Toady is Sunday my friends!

Today is Sunday my friends.
To be honest, Sundays have been a struggle for me for so so SO long. Being a single mom, I have all the reasons why I am tired or just not feeling it today....but each week we get up and we go.
Sometimes it was nothing but obedience to God that got me out of the house on Sunday. Because it's hard.
The families.
The husbands and wives.
The parents helping each other out and sitting next to each other in church.
It all felt so catered to the "couples" or the "college and single" groups...and I felt so lost in all of it. It was a constant reminder of what once was...and what I thought would be...
You see....my heart has always found beauty in the church.
Singing with hands raised or knees bowed, hands held together as the preacher prays, the beautiful sound of the pages of the Bible rustling as each person searches for the truth being shared...and I always KNEW I was called to be involved in ministry, but when my husband left, I felt he took that part of me away.
But I want to be obedient to God and I want to teach my daughters the value and importance of being part of a church family...even when it is hard. I want to teach them to go even if they don't "feel it".
Some Sundays are easier and full of joy.
Others I struggle through each part of it.
Because grief is a funny thing that comes in weird ways at times.

Here's the thing though...I know that the enemy loves to destroy and rob...he takes away things. And I refused to give him this part of myself. He had already taken so much away from the girls and I that I clung to and fought hard for this one thing...to stay connected to the Church. It wasn't easy....still isn't to be honest. The introvert  in me is comfortable with being alone and so reaching out is harder for me. As I wrestled with these feelings and was just honest with God about how I felt....I would whisper to Him that I will be obedient and go....but it was a struggle at first especially!
I can say now...three years into it...that the enemy does not get to take my purpose away. No matter how much he "took" from me....the loss of being a stay at home mom, the loss of homeschooling, the loss of being a wife to someone I loved dearly,...you get the picture :) He could not take away my purpose unless I handed it to him.
I still have a purpose. God still has dreams for me and plans for me. He still has dreams and plans for you. Nothing has changed that!! This part of the story was already written into our chapters, we just hadn't gotten there yet.
Maybe you are facing or have faced loss....epic loss that took your breath away and made you feel like you were free falling down a pit of despair that never seemed to end...I know what you have felt. I know the pain that has pierced your soul...and I know it can be hard to refocus with clarity and hope. So I hope I encourage you to never stop pursuing Jesus. Never stop being obedient to the One who gave His life up for you...His beloved and adored one...because He LONGS to have a relationship with you that is deep and intimate.
I can say that sometimes just getting up and doing....each week...day after day....opening your Bible and reading His Truth. Getting dressed and going into the church, even though you sit in the back and tremble because of the awkwardness of it all....you KEEP going. You KEEP reading. You KEEP on....there is freedom and hope that comes with that faithfulness. God has such a beautiful way of weaving the physical and spiritual together and something happens when you just stay faithful in the smallest of things...like going to church.

Today is Sunday my friends!
A beautiful day that dawns a new week.
A beautiful moment to sit beside sisters and brothers who each have their own struggle...and we get to lift our hands up together and sing loud whether we hit the right notes or not! We get to bend our knee and cry our tears and we get to look around at the other people right there alongside of us...and KNOW that it was just as hard for some of them to walk through those doors as it was for you. We get to see brave and broken all in the same room together. We get to close our eyes and hear the whisper of the angels as they worship alongside those brave and broken souls.
Today is Sunday my friends!
A day like no other day.
A day that is meant to be sacred.
A day that is a gift to share.
A day where hearts are changed and minds are drawn to the Creator.
So let's rejoice in this day!
Let's stay faithful and true...never wavering in our love for Jesus...no matter what may come.

Wounds of healing

Healing.
I have heard this word over and over and usually accompanied by the words," it just takes time."
I have come to dislike those words.
I have also come to a place where I realize that even healing has its own wounds. Healing is not a magical spot that once you "arrive" all the pain goes away and you are "fixed" from the hurt of whatever you are healing from.
Healing is a process of surrender. It is coming to a place where each day you surrender to the knowledge that life is not going as planned. You surrender to the process of surrender. That sounds way more complicated than it actually is.
Life is difficult at times to say the least and it can be going along in a beautiful way just for in mere seconds a shift in the whole universe causes your world to fall apart. It can happen in so many different ways.
A phone call.
A picture.
A video.
A moment.
And the shattering happens....just like that.
It will take your breath away and you will wonder if you will make it.

You will.
It will take a long time for you to really believe that.
Don't rush it.
Give yourself time to cry.
Give yourself time to grieve.
Give yourself time to be completely and utterly disappointed that life did not go as planned.
Give yourself time to face the jagged remains of what was once your heart...your dreams...even at times your soul.
Healing has its own wounds.
The wounds are their own healing.....for without them, you would not grow. You would not be able to look at this world differently.
Those of us who walk wounded....which is all of us at some point in our lives, we have a choice to make.
Stay wounded.
Or let the wounds heal...but let beauty grow from their scars.
It really is that simple....and it really is that hard.
We need to allow people to verbalize their pain. We need to allow people to say that things didn't go as planned....because even in the verbalizing of it, healing can come. We need to meet people right where they are in the middle of the really ugly moment and we don't need to tell them what to say, feel, or think....but instead we just stay beside them. We make sure they know they are not alone. We let them cry, rage, curse if they need too.....we let them heal....slowly if necessary.
God is not afraid of my pain. He doesn't look away or tell me I need to move on.
He DOES allow me to feel....and feel hard sometimes.
Sometimes the very breath you breathe is hard to feel....and the shards of our heart jab our spirit with each breath.
I get it.
I have felt it.
I have also been at the crossroads of healing.
Do I turn my heart off so I don't have to hurt anymore?
Or do I allow myself to feel this pain....trusting that God is growing beauty from it?
I am the only one that can answer that.
You are the only one that can answer the cry of your own heart?
So will you stop it from beating so that you save yourself from pain?
Or do you let it beat....throbbing at times....trusting that with each painful throb....something beautiful is coming?
For me....I choose beauty.
And I know it comes with a cost.
It will require my heart....my tears...and it will hurt.
But what will come from that pain, is something so beautiful that every second of the pain will be worth it.
It may not feel that way right now.
I get it.
But my dear friend....even when your heart is breaking....BELIEVE IN THE BEAUTIFUL.
God is at work in these scar filled hearts of ours.
God is orchestrating a melody and symphony that will capture the darkness you feel and turn it into a bright and powerful light for the one behind you just beginning their journey.
God is growing these tired and worn out hearts into something captivating.
We just have to BELIEVE IN THE BEAUTIFUL....really and deeply believe.