We have talked alot on here about recovery and what it means. We have talked about mental illness and the toll it takes on everyone but right now I am going to share my heart on being in a marriage that is in recovery. I honestly feel that every marriage needs is in recovery because we have all had hurts and pains that have affected our marriage. What is a marriage in recovery? It is pretty simple in my mind....it is a marriage that is open and honest enough to say to each other they need help and they seek that help from others who have walked the journey before them and BEEN SUCCESSFUL;)
A marriage in recovery is hard. It is so much easier to walk away....and there are times that walking away is the appropriate thing to do.....but right now I am just going to write about my marriage and the walk we have chosen of recovery. So here goes with the opening of my heart and exposing for all to see every crack, every tear, and every scar.....but as you read I pray you see every victory written into those scars, every joy celebrated in those tears and every bit of God's faithfulness in those cracks.
My husband has been "in recovery" now for about three years. He has been back in our home for about that same amount of time. We as a family have adopted recovery as part of our every day life now and I pray it will always be that way. We go as a family to our Celebrate Recovery program weekly, we stay involved in our church, we help lead in various things recovery based....and all of that has really helped us with our own personal recovery journey....but when you are dealing with a marriage in recovery it is a whole new ballgame....most of the recovery world will tell you to work your program and stay focused on your sobriety.....but for a marriage to make it in recovery it is about giving of one's self....it no longer becomes about "your" anything and it becomes about two people becoming one. How in the heck does one do this?!
My husband and I have struggled with this so many times!! Even now, three years later, we are still dealing with financial consequences of before recovery and we are still dealing with hurts and insecurities that can be triggered from those old wounds. There will be times when I can't get a hold of my husband because he is in a meeting or just can't get to the phone and in that split second, my mind can imagine all kinds of places he could be and things he could be doing. In a mere second, I am right back to my old way of thinking and I am hurt and scared and my poor husband has NO IDEA what is about to hit him when he calls me back!
My husband struggled with his addictions for all of his adult life so even in recovery, those addictions don't just "disappear." He still struggles at times with relapse in one way or another and I know that struggle is very real. We both have to be very vigilant about our recovery. We both have to put up really healthy boundaries and we both have to be willing to have conversations that are open and honest which means at times, they can hurt.
There are moments when my heart just aches.....it aches for things that cannot be and will never be and it makes me sad. I forget sometimes the blessing of recovery. Being in a marriage in recovery means that you go to counseling together and you prioritize that counseling. It means you continually educate yourself on addictions and relapses and it means you become great seekers....
The boy and girl that got married 16 years ago are very different people than the ones I see in the mirror. When I look at our wedding photos now, it is with a mixture of joy and sadness....joy for what that moment meant to me and sadness for the couple in the picture who had no idea of what lie ahead of them. We are different. What drew us together all those years ago is not what have kept us together all these years. We have walked a road that is ridden with pain and hurt, some scars that go deep into our very marrow....and that is part of walking out a marriage in recovery. "Accepting that hardship is a pathway to peace" as it says in the serenity prayer. It is asking for wisdom to see my husband the way my Heavenly Father does. It is asking for grace that my husband may see me the way Jesus does. It means we fight for our marriage. Every day. We cannot become lazy in our approach or procrastinate in building a strong foundation because if we do, our marriage loses. It is truly that simple. We fight for our marriage or we lose it. It takes a great deal of effort to have a marriage in recovery....but it is worth it.
To me, a marriage in recovery is such a beautiful example of our relationship with Christ. We did so much against Him....and deserved punishment...but instead we were given grace. We were given a covenant that cannot be broken. We cheated, we lied, we deceived, we were unfaithful, we broke His heart.....by our sins. We did so many of the very things that destroy marriages....but He did not divorce us. Instead, He pursued. He determined He would not give up and He gave us a beautiful gift of salvation that would bind us to Him forever like a marriage covenant.So we stand shoulder to shoulder and we fight OUT...not in. We fight the enemy who will try to steal, kill, and destroy our marriage every day....and we stand firm on what God's Word says...this has become a strong foundation....one that we are still learning.
A marriage in recovery means we acknowledge that are going to have bad days. We are going to struggle and fight at times.We still have to make changes as we realize different struggles or triggers. We are going to get upset with each other and we are going to be standing on opposite sides at times. We are going to mess up. This has been the hardest part for me, because let's face it, I am a perfectionist and I struggle with struggling ;) We will not be perfect....and that's ok. We give grace. We talk....alot. Even when it would be easier to just walk away....and when one of us is talking, the other one is listening. Not on their phone, not watching t.v., not checked out....but actually listening with their eyes, their ears, and their body language. This is HUGE. I need to know that my husband is hearing me and that we are communicating. However....I also understand that none of this guarantees that my husband will not relapse....and I think that is the hardest part. HE and only HE is responsible for his recovery and if he doesn't take it serious each and every day, then he is risking relapse. And that is hard. But I cannot control or manipulate him into "being a godly man"....just like he cannot control or manipulate me into forgiving or not relapsing myself into horrible thought processes.
A marriage in recovery does not mean a perfect marriage. We still struggle to communicate, we still get frustrated with each other, and we still have fears. But each day, we surrender our marriage to God. We recognize the importance of reading God's Word together, praying together, talking with other people about our struggles and recognizing that we haven't "arrived" anywhere yet.....recovery is an every day job. It is refusing to live in denial, taking an honest and spiritual inventory with each other, growing in Christ, helping others, and asking God for His help each moment! :)
Marriage is not easy. Addictions are terrible. Life is hard. God is faithful. The Holy Spirit promises strength....and gives it. Beauty CAN come from ashes....and each day I choose to wake up and look to my King as He continues to create beauty out of the ashes of our marriage.
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