There once was a girl....a story of gratitude.

My dear friends....I have tried hard to think of a way to put into words all that is in my heart. The gratitude and humility that I have for each of you is so difficult to express....but writing is my best way to try and do it. I don't even know everyone that I am thanking....but if you have been gracious and kind to my girls and I....then this is for you.

There once was a girl.
She was just a simple country girl.
She loved climbing trees and riding horses and reading books.
She was told as far back as she can remember that she had an old soul.
And she was ok with that.
She knew she was a romantic but she just always believed that beauty wins. Love trumps all.

She grew up much quicker than she thought she would, but she had a plan. She was going to get married, have children, and live happily ever after with her husband on a simple country dirt road.

For awhile, her plan went just as she had prayed. She fell in love, married that beloved cowboy of hers, and they quickly began a family through foster care, adoption, and the beauty of birth. It was a beautiful, messy life.....but how she loved it! She stayed at home and took care of her daughters, and cherished being a wife and a mother.

And then one day....everything shattered.

Her heart stopped beating....but the world kept spinning. She couldn't catch her breath so she fell to her knees. And she couldn't get up. Her deepest fears and darkest nightmares had come true....not just for her, but for her daughters as well. They were alone. So her heart shattered and when it did, the pieces cut into her soul and the pain was so great that she did not know if she wanted to survive it.

But remember....this girl was as an old soul....and that soul still beat deep within her chest....ever so slowly....but beating none the less.

In these moments of despair and darkness....her eyes searched the darkness for truth. For a light....
At times, she would catch a glimpse of light....only to have it disappear when she tried to cling to it.
It is then that she realized....she had light inside of her.

The Light with which she desperately searched for....was within her.
So she grabbed the Word of God which revealed that light to her....and she consumed it. She was so very thirsty for its Truth....and she clung to it with her trembling heart and bruised knees.

As the Truth began to invade her heart again....the darkness began to fade.

As the darkness faded....what she saw took her breath away again.

She had never been alone. Not even for one second. She had been surrounded by some of the most beautiful and fiercest souls she could imagine. All that time that she couldn't breath and begged God to be faithful and not leave her....all those moments when she felt so utterly alone and helpless. She had been surrounded by warriors.

Warriors dressed like counselors, teachers, friends, family, pastors, and mentors....but all warriors none the less. And they had been fighting for her and her daughters when she could not do it herself. They had been standing in the gap and keeping the darkness away. Their love for this girl and her daughters crept into the spiritual and fought off the very real darkness trying to consume them. Their love for this simple country girl and her beautiful daughters brought joy back into their hearts. Their love and faithfulness to this simple country girl and her beautiful daughters brought healing and for the first time in months and months....this girl could breath again. And it was one of the most glorious, beautiful breaths she had ever taken.

Months went by and this girl and her daughters began to smile again. This girl wasn't afraid anymore. She had already faced her demons. Those horrible nightmares and fears....she faced them....and it had not destroyed her like she thought it would. In fact....it had empowered her and her daughters. They were not afraid to set boundaries anymore and stand firm on what God says because they now knew without even one doubt that they were not alone. They realized that they too were becoming warriors....or maybe they were realizing that they had been warriors all along and just never knew it.

Then along came a Christmas. That beautiful season of hope and miracles. And this simple girl wasn't sure how it would go but her heart was already so full of gratitude that she truly didn't even worry about it. She was learning that her King was such a good provider and always worked things out in ways that she couldn't even dream of....for He had already provided her and her daughters with an amazing job, a car that they loved, bills paid, and food to eat....so her heart trusted His.

But even her heart could not imagine what He had planned for her and her daughters!

The season of Christmas drew near and with each passing day, a new gift....a blessing....a beautiful peeling back of someone's heart that took time to think of this simple girl and her daughters. Each day was a gift. A surprise and a miracle. Each day this girl and her daughters were awoken with so much love from friends, family, coworkers...on and on....day after day....and their hearts were SO VERY OVERWHELMED with the love.

And something healed within their hearts through that love. They didn't even know when it happened, but it did. Because when God's Word says that," love conquers all." He means it. True, authentic love really does conquer all when you abandon yourself to it. True, authentic love conquers all when you just let go of the hurt and pain, and simply make the choice to look around you and see the beauty. Because the beauty never left....it was always there....even in the midst of the darkness. Just because we can't see the beauty at times, doesn't mean it isn't there....sometimes we just have to trust that it is.
This girl needed to learn that she did not have to do any of this alone. It was ok for her to reach out and let people know that sometimes she just wasn't ok. She needed to learn that she did not need to be perfect. She just needed to learn that it is ok to be real and raw. Always.

This girl and her daughters still have a ways to go in the healing of their soul....but they walk bravely now. With gratitude. With joy. With eyes that see the beauty. With ears that hear the music of the Father's song. And they choose joy.

From the heart of Brandi:
It is so very hard for me to express my gratitude to each one of you. Some of you I may not even know....but you have extravagantly loved my daughters and I and I am so humbled by your love for us. Being in the family of Christ means that we truly are never alone....ever. Last year at this time, I was so confused and hurt....but God never left me. He has and continues to walk with me each and every step of the way. He has used each of you to speak life into me and into my daughters. He continues to use each of you to remind me of the beauty that is always to be found, if I will just seek to find it. And I will.
I pray that God will throw open the doors of Heaven and pour out His blessing and anointing on each of you. I pray that He will fill your hearts with passion and excitement for His will and that each of you will one day see just what an impact you have had on this simple girls life.
I am humbled to be your friend.
I love you.
Thank you so deeply.
Love,
just a simple country girl,
Brandi

Be raw.

I stopped writing.
I couldn't even stand the thought of picking up pencil and putting it to paper....because I was a failure. I had made a stand on marriage. I had made a stand on redemption. I had a made a stand....and failed. How could I write? What could I possibly say that anyone would ever want to read or listen too?
So I stopped writing.
I put my pencil away. I put my journal in a drawer and closed it. I turned and walked away with my shoulders so heavy and I got lost in the pain.
Every breath felt like a fight. I was tortured at every waking moment with thoughts of what if and if only's....and my grief was so thick that I still don't have the words to explain it. I don't think they exist. A brokenness that deep goes beyond words....

I still struggle with some of these very things....but I want to write again. I NEED to write....it is as much a part of me as breathing. I need to share my heart....the raw parts that some people are scared of. The bleeding parts that some people want to run away from or ignore. The parts that are still breathing....I want to share this journey I am on because I am not the only one on this journey. There are many of us...men and women....who are walking this road right beside each other. I don't want to be so caught up in my own pain and hurt that I forget to look over and see you there next to me. We don't have to be alone in this.
We don't have to stay "quiet".
We don't have to "keep it to ourselves".
We don't have to pretend that our world didn't fall apart. It did.
Can we just say that out loud please? Our world DID fall apart and it hurts when that happens.
Maybe your world fell apart with sickness or addictions. Maybe your world fell apart when you were left alone by the one who should have stood by you. Maybe your world fell apart when you lost your job, your home, your family. Maybe your world fell apart with that phone call like mine did. Maybe your world fell part with that diagnosis....that prayer desperately prayed for...only to seem to go unanswered. Every single person reading this can tell me a story of when their world fell apart...I wish you would. I want to hear it. It matters.
When we can say out loud our fears and our pain....it releases something in us. A burden of "holding it all together" is lifted...and instead we can stand there raw and authentic and without fear or shame.
This last year has stripped me raw in every way. It has taken things from me. Things that left deep scars when they were ripped from me....because that wasn't the way it should have been.
Death is not suppose to be a part of our story....but it is.
Sickness is not suppose to be the way a person lives....and dies....but it is for many.
Depression and sadness that won't lift should never be the garment we wear, but for so many, it is....and they wear it in silence. This breaks my heart.
I don't want to be a part of that.
I want you to share your pain. I want you to know that you are heard. And seen. And that your pain matters.
I don't want you to feel ignored or overlooked. I don't want you to think that no one cares....

I haven't known what to write lately because I have been afraid of what others will say. I have felt like a failure. But a failure in what? I'm not even really sure....it was just this overwhelming feeling of not being good enough and of not having any value.
My self-esteem has taken a beating this year. I have never felt uglier, never felt as unworthy, and never felt as despised and unwanted as I have this year. I still do sometimes. I still tend to avoid mirrors and pictures....because even though I know it isn't true, there is that ever present demon whispering to me how I wasn't pretty enough for my husband to stay....how I didn't have enough value to my husband for him to fight for me....and how easily I was traded in. It has changed me. It has left its wounds....but I am grateful that I have the Holy Spirit Himself living within me and He continues to speak truth over me. Truth that I AM beautiful. That I AM worthy. That I DO have value....and that sin is why my husband left. Not because of anything I did or didn't do. It was simply because of a choice my husband made....a choice that put our family and our marriage in grave danger.

I still have a long way to go on understanding truth and not allowing the lies to speak over me. It's hard. At times, I don't think I can do it....but then...I look over....and there you are. Walking this same road. There are my daughters...watching me. Taking their cues about their worth and identity from me....and I have to keep fighting. I have to keep breathing. So I have to be honest. Raw. Authentic. For without that....I am not me at all anymore.

I will share my story. I will share my daughters story. We will walk this road openly and without fear. Please don't look the other way at my pain. Please don't act like my world hasn't fallen apart....or that my daughters hearts have been shattered. Instead....look into our eyes, unafraid of the pain you may see there....and love us. Where we are right now. Don't ask us to "move on" or "let go" one more time.
we will.
we are.
but we are also grieving. Let us grieve. Let us work through this pain....
And just be here.

Because ultimately....I choose joy. I choose to hear the music that God sings over me and I choose to praise His name! He HAS ALREADY written a beautiful song and story out of all of these ashes. I believe that! I truly do!! His Word is FULL of promises that I can hide deep in my heart that are bold and daring prayers of the impossible happening. I still believe in the beauty of music...of dancing...of reading God's Word and being simply blown away by the goodness that HE IS. I believe in hope. I believe in dreaming....and loving people who hurt you. I believe in praying for people that wounded you. I believe in seeing them as God does....hurting and broken...and valuable. He loves them...and so will I.

So tonight....in being raw and authentic....I open my heart to you. Sure, it has some wounds...some may still be bleeding a bit....but look closer my friend....those scars are telling a beautiful story of a faithful and true King who continues to provide, protect and sing over me and my daughters. Those scars are no longer ugly to me...and I won't hide them from you. Let's be raw. Always. Let's be real. Always. Let's not be afraid to share the hard parts of our stories....because it is in the hardest parts of the story that God shows Himself so beautiful and faithful it will leave you breathless!!

How I love living this story He is writing...and how I pray I will glorify Him through every. single. chapter.

The music of tears

           I take a deep breath....and I listen.
          I hear it again....and again. 
It is gentle and soft. I lean in so that I can hear it...this music. This song that comes from my Father's heart straight to mine. I feel this music caress me and I close my eyes and sit back, feeling safe and loved. I can almost see this music at times. It never stops playing but at times it is ever so faint and I catch myself feeling alone and sad when it begins to fade....but there it is again....always there....this song that is being sung over me. 

Music has always been a part of my heart. It is how God created me. I have always felt music in the world around me even as a child. The wind's song....the bird's beautiful chorus...and swelling of the rain and thunder and through it all there has always been this song...I know now that it is my Father's song for me. The one He wrote just for me and the one He sings over me....I didn't always understand that and at times thought I was weird for always hearing the music....but not anymore. I am learning more and more to love this song that He sings...that He plays over me with the sweetest of sounds. I have always heard music in the story of people's lives. As a teen I use to write the music I heard in the stories of those around me and play them on the piano and to this day I have a folder full of the songs I have heard....and I have been thinking a lot about those songs. 

It is proven that the whole earth actually "sings" and that even the stars and galaxies make music to our King. Music is a part of our King...and He shares that with us and within us....and the enemy hates music. That is why he distorts it and threatens the beauty of it with a cheap representation of the songs that God has written within His beautiful and terrifying grace. I have been thinking about that a lot as well....how so many of us walk around and never hear the song that God wrote just for us. How the enemy has filled our heads with so much noise that we can't hear that gentle song...calling out...reaching deep within us...and drawing us closer to the King.

I look around and my heart aches as I watch so many people scurry around, with that desperate look in their eyes...tears pulling their hearts down as they walk in shame and hurt. They don't hear the music of falling tears. The sound of a falling tear to me is one of the most beautiful sounds ever....for those are the collected tears God's Word tells us about and for our tears to be collected, means they have great worth and value. The music of those tears are not lost..which means the moments that created those tears have value.....they are collected by the One who listens to the stars and who takes each of those tears and creates music with them....the song He sings over us. I see my Abba Father....holding each tear so delicately and tenderly...and in each tear is a story and He takes each of those tears and He writes this song and those tears become music....they become our story. I know it may sound strange but think about it for just a moment....you have probably heard the music at some point. Some of you may walk daily with those songs in your heart and strengthening your spirit and some of you may not hear anything at all right now. And that's ok.

Let me share my heart with you for just a minute. I believe that every single person that is walking this earth right now as I write this, has a song. One that God wrote for them and one that is indescribably beautiful....But sin....is loud and it mimics the song of the King, only it can present itself as fun and flashy and full of light...and for many of us, we turn our ear away from the song of Christ and we turn our ear to the song of self. We don't even realize that we have tuned out the very song of the Holy Spirit, because all we can hear at that point is the song of self....which then becomes the song of shame and secrets. Before long, we bear the scars of those songs but don't even know how to make it stop. So we keep hiding, keep our secrets, our pride, and our bondage. 

This year I have walked a very hard road and I have watched those most dear to me, lean into the song of the enemy...that fake and phony misrepresentation of a holy song that was written long before man took His first breath. I have seen the pain etched on their face and I have seen the desperate look in their eye....and they may even believe that God has stopped singing over them or that He never did to begin with....but I also know that my King has NEVER stopped singing. He has never once let a tear fall without collecting it. He has never once let a refrain from the enemy replace His song! He is still singing it....that beautiful song of love, forgiveness, repentance, acceptance and freedom. He will never stop singing it....and at times I can imagine His eyes as He is singing over one of His lost sheep. The passion that makes His voice tremble and the deep rolling sound of a Father who will never give up on His beloved. How I want to be like this! How I want His eyes that see past the actions and into the heart and still pursues. How I want to be a daughter who reflects her Father's song! Even now my Father is writing a song that will leave us all breathless and it is written in the stories of the most broken and "despicable" of people. It is written in the broken hearts of broken children who cry out to their Father and every. single. time.....He is there. 

     The enemy deceives well but one of his greatest deceptions is that the Holy Spirit is not present in the broken and ugly parts of our stories. The enemy has somehow convinced us that in the very darkest and ugliest of our secrets and shame, God turns His back on us in disgust. This goes against the very Word of God! Romans 5:8 gives us a little part of the music that is our song....it is the part where Jesus is WITH US IN OUR DARKEST moments. He has never walked away. He is there....singing His song...and I want to lean into that song. I want to close my eyes and soak that music into the very parts of me that are broken and defeated....and I want to hear the songs of others. I want them to see that they have a song that is beautiful! A love song that is the most exquisite of songs with music that is created by the tears of the prostitute, the brokenness of the addict, the exhaustion of the shamed, and the desperation of those going under. I listen to their stories and I think," How can they not know how beautiful their song is?"

So when I "stay" or "pray on" and some of you ask me why....it is because of the music. It is because I believe in the song that God has written for my husband and my children and those around me. It is because He gives me these beautiful glimpses into the writing of the song, and it leaves me in awe and wonder and fills my heart with hope....even when nothing changes around me. You can't "see" music....but you feel it, hear it, and it changes you....that is a lot like faith. I can't see it, but I have it, stand on it, and believe....and it changes me. I am grateful for the songs of the broken hearts....I am grateful for beautiful ashes of grace....and I am grateful that every time I want to just give up, the music is there....soft at times, barely heard in other moments....but always there. God's Word is music to me. The more I open it, the louder the song gets, and the more I am able to see the enemies song for what it is...a false, empty banging of shame and secrets. 

I don't know what the next verse is in my song or yours. But I absolutely know without any doubt that it has been written by a Father who delights in singing it over us. I absolutely know without a doubt that He will never stop singing it....and I even wonder, and this is my pure opinion and nothing more, but I often wonder if when we each stand before Him, for those of us who never stopped and accepted His song for us...for those of us who rejected His truth....if in that moment He sings their song over them, with His eyes full of tears and compassion, even as they leave to go toward the home they chose to leave in forever, away from the Father....and for all of eternity, they are left to think about that song....

Dear friends....I pray you hear His singing. I pray you lean in and listen....quiet yourself long enough to know the tune that is yours and yours alone! He is there...He is HERE...right now....singing over you. Do you hear it? Take a deep breath....listen....lean in....do you hear?

Saying good-bye...and hello.

This has been the hardest year of my life. It has been full of grief that has went so deep into the very core of my spirit. It has taken away much from me that left me feeling less than a whole person. It has been full of tears, begging, praying, crying out, and standing firm....it has been hard. Really, really hard. I have watched my daughters struggle with questions that I could not answer and I have seen each of them searching....some leaning towards the heart of the Father, some anything but the heart of the Father....and it has been hard.

I have spent this entire year standing firm and believing that God would redeem and restore what the enemy was fighting so hard to destroy. I prayed, fasted, had others pray, believed and waited....and waited...and things just kept getting worse and worse. It began to unravel faster and faster until here I sit...on the last day of the year 2017....and I am ready to say good-bye.

I am ready to say good-bye to dreams that have died. Good-bye to prayers that have changed from praying for restoration to prayers of strength to walk away.  My marriage has been kept on life support for years because I wouldn't accept what was shown to me over and over in the actions of my husband. I have prayed against my husband's free will for a long time....not wanting him to have free will but instead wanting God to "force" him to love us....and I am saying good-bye to that. My husband does have free will just like I do....and ultimately, do I really want to be "loved" by someone who is forced to do so? No! Of course not!! I want to be chosen....and I have not been chosen by my husband in many years. So it is time to say good-bye. It is time to let go....and trust that God can work all kinds of things out that are impossible to me and so if ever there is a day when my husband chooses me again....I guess we will see.

Because there is something else God has shown me through this terrible year....He is faithful. He chooses me. Every day. He loves me just because He wants too...and HE see's value in me and in my daughters. He has opened my eyes to see that not every person is going to see my value or worth...or my daughters. I think that all men...and women....have a choice. We each get to decide every day who we serve. Ourselves or others. Satan or God. I know many of you will say it isn't that simple....but yes it is. You are serving one of them right now...you were created to serve. So you do....you have a master....and only you know who that is. But one thing I have learned is that you cannot say you love the King and live for the enemy....or yourself. It won't work. Your fruit will be rotten and you will only be able to sustain it for a small time before it reveals itself. If you are not connected to the vine....Jesus....and if you do not lean into His Word....you will live for yourself and it will cost you....and your family....greatly.

The girls and I have lost a lot this year. We have lost friends, trust, things, love, and security.....but we have also found a lot this year. We have found reliance on God for ALL things. We have found peace in the middle of giant waves crashing over us. We have found laughter in each other. We have found the ability to dance again, play again, dream again....and we have found hope that we didn't even know existed. We have found truth and we have determined that we wouldn't believe anymore lies. We have rooted ourselves in truth and in that we have found strength. We have found friends that have become family. We have found that it is ok to ask for help....( I'm still working on this one but getting better every day!) We have found that we can still have adventures, joy, excitement and love....even in the midst of great sorrow. We have found how free crying can make you feel. We have found a tenderness toward each other that would never have been there had we not walked through all of this together. Trauma does a number on your heart and spirit and we have walked through a lot of trauma....and in that I have seen a faith in my younger girls that leaves me humbled to be their mom. I have seen Christ grow these tiny daughters into fierce, young warriors who know the Word of God and stand bravely to speak it even when it is hard. We have found a joy in each other that can only come from going through really hard times with each other. When you have lost so much....and yet....you realize just how much you have in each other....it makes you grateful. W have found a gratefulness for just about everything. We have seen the hand of God over us, and we have heard His whispers of love, and we have felt His very presence in our lives....and it has given us grateful hearts.

I have found that I am capable of living on my own! Who knew?! I went straight from my parents home to my husbands and I have never lived on my own and I doubted my ability to do so more than anything else....but I am doing it! I am capable of making good choices that keep my family secure. I am learning that I underestimated myself alot and I allowed others to make me feel as though I wasn't smart or pretty or good enough for them....and it did a number on my spirit....but this year has been healing in that area as well! I have stopped believing the lies that I "can't" do it....and I have started speaking truth to myself. God says I can do ALL THINGS....so I do. I just believe His Word....I stop making it so complicated and messy and I just believe what it says. His Word covers how we are to live our lives in great detail....and for believers, our lives are to be lived different from this world. So I live differently. You may agree or disagree with that, but it really doesn't matter does it? Because it isn't about what you think....it is about God's Truth. And me living that truth out to the best of my ability. I have walked this road as openly as I could because I want others to know that we all struggle! We all sin and then sin again and we mess up and then mess up again....but we strive for holiness. In all we do. In all we say. In how we live....and it is hard. Really hard sometimes! But we keep being honest, we keep being real, and we just keep pressing into the heart of our King....this isn't about perfection....never that. This is about who I serve....and Who motivates me to live life true to my calling....

So we say hello to this next year and all that it holds for us.....and we say good-bye to all of last years torment and pain. We let go of trying to "force" people into what we believe is the right way for them to live....and we allow them to make their own choices and live their life the way they want, even if we know it will end in pain. We don't control it...or them. We let their choices be between them and God. We set it aside, let go, turn our faces up to the Heavens, and take a step forward....always forward. For we have learned that looking back only brings sorrow....but feeling the fresh wind of hope and change on our faces, brings us joy and wonder at what is waiting ahead! We dream of the future and what it holds for us. We feel our spirits lift within us at knowing that God has some exciting plans ahead for us. For we KNOW that God has good for us. We know that what lies ahead is for our good and His glory....and we step bravely into that.

This song has been one of our favorites and this is what we commit to do this next year...chase after our King! With all this is within us!!

A letter to Abba Father.

Dear Abba Father,

     How do I write this to You? How do I explain the bitter ache in my heart and the questions blowing in and out of my mind constantly? 

Why haven't You done a miracle? 

Why haven't You released all of Heaven on behalf of my husband? 

Why haven't You heard my heart shattering day after day? 

What haven't I done?! I have asked and pleaded and begged You my King, to do something. I have stood firm when everyone around me said to leave....and I have bruised and bloody knees from falling to them so much. I have fought hard my Lord....I have done everything I know to do....and yet....I am sitting here without my husband. I still listen to the cries of my little one because she misses her daddy and I still fall asleep at night crying myself because I miss my husband. 

What do I do with this pain? Where do I put it?! My heart aches....my breathing hurts...and my eyes are constantly fighting back the tears because this ISN"T they way it was suppose to go. It isn't the way that Your Word promises....

so why am I here? 

Why do You want me to walk through this? 

Why won't You reach down deep into the pit and pull my husband out?! 

I don't know what else to do?

I have done everything I know....and it hasn't changed anything.

I am still alone. 

I shouldn't be here....alone...after 17 years of marriage.

I should be singing Your praise for all that You have done IN MY MARRIAGE...but instead am crying aching sobs because it isn't suppose to be this way. 

If my prayers matter to You....if You hold every tear in Your bottles...if You fight FOR marriage....than why am I here today? 

I stood firm on what You told me to stand firm on.

I fought for my husband....

I loved him when my heart was ripped out time and time again....

So why....

Why do You still say for me to pray and fight? Have I not fought? Have I not given up all of my adult life to fight for a man who wants nothing to do with me?! 

My very soul hurts right now....

This isn't about not trusting You. This isn't about not believing in You. I will always trust You and believe in You....this is about Your daughter not understanding. I don't understand where my authority is. I don't understand why the enemy is winning in my husband's heart?! I don't understand...but I still trust You. Still I sing Your praises....still I bow before You and still I am willing to walk through whatever You ask of me....but please know Abba Father, that my knees are trembling....my heart is thudding in my chest....and my eyes are quick to fill with tears. But yet....I still believe Your Word. I KNOW You are fighting on behalf of my husband. I KNOW You are pursuing him....and I surrender to Your timing. Your will. Your way....

I do not stand in fear of the enemy who is seeking to destroy my husband. I stand boldly and wage war against the enemy through the power of Your Word! I hold up my sword....Your Word....and I use it with Your authority my King! I hold You to Your promises....but even if this doesn't end the way I pray....I still trust You. Please strengthen your daughter's heart....and my faith....may it grow even more. Show me how to be bold for You and how to stand in the gap. I love You Father...my Jevoah-Sabboath. My Redeemer. My Peace. My hope....and only through Your power will I be able to stand this....so please....be strong in me my King. I will do my best to live out this journey with grace and gentleness like You have called me to do. I will speak Your truth into my life, my daughter's lives, and my husband's life. I will praise no matter the tears or the shattering of my heart....and I will honor You with everything I am. For You are my God and I will always follow You....no matter how deep the water may seem.

https://www.amazon.com/Praying-Your-Husband-Head-Scripture-Based/dp/160142471X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1512342220&sr=8-1&keywords=praying+for+your+husband+head+to+toe

The broken spirit: it is mine.

I have been sad. A sadness that I have never experienced before had washed over me and I didn't know what to do with it....so I will write about it...for sometimes, when I put thought to paper, it begins to make a little more sense....I guess we will see.

I just celebrated my 38th birthday back in August. By far the hardest one I have ever celebrated. Why? Because a few months ago, I asked my husband to move out....and something happened in my spirit this time....it broke.

We are coming upon 4 months now of my husband living apart from us and the grief has only gotten worse. Tears will pop up in my eyes at any moment and I have had more breakdowns on my bathroom floor then I can even count. I keep wondering why is it so hard this time? My husband has struggled with addictions for all 17 years of our marriage and has relapsed countless times before...so what is different this time?

I feel betrayed by my King. That's what is different. Even writing these words down I realize how crazy they sound. I know He hasn't betrayed me for one second....but it "feels" like He has! Ever since I was six and asked Christ to be my Lord, I have lived only for Him. I have loved serving Him and honoring Him with my choices and my words. I have considered it a joy to be His servant and I have fallen in deep love with His Word....but it has cost me....greatly....and something happened this time in my spirit as it broke....the shattering opened a door to doubt.

I started doubting God's promises. I had been faithful! I had honored His commandments! So why was everything falling apart again? Why were my children falling away? Why was my husband still giving in to the demon of lying and allowing those lies to destroy us? So many doubts....and tears. I was so sad in my heart because of my own doubts and fears and grief. I know what the Bible says about going through difficult times! I am suppose to be praising and counting it all joy! I am suppose to be reflecting to the world that God is still in control and that I am trusting Him to provide for all of my needs....I know these things....but I don't feel them as truth. Because the truth is that my heart is broken. I am broken. Everything seems difficult and even walking around in a store seems impossible. I can't find the joy....no matter how hard I look. My grief is a wall around me and when I try to find the joy.... I start to doubt everything in my life. I doubt my emotions. I doubt my worth. I doubt my value and I doubt my purpose. I doubt my beauty. I doubt my words. I doubt my actions and I doubt my abilities. I doubt everything that is me....I doubt my discernment and I doubt my wisdom. I doubt my prayers....I am full of doubt and that breaks my heart. I know my King! I know His heart and I know His passion for me! I know how much He has given for me....His EVERYTHING. I know He fights for me. I know He speaks on my behalf. I know He avenges me and I know He is faithful to me. SO WHY AM I STRUGGLING? Why can't I wake up and choose joy and smile and sing through each day? Why does it feel like the enemy is winning?! I know the truth! And yet......the grief.

 I have prayed and prayed and asked God to reveal to me why this is...what my problem is? This is what I have learned from the Holy Spirit who has revealed these things to my heart:

1. I am grieving sin. I am grieving that the ones I love so dearly are choosing sin over my King. It breaks me. It undoes me. My loved ones have walked away from their calling....their King....and it grieves me unbearably.
2. I am angry at the enemy for deceiving those I love.
3. I am angry at my loved ones who know the truth and yet choose to turn a blind eye and walk away from my Beloved.
4. I am grieving my dreams...what I thought would be. I am sad that my reality is my worst nightmare and I am sad that my children have such pain written into their story already. It makes my heart so very sad for them.
5. I have alot to learn about God's will....the way He pursues good for us when it feels so very wrong. The way He writes pain into my story....for my good and His glory. The enemy didn't write my story....my King did. Jesus allowed my suffering...continues to allow my suffering and my daughters suffering....FOR MY GOOD AND HIS GLORY. I have a very hard time understanding this, much less liking it.

Those are just a few of the things that I have been shown. Things that have peeled back the pain in my heart to let me see the beating underneath....and with each heartbeat there is a learning...a seeking of understanding the heart of God. I may not be able to understand but no matter what....I will praise my King. I am truly on broken knees, shaking and trembling before Him....afraid of what He will allow next...but I will not stop speaking His name....Jesus....Jesus....Jesus. My King and my Redeemer. My Lord and my El-Shaddai, My Yewah and my Jehovah Jeriah.

I don't want people to just always think that because we are "believers", we always choose joy. I am human. I struggle with pain, coveting, depression, and doubt. I wrestle with my theology and what God's Word says at times. I want to runaway at times and I want to go home more often than not. I am human. And it is in that humanness that I am met by the King. I cannot control someone else's lying tongue or fake facade....but I can surrender ALL of my control...my will, my thoughts, my dreams, my plans, my actions, my prayers, my everything....to MY KING.

So I do.

I cry...alot. I fall to my knees and I beg God to do something to change the heart of my loved ones. I stay awake all night many nights praying and begging God to give me the strength I need to stand firm. I lash out at the enemy and bind and gag his minions of demonic spirits that are active in my family. I walk the halls of my home and weep for what the very walls tell. I leave stores sometimes because I am about to have a breakdown and weep for what should be...and isn't. I write in my journal like a madwoman to try and get all the emotions out of me and on paper. I rub my tiny daughter's back and whisper God's anointing over her. I soothe my 12 year old's hair back from her eyes full of tears and pain, and I just listen....and we cry together and we pray together. I go into my 15 year old's room at night at the sound of her heart breaking and her tears falling and I hold her and sing to her. And I pray. How I pray!! It is a constant state of prayers that never end....a constant war being waged in the spiritual....and I surrender. I throw up my hands and I fall on my bathroom floor and I surrender....over and over again. I am human. I am a daughter of the King. The two wage war in my very chest....

I don't know how this story ends. I pray that God will be glorified in my every moment. I pray that when I finally go home, I am welcomed with ," well done, my good and faithful servant." I pray those I meet know they are loved and cherished in my heart. I pray my husband knows that I have always seen what God has called him to be. I pray that my daughter's knows they are wanted and loved by me....but especially by their King. I pray that I have touched a heart and left a light behind....that as my light fades away from this world....I have passed it on to someone else who shines it even brighter. I pray that my children know that all things spiritual exist. The demons and the angels....are here....but they do not force us to make any decisions. Those are ours to own. I pray that there is a scroll in heaven that has my story written in it and that it is a good and faithful story...and that my Father is proud of me. I pray that I will learn to rejoice even in the midst of my shattered heart. I pray I will be authentic and real in being human and that I won't pretend with people that all is well when things aren't well. I pray that I will be brave. I pray I will be kind. I pray I will love and I will keep a soft heart in this cruel world. I pray that I will fearlessly make known the gospel!

Grief is here...for now. But I am promised that it will not always be like this. I am promised that a new day with new mercies is coming. I will stand firm on His promises....because that is all I have. I have given up my entire life with joy to serve my King. I will not turn back because things aren't going the way I think they should. I know my Redeemer lives! I know He is coming back for me and when that day finally gets here....I will be home in Heaven. All of these moments will be but a moment in my eternity which is sealed in glory! And all of this grief is worth every tear and every shattering of my heart when I at last see my beautiful King's eyes....how I long for that moment! I will keep my eyes focused on that moment....the one yet to be but surely coming....the one where at last everything on this journey makes sense and it all comes together with me at His feet....and then...at His table....

I feel the sun....just starting to warm my broken heart. I feel the peace that cannot be explained and I feel the stirrings of joy deep within the shattered pieces....I am learning that in great grief can come great healing and even great joy. That is the beauty of my King. So I trust Him. I trust Him with all of these pieces of my shattered spirit and weary heart and I praise Him! I praise Him for that warmth that is now on my face....and I praise Him for this journey. For without walking all of this, I would have missed a piece of my Father's heart!

Making memories that count.

Summer is almost over....I can't believe it! This summer has flown by for our family for sure. At times, I have caught myself running hectic through each day trying to get all the " things" done that "need" to be done in a day...can anyone relate?!

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves and teach our children that some of the best memories every are those of moments....not things. The moments are what we always remember, isn't it? I know I do! I want my children to remember our family moments of praying around the table, playing card games late into the night, and sitting around a bonfire giggling and sharing stories!

This is a great tool that literally takes about the time it would take for you to check your facebook, to print off and put together....and boom!.....moments ready to cherish forever. One of my favorite things about this link below is that it takes all the hard parts of being creative away and just helps me spend time with my family! Because sometimes I am crazy busy running after my 6 children that I want to have special moments but I am just to tired to think how to do it! This takes care of that part for me :)  I love that!!
 I love spending quality time with my family. I love that we're free from the distractions of daily life. I love campfires. I love s'mores. I hate getting ready for camping. I'm absolutely positive we would go camping more if the packing process wasn't such a pain. There's just so much to remember! Packing everything from the food to essential tools to ways to keep the kids busy makes for a stressful day, but I think we're finally going to get outside and camp more because I found this really useful printable pack from The Dating Divas. Their Family Camping Trip Kit is going to make it so much easier to get everyone and everything ready for some family bonding in the great outdoors!

If you want to camp more with your family and make it easy, this set is perfect because with the Family Camping Trip Kit, you get:

Camping Binder with a packing checklist and to-do list.
Camping Menu to make meal planning easy.
Camping Games for some fun family bonding around the campfire.
Scavenger Hunt to keep the kids entertained around the camp site.
Campfire S'mores Kit to make the BEST part of camping an even bigger treat!

One of the best things about camping is that it's an inexpensive getaway for anyone. So if you're ready to plan a stress-free trip for your family, grab the Family Camping Trip Kit today!
Can't get away somewhere...that's ok! Because you just go into your backyard or front yard...and boom! Camping is done!

Our family may not be wealthy or take dream vacations to anywhere in the world....but we do take time to stop and create moments with each other that we will all remember for all of our lives. And it's worth it....this is truly the only way to slow down time....but being fully present and engaged in the moment....and then the moment just kind of wraps itself around the heart and stays there forever.

I hope you enjoy this link! I would love to hear your feedback on it if you try it!

http://thedatingdivas.affiliatedash.com/a/FCTP/beautifulheart