And then it was final.

I have often thought over the years on how I would write this post if I had to write it. 

It still is a difficult post to write but one that needs to be written. 

We need to be having conversations about hard things and unfortunately, divorce is one of them.

A little peek into the back story: I married what I believed to be my dream man on Nov. 4th, 2000. We began building our marriage on a foundation of Christ and each other....or so I thought. We packed a lot of hard things in a small amount of years and we were both very young, but we had many, many, many fun adventures and beautiful moments. I had the beautiful opportunity to be a stay at home mom and I fully delighted in being a mom and a wife. I have always felt things deeply and being a mom and a wife would leave me in grateful tears so many times. 

Each day was full of choices and slowly....ever so slowly....the choices that my husband made and the choices that I made did not align with each other anymore. Our marriage became a place of great sadness for me. It seemed like there was always another broken promise or another broken dream and I just cried a lot. I reached out to his parents and my parents and the church....desperately seeking help because honestly, I just loved him. Eventually the struggles got even more significant and he went to rehab. My daughters and I believed with all of our hearts that this would be the thing that God would use to bring him back to us. And for awhile, we thought it did....

However, we always have free will and free choices. It is one of the most beautiful things about being a human....the right to choose. But with those rights come a great responsibility and ownership of our choices. We get to make them but sometimes the consequences of them are not just ours but instead are shared by our family. During the time that my husband was in rehab, our entire family was learning about recovery and I was learning a lot about what I had accepted as "normal" and what I had accepted as "ok" even though I knew it didn't sit well with my spirit. Over the years, I had learned to constantly doubt myself. I lived in a forever state of questioning myself....did I really hear that? Is that what I really saw? Was I being stupid and selfish for asking for that? Was I being dumb for expecting faithfulness? I was constantly told that I didn't see or hear what I knew I did and that I never understood what was really going on because I just didn't get it....I didn't realize it then, but I had lived in a state of being gas lighted and manipulated for years. 

I didn't realize it then but looking back I think that the rehab wasn't actually for my husband but it was for my daughters and I. It was for us to have our eyes opened and stop enabling and start speaking up for ourselves and for truth. We needed to be educated on it because I know that if I had not have been educated on what was going on, I would have stayed....even though chronic infidelity and abuse was going on. I would have stayed because that is what I was taught to do. I thought that was what God wanted me to do. I didn't feel like I was worth anything more than how I was being treated. 

This is why this conversation needs to happen. Because even today we are teaching things to our children and we may not be aware that we are inadvertently teaching them to tolerate and accept abuse. My parents never taught me to accept abuse, they taught me to never give up on a marriage. So when I was in a marriage that kept crossing the lines, I didn't have the right tools to help me navigate through it. My church never taught me that abuse is ok, but it did teach me that divorce is wrong. I love Jesus and have always tried to honor Him with my whole life, so this meant in my mind that getting a divorce would mean that I was being disobedient to Christ. I cannot adequately express how much turmoil this put me in!! I wrestled with it day and night and was so torn.

Thankfully God had put some amazing counselors and mentors in our lives and they were able to help me navigate through first separation and then up to this point today...the finalization of the divorce. I did not want a divorce at first because I wanted my husband to see value in me and the girls and want to stay with us and be in love with just me....no other women....but that was what I dreamed of, not what I had. I am so grateful for counselors that taught me how to see my reality for what it was and not what I dreamed it would be. I wanted my husband to be someone he chose not to be and I could not take that choice away from him. 

I tend to see good in most everyone. Because of how I was raised, I was taught to see the story behind the actions and I always believed that God had called my husband to be a great man. I saw true value in his story...even the hard parts that broke my heart. I knew that God could take all that and turn it into a powerful testimony for His glory!! I still believe that about my now ex husband. I believe that God can take all of us, mess and all, when we simply repent and surrender our mess to Him and He can bring beauty from any ash.  But again, we cannot take away a persons right to choose. If someone does not want to be faithful, no one can force them to do so. It comes from their character....the integrity that is either in them or not.  I want my girls to believe in miracles and redemption even as I want them to believe in God's Word as the final authority in their lives. 

I have learned so many things, some of them have broken my heart, and some of them have opened my heart, but all of them have been used by God to teach me more about His heart and the way He sees me. I learned how to set boundaries up and not be afraid to protect myself or my girls. I learned to trust my intuition again that is God given! I learned to surround myself with people who speak truth to my heart and who are not afraid to stand up for wrong behavior. 

Sitting here thinking about the last four years I am simply flooded with emotion! Thankfully I feel I have worked through so much of my pain and that now I am just looking forward to the future. My life detoured in such a drastic way and it nearly took the life right out of me. But when we cry out to God, He always hears us. He never once has left me alone and in my darkest moments that were full of so much pain and agony, He was there and His Word ministered to my heart in supernatural ways. 

I recently had a friend ask me if I still believed in love. ABSOLUTELY!! I want my daughters to believe in love and romance and beauty. I want them to know that there ARE men of honor who value their family and their wives and that God longs for them to have that as well. I also want my girls to know what to do if the person they married ever starts to abuse them. I want them to know when to fight for the marriage and when to let God do the fighting for them. I want them to know their value and worth and NEVER stay in a relationship that is abusive or harmful to them physically, emotionally, spiritually or mentally. I want them to learn how to stand firm on what is right and never be afraid to stand on their boundaries. I want them to know that being in alignment with God's Word is vital and that it is NOT wrong to hold people accountable for their actions as long as you also understand that they have the right to choose who they serve....and so do you. 

I am sad that my dream was broken, even as I am full of gratefulness for God giving me new dreams. Divorce was NEVER part of my dream and has taken me a long time to accept that it is now forever a part of my story. The redemption of my marriage that I prayed for was not to be and once I accepted that I started understanding more about God's love for us. He offers redemption to everyone, but not everyone will accept it and they have the right to choose.

So as my next chapter begins, I know to do this one thing. Love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind and soul. Draw so close to Him every single day. Keep my eyes looking up. When I start to get really depressed ( yes, it still does happen at times), put on a worship song and go for a drive with the windows rolled down, or go into my war room and simply get on my knees and have a good cry. BE REAL. I refuse to pretend anymore. I did for so many years and I will never go back to that!!  Sometimes people say I am "to real"....nope. It is when we share our struggles, our victories, and our weaknesses that we see God's strength in us. 

The JOY of the Lord is my STRENGTH. I take this verse very literal and it has proven true for me. His joy becomes my strength, Praise God! Every time I have had to figure out life when I had NO CLUE what to do, I choose His joy and it became my strength and still to this day is the strength that gets me through each day. I still believe in miracles and marriage! I don't ever see myself remarrying because lets face it...my life is CRAZY and it would take an exceptional man to fall in love with all of our craziness! For those of you who thought my standards were high before....they have only gotten stronger!  I have these beautiful daughters watching me and learning from me and I want to teach them well. The good news is that contrary to what I believed for so long, I CAN have dreams and goals and I CAN make a difference in this world even if I am not married. Jeremiah 29:13 is one of my all time favorite verses and it says, " You will seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all your heart." So that is what I plan to do....with all my heart.