Sometimes thankfulness looks like tears: Our first Thanksgiving without her

 

Thanksgiving approaches.

With it comes overwhelming gratitude...

With it comes overwhelming sadness...

The beauty of true thankfulness is that it looks all of life right in the eye and acknowledges all the chapters that have come so far....and it says thank you. 

Thankfulness doesn't come from having a life that is perfectly packaged and delivered in Pinterest worthy fashion. 

Thankfulness that flows from the heart can be wrapped in ribbons of humanity which may look like sadness, grief, questions, and wonderings....and through it all, a steady rhythm beats in the breast of the brokenhearted. Thankful. Grateful. Humbled to live a life that is rich with all that life has to offer, which includes pain and hurt sometimes. 

This will be the first Thanksgiving without our Kari girl on earth. 

I close my eyes and think of how we will all gather together and bow our heads and she will not be there with us. 

I think of how we will each take a plate and fill it full with favorite dishes that are looked forward to each year, and how she will not be there. 

I close my eyes and am taken back to years before...and can hear her laugh so clearly that I long to keep my eyes closed forever, for I know when I open them...she will be gone again. In the quiet moments where I am taken back in time, I see her pumping her legs on a swing singing her praises out to Jesus loud and sweet. I see long blonde hair streaming in the breeze and a smile as she looks up to Heaven singing to her King. How she loved singing to Him! I keep my eyes closed and breathe deep and slow...and think of how she is now walking with Jesus face to face and how she must be singing to Him with such joy. 

I slowly open my eyes and am back...here in the house where she was raised...where her pictures still smile back at me from their spot on the wall and where her imprints are seen every day. I look out the window and see the brilliant colored leaves falling from the trees and wonder if there is a Fall in Heaven. I see the wind blow the leaves around and the sunshine plays on the burning bush in the yard and think of the colors Kari must be seeing this year in Heaven. Colors that my eyes have never seen. 

Thanksgiving. A time we pause and think of all that we have been given. This year, I think of all that I have lost as well. Thinking about the things lost isn't bad when it is wrapped in the very presence of the King. The loss is a reality. But so is the presence of Christ through it all. That acknowledgment brings about such thankfulness in my soul. 

As I stand up slowly from the porch and lift my face to the sun and feel the warmth of it caress my wounded heart, I am able to lift up hands that are weary as well and praise God in the midst of deep heartbreak. Gratitude floods over me in gentle waves even as tears fall down my face. I take a deep breath again...and I lean into the strength that Christ offers me through a Cross that is blood-soaked and stained with the burdens of His daughters and sons. That Cross leads my eyes to look to the tomb where He was laid silent and cold and I think of the pain I felt when I picked out a place to lay my Kari. I let those emotions come and I take another deep breath...slow and deep. I think of that tomb where Christ was laid and I look up to Heaven where I know He reigns eternal. I think of the empty tomb and the risen Savior and thankfulness crashes over me as I sink down to my knees. 

It took His death to defeat the death of my daughter. It took the death of my Savior to give life to my Kari without any pain and any grief. I see the clouds pass by in the sky, taking different shapes as they blow across my hurting heart, and peace comes. A peace that my Kari girl has not had a single seizure since she stepped onto a street made of gold. She has not struggled with fears or anxiety even once. She has not wrestled against the mental illness that she fought hard on a daily basis. A calmness comes over me as I think of her dancing and giggling her infectious giggle and a smile breaks out across my face. My momma's heart rejoices with my baby girl and I whisper to her, "Happy Thanksgiving Kari". 

True Thanksgiving comes from a broken and contrite heart that sees the beauty of the heart of Christ. 

When He gives.

When He takes.

So this Thanksgiving, my prayer for all of you is that you will not just "count your blessings" but that you will take time to pause long enough to look at some of the hardest parts of your story, the parts that brought you to your knees...and You will see a strand of beauty rising from that pain. You will see the presence of Christ woven throughout those parts of your story...steady and strong. The Rock that has gotten you through the deepest of shatterings. 

Ladder of life

 I recently was asked to write a paper on where I feel like I am in life. It showed a picture of a ladder and the assignment was to look at the ladder and then write the paper on where I felt like I was at on that ladder in achieving and reaching the goals I have set for myself from when I was a child to now. 

Well, now that is quite a complex question, isn't it?! Because life is an ever-flowing flood of grace and sorrow wrapped in many different emotions. It did give me pause though and offered me an opportunity to take that step back and think about goals I had set for myself as a child and the journey of life that has brought me to where I am at today. Life gives us so many opportunities to learn and grow, reaching into parts of our hearts that we may wall off at times but then slowly feel safe enough to pause long enough to pull them out ever so gently and look at the moments that took from us, taught us, gave to us and ultimately helped shape us. 

When I think of where I am at right now, I have many emotions flood over me. I am in a spot that is very different from where I imagined I would be and yet...I am in a beautiful spot. I wear many scars that once use to look old and ugly and they were full of pain for me, but God has a way of showing us beauty in pain and that is especially true within our own hearts. So as I began to be brave enough to look at old dreams, new goals, and the faithfulness of and love of Christ through it all, I began to feel so humbled at the beautiful life I have been given to live. 

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of one thing...to be a wife and a mom. I became just that. I spent 20 years being a wife and I have the honor of being a mom to six girls that have changed my world in so many ways. I have been a foster mom to over 36 babies and they have all captured my heart and I still pray for each of them by name to this day. I was well on my way up that ladder of success the world talks about. I was active in the foster/adoptive community, leading small groups in the recovery ministry, and homeschooling my girls. I loved being a wife and a mom....but then the shattering happened. 

I became divorced. 

I had to go to work outside the home full time.

I could no longer homeschool.

Finances were nonexistent. 

My daughters were struggling and I was struggling. 

Mental health became a real concern as my daughter with special needs began to spiral and hard choices were having to be made.

I didn't just get knocked down a rung or two on the ladder...I was thrown off and into a pit that had been dug below the ladder that I never even realized was there. I was deep in pain and completely broken. I had moved into survival mode and wasn't even sure I would be able to do that on most days. And yet...God was there. Deep in that pit I sat, broken, wounded, and bleeding raw. Feeling forgotten, thrown away, and without purpose. I was lost. I thought many dark thoughts as hopelessness poured into me day after day. Everything I had prayed for was gone. Everything I had thought I was called to do as my purpose was no longer there. I was faced with more challenges than would fit on this blog and they overwhelmed my soul to complete despair. 

I knew to do only one thing. 

Cling to my anchor. 

Although I couldn't see Christ and I couldn't feel Him...I could hear Him. He continued to sing over me and through His Word I was able to hear His voice speaking strength into me. Each day I would lay in that bed and pray for the strength to make it through, for healing to come to my daughter's broken hearts, and for us to remember what joy tasted like.

 I would close my eyes and picture myself on a cliff. I would look down into the darkest waters of turmoil I was walking through and I would feel the rush of pain with each wave as it crashed into my heart. I would take a deep breath. I would envision Christ, strong and steady behind me. I would think about God being a rock behind my back. I would sink myself into the image of Christ and I would see the Word of God as a huge strong tree with roots deep and one of those roots was wrapped around me and connected into my heart, pumping lifeblood into my hurting soul. I would take another deep breath. I would sink back against His Word, steady and strong and true. I would repeat it out loud and often. I made a decision to believe what the Word of God said about me instead of my broken heart. No matter how crazy the waves got or how high they came up the cliff they could not overtake me as long as I stayed rooted to His Word. 

Day by day went by and the simply beautiful became a part of our everyday life. Each day we lived grateful and humble for the life that God was giving us. It was a very different life than what we had imagined but new adventures can always seem scary at first. If you commit to seeing the beautiful, it has a way of finding you. As far as the ladder goes...I have decided that I want nothing to do with the man-made ladder. Instead, I want to be deeply rooted in the tree so that I am just an extension of it. A branch that is able to grow beautiful fruit that can provide hope to others in the midst of dark pain. 

I believe now that pain and sorrow surrendered to hope create fruit that is different than other fruit that has never experienced pain and never surrendered to hope. Pain can create fruit that is bitter to others but pain surrendered to hope is a fruit that draws close to the pain of others and offers to just sit there with them...and in the sitting with others, healing comes. It is something beautiful to no longer afraid of pain, sorrow, or grief. It becomes the ability to stare straight into another person's hurting heart and remind them of the One who never stops singing over them. 

So about that ladder...well...it is just a part of my past now. Something I learned from and grew from but no longer has a place in my life. I may not be "successful" according to the world, but I love my new beautiful. I love that each day there is another part of God's heart that I get to learn about. Each day I get to walk with others who hurt, question, wrestle and stumble as they come to find the beautiful in their journey as well. Life is about adventure and seeking. My favorite verse has been Jeremiah 29:13 for many, many years and I always hear adventure and beauty in it. It says, "And you will seek m and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Our heart holds many things...wonder, pain, grief, joy, laughter, questions...and when we seek God in each of those things, we find Him. Without fail, you will find Him. 

It's not going to look like what you thought it would and it will require bravery that you may not think you have. It may take more out of you than you think you can give but remember that surrendered pain brings forth unparalleled beauty that boldly and gratefully shows the scars they bear knowing that those scars hold the song of hope woven into each one of them. 

Holy Grief

 

                                            Holy Grief

Such beautiful and powerful words to me. I sit here thinking on these things and wonder how can this love be? The depth of this kind of love requires so much grief....the giving of one's child. It is not lost on me that my King knows my pain....the deep gut wrenching difficult to explain kind of pain that comes from the loss of a child. 

Romans 5:8, "God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us." 

I keep reading these words over and over again....because I am finding there is a holy grief that comes with the beauty of our salvation. I'm just starting to discover what this means for me....what it means for all of us and what it has meant all along and we didn't even know it. 

Imagine for just a moment that the world around you is covered in fog and you are trying to walk down an old country dirt road that you have never walked before. The road is unfamiliar even though you have been on other country roads such as this one....but this one has turns, rough patches, stones and rocks in the path, and  holes that dip randomly in the middle of the road. Other parts of the road are soft and easy to walk on but because the fog is so thick that you can't see anything around you even though you know that it is there. At times, the fog will lift and you will see the road in front of you. You may see a hole that you can walk around or a flower on the side of the road that you want to stop and stare at for a moment. At other times, the fog is so thick that all you can do is blindly keep moving in front of you hoping that the road will be there when you take your next step. At times, you stumble and fall, tripping over stones or logs laying in the road...and other times when the fog falls thick upon you, it can result in you falling into one of the holes in the road. Some of them are easy to climb out of but others are much deeper and require a lot of strength and creativity to get you out of them. 

This is grief.

I have wrestled with God on how to walk through grief WHILE worshiping Him. 

Here is what I am learning.

Grief is a holy thing at times....if we let it be. It can heal and draw us close to the heart of Christ even as it strips us of dreams and plans we had.  Holy grief is a sanctification of grief. It turns the very essence of grief that threatens to destroy us into a drawing close of the Father's heart, revealing an intimacy with our King that comes with shared grief. 

I still wrestle with the words, " passed away....or died." I try and say them but they still get stuck in my throat and when they come out they are usually wrapped in tears. I prefer to say, "went home"....because to me that is truth. My daughter went home on January 14th, 2020 and it still amazes me the amount of fog that immediately came in that moment. I was shrouded in heavy thick fog and felt it difficult to breathe in. The air around me felt thick and I felt it was unfair that I was allowed to breathe it when my daughter was not. Every breath hurt at first....and every breath was a reminder of my daughter who wasn't here and I hated that. 

I found myself wrestling with these deep feelings of joy and grief....I suppose that one would wonder how there could ever even be joy when it comes to the death of a child. As a believer I know that my daughter is in Heaven. I know this to be true as deeply as I know the sun will rise and set each day. I know that my daughter knew Jesus as her Lord and King and I know that in that exact moment that she went from this world to Heaven, she was instantly healthy, active, and full of joy. So yes....I rejoice that she is there and getting to talk to Moses, Esther, and Nebuchadnezzar. I rejoice that she has felt the physical arms of Jesus around her and breathed in the very scent of Christ and that she has looked into the eyes of God and seen what color they are. I rejoice that she knows so much more than I do right now and that she will love to share everything with me when I go home....I rejoice in these things....and I grieve these things.

I grieve because her and I were going to live out our lives together in our little country home on our little country road. I grieve because she had worked so hard and had come so far and I grieve because I feel like she had so much life ahead of her still! I grieve because I miss her. I grieve because each day that goes by I am expected to move forward without her and I hate that. And in the grief I find myself desperately searching the Scriptures to know if God understands....because so often it feels like no one can know this pain. The grief can be isolating and lonely. 

Walking through the death of my daughter as a single mom is deeply lonely. Many times I find myself holding it together and being strong for my daughters during the day only to lose myself in tears at night and all you want is someone to sit with you and walk through it with you. The grief brings up pain and anger that I long ago thought had been dealt with....anger that I am a single mom. Anger that I didn't get to spend more moments with her because I was working. Pain that I missed even one moment with her. Anger that her heart was broken by things I couldn't control. Pain that she walked through so much hurt, abandonment and grief when all I wanted for her to have was beauty, security and a stable family. These things seem to come to me at night with such intensity that I am brought to my knees many nights asking God to show me how I am suppose to do this. 

One night as I sat in my war room wrapped in my favorite flannel blanket, I just cried. I couldn't stop no matter what I did. I just wept. And I cried out to God during this time....cried all the pain and hurt and I grabbed my pen and started writing, "How could you?" "Why did you?" "What did this serve?" "Forgive me" "I'm so sorry that I can't rejoice in this the way You need me too"....I just poured out all my thoughts and questions because I know for sure and certain that God is big enough to handle my pain. I wept and grieved all the things that I thought were unfair. I cried that whole night and then I heard the whisper of the Holy Spirit that spoke such gentle words to me, "Your grief is holy. I too know holy grief. You are not alone." And I knew it to be true. I sat there on my knees in that little closet wrapped in a flannel blanket and just let those words flow over me. 

God has carried me through every really tough time and I have learned to throw myself into His Word because without it....I simply can't. Can't...anything. I need His Word. I need the strength that comes from His Word. I need the hope that comes from His Word. So when God directed me first to John 3:16, then to Romans 5:8. and I began to see that God knows what it is like to pour Himself out and still be abandoned. He knows what it is like to have a broken heart. He knows what it is like to watch His child hurt and cry and feel angry that anyone caused them pain. He knows the very real human emotion that I feel and He isn't afraid of it. 

I don't think we fully can understand the great depth of love He has for us. Because if we did, I don't know that we would ever get off of our knees in worship. The love I feel towards my daughter is deep and unwavering...and I can promise you that I would not give her up for the world to be saved. That kind of love is beyond me right now....it amazes me and I praise His name for it but I cannot replicate it and honestly do not want too. I want my girls to stay with me. I want to die before them. I don't want the world to hurt them or make them feel sad. God gave up His Son that WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS Christ died for us....STILL SINNERS. So WHILE we were caught up in our own selfish ways, He loved us. He longed for us to know His heart. That love was so deep that He willingly laid down His life for us....knowing fully our imperfections and hot messes that we would be. 

He knows my grief. More than anyone else. He knows the ache of being separated from your child. He knows the longing that is so intense at times because you just want to see her. He knows.

So yes, grief can be holy. This grief has once again brought to light that I am in desperate need of a Savior. It has shown me once again that in my weakest moments He will be my strength. As we enter into Holy Week for Easter, I am drawn to my knees more often than not. This Easter is different for me. I have been a believer for over 30 years now but I think I am just now getting a truer understanding of just what God gave up for us on that cross. I am just now drawing close to the intimacy of grief that came from the Cross...from death....that resulted in abundant eternal joy for Kari. I know I will step into this Holy Week very different this year and as the grief and joy flow mingled together within in my own heart, I will draw close to the heart of my King knowing that Kari is celebrating her very first Easter celebration in Heaven next to angels in holy worship of Christ and it will bring me comfort as I walk this holy grief out.

A beautifully simple life

 

I had a wonderful mentor many years ago explain to me what it meant to be an INFJ. I was so intrigued back then because it finally put somethings in my life in perspective and it helped me make sense of things I had struggled with because I didn't know how to explain it. As a teen I was so insecure and shy and always preferred to be outside with the animals or sitting in a deep conversation with someone rather than the "normal" teen stuff.

But as I have grown I have learned that this is just how God made me. I have grown to love those parts of myself that can make me seem weird to people :) God creates us each so wonderfully and with such precision. It always astounds me. Each of us have been given a mighty and magnificent purpose and some of us may live ours out in a quiet and gentle way....and that's ok.

Today while out riding horses with my daughter, I loved the conversation we had about how kindness really is a super power and that being kind and gentle in a hard and ugly world requires a strength that not everyone has naturally but when we surrender our lives to the Holy Spirit, He is able to do supernatural work and empower us to walk really hard situations out with grace.

My heart is happy that I am no longer embarrassed or afraid of who I am. It only took 41 years....but hey.....I'm a work in progress! I'm grateful that I can walk confidently in Christ and know who I am in Him. It completely changes everything. No longer do we look for acceptance from others or things. We simply live out brave by His power. For me to learn this, there had to be a stripping of myself. A stripping away of all that I had wrapped up my identity in. Personally that was incredibly painful and something I resisted even as I knew I would grow from it. For all of my adult life had been wrapped up in being a mom and a wife and in the stripping of those things I was left with a burning question deep within me....WHO AM I? What is my value?

I clung to the Word of God as a lifeline that would either see me through or take me home because the process was so painful. Long before the shattering happened though, God was equipping me as an INFJ and He had already put inside of me a deep desire to stand firm on His Word.

As I have spent the last few years getting to know me again, I'm glad that I am different. I'm happy that God continues to remind me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that my purpose never wavered or disappeared although my spirit wrestled with it for sure.

Now I am loving my simple and beautiful life. I am confident in who I am in Christ and in His power in me. I'm confident that God put me together just as He wanted me to be. I'm confident that although I still have much to learn, that in and of itself is a beautiful adventure!

Simple. Raw. Real. Authentic.

It really is a beautiful place to be.

The Lines We Draw

We all draw lines in the sand. Those things that we believe deeply in and for and that we will not budge on. These are the things that make up our belief system. We all have them. Even as children we have these lines and we want them to be respected and even more importantly, we want them to be understood. 

 Sometimes I wonder why each of us decide to draw the line in the sand where we do. 

Every line that is drawn should be something that we believe deeply in the core of who we are. Our lines should point back to what we believe and how we live that out.

So that makes me very careful about my lines. It makes me very aware of my lines. Because my lines and your lines matter. They matter a great deal and they direct each of us in many ways. They also reflect our heart and what we believe in. 

I think we need to make sure and take time to evaluate the line we are drawing.

I usually have one question I ask myself when I am about to draw a line. Here it is," Does it stop me from sharing the Gospel?"

If the answer is yes....then I simply MUST draw the line. 

If the answer is no....I need to pause. Evaluate. Then make a decision that best supports the Gospel being spread.

It feels like many of us have forgotten that is the goal. 

Instead we join right in with the loud gonging that is so very loud in our world today, and instead of bringing peace, we bring pain and hurt as we demand that our way is heard. We scream virtually at strangers and friends both because their line is different than ours.

There is a Scripture that is overlooked more often than not with believers. It is Romans 12:18. It says that if we can live at peace with men....to do so. 

Be careful which sword you die by....and where you draw your line.

We are arguing about so many things that we simply do not have to be arguing about. We are making post on our social media pages that are harsh, judgmental and even cruel. We mock people's pain, ignore people's trauma, make fun of a person's struggle, and  refuse to acknowledge an opinion that would defer from ours because we quite honestly walk around arrogantly thinking we are right. 

So let me ask you again....

Does it prevent you from sharing the Gospel?

I teach my girls to make a stand.

I teach them to know what they believe and be able to defend that belief system by knowing WHY they believe that way.

I teach them to be bold and brave.

However.....I also teach them to make a difference by quietly going about each of their days with kindness, love, a listening ear, and a brave heart. 

They do not need the world to agree with them to live out what they believe.

They do not need to be right in every conversation.

They do not need to surround themselves with people who only think like they think.

They DO need to learn how to handle conflict with grace.

They DO need to know how to articulate their beliefs without having to curse, scream, or belittle. 

They DO need to learn how to see past an action and into the root of why....oh if we all could do this!

They DO need to learn when and where to draw a line. 

They DO need to learn how to live out Romans 12:18.

So my dear friends....let's go and be brave enough to be kind and to live at peace with all men if possible for us to do so. 

And when we draw our line, I pray it is drawn because of love. 

And then it was final.

I have often thought over the years on how I would write this post if I had to write it. 

It still is a difficult post to write but one that needs to be written. 

We need to be having conversations about hard things and unfortunately, divorce is one of them.

A little peek into the back story: I married what I believed to be my dream man on Nov. 4th, 2000. We began building our marriage on a foundation of Christ and each other....or so I thought. We packed a lot of hard things in a small amount of years and we were both very young, but we had many, many, many fun adventures and beautiful moments. I had the beautiful opportunity to be a stay at home mom and I fully delighted in being a mom and a wife. I have always felt things deeply and being a mom and a wife would leave me in grateful tears so many times. 

Each day was full of choices and slowly....ever so slowly....the choices that my husband made and the choices that I made did not align with each other anymore. Our marriage became a place of great sadness for me. It seemed like there was always another broken promise or another broken dream and I just cried a lot. I reached out to his parents and my parents and the church....desperately seeking help because honestly, I just loved him. Eventually the struggles got even more significant and he went to rehab. My daughters and I believed with all of our hearts that this would be the thing that God would use to bring him back to us. And for awhile, we thought it did....

However, we always have free will and free choices. It is one of the most beautiful things about being a human....the right to choose. But with those rights come a great responsibility and ownership of our choices. We get to make them but sometimes the consequences of them are not just ours but instead are shared by our family. During the time that my husband was in rehab, our entire family was learning about recovery and I was learning a lot about what I had accepted as "normal" and what I had accepted as "ok" even though I knew it didn't sit well with my spirit. Over the years, I had learned to constantly doubt myself. I lived in a forever state of questioning myself....did I really hear that? Is that what I really saw? Was I being stupid and selfish for asking for that? Was I being dumb for expecting faithfulness? I was constantly told that I didn't see or hear what I knew I did and that I never understood what was really going on because I just didn't get it....I didn't realize it then, but I had lived in a state of being gas lighted and manipulated for years. 

I didn't realize it then but looking back I think that the rehab wasn't actually for my husband but it was for my daughters and I. It was for us to have our eyes opened and stop enabling and start speaking up for ourselves and for truth. We needed to be educated on it because I know that if I had not have been educated on what was going on, I would have stayed....even though chronic infidelity and abuse was going on. I would have stayed because that is what I was taught to do. I thought that was what God wanted me to do. I didn't feel like I was worth anything more than how I was being treated. 

This is why this conversation needs to happen. Because even today we are teaching things to our children and we may not be aware that we are inadvertently teaching them to tolerate and accept abuse. My parents never taught me to accept abuse, they taught me to never give up on a marriage. So when I was in a marriage that kept crossing the lines, I didn't have the right tools to help me navigate through it. My church never taught me that abuse is ok, but it did teach me that divorce is wrong. I love Jesus and have always tried to honor Him with my whole life, so this meant in my mind that getting a divorce would mean that I was being disobedient to Christ. I cannot adequately express how much turmoil this put me in!! I wrestled with it day and night and was so torn.

Thankfully God had put some amazing counselors and mentors in our lives and they were able to help me navigate through first separation and then up to this point today...the finalization of the divorce. I did not want a divorce at first because I wanted my husband to see value in me and the girls and want to stay with us and be in love with just me....no other women....but that was what I dreamed of, not what I had. I am so grateful for counselors that taught me how to see my reality for what it was and not what I dreamed it would be. I wanted my husband to be someone he chose not to be and I could not take that choice away from him. 

I tend to see good in most everyone. Because of how I was raised, I was taught to see the story behind the actions and I always believed that God had called my husband to be a great man. I saw true value in his story...even the hard parts that broke my heart. I knew that God could take all that and turn it into a powerful testimony for His glory!! I still believe that about my now ex husband. I believe that God can take all of us, mess and all, when we simply repent and surrender our mess to Him and He can bring beauty from any ash.  But again, we cannot take away a persons right to choose. If someone does not want to be faithful, no one can force them to do so. It comes from their character....the integrity that is either in them or not.  I want my girls to believe in miracles and redemption even as I want them to believe in God's Word as the final authority in their lives. 

I have learned so many things, some of them have broken my heart, and some of them have opened my heart, but all of them have been used by God to teach me more about His heart and the way He sees me. I learned how to set boundaries up and not be afraid to protect myself or my girls. I learned to trust my intuition again that is God given! I learned to surround myself with people who speak truth to my heart and who are not afraid to stand up for wrong behavior. 

Sitting here thinking about the last four years I am simply flooded with emotion! Thankfully I feel I have worked through so much of my pain and that now I am just looking forward to the future. My life detoured in such a drastic way and it nearly took the life right out of me. But when we cry out to God, He always hears us. He never once has left me alone and in my darkest moments that were full of so much pain and agony, He was there and His Word ministered to my heart in supernatural ways. 

I recently had a friend ask me if I still believed in love. ABSOLUTELY!! I want my daughters to believe in love and romance and beauty. I want them to know that there ARE men of honor who value their family and their wives and that God longs for them to have that as well. I also want my girls to know what to do if the person they married ever starts to abuse them. I want them to know when to fight for the marriage and when to let God do the fighting for them. I want them to know their value and worth and NEVER stay in a relationship that is abusive or harmful to them physically, emotionally, spiritually or mentally. I want them to learn how to stand firm on what is right and never be afraid to stand on their boundaries. I want them to know that being in alignment with God's Word is vital and that it is NOT wrong to hold people accountable for their actions as long as you also understand that they have the right to choose who they serve....and so do you. 

I am sad that my dream was broken, even as I am full of gratefulness for God giving me new dreams. Divorce was NEVER part of my dream and has taken me a long time to accept that it is now forever a part of my story. The redemption of my marriage that I prayed for was not to be and once I accepted that I started understanding more about God's love for us. He offers redemption to everyone, but not everyone will accept it and they have the right to choose.

So as my next chapter begins, I know to do this one thing. Love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind and soul. Draw so close to Him every single day. Keep my eyes looking up. When I start to get really depressed ( yes, it still does happen at times), put on a worship song and go for a drive with the windows rolled down, or go into my war room and simply get on my knees and have a good cry. BE REAL. I refuse to pretend anymore. I did for so many years and I will never go back to that!!  Sometimes people say I am "to real"....nope. It is when we share our struggles, our victories, and our weaknesses that we see God's strength in us. 

The JOY of the Lord is my STRENGTH. I take this verse very literal and it has proven true for me. His joy becomes my strength, Praise God! Every time I have had to figure out life when I had NO CLUE what to do, I choose His joy and it became my strength and still to this day is the strength that gets me through each day. I still believe in miracles and marriage! I don't ever see myself remarrying because lets face it...my life is CRAZY and it would take an exceptional man to fall in love with all of our craziness! For those of you who thought my standards were high before....they have only gotten stronger!  I have these beautiful daughters watching me and learning from me and I want to teach them well. The good news is that contrary to what I believed for so long, I CAN have dreams and goals and I CAN make a difference in this world even if I am not married. Jeremiah 29:13 is one of my all time favorite verses and it says, " You will seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all your heart." So that is what I plan to do....with all my heart. 

The result of a dangerous prayer.

There is a sermon series out by Craig Groeschel called," Dangerous Prayers."

I have been listening to it and God has given me a desire to share some things on this subject.

I have prayed these dangerous prayers since I was about 12 years old. I have a journal full of my young handwriting asking God to Create in me a pure heart and to renew a right spirit within me. I have poured out my heart to God and year after year asked Him to break my heart and to help me see sin and his people the way that He does. I have asked him to keep me soft in a hard world and to help me be brave enough to be different from everyone else in this world. 

I was a foolish and young child. 

I did not know what I was praying....because God heard my prayers and He has answered them...and it has been the most uncomfortable and difficult thing that I have ever walked through.

When we pray these prayers, are we willing to walk them out?

When I prayed for God to break my heart....was I willing to follow Him in complete surrender after He did?

Craig said something powerful in one of those sermons," What if God's greatest blessings come from God's greatest breakings."....and my heart knows just what he meant.

When I was a child, I prayed this prayer because I loved my King and I longed to be as close to His heart as I could get and His Word told me that He was close to the broken hearted....so out of that innocence....I prayed for God to break my heart. To take me out of my comfort zone and not allow me to live with blinders on to the pain of this world. But I didn't have a clue as to what that was going to cost me.

God began this breaking in me even as a child....my parents were foster parents and I saw child after child come and go from our home and my heart would attach to them as siblings, just to see them leave time after time. BUT GOD WAS PREPARING ME.

I saw some of my family struggle with divorce and addictions and it broke my young heart....BUT GOD WAS PREPARING ME.

I saw mental illness in some of my best friends and dearest family members and would cry all night sometimes, asking God to heal them....BUT GOD WAS PREPARING ME.

I went on mission trips with my youth group and saw families struggling to have food, clothes, and basic necessities of life and still to this day pray for some of these families that touched my heart so deeply....BUT GOD WAS PREPARING ME.

I saw people walk away from their faith....some of my friends and some people from church who I loved dearly... and I cried and cried....BUT GOD WAS PREPARING ME.

so my heart broke....

and I thanked God for it...

because even though it hurt so bad, He also gave me deep compassion for each of these situations and He drew me closer to His heart and He deepened my faith little bit by little bit.

Then I met my husband and I just knew that together He and I would be walking life together and God would use us to make a difference....never thinking for a minute that God would break my heart through my marriage. But He did.

My husband struggled with his own brokenness and that brokenness ultimately lead to the brokenness of our family. 

We fostered for years and my heart broke with the stories that came through the hearts of the children and again as often times they went right back into the abusive situation. 

When mental illness began to wreck our world and my daughters world...I WRESTLED AND ARGUED WITH GOD RELENTLESSLY! I begged Him for healing and prayed dangerous and bold prayers for her healing....but it didn't come the way I desired for it to come....instead...my heart broke again.

And then our whole family became focused on rehabs and addiction education as my husband struggled with these things...and I BELIEVED THAT GOD WAS GOING TO HEAL MY HUSBAND AND MY MARRIAGE. I believed it with every core of my body. I was still deeply in love with my husband and even though I was struggling to understand the why of what he was doing, I never doubted the power of God's healing in his life....then he left. 

I call it the Shattering.

It was WAY deeper than a broken heart. It was a shattering of my spirit and my faith....and to be honest I didn't know if I would make it....but as I lay there on that floor day after day, crying until I couldn't breathe....and WRESTLING WITH WHY GOD DIDN'T ANSWER MY PRAYER....AND WHAT I DID WRONG TO MAKE MY HUSBAND LEAVE....AND WHY I WAS SUCH A LOSER THAT I WASN'T WORTH FIGHTING FOR OR LOVING ANYMORE....I wrestled with why my prayers didn't matter to God....and it left me shattered.

So what do you do when you are shattered....all I could do was cry out to God and read His Word. I knew deep in me, that if I didn't cling to Him with everything that I had left....I would not make it through this. The grief was to deep and the sadness so thick that I would pray and ask God to take me home each night or give me the strength for each day....because I just couldn't do it. 

And slowly....so so slowly....God began to show me that HE HAD BEEN PREPARING ME FOR THIS ALL ALONG. 

I didn't like that. I struggled with that. I wasn't ok with it....but I have learned through all those years ago, that my God was faithful!  That my God was real. That my God would never lie to me....and so if His Word said it, then it was true. The Word of God had become a rock in my life by this point. 

But you know what else came with the shattering?

Compassion. Empathy. Boundaries. Genuine love.

Praying dangerous prayers is costly.

It will require more out of you than you can give....but that is where the power of the Holy Spirit comes in. His strength fills your heart with joy and love. 

I have become closely acquainted with grief, sadness, and deep sorrow. 

But I have also become closely acquainted with joy, new beginnings, and a song that God sings over my daughters and I. It is a beautiful song and it brings us joy even in the midst of such pain. His joy is a soothing balm to my heart and I am finding more and more joy in the simple beauty of God's faithfulness to us. It blows me away that He is so gracious and loves us so much!

So my friends....BE BRAVE! PRAY THOSE DANGEROUS PRAYERS!....But know that God hears those prayers because He loves listening to us. Those prayers come with a cost....weigh it out. Talk to God about it...and then I encourage you to bow your head, humble your heart, bend your knee....and pray BIG AND BOLD DANGEROUS PRAYERS.

I have a choice every day to live my life comfortable and "safe".....or to throw myself into the arms of Jesus and trust His Word. It is crazy. It doesn't make sense. But it is how I choose to live. You have that choice too....and I cannot challenge you enough to pray dangerous prayers.

Right now our world needs beautiful hearts ready to stand unafraid in the presence of evil and pray big and bold prayers because WE KNOW WHO WE SERVE!
GREAT IS THE LORD AND WORTHY TO BE PRAISED!...even in the broken. Even in the hard. Even in the unfair. And I pray for my own life....that I will NEVER shy away from dangerous prayers!