I have been sad. A sadness that I have never experienced before had washed over me and I didn't know what to do with it....so I will write about it...for sometimes, when I put thought to paper, it begins to make a little more sense....I guess we will see.
I just celebrated my 38th birthday back in August. By far the hardest one I have ever celebrated. Why? Because a few months ago, I asked my husband to move out....and something happened in my spirit this time....it broke.
We are coming upon 4 months now of my husband living apart from us and the grief has only gotten worse. Tears will pop up in my eyes at any moment and I have had more breakdowns on my bathroom floor then I can even count. I keep wondering why is it so hard this time? My husband has struggled with addictions for all 17 years of our marriage and has relapsed countless times before...so what is different this time?
I feel betrayed by my King. That's what is different. Even writing these words down I realize how crazy they sound. I know He hasn't betrayed me for one second....but it "feels" like He has! Ever since I was six and asked Christ to be my Lord, I have lived only for Him. I have loved serving Him and honoring Him with my choices and my words. I have considered it a joy to be His servant and I have fallen in deep love with His Word....but it has cost me....greatly....and something happened this time in my spirit as it broke....the shattering opened a door to doubt.
I started doubting God's promises. I had been faithful! I had honored His commandments! So why was everything falling apart again? Why were my children falling away? Why was my husband still giving in to the demon of lying and allowing those lies to destroy us? So many doubts....and tears. I was so sad in my heart because of my own doubts and fears and grief. I know what the Bible says about going through difficult times! I am suppose to be praising and counting it all joy! I am suppose to be reflecting to the world that God is still in control and that I am trusting Him to provide for all of my needs....I know these things....but I don't feel them as truth. Because the truth is that my heart is broken. I am broken. Everything seems difficult and even walking around in a store seems impossible. I can't find the joy....no matter how hard I look. My grief is a wall around me and when I try to find the joy.... I start to doubt everything in my life. I doubt my emotions. I doubt my worth. I doubt my value and I doubt my purpose. I doubt my beauty. I doubt my words. I doubt my actions and I doubt my abilities. I doubt everything that is me....I doubt my discernment and I doubt my wisdom. I doubt my prayers....I am full of doubt and that breaks my heart. I know my King! I know His heart and I know His passion for me! I know how much He has given for me....His EVERYTHING. I know He fights for me. I know He speaks on my behalf. I know He avenges me and I know He is faithful to me. SO WHY AM I STRUGGLING? Why can't I wake up and choose joy and smile and sing through each day? Why does it feel like the enemy is winning?! I know the truth! And yet......the grief.
I have prayed and prayed and asked God to reveal to me why this is...what my problem is? This is what I have learned from the Holy Spirit who has revealed these things to my heart:
1. I am grieving sin. I am grieving that the ones I love so dearly are choosing sin over my King. It breaks me. It undoes me. My loved ones have walked away from their calling....their King....and it grieves me unbearably.
2. I am angry at the enemy for deceiving those I love.
3. I am angry at my loved ones who know the truth and yet choose to turn a blind eye and walk away from my Beloved.
4. I am grieving my dreams...what I thought would be. I am sad that my reality is my worst nightmare and I am sad that my children have such pain written into their story already. It makes my heart so very sad for them.
5. I have alot to learn about God's will....the way He pursues good for us when it feels so very wrong. The way He writes pain into my story....for my good and His glory. The enemy didn't write my story....my King did. Jesus allowed my suffering...continues to allow my suffering and my daughters suffering....FOR MY GOOD AND HIS GLORY. I have a very hard time understanding this, much less liking it.
Those are just a few of the things that I have been shown. Things that have peeled back the pain in my heart to let me see the beating underneath....and with each heartbeat there is a learning...a seeking of understanding the heart of God. I may not be able to understand but no matter what....I will praise my King. I am truly on broken knees, shaking and trembling before Him....afraid of what He will allow next...but I will not stop speaking His name....Jesus....Jesus....Jesus. My King and my Redeemer. My Lord and my El-Shaddai, My Yewah and my Jehovah Jeriah.
I don't want people to just always think that because we are "believers", we always choose joy. I am human. I struggle with pain, coveting, depression, and doubt. I wrestle with my theology and what God's Word says at times. I want to runaway at times and I want to go home more often than not. I am human. And it is in that humanness that I am met by the King. I cannot control someone else's lying tongue or fake facade....but I can surrender ALL of my control...my will, my thoughts, my dreams, my plans, my actions, my prayers, my everything....to MY KING.
So I do.
I cry...alot. I fall to my knees and I beg God to do something to change the heart of my loved ones. I stay awake all night many nights praying and begging God to give me the strength I need to stand firm. I lash out at the enemy and bind and gag his minions of demonic spirits that are active in my family. I walk the halls of my home and weep for what the very walls tell. I leave stores sometimes because I am about to have a breakdown and weep for what should be...and isn't. I write in my journal like a madwoman to try and get all the emotions out of me and on paper. I rub my tiny daughter's back and whisper God's anointing over her. I soothe my 12 year old's hair back from her eyes full of tears and pain, and I just listen....and we cry together and we pray together. I go into my 15 year old's room at night at the sound of her heart breaking and her tears falling and I hold her and sing to her. And I pray. How I pray!! It is a constant state of prayers that never end....a constant war being waged in the spiritual....and I surrender. I throw up my hands and I fall on my bathroom floor and I surrender....over and over again. I am human. I am a daughter of the King. The two wage war in my very chest....
I don't know how this story ends. I pray that God will be glorified in my every moment. I pray that when I finally go home, I am welcomed with ," well done, my good and faithful servant." I pray those I meet know they are loved and cherished in my heart. I pray my husband knows that I have always seen what God has called him to be. I pray that my daughter's knows they are wanted and loved by me....but especially by their King. I pray that I have touched a heart and left a light behind....that as my light fades away from this world....I have passed it on to someone else who shines it even brighter. I pray that my children know that all things spiritual exist. The demons and the angels....are here....but they do not force us to make any decisions. Those are ours to own. I pray that there is a scroll in heaven that has my story written in it and that it is a good and faithful story...and that my Father is proud of me. I pray that I will learn to rejoice even in the midst of my shattered heart. I pray I will be authentic and real in being human and that I won't pretend with people that all is well when things aren't well. I pray that I will be brave. I pray I will be kind. I pray I will love and I will keep a soft heart in this cruel world. I pray that I will fearlessly make known the gospel!
Grief is here...for now. But I am promised that it will not always be like this. I am promised that a new day with new mercies is coming. I will stand firm on His promises....because that is all I have. I have given up my entire life with joy to serve my King. I will not turn back because things aren't going the way I think they should. I know my Redeemer lives! I know He is coming back for me and when that day finally gets here....I will be home in Heaven. All of these moments will be but a moment in my eternity which is sealed in glory! And all of this grief is worth every tear and every shattering of my heart when I at last see my beautiful King's eyes....how I long for that moment! I will keep my eyes focused on that moment....the one yet to be but surely coming....the one where at last everything on this journey makes sense and it all comes together with me at His feet....and then...at His table....
I feel the sun....just starting to warm my broken heart. I feel the peace that cannot be explained and I feel the stirrings of joy deep within the shattered pieces....I am learning that in great grief can come great healing and even great joy. That is the beauty of my King. So I trust Him. I trust Him with all of these pieces of my shattered spirit and weary heart and I praise Him! I praise Him for that warmth that is now on my face....and I praise Him for this journey. For without walking all of this, I would have missed a piece of my Father's heart!
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