How is your marriage like an abandoned house?

         Abandoned houses....I have this weird fascination with them. I love walking through them and I love thinking about all the memories that were made there. My grandma use to take us through many old houses and make up stories about who must have lived there and what they must have dreamed....it gave me this deep appreciation for them and the sadness they represented. The other day when I was looking through photos of old houses I was reminded just how much they are like marriages. Abandoned houses....like marriages....can start out so beautiful but soon turn into lonely sadness of what use to be or what should have been....

    When we first fall in love, we have grand visions and beautiful thoughts of what will be....we begin to build our marriage one beautiful layer after another. Some of the bricks we use to build our marriage is ministry, work, or things.  Some of the paint we use is date night, romantic dinners, and fun adventures.  Some of the nails we use may be talking and sharing our life experiences.....but as time goes by....if we don't maintain our marriage....it begins to crumble.

      At first it is in places you can't really see....in the corners....where slowing you began to see some fading. Perhaps there are children that come along and that makes it a little more difficult to spend alone time together. Maybe it is that you are both so involved in ministry and helping others that when you get home, you both are to exhausted to talk about your own marriage, struggles, issues.....so they build. And over time....the beauty of what you thought your marriage could or would be....isn't.  You begin to feel lonely and sad....maybe depression sets in or addictions to other things because you are looking for those beautiful feelings once more. If you AND your spouse don't stop and begin to fix what is broken....if you continue to ignore or maybe even tell yourself it isn't that bad....if you are "ok" with how things are between you and your spouse....then you are well on your way to having a marriage that resembles an abandoned mansion. Beautiful on the outside....but on the inside....lonely and forsaken.

         So what do you do if this is the case? What if you know there are things that need to be taken care of and worked on....but you don't even know where to start? I am going to give you five things that my husband and I have found are critical for marriages to stay strong and beautiful from the inside out! These are things that we have dealt with in our own marriage and have come to see the benefit and how CRITICAL it is to stay on top of these things. If you do....if you BOTH do....the difference in your marriage will be amazing!
           So number 1: Pray together. It never ceases to amaze me how little couples actually pray together. It becomes something that is forgotten, hurried through or altogether given up. Stop this! Take time to hold each others hands....get on your knees together....and pray. Go before the very One who brought you together and PRAY! DO NOT skip this step! Even if you begin by praying together once a week....do that. Make it a priority. And PRAY.
           Number 2: Communicate with each other. This very word scares most men:) One of the things that marriages who struggle talk about the most....communication. One or both are not being heard or do not feel like the other one is truly listening.  To communicate means to share or exchange information, ideas, or news. This means that you both have to share and you both have to listen.  And this is usually the first thing that goes in a marriage....because one or both shut down. They just get tired or give up and they simply shut down. For a marriage to work the way God intended....you MUST communicate. Having six daughters who all love to talk, we know all to well how difficult this can be. Making time for just you and your spouse to communicate with each other and only each other is so important. Make it a priority no matter how late it is, how tired you are, or how long the day has been.....your marriage is worth it.

             Number 3: Make love. I know there are some of you reading this right now with mouths hanging open....and you can't believe I just said that. But friends....God is the One who gave us the gift and the ability to make love to our spouse. He is the One who gave us the JOY of lovemaking and it is a huge part of how we communicate with each other as spouses. When we first get married, we enjoy the ability to make love to our spouses, but somewhere along the way, we lose that joy. Fight for it! Don't be afraid of it and don't think for one second that just because you have been married for plus years you shouldn't be making love with each other often! OK.....enough on that one....I will save the rest of that soapbox for  another blog ;)
            Number 4: Know who your enemy is. This. This is HUGE! When I started realizing that my enemy was never my husband....but the sin....it changed my life. I then was able to battle against the correct enemy....and the enemy is NEVER your spouse. Never. No matter what they are doing or what they have done....they are not the enemy. Satan is. Sin is. Sin is  the one who continually deceives and trick and connives and lures us to forget our TRUE love...Christ. For then we become self-seekers and our marriage is well on its way for ruin. You and your spouse are ONE. God created it that way. So knowing who your enemy is allows you the ability to fight FOR and WITH your spouse. Never AT your spouse.

             Number 5: Serve each other/together. This is a tricky one.....be careful to keep your service within the boundaries that are the best for your marriage. It is easy to let serving others jump in front of serving each other. Be careful with this! Have people in your life that you and your spouse are accountable to that help you keep this in check. Be wise enough to listen when they caution you to put your marriage first above service of others. This is going to be harder for some of you than others....for me....I still struggle with this but I am learning to trust the people God has put in my life to help me keep this in check and I heed their wisdom. This requires me to say the dreaded word...NO....and it is not something I am good at, but I am getting better:)
           Fight for your marriage. Not for you to just be comfortable with it....but for you and your spouse to still be deeply in love. Fight for a oneness with each other that God ordained from the beginning. Fight for the intimacy that God longs for you to have with each other and with Him. Don't just sit by and watch your marriage become an abandoned mansion of misplaced dreams and broken plans.... You can start today and begin a walk toward each other once more.....and I promise you....your marriage is worth it!
 

Beautiful Ashes of Grace: Learning the hard lessons:

Beautiful Ashes of Grace: Learning the hard lessons::          I am sitting here trying to figure out how to put into words what I am feeling....and I am really struggling. I can't hardly...

Learning the hard lessons:

         I am sitting here trying to figure out how to put into words what I am feeling....and I am really struggling. I can't hardly see due to the tears that keep falling down my face.....you see....here we are at Christmas. Again. Another year gone and another year to celebrate the birth of our King. But I am seriously struggling with how my children feel about giving.
          Am I teaching them that giving is TRULY more important than getting? Would they be willing to walk away from a gift for them, to give someone else a gift? I don't know.....it seems in our society more and more children are walking around entitled. They have a sense of "deserving" this or that, when they have done nothing to deserve it. They want to fit in with everyone around them which means they want the newest phone, the newest electronic, the coolest name brand clothes or the most recent music that everyone is listening to....and it breaks my heart. I am watching a generation grow up without having a clue as to what it truly means to give....to the sacrifice. Oh sure they will give some change in the red cross bucket or buy a friend a gift....but it isn't really costing them anything....it isn't sacrificing.They aren't going without so that someone else can have. They aren't having to sacrifice as long they still get....
        Sacrificial love isn't about giving because you have enough to share....it is about giving your all. It is about going without so that someone else can have what is yours. It is about sharing when there ISN'T enough to share....sacrificing. It is about the beautiful elderly woman in Mark 12:42 who gave her last penny...her all.  I want my children to know what it means to sacrifice....to give up...to go without. That is the kind of giving I want my children to know....they are very good at sharing....as long as it doesn't really cost them. They love to buy the coffee for the person in line behind us....as long as they still get theirs. They love to pay for the gas of the person beside us....as long as they can still go where they need to. But would they be willing to share if it truly cost them....after this week, I realize that we still have training to do....
       Do my children even know what sacrifice means? And how very important it is that we understand and practice this? We live in such a "get" world....every day it is about what we can get, how fast we can get it, and who is stopping us from getting it....it shows in how we treat cars that cut us off, in how we treat the people in a long line at the store, in how we treat our spouse and our children when things aren't done on our time table....and our children absorb and soak in all of it. They watch....and learn...and duplicate.

       Then we have the issue of comparing....our friends have a phone, mp3 player, gaming system, ect.....so we too need those things. Our friends are allowed to watch that movie, listen to that song, date that person....so we should be allowed to as well. And for me....in the last few years....I allowed a subtle shift of priorities. I stopped training as much as I started giving in....it was just easier and I was weary.
       The last few years have been rough to say the least and in trying to stand strong, stay focused, stay true to my faith....and in just being weary from the battle....I got tired. My husband wasn't on the same page as me and my family was falling apart and I was desperately trying to hold all the pieces together and now I see that I let some of my belief system be changed because of my exhaustion and weariness....and isn't that where satan wants us to be at? Weary? Tired? Overwhelmed? Letting our guard down so that he can sneak in and deceive.
       So now it is time to refocus....once the Holy Spirit brings something to our attention, we have the choice, just like every child, to choose to obey or continue on in our ways. I choose to turn around. I choose to acknowledge that I still have alot of room for improvement as a parent and I choose to listen to the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. I choose to fight for my family. I choose to not give up because it is easier to give in than to train.

            So I challenge you to take an honest look at your family. Be willing to hold up the mirror of God's Word and see what your family can change to walk in a more intimate way with Jesus. Don't be afraid to see what the weaknesses are in your family....we are not expected to be a perfect family...but are we growing? Do we pursue and search the heart of Christ as a family? Do we have those conversations with our children that challenge them in their faith and make them seek out their own hearts of who they serve...and why. Are we teaching our children that the Holy Spirit is a great teacher and that when He shows us these things, it is because He loves us. He longs for us to be ever closer....ever pursuing...ever seeking. His love for us is beyond what we can ever fathom with our physical brain and that by giving our all in all areas, we are getting more than we can comprehend? 

        This week has been a great lesson for me....and one I am learning from. We are not a perfect family. We have our struggles and our weaknesses. But it is BECAUSE of those weaknesses that Christ is glorified through us as we continue to  learn as a family how to fall deeper in love with our King. I am proud of my daughters for desiring to learn more about the heart of Jesus....even when the lesson is a hard one. I am grateful that Jesus never gives up on us....and that He lovingly teaches us lessons that are vital for us to learn. So I pray the lessons continue....I pray we continue to learn of our weak areas as a family and that we are not afraid to talk about the things we struggle with as we push on together in learning how to be more Christlike....in every area..... and that this year we give our all. In all areas. In all ways.