Fearfully Brave

 

Fear.
It is something I have always wrestled with.
As a little girl, I remember waking up when I was very tiny and yelling for my dad because I was so afraid...of everything. I used to have dreams of cars and trucks driving by out of control, buses falling from the sky with children in them, airplanes falling into our pasture, tornadoes coming down the road in a terrible whirlwind of darkness, and families screaming and crying. I would be standing in the middle of the road...frozen in fear.
Fear use to keep me hiding in the bathroom during school or church, afraid to come out because of some unknown rejection or monster awaiting.
Fear has always been the demon that pulls at me the loudest.

Can you live bravely with fear?

I have learned through therapy that a lot of this comes from being so out of control of everything in my life. I have rarely gotten to make a choice for myself, and even when I could, the fear of what others would think or how it would affect others around me would immobilize me, and panic would set in.

I often have people tell me they see me as strong....which is fascinating to me because I am the least strong person of them all. On a daily basis, I have to surrender my fear to God. I have to trust that He is in control regardless of my situation and circumstances...or even how many times the "very worst" has actually come true. God has still been in control.

I have always wanted to be strong and brave. I have always wanted my daughters to see me as someone who doesn't give up and someone who lives bravely....but the reality is that I am often afraid. I have learned that life goes on regardless of my fear and that it robs me of adventures and moments I long to have.

I wish we talked more openly about our struggles. I often wonder why we don't...maybe that is our own fear inside of us. Maybe we all have this fear of being rejected or thought of as...less than. Maybe we hide it in different ways, some loud and obnoxious, others quiet and timid, but we all still have those moments of shaking in our souls that "the worst" could happen.

It can.

It does.

It will.

And yet....

God has this way of speaking to the deepest parts of me in those moments. It is in those moments that I can often hear God the clearest. There is calm deep in my spirit, that whispers to me to breathe...to keep moving...to cry if needed....but to trust that there is still beauty in the world around me. It is THAT part of me...that part that coexists with the wrestling of the fear, that opens my eyes to the music of kindness and beauty around me.

Life has been a crazy adventure for me. One that has rarely felt safe. And although I am not a brave person, I AM growing and learning to sit in the space of my heart pounding and the "what if's" echoing inside my head and remind myself that in every "even if" moment so far, God has been faithful. I know I hear people say "even if" I will still praise Him....but let me tell you that when you are faced with your worst "even if"....it is not as easy as saying the words.

So can you live bravely with fear?

In short....yes. Acknowledging the fear is there doesn't mean you have surrendered to it. It just means you don't ignore the elephant in the room and I often think we do this as Christians. We think we have to have it all together or at least enough together that the world will someone come to know Jesus because of us....and that is pride. The Holy Spirit draws the heart of the soul...not you. Not me. Maybe instead of pretending that we didn't struggle and wrestle with real life issues...we could just be real.

Or is that too scary?

I want to live a life that trusts God when I fall into sin, knowing the price has been paid and His arms are always open.

I want to live a life that believes that God means what He says when He promises to provide as Jehovah-Jireh.

I want to live a life that is humbled by the beauty of those around me who have faced impossible things and still are kind.

I want to live a life that stands firmly rooted on Scripture even when my knees shake and my voice trembles because another "even if" moment is here.

I want to learn to live in grace for myself...and know that the Word of God is true and steady even when I am a hot mess.

I want my daughters to see that I often have no idea what I am doing or how to do it....and sometimes get it so horribly wrong...but that God sees into our hearts and knows the depths of our marrow...and He loves and adores us even still.

I want to talk about real life with those around me. The hard messy parts that don't fit into the perfect packaged Sunday School answer.... the ones that have big feelings with unclear answers. I want to talk about how if you really read the Bible....you understand that it is woven together with stories of people who loved God with all their heart...and still sinned, worried about life, made poor choices, got themselves into the biggest messes, and still.... were chosen by God.

I want those around me to see....

Imperfect.

Messy.

Afraid

Often uncertain.

Ridiculous at times.

Beauty seeker

Learning.

Growing.

Seeker of truth

Lover of kindness

In need of grace every day.

Forgiven

And to know that acknowledging the human parts of us is a good and beautiful things to do. We don't have to be perfect. We don't have to always have the right Scripture that makes sense. We don't have to judge someone by the middle of their story. We can love those who believe different, and trust that the Holy Spirit does His work on the INSIDE...the parts that you may not see for a long time coming. We can say we are afraid but that doesn't mean we live in fear. We can say we are confused but that doesn't mean we don't trust God. We can say we don't know the answer....

Being a Christian is not what I thought it would be when I was six. My life has not gone even one way that I thought it might.

But I can honestly say that life is beautiful.

I see God woven throughout every detail.

I hear the song He sings over me even in the darkest shadows of the soul.

I know I still have so much to learn about the heart of God. I still have so much to learn about how the Holy Spirit works inside of someone....and honestly, I still have a lot to learn about living brave. But I will show up for it.

Every day.

I will show up and I will learn.... because there is something about this life that pulls at my soul to see the beauty in the messy learning parts. So here I am... showing up. Just as I am.

And you know what?

God is here.

Right in this messy learning space with me.

I love that about Him.