Writing has always been an outlet for me. Words have always held a secret fascination for me as well....the way words can evoke deep emotion out of us, whether it be extreme joy or deep sorrow. The way words can weave a story and draw us into the story that we can almost believe it's real....the way words can make us actually feel anothers pain or joy....The way words can make someone completely lose track of time...There is just something about words...They are powerful. They are intense. They are amazing! My pastor recently told me that there is much power in the written word and reminded me that God gave us His written Word. It is alive and it is extremely powerful!
I am seeing how God's Word is tied to my faith. Reading His Word does something to my spirit....it stirs it within me and I have wondered why. It may seem so simply to some but I am just now figuring out why. I am just now seeing how the Holy Spirit that lives in me longs for the Words of God. When I read the Words that God gave us, I feel a great kinship with the ones I am reading about. Whether it is about Ruth and Boaz, David and King Saul, or the disciples and their stories. I am just drawn in by how they lived their lives, how they doubted, trusted, walked in faith...and we get to read about it all! And I want to be like them.
I want to live each moment of my life for Jesus...no matter what I have to walk through. I want to get to the point where I can praise His name and trust His heart no matter how bleak it may appear in my eyes. I want to walk in complete surrender not just daily, but moment by moment...I want to walk with peace in my heart and strength in my eyes because they are fixed on Him.
As I walk this road with JT and Kari and just life....I want to walk it in faith. True faith. Not just the kind where I say I believe but have no action to back it....instead I want my life to be a representation of God's provision, His mercy and grace, His joy and peace, His sorrow, and His unconditional love. I want to walk each moment with no fear but to take each step with strength...not because of me...but because of the strength IN me through Christ.
He is showing me that so many times I do not walk in that faith. I say I believe, but then things get scary....bills come in with no money to pay for them, I have to have hard conversations with my husband, I have to face my fears with my daughter, I have to believe Him....and that is actually alot harder than it sounds!
See....if we were to truly believe Him for what He says then we would never fear the bill collectors, or the hard conversations with our loved ones or any of the other things we "stress" and "worry" about in life. We would be confident in the knowledge that our Father would never leave us destitute...no matter how bad it looks. He would never leave us alone to face things we fear. He has ALREADY provided the Holy Spirit IN US to walk in that complete and beautiful faith. Oh my friends....doesn't your heart just long for that?! I do.
I get so frustrated with myself sometimes because I still let that doubt creep in. I let fear stop me from leaping into my Father's arms...or from taking that first step out of the boat and onto the water. Here is something that God keeps reminding me of...We as children of the MOST HIGH KING have GREAT PURPOSE! We have been given His beautiful words to guide us but He did not just stop there...He gave us a way to personally touch Him through His son Jesus...But He doesn't just stop there....He sent HIS SPIRIT to LIVE IN US....to speak through us, to counsel us, and to be our strength on days when there is none. And that brings me back to faith. Do I believe Him?
I am learning too....when I start to wonder how the girls and I can possibly survive with no income....God provides. When I wonder how gas will get in the car today....God provides. When I feel so alone....God provides. When I fear at night....God provides. He just does. How can I possibly doubt, when I keep seeing His provisions for us?....I pray one day I will have no doubt in my heart when it comes to my Father. He is fighting ahead of us...His angels are not just sitting around in Heaven wishing they had something to do my friends. They are actively engaged in war on our behalf every single day!
It seems to me that as things get scarier in this world, my heart is getting calmer....He does that. He sends that calm into my heart. I am so grateful to this King I serve! How easily it would have been for the King of Kings, the Creator of the Universe to disregard one family that has failed Him over and over! How easily it would have been for Him to see all the sin and turn away....forever. But in His great gentleness....in His great passion for us, He fought for us. He keeps fighting for us....it just leaves me in tears because I know that I am only grasping such a tiny portion of His love! I simply cannot fathom it all!
So tonight, as I write out my heart once again, I pray you will hear it just as though I am speaking with you in the room. Thank you for praying for us. Thank you for following the Holy Spirit when He has urged you to give to our family. Thank you for being our friends even though all the ugliness of our lives is exposed. Thank you so much for walking this journey with us. I believe that great things are coming from this! I believe that God is taking what satan meant for destruction of our family, and God is turning those burnt ashes into beauty. And I even let myself dream again of what is on the other side of this road....a beautiful marriage, children who walk in freedom, a girl who once was so shy she would cry if you talked to her but is now walking with the courage of her lineage....as a royal daughter!
I pray this made sense tonight....my heart is just writing out what it feels tonight because there really is power in words!
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