Believing that God is good...FOR OUR GOOD....can be really hard for me at times.
Often time I want to see God's Word come to pass BEFORE I believe and rejoice. If only I would believe what He speaks to me and IMMEDIATELY rejoice and obey!
I find myself in such a different spot than I ever imagined I would be in. I always thought I would grow old with my husband and at this point in our lives....nearly 20 years of marriage...we would be sitting on the couch in the evenings together talking about our day....and truly just enjoying each other.
But instead....I find myself sitting on the couch alone.
And still at times it takes my breath away....and I wonder how I got to this spot.
I guess we all have those moments, don't we? When we just sit and think about life...and the choices that led us to where we are.
I have learned to embrace these moments....to truly sit in them and let my heart and mind search. I don't try and stop my feelings but instead just let myself feel them...and in the feeling, I take each emotion and lay it down at the feet of Jesus.
Sometimes it is the emotion of frustration....WHY IS THIS HAPPENING kind of emotion.
Sometimes it is raw pain...I did not want this road and it hurts my heart to walk it.
Other times it is deep grief....I have LOST. That is truth and in that truth there is grief.
And sometimes it is anger...Why is this allowed? Why didn't God change this? Change him? Change me? Why didn't it work out the way I thought it should?
All of these emotions can lead to depression, bitterness, and rooted anger if I don't identify them and face them. Facing our emotions can be so scary! But it can also be such a beautiful exchange between God and me. I lay each emotion at His feet...and in exchange He takes my emotion and gives me peace instead. He takes my anger and exchanges it for joy. He takes my frustration and exchanges it for long suffering and patience. He reaches into the very depth of my heart and takes my deep grief and exchanges it for hope. Each broken emotion that I bring to Him, He takes it so gently and slowly begins the process of untangling it from my heart. He takes the hurt and if I am brave enough to name it....to face it...He traces that emotion back to the root....and He removes the very root of that pain. The most beautiful part of all of it is that He never just takes from me, leaving empty spaces void of anything. He FILLS them with HIS PRESENCE.
I think I will always be learning of His ways, but this is one of my favorite things He has shown me. Because it is such a beautiful exchange between a Father and his daughter. And it is raw and personal. It is me being brave enough to admit that at times I DON"T FEEL good about the story He has written in my life. It is about being honest enough to look into His eyes, knowing He bears the scars of the Cross, and still tell Him this part of the story hurts. It is about trusting Him enough with all of my heart.
Trusting that God has not only allowed this part of the story but also that it is FOR MY GOOD....I wrestle with that. I wrestle that my younger daughters being raised without a dad is for their good. I wrestle that my tears cried and my heart sobs are good for me....I wrestle with all of that. And let's be honest....I wrestle with the unanswered prayers for my husband. I wrestle with why God has not stepped in and spoken truth to my husband instead of letting him slowly destroy himself. I watch in despair and sadness as I see from afar the choices that he continues to make and I see how those choices affect him, my daughters, and myself. Yes, I wrestle with much. Even now....three years into it.
But I also believe.
And so I just choose to be brave this day.
I choose to face the emotion and to know that my God is big enough to handle all of my emotional self!
I choose to believe in the beauty that is still there....and I choose to be grateful. Out loud.
I choose to praise and sing even when my heart is so heavy....I raise my halleluiah in the middle of my "even if" moments.
And sometimes, I just let myself get quiet and I let myself wrestle with all the "I don't understands" that I have inside of me....and I write. I write out my heart and what God is showing me and teaching me in hopes that someone else will read it and realize they are not the only ones wrestling...and that it is ok to wrestle. To question. To wonder....
So maybe this is part of the sanctification process. Maybe this is the part where we are able to peel back the exterior of a world that is hurting and broken and yet acts like they have it all together....and maybe we can just be honest with them. Show them that when we commit our lives to Jesus, it doesn't always go the beautiful way of our dreams. Maybe we can show them how to hurt, how to be angry, how to walk through betrayal and pain....how to be blind sided by grief....and STILL BELIEVE. Maybe that is part of the story as well....because after all....that is what Jesus did for us didn't He? He showed us how to walk out each of our different emotions, and simply cry out to God through them. He showed us how to surrender them....and have an exchange with the Father in them.
This is my prayer. That through all of this....Jesus will be seen in my every moment.
Because then all of it makes a little more sense.
Maybe there is something holy in the wrestling that I do....
Maybe all of this is allowed so that JESUS can be seen in all of it. And maybe....someone out there is watching us, and because we aren't afraid to be honest about our story, they commit their lives to Jesus.
Maybe that is part of this whole story.....
Maybe redemption does come....but for someone that I don't even know about yet.
Maybe redemption will be the very best part of this story after all.
I find myself in such a different spot than I ever imagined I would be in. I always thought I would grow old with my husband and at this point in our lives....nearly 20 years of marriage...we would be sitting on the couch in the evenings together talking about our day....and truly just enjoying each other.
But instead....I find myself sitting on the couch alone.
And still at times it takes my breath away....and I wonder how I got to this spot.
I guess we all have those moments, don't we? When we just sit and think about life...and the choices that led us to where we are.
I have learned to embrace these moments....to truly sit in them and let my heart and mind search. I don't try and stop my feelings but instead just let myself feel them...and in the feeling, I take each emotion and lay it down at the feet of Jesus.
Sometimes it is the emotion of frustration....WHY IS THIS HAPPENING kind of emotion.
Sometimes it is raw pain...I did not want this road and it hurts my heart to walk it.
Other times it is deep grief....I have LOST. That is truth and in that truth there is grief.
And sometimes it is anger...Why is this allowed? Why didn't God change this? Change him? Change me? Why didn't it work out the way I thought it should?
All of these emotions can lead to depression, bitterness, and rooted anger if I don't identify them and face them. Facing our emotions can be so scary! But it can also be such a beautiful exchange between God and me. I lay each emotion at His feet...and in exchange He takes my emotion and gives me peace instead. He takes my anger and exchanges it for joy. He takes my frustration and exchanges it for long suffering and patience. He reaches into the very depth of my heart and takes my deep grief and exchanges it for hope. Each broken emotion that I bring to Him, He takes it so gently and slowly begins the process of untangling it from my heart. He takes the hurt and if I am brave enough to name it....to face it...He traces that emotion back to the root....and He removes the very root of that pain. The most beautiful part of all of it is that He never just takes from me, leaving empty spaces void of anything. He FILLS them with HIS PRESENCE.
I think I will always be learning of His ways, but this is one of my favorite things He has shown me. Because it is such a beautiful exchange between a Father and his daughter. And it is raw and personal. It is me being brave enough to admit that at times I DON"T FEEL good about the story He has written in my life. It is about being honest enough to look into His eyes, knowing He bears the scars of the Cross, and still tell Him this part of the story hurts. It is about trusting Him enough with all of my heart.
Trusting that God has not only allowed this part of the story but also that it is FOR MY GOOD....I wrestle with that. I wrestle that my younger daughters being raised without a dad is for their good. I wrestle that my tears cried and my heart sobs are good for me....I wrestle with all of that. And let's be honest....I wrestle with the unanswered prayers for my husband. I wrestle with why God has not stepped in and spoken truth to my husband instead of letting him slowly destroy himself. I watch in despair and sadness as I see from afar the choices that he continues to make and I see how those choices affect him, my daughters, and myself. Yes, I wrestle with much. Even now....three years into it.
But I also believe.
And so I just choose to be brave this day.
I choose to face the emotion and to know that my God is big enough to handle all of my emotional self!
I choose to believe in the beauty that is still there....and I choose to be grateful. Out loud.
I choose to praise and sing even when my heart is so heavy....I raise my halleluiah in the middle of my "even if" moments.
And sometimes, I just let myself get quiet and I let myself wrestle with all the "I don't understands" that I have inside of me....and I write. I write out my heart and what God is showing me and teaching me in hopes that someone else will read it and realize they are not the only ones wrestling...and that it is ok to wrestle. To question. To wonder....
So maybe this is part of the sanctification process. Maybe this is the part where we are able to peel back the exterior of a world that is hurting and broken and yet acts like they have it all together....and maybe we can just be honest with them. Show them that when we commit our lives to Jesus, it doesn't always go the beautiful way of our dreams. Maybe we can show them how to hurt, how to be angry, how to walk through betrayal and pain....how to be blind sided by grief....and STILL BELIEVE. Maybe that is part of the story as well....because after all....that is what Jesus did for us didn't He? He showed us how to walk out each of our different emotions, and simply cry out to God through them. He showed us how to surrender them....and have an exchange with the Father in them.
This is my prayer. That through all of this....Jesus will be seen in my every moment.
Because then all of it makes a little more sense.
Maybe there is something holy in the wrestling that I do....
Maybe all of this is allowed so that JESUS can be seen in all of it. And maybe....someone out there is watching us, and because we aren't afraid to be honest about our story, they commit their lives to Jesus.
Maybe that is part of this whole story.....
Maybe redemption does come....but for someone that I don't even know about yet.
Maybe redemption will be the very best part of this story after all.
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