This has been the hardest year of my life. It has been full of grief that has went so deep into the very core of my spirit. It has taken away much from me that left me feeling less than a whole person. It has been full of tears, begging, praying, crying out, and standing firm....it has been hard. Really, really hard. I have watched my daughters struggle with questions that I could not answer and I have seen each of them searching....some leaning towards the heart of the Father, some anything but the heart of the Father....and it has been hard.
I have spent this entire year standing firm and believing that God would redeem and restore what the enemy was fighting so hard to destroy. I prayed, fasted, had others pray, believed and waited....and waited...and things just kept getting worse and worse. It began to unravel faster and faster until here I sit...on the last day of the year 2017....and I am ready to say good-bye.
I am ready to say good-bye to dreams that have died. Good-bye to prayers that have changed from praying for restoration to prayers of strength to walk away. My marriage has been kept on life support for years because I wouldn't accept what was shown to me over and over in the actions of my husband. I have prayed against my husband's free will for a long time....not wanting him to have free will but instead wanting God to "force" him to love us....and I am saying good-bye to that. My husband does have free will just like I do....and ultimately, do I really want to be "loved" by someone who is forced to do so? No! Of course not!! I want to be chosen....and I have not been chosen by my husband in many years. So it is time to say good-bye. It is time to let go....and trust that God can work all kinds of things out that are impossible to me and so if ever there is a day when my husband chooses me again....I guess we will see.
Because there is something else God has shown me through this terrible year....He is faithful. He chooses me. Every day. He loves me just because He wants too...and HE see's value in me and in my daughters. He has opened my eyes to see that not every person is going to see my value or worth...or my daughters. I think that all men...and women....have a choice. We each get to decide every day who we serve. Ourselves or others. Satan or God. I know many of you will say it isn't that simple....but yes it is. You are serving one of them right now...you were created to serve. So you do....you have a master....and only you know who that is. But one thing I have learned is that you cannot say you love the King and live for the enemy....or yourself. It won't work. Your fruit will be rotten and you will only be able to sustain it for a small time before it reveals itself. If you are not connected to the vine....Jesus....and if you do not lean into His Word....you will live for yourself and it will cost you....and your family....greatly.
The girls and I have lost a lot this year. We have lost friends, trust, things, love, and security.....but we have also found a lot this year. We have found reliance on God for ALL things. We have found peace in the middle of giant waves crashing over us. We have found laughter in each other. We have found the ability to dance again, play again, dream again....and we have found hope that we didn't even know existed. We have found truth and we have determined that we wouldn't believe anymore lies. We have rooted ourselves in truth and in that we have found strength. We have found friends that have become family. We have found that it is ok to ask for help....( I'm still working on this one but getting better every day!) We have found that we can still have adventures, joy, excitement and love....even in the midst of great sorrow. We have found how free crying can make you feel. We have found a tenderness toward each other that would never have been there had we not walked through all of this together. Trauma does a number on your heart and spirit and we have walked through a lot of trauma....and in that I have seen a faith in my younger girls that leaves me humbled to be their mom. I have seen Christ grow these tiny daughters into fierce, young warriors who know the Word of God and stand bravely to speak it even when it is hard. We have found a joy in each other that can only come from going through really hard times with each other. When you have lost so much....and yet....you realize just how much you have in each other....it makes you grateful. W have found a gratefulness for just about everything. We have seen the hand of God over us, and we have heard His whispers of love, and we have felt His very presence in our lives....and it has given us grateful hearts.
I have found that I am capable of living on my own! Who knew?! I went straight from my parents home to my husbands and I have never lived on my own and I doubted my ability to do so more than anything else....but I am doing it! I am capable of making good choices that keep my family secure. I am learning that I underestimated myself alot and I allowed others to make me feel as though I wasn't smart or pretty or good enough for them....and it did a number on my spirit....but this year has been healing in that area as well! I have stopped believing the lies that I "can't" do it....and I have started speaking truth to myself. God says I can do ALL THINGS....so I do. I just believe His Word....I stop making it so complicated and messy and I just believe what it says. His Word covers how we are to live our lives in great detail....and for believers, our lives are to be lived different from this world. So I live differently. You may agree or disagree with that, but it really doesn't matter does it? Because it isn't about what you think....it is about God's Truth. And me living that truth out to the best of my ability. I have walked this road as openly as I could because I want others to know that we all struggle! We all sin and then sin again and we mess up and then mess up again....but we strive for holiness. In all we do. In all we say. In how we live....and it is hard. Really hard sometimes! But we keep being honest, we keep being real, and we just keep pressing into the heart of our King....this isn't about perfection....never that. This is about who I serve....and Who motivates me to live life true to my calling....
So we say hello to this next year and all that it holds for us.....and we say good-bye to all of last years torment and pain. We let go of trying to "force" people into what we believe is the right way for them to live....and we allow them to make their own choices and live their life the way they want, even if we know it will end in pain. We don't control it...or them. We let their choices be between them and God. We set it aside, let go, turn our faces up to the Heavens, and take a step forward....always forward. For we have learned that looking back only brings sorrow....but feeling the fresh wind of hope and change on our faces, brings us joy and wonder at what is waiting ahead! We dream of the future and what it holds for us. We feel our spirits lift within us at knowing that God has some exciting plans ahead for us. For we KNOW that God has good for us. We know that what lies ahead is for our good and His glory....and we step bravely into that.
This song has been one of our favorites and this is what we commit to do this next year...chase after our King! With all this is within us!!
