One of the hardest things for me to trust is is God's Truth about myself. I struggle with being brave enough to just "be" because I always worry I will fail by "being me"....I don't know why this is such a struggle for me but it is. Doubts creep in and old lies start ringing in my ears and my faith seems to shrink in the face of certain things. God's Word tells us that we are to have faith like a mustard seed to move mountains....well let me tell you....at times....my faith seems to be even tinier than that tiny seed. I sit back and wonder how I can struggle with my faith so much when God has proven over and over how faithful He is....and it frustrates me that my faith seems to be so tied up in my "feelings" for the day. I long for something deeper. I long for that faith that Abraham and Noah and David and Esther had....the faith that seemed unwavering....
So I dove into those stories and what I found surprised me. The very people that I had esteemed to such a high place, struggled with their faith. They doubted. They wondered. They questioned. They were a lot like me. They KNEW deep in their hearts that God was the author of the story but they still wondered about the next chapter. They didn't always make the right choice and things didn't always go the way they had hoped. They weren't perfect daughters, mothers, or wives. They had down days and they had up days. There were moments when they were fiercely brave only to hide in the mountains the next day. There were seasons of their lives that were strong and beautiful and seasons that were filled with grief and sorrow or shame and sin. They lived....just like us. They had bills to pay and clothes to buy and children to raise and spouses to honor and life to live....and they lived it. They believed. They sinned. They repented. They cried and they danced. And somehow....God chose their story to become part of His beautiful Word.
It is in the daily LIVING of their lives that I can see how alike we are. It isn't about becoming the "perfect" person who never doubts and never fears.....it is about trusting God THROUGH the doubts. It is about standing strong when your knees or heart is shaking with fear.It is about walking each day in honesty before Christ. It is about me saying to you," I am scared and I have doubts at times that all this can really work out for my good. I don't always say or think or do the right thing. I am not always a good mom or a good wife. I can let myself down and let others down without even meaning to at times." I need to be honest with people. I need to be honest with myself. But I also need you to know that even though I struggle daily....I KNOW I have a King who is in constant pursuit of my heart. I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me speaking to my heart moment by moment. I have a Father who loves me just as I am....messy house, messy children, messy life....and all. He doesn't ask me to work harder at being better. Instead, He changes the very fabric of my heart from the inside out and I become a better mom, wife, daughter because of HIS SPIRIT INSIDE OF ME. If I could ever remember this throughout each moment of each day, I know it would take a lot of pressure off!
My faith may not be what I want it to be right now but it is growing. Each day I am learning more about Jesus and His example, I am learning about the Holy Spirit and how to let HIM live through my every moment each day, and I am still learning a great deal about the loving pursuit of a Creator who longs for intimacy with His creation. And I am learning that I am braver than I think I am because of HIM. I am learning that I don't have to know all the answers to life's tough questions. I don't have to always look put together or pretty. I don't always need to be involved in the next big thing....I can just be me. A daughter who is learning to be brave. A daughter who is learning to trust. A daughter who is not to cool to be truly honest about the struggles of life. A daughter....just like you.
My prayer for you my friend, is that you will not feel pressure to perform but will instead feel freedom to live...truly LIVE.....with the wind in your hair, sun in your face, messy hair everywhere kind of abandon. Because you are created with such uniqueness that the very One who created you, looks on you with rapture and enough joy in His being for you being you...that He sings over you! So be brave my friend....be brave enough to just be....
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