than a birth mom in many ways. Being an adoptive mom you have to deal with many issues that you would not be dealing with as a birth parent...issues like: abuse, broken hearts, genetics that even you don't know about or understand, feelings of not belonging, and so many more. These are things our children struggle with every day. They did not have that instant love and affection and "belonging" that our birth children have had. Those first critical years for our daughter were spent in fear and hurt and those feelings do not just "go away" once you have a forever family to love you. You still have to deal with the feelings themselves and the after effects of the feelings.
          So back to that moment that brings you to your knees...it was when my husband and I had went to pick up our daughter for her pass. We were sitting across from her drinking ice tea as she begins to tell us that she has had a dream of murdering us. She began to explain in great detail how it would happen and then she began to cry because she didn't want that to happen but didn't know if she could stop it. I realized at that moment, as I am sitting listening to my daughter describe my murder, that this battle we are in is so much greater and deeper than even I knew. This wasn't just about bringing her home anymore...at that moment it became about protecting her from herself. She was telling us in every way she knew how that she could not control herself or the emotions that go through her...she was asking us to help her. So now I began to understand that bringing her back into our home at this point would be selfish. It would be what I wanted...not what was best for her. That is a hard and difficult thing friends...
        I have talked to many people who have recently adopted or are thinking of adopting and most of them say things like," I know once we get them in our home it will all be ok," or " our love for them will break through every cycle."...but if you will talk to seasoned adoptive parents they will tell you that the reality is that GOD is the ONLY ONE who can break any cycle or heal any hurts. So our job actually becomes easier when we take the weight of "fixing" them off our shoulders and just pick up the responsibility of teaching them God's truth and power of His truth. We need to be showing and teaching our children how to have a personal relationship with Jesus that is intimate and real.
       So where does this leave us with our daughter? It leaves us with more knowledge on how to help her, that's where. It leaves us with the job of reassuring her of our love and especially God's love. It leaves us with the joy of loving her through possibly one of the most difficult parts of her life. It leaves us with extending protection and boundaries with her that will keep all of us safe. It leaves us as a family.
        This adoption journey is strange and mysterious at times. It comes with these beautiful amazing moments followed right behind by moments of doubt and frustration. It comes with no guide book! Every child, every journey is different because there are so many things that factor in. The one thing I DO KNOW for certain is that God has placed her in our home for a reason. He created us to be a family...issues and all...and we will stand by each other no matter what. We will stand on the promises that God has given us for our family and we will wade through these waters one day at a time.
      We may not make the choice that you would have made, and that's ok. We just ask for your support. We ask for your prayers as we go through this as a family. I have learned through many, many things that as Christians, we are family. And we need to support each other like family. We don't need the harsh criticism or "you should have done it this way" talk...we need prayer. This is a new journey for us and we will walk it hand in hand together. As a family. And we would love for you to be a part of our journey.
        Our daughter has a long road ahead of her. A road that is uncertain to me. It is a road that will be filled with choices and consequences. A road that needs to be paved in love and understanding. When you adopt, it is for life. Just like when you give birth, that child is yours forever, so is adoption.  But it is good to be aware of the journey you are entering in! This road will be filled with tears, but not all bad or sad. We will have happy tears of freedom! Tears of break throughs and tears of moving forward! We will trust the heart of our King as we go into each new day with her. I have often said that if you want to pray more, adopt! We will learn and study new ways to get her the help she needs so that she lives a life of freedom and beauty! We will fight for her. No matter what. I think that is what I have learned the most about parenting in general...it is a fight! We fight for our children even when they fight against us. We fight for them to have a beautiful life. We fight for them to overcome the sins of this world. We just roll up our sleeves and fight! We fight with gentleness and kindness. We fight with self-control and patience. We fight with God's Truth coming from our lips. We fight with tears sometimes...but we don't give up. We keep fighting for them because that is exactly what our Heavenly Father does for us!
           If you are reading this, say a prayer for our family please. Pray for wisdom and direction as we navigate through the waves of mental illness and abuse and the lies that the enemy tells our children and us every day. Pray for protection for our family. We know with no doubts that God has a great plan and I know that the times I have grown the most and the times I have heard the Father the clearest, has been when I am on my knees. It is actually a beautiful place to be...on our knees. So today I offer these ashes up to God...and trust Him to create beauty! Thank you for joining us on this journey. We long for your prayers!
                       His servant,
                            Brandi Shearer

why I stopped cleaning...

           So I am a self admitted cleanaholic. I get this great joy out of scrubbing and cleaning...I think it is because it brings me immediate results. As a parent, I wait around alot...wait on kids to get out of lessons, wait on husbands to come home, wait on time to go by, wait on doctors to call back, wait, wait, wait...and when I start cleaning...ahhh....no waiting. Just results. And I will say that when we started fostering, my love of cleaning went to an all new level! The more stressed I was, the more I cleaned...and awhile back God brought my cleaning to my heart and convicted me of it. Yes...I did just say that God convicted me of cleaning! This is why...
           I would obsess over having a clean house instead of noticing that my children were struggling..I would get frustrated and upset because things weren't "just right" and I would spend time and energy on ALWAYS cleaning and God spoke to my heart about it. Now, let me just say that there is nothing wrong with a clean house and I do still believe that we should take good care of what God has given us...but sometimes we just need to let it go.
          Through fostering I learned that there are far more important things to do all day...like hugging, or rocking, or listening to the heart of a child as they speak. It became about spending TIME on my children and not as much about the condition of my home. I was afraid that if I didn't have the perfect house, I would be somehow judged by that and the world would determine that I was a bad mom or wife because I had dishes in my sink! It was an expectation that I was teaching my children as well. So God began to work on me and change the desire of my heart...it started becoming more about turning up the music and dancing, grabbing a lunch and having an impromptu picnic outside in the backyard, or grabbing a hairbrush and trying new hairstyles on each other! It became about TIME. God revealed to my heart that time was slipping away and I only had so much time before my girls would be gone on their own adventures of life and so I am learning to let it go. Let the laundry go, let the dishes go or leave the dust on the furniture...because it will always be there...but my children won't. I learned to put down the broom and scoop up my daughter and dance with her. I learned to set down the dish rag and sit down with my teenage daughters and talk...and listen. I learned to walk away from the laundry room and pick up a craft instead to do together as a family. Cleaning has it's place, don't get me wrong....but we can become so focused on what others think of us or our home that we forget it is not about what they think. It is about being entrusted with precious gifts called children from a heavenly Father.
          So the next time you come visit me, you may see walls that need painted or a yard that could be mowed. You can come in and see laundry on my couch or dishes in my sink...but come in anyway. Because I will pour you a glass of tea and we will talk and we will laugh and we will both walk away feeling better...not because my house was perfect, but because we spent time on building a relationship with each other...and that my friends is what God is all about! He longs to get to know your heart in the most intimate of ways...He longs to have you put down the broom, or the telephone, or the computer, or whatever it is that keeps you distracted from spending time with Him. I never thought I would ever be able to function in a house that had dishes in the sink or laundry undone...but God changes our hearts when we let Him! He renews and transforms our mind into thinking more like Him and that grows us into more relationship minded...and less cleanaholic:) And the greatest thing I have found, is that many others struggle with this as well...and when we are brave enough to show our "dirty" house to each other, it breaks down walls and barriers that we have with each other as women. We realize that others struggle with keeping it all caught up. I pray that God will continue to grow me and help me be brave enough to show my imperfections so that they can see that it is through Him, and only Him, that I make it through each day:)
       

Father's Day

            Isn't it funny that we allow one day in our 365 days of our year to honor dads and moms? One day! When every day of those 365 days that mom or dad get to choose whether to be a good, life changing mom or dad? The choice is made every day...not once a year. I also find it intriguing that nearly all of us relate to our Heavenly Father in some way based on our relationship with our earthly father...think about that for a second...that is seriously intriguing! So I thought I would write about the men in my life that have helped form that view!
           First of all: my dad.

 Now I have said this before, and I will continue to say it forever...my dad is my hero. He truly is. When I was a little girl, I wanted to marry someone just like him. I knew that if ever I needed something or someone, He would be there.

I had no question about that. It was just who he was to me. As I grew up I saw him hold children that were not born to him and pray over them. I saw him accept into our home every child no matter their color, their disability, or their past. I saw him look past the hurts of the child, the abuse, and see into what that child could be! I saw him pour into my brothers and sisters and myself with faithfulness and diligence. I saw him make his marriage a priority and always felt the commitment that he had to my mom even when I knew they were upset with each other. I have seen him cry over a child that has lost their way...and maybe a hallmark movie or two:)...I have had the privilege of serving with him on mission trips where we were both out of our comfort zones.
            Some of my favorite memories are that of my dad, my brother and I all sitting around the living room or driving in the car having debates on what we believe! He encouraged us to ask the questions and seek out the answers from God's Word, to learn to trust what God says as truth. We would all have lively debates on whether dinosaurs really walked with man, or why satan went before God to ask if he could test Job, or what it meant to think on things above...he is one of the main reasons my brother and I are to this day "seekers". We love seeking out things and studying the "why" of life...he taught us to be that way.

            I have also seen my dad in pain and never say a word. You see, he had a serious leg injury that for the majority of my life resulted in him having to have surgeries and recovery. He never complained to us kids, but always pointed us to seek out God's purpose through it,,something I have used over and over in my life. My dad has taught me how to stop and take in a rainbow, or how to feed an ostrich, or how to ride a horse, or how to love and accept the unloveable, and especially how to continually seek out our Father's heart, how to be humble...I had such a great example because my dad reflects my Heavenly Father so beautifully! I have been so blessed to have grown up with that my whole life...
                  Second: my brother.

  Now my brother and I are two years apart and I have always been close to him...except for those years when I wasn't:)...my brother has always challenged me to push myself and give more when I didn't think I could.

I have learned how to climb a tree faster than anyone from him, how to walk a six foot ostrich fence WITHOUT falling in, how to stay on a bucking barrel, and how to water ski with one foot and one hand, basically...I learned how to be brave. You see, as a child and teen, I was EXTREMELY shy...like don't look at me or I will cry kind of shy...and so I would want to hang out with my big brother because then I didn't feel so weird and he would let me.

He and I would drive home from youth group and discuss what we learned. We would talk about how God could use that lesson in our life. Many times, at camp or on a mission trip, we would pray together and sometimes cry together because sometimes life was hard. Brandon just always had my back. Even though there were times when we would fight and argue like crazy growing up, we would ALWAYS defend each other when anyone outside said something about our family...I have often felt like my brother is one of the bravest people I know, because he sees a dream and is not afraid to go after it and I hope I can be that brave too!

My brother is a fireman, and a daddy, and a husband...but mostly, I would say that my brother is man of character....just like my dad.
             Third: my husband.

 Where does one begin with this? I always knew that I wanted a large family, that I wanted to foster and adopt...but JT...he just knew he like kids. He had NO IDEA when he first met me, what our life would be like. How crazy fast and just crazy in general it would be! How much it would ask of him and take out of him. But I have seen JT hold a tiny baby girl who did not have a home, and his eyes would fill with tears, I have called him up out of the  blue to ask him if we could take another child, and his answer would be yes time after time before he ever heard all the details. I have seen him use all of his vacation days to stay home and hold a very sick, very sad little foster baby who had been abused by women so she would only let a man hold her, I have seen him holding our daughters and reading to them, I have seen him get out of bed in the middle of the night to go and help my sister who was in a bad spot, I have seen the hurt in his eyes when he lets us down, or heard his apologies when he is asking for forgiveness...I have seen him be real. JT doesn't pretend to be a perfect dad or a perfect husband...he knows his downfalls...and he talks about them with his girls. He wants them to know the power of God's grace in his life...and in our marriage. I have seen JT learn about what it means to be a dad and how to relate to God in a real way...and I have seen the passion and fire that God has put in him to help even more people who are walking a difficult road. I have seen JT continually change and grow as God does a great work in his life...even when that work is not fun. I am grateful to be married to man who is not perfect, who can admit when he is wrong, who can ask forgiveness from those he hurt, and who challenges himself to keep pressing on. I am even more grateful to be married to a man who is brave. JT is not afraid to love those that the world has decided is "unloveable", he is not afraid to accept those that the world says are just " to far gone", and he is crazy enough to listen to all my "lets just adopt every hurting child in the whole world!" passionate talks day after day.:) 
            The crazy thing about all these men in my life, is that they don't even know what kind of influence they have in this world! None of them think that they are world changers...but each of them are. Each of these men have and are changing the world...they are shining a bright light in a dark world...and each in their very different way. Each of these men have shown me a piece of the heart of Jesus that I would never have known otherwise...I know that many women do not have this kind of example in their life and have a much harder time relating to God in a relational way because of the relationship they have with their earthly father...I know that God has given me a tremendous and beautiful blessing with the men in my life and I do not ever want to take them for granted! I hope that I let them know every day...not just on Father's Day...that I love them and am proud of them and am grateful for them in my life...because I am! Happy Father's Day!!!!!