Saying good-bye...and hello.

This has been the hardest year of my life. It has been full of grief that has went so deep into the very core of my spirit. It has taken away much from me that left me feeling less than a whole person. It has been full of tears, begging, praying, crying out, and standing firm....it has been hard. Really, really hard. I have watched my daughters struggle with questions that I could not answer and I have seen each of them searching....some leaning towards the heart of the Father, some anything but the heart of the Father....and it has been hard.

I have spent this entire year standing firm and believing that God would redeem and restore what the enemy was fighting so hard to destroy. I prayed, fasted, had others pray, believed and waited....and waited...and things just kept getting worse and worse. It began to unravel faster and faster until here I sit...on the last day of the year 2017....and I am ready to say good-bye.

I am ready to say good-bye to dreams that have died. Good-bye to prayers that have changed from praying for restoration to prayers of strength to walk away.  My marriage has been kept on life support for years because I wouldn't accept what was shown to me over and over in the actions of my husband. I have prayed against my husband's free will for a long time....not wanting him to have free will but instead wanting God to "force" him to love us....and I am saying good-bye to that. My husband does have free will just like I do....and ultimately, do I really want to be "loved" by someone who is forced to do so? No! Of course not!! I want to be chosen....and I have not been chosen by my husband in many years. So it is time to say good-bye. It is time to let go....and trust that God can work all kinds of things out that are impossible to me and so if ever there is a day when my husband chooses me again....I guess we will see.

Because there is something else God has shown me through this terrible year....He is faithful. He chooses me. Every day. He loves me just because He wants too...and HE see's value in me and in my daughters. He has opened my eyes to see that not every person is going to see my value or worth...or my daughters. I think that all men...and women....have a choice. We each get to decide every day who we serve. Ourselves or others. Satan or God. I know many of you will say it isn't that simple....but yes it is. You are serving one of them right now...you were created to serve. So you do....you have a master....and only you know who that is. But one thing I have learned is that you cannot say you love the King and live for the enemy....or yourself. It won't work. Your fruit will be rotten and you will only be able to sustain it for a small time before it reveals itself. If you are not connected to the vine....Jesus....and if you do not lean into His Word....you will live for yourself and it will cost you....and your family....greatly.

The girls and I have lost a lot this year. We have lost friends, trust, things, love, and security.....but we have also found a lot this year. We have found reliance on God for ALL things. We have found peace in the middle of giant waves crashing over us. We have found laughter in each other. We have found the ability to dance again, play again, dream again....and we have found hope that we didn't even know existed. We have found truth and we have determined that we wouldn't believe anymore lies. We have rooted ourselves in truth and in that we have found strength. We have found friends that have become family. We have found that it is ok to ask for help....( I'm still working on this one but getting better every day!) We have found that we can still have adventures, joy, excitement and love....even in the midst of great sorrow. We have found how free crying can make you feel. We have found a tenderness toward each other that would never have been there had we not walked through all of this together. Trauma does a number on your heart and spirit and we have walked through a lot of trauma....and in that I have seen a faith in my younger girls that leaves me humbled to be their mom. I have seen Christ grow these tiny daughters into fierce, young warriors who know the Word of God and stand bravely to speak it even when it is hard. We have found a joy in each other that can only come from going through really hard times with each other. When you have lost so much....and yet....you realize just how much you have in each other....it makes you grateful. W have found a gratefulness for just about everything. We have seen the hand of God over us, and we have heard His whispers of love, and we have felt His very presence in our lives....and it has given us grateful hearts.

I have found that I am capable of living on my own! Who knew?! I went straight from my parents home to my husbands and I have never lived on my own and I doubted my ability to do so more than anything else....but I am doing it! I am capable of making good choices that keep my family secure. I am learning that I underestimated myself alot and I allowed others to make me feel as though I wasn't smart or pretty or good enough for them....and it did a number on my spirit....but this year has been healing in that area as well! I have stopped believing the lies that I "can't" do it....and I have started speaking truth to myself. God says I can do ALL THINGS....so I do. I just believe His Word....I stop making it so complicated and messy and I just believe what it says. His Word covers how we are to live our lives in great detail....and for believers, our lives are to be lived different from this world. So I live differently. You may agree or disagree with that, but it really doesn't matter does it? Because it isn't about what you think....it is about God's Truth. And me living that truth out to the best of my ability. I have walked this road as openly as I could because I want others to know that we all struggle! We all sin and then sin again and we mess up and then mess up again....but we strive for holiness. In all we do. In all we say. In how we live....and it is hard. Really hard sometimes! But we keep being honest, we keep being real, and we just keep pressing into the heart of our King....this isn't about perfection....never that. This is about who I serve....and Who motivates me to live life true to my calling....

So we say hello to this next year and all that it holds for us.....and we say good-bye to all of last years torment and pain. We let go of trying to "force" people into what we believe is the right way for them to live....and we allow them to make their own choices and live their life the way they want, even if we know it will end in pain. We don't control it...or them. We let their choices be between them and God. We set it aside, let go, turn our faces up to the Heavens, and take a step forward....always forward. For we have learned that looking back only brings sorrow....but feeling the fresh wind of hope and change on our faces, brings us joy and wonder at what is waiting ahead! We dream of the future and what it holds for us. We feel our spirits lift within us at knowing that God has some exciting plans ahead for us. For we KNOW that God has good for us. We know that what lies ahead is for our good and His glory....and we step bravely into that.

This song has been one of our favorites and this is what we commit to do this next year...chase after our King! With all this is within us!!

A letter to Abba Father.

Dear Abba Father,

     How do I write this to You? How do I explain the bitter ache in my heart and the questions blowing in and out of my mind constantly? 

Why haven't You done a miracle? 

Why haven't You released all of Heaven on behalf of my husband? 

Why haven't You heard my heart shattering day after day? 

What haven't I done?! I have asked and pleaded and begged You my King, to do something. I have stood firm when everyone around me said to leave....and I have bruised and bloody knees from falling to them so much. I have fought hard my Lord....I have done everything I know to do....and yet....I am sitting here without my husband. I still listen to the cries of my little one because she misses her daddy and I still fall asleep at night crying myself because I miss my husband. 

What do I do with this pain? Where do I put it?! My heart aches....my breathing hurts...and my eyes are constantly fighting back the tears because this ISN"T they way it was suppose to go. It isn't the way that Your Word promises....

so why am I here? 

Why do You want me to walk through this? 

Why won't You reach down deep into the pit and pull my husband out?! 

I don't know what else to do?

I have done everything I know....and it hasn't changed anything.

I am still alone. 

I shouldn't be here....alone...after 17 years of marriage.

I should be singing Your praise for all that You have done IN MY MARRIAGE...but instead am crying aching sobs because it isn't suppose to be this way. 

If my prayers matter to You....if You hold every tear in Your bottles...if You fight FOR marriage....than why am I here today? 

I stood firm on what You told me to stand firm on.

I fought for my husband....

I loved him when my heart was ripped out time and time again....

So why....

Why do You still say for me to pray and fight? Have I not fought? Have I not given up all of my adult life to fight for a man who wants nothing to do with me?! 

My very soul hurts right now....

This isn't about not trusting You. This isn't about not believing in You. I will always trust You and believe in You....this is about Your daughter not understanding. I don't understand where my authority is. I don't understand why the enemy is winning in my husband's heart?! I don't understand...but I still trust You. Still I sing Your praises....still I bow before You and still I am willing to walk through whatever You ask of me....but please know Abba Father, that my knees are trembling....my heart is thudding in my chest....and my eyes are quick to fill with tears. But yet....I still believe Your Word. I KNOW You are fighting on behalf of my husband. I KNOW You are pursuing him....and I surrender to Your timing. Your will. Your way....

I do not stand in fear of the enemy who is seeking to destroy my husband. I stand boldly and wage war against the enemy through the power of Your Word! I hold up my sword....Your Word....and I use it with Your authority my King! I hold You to Your promises....but even if this doesn't end the way I pray....I still trust You. Please strengthen your daughter's heart....and my faith....may it grow even more. Show me how to be bold for You and how to stand in the gap. I love You Father...my Jevoah-Sabboath. My Redeemer. My Peace. My hope....and only through Your power will I be able to stand this....so please....be strong in me my King. I will do my best to live out this journey with grace and gentleness like You have called me to do. I will speak Your truth into my life, my daughter's lives, and my husband's life. I will praise no matter the tears or the shattering of my heart....and I will honor You with everything I am. For You are my God and I will always follow You....no matter how deep the water may seem.

https://www.amazon.com/Praying-Your-Husband-Head-Scripture-Based/dp/160142471X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1512342220&sr=8-1&keywords=praying+for+your+husband+head+to+toe

The broken spirit: it is mine.

I have been sad. A sadness that I have never experienced before had washed over me and I didn't know what to do with it....so I will write about it...for sometimes, when I put thought to paper, it begins to make a little more sense....I guess we will see.

I just celebrated my 38th birthday back in August. By far the hardest one I have ever celebrated. Why? Because a few months ago, I asked my husband to move out....and something happened in my spirit this time....it broke.

We are coming upon 4 months now of my husband living apart from us and the grief has only gotten worse. Tears will pop up in my eyes at any moment and I have had more breakdowns on my bathroom floor then I can even count. I keep wondering why is it so hard this time? My husband has struggled with addictions for all 17 years of our marriage and has relapsed countless times before...so what is different this time?

I feel betrayed by my King. That's what is different. Even writing these words down I realize how crazy they sound. I know He hasn't betrayed me for one second....but it "feels" like He has! Ever since I was six and asked Christ to be my Lord, I have lived only for Him. I have loved serving Him and honoring Him with my choices and my words. I have considered it a joy to be His servant and I have fallen in deep love with His Word....but it has cost me....greatly....and something happened this time in my spirit as it broke....the shattering opened a door to doubt.

I started doubting God's promises. I had been faithful! I had honored His commandments! So why was everything falling apart again? Why were my children falling away? Why was my husband still giving in to the demon of lying and allowing those lies to destroy us? So many doubts....and tears. I was so sad in my heart because of my own doubts and fears and grief. I know what the Bible says about going through difficult times! I am suppose to be praising and counting it all joy! I am suppose to be reflecting to the world that God is still in control and that I am trusting Him to provide for all of my needs....I know these things....but I don't feel them as truth. Because the truth is that my heart is broken. I am broken. Everything seems difficult and even walking around in a store seems impossible. I can't find the joy....no matter how hard I look. My grief is a wall around me and when I try to find the joy.... I start to doubt everything in my life. I doubt my emotions. I doubt my worth. I doubt my value and I doubt my purpose. I doubt my beauty. I doubt my words. I doubt my actions and I doubt my abilities. I doubt everything that is me....I doubt my discernment and I doubt my wisdom. I doubt my prayers....I am full of doubt and that breaks my heart. I know my King! I know His heart and I know His passion for me! I know how much He has given for me....His EVERYTHING. I know He fights for me. I know He speaks on my behalf. I know He avenges me and I know He is faithful to me. SO WHY AM I STRUGGLING? Why can't I wake up and choose joy and smile and sing through each day? Why does it feel like the enemy is winning?! I know the truth! And yet......the grief.

 I have prayed and prayed and asked God to reveal to me why this is...what my problem is? This is what I have learned from the Holy Spirit who has revealed these things to my heart:

1. I am grieving sin. I am grieving that the ones I love so dearly are choosing sin over my King. It breaks me. It undoes me. My loved ones have walked away from their calling....their King....and it grieves me unbearably.
2. I am angry at the enemy for deceiving those I love.
3. I am angry at my loved ones who know the truth and yet choose to turn a blind eye and walk away from my Beloved.
4. I am grieving my dreams...what I thought would be. I am sad that my reality is my worst nightmare and I am sad that my children have such pain written into their story already. It makes my heart so very sad for them.
5. I have alot to learn about God's will....the way He pursues good for us when it feels so very wrong. The way He writes pain into my story....for my good and His glory. The enemy didn't write my story....my King did. Jesus allowed my suffering...continues to allow my suffering and my daughters suffering....FOR MY GOOD AND HIS GLORY. I have a very hard time understanding this, much less liking it.

Those are just a few of the things that I have been shown. Things that have peeled back the pain in my heart to let me see the beating underneath....and with each heartbeat there is a learning...a seeking of understanding the heart of God. I may not be able to understand but no matter what....I will praise my King. I am truly on broken knees, shaking and trembling before Him....afraid of what He will allow next...but I will not stop speaking His name....Jesus....Jesus....Jesus. My King and my Redeemer. My Lord and my El-Shaddai, My Yewah and my Jehovah Jeriah.

I don't want people to just always think that because we are "believers", we always choose joy. I am human. I struggle with pain, coveting, depression, and doubt. I wrestle with my theology and what God's Word says at times. I want to runaway at times and I want to go home more often than not. I am human. And it is in that humanness that I am met by the King. I cannot control someone else's lying tongue or fake facade....but I can surrender ALL of my control...my will, my thoughts, my dreams, my plans, my actions, my prayers, my everything....to MY KING.

So I do.

I cry...alot. I fall to my knees and I beg God to do something to change the heart of my loved ones. I stay awake all night many nights praying and begging God to give me the strength I need to stand firm. I lash out at the enemy and bind and gag his minions of demonic spirits that are active in my family. I walk the halls of my home and weep for what the very walls tell. I leave stores sometimes because I am about to have a breakdown and weep for what should be...and isn't. I write in my journal like a madwoman to try and get all the emotions out of me and on paper. I rub my tiny daughter's back and whisper God's anointing over her. I soothe my 12 year old's hair back from her eyes full of tears and pain, and I just listen....and we cry together and we pray together. I go into my 15 year old's room at night at the sound of her heart breaking and her tears falling and I hold her and sing to her. And I pray. How I pray!! It is a constant state of prayers that never end....a constant war being waged in the spiritual....and I surrender. I throw up my hands and I fall on my bathroom floor and I surrender....over and over again. I am human. I am a daughter of the King. The two wage war in my very chest....

I don't know how this story ends. I pray that God will be glorified in my every moment. I pray that when I finally go home, I am welcomed with ," well done, my good and faithful servant." I pray those I meet know they are loved and cherished in my heart. I pray my husband knows that I have always seen what God has called him to be. I pray that my daughter's knows they are wanted and loved by me....but especially by their King. I pray that I have touched a heart and left a light behind....that as my light fades away from this world....I have passed it on to someone else who shines it even brighter. I pray that my children know that all things spiritual exist. The demons and the angels....are here....but they do not force us to make any decisions. Those are ours to own. I pray that there is a scroll in heaven that has my story written in it and that it is a good and faithful story...and that my Father is proud of me. I pray that I will learn to rejoice even in the midst of my shattered heart. I pray I will be authentic and real in being human and that I won't pretend with people that all is well when things aren't well. I pray that I will be brave. I pray I will be kind. I pray I will love and I will keep a soft heart in this cruel world. I pray that I will fearlessly make known the gospel!

Grief is here...for now. But I am promised that it will not always be like this. I am promised that a new day with new mercies is coming. I will stand firm on His promises....because that is all I have. I have given up my entire life with joy to serve my King. I will not turn back because things aren't going the way I think they should. I know my Redeemer lives! I know He is coming back for me and when that day finally gets here....I will be home in Heaven. All of these moments will be but a moment in my eternity which is sealed in glory! And all of this grief is worth every tear and every shattering of my heart when I at last see my beautiful King's eyes....how I long for that moment! I will keep my eyes focused on that moment....the one yet to be but surely coming....the one where at last everything on this journey makes sense and it all comes together with me at His feet....and then...at His table....

I feel the sun....just starting to warm my broken heart. I feel the peace that cannot be explained and I feel the stirrings of joy deep within the shattered pieces....I am learning that in great grief can come great healing and even great joy. That is the beauty of my King. So I trust Him. I trust Him with all of these pieces of my shattered spirit and weary heart and I praise Him! I praise Him for that warmth that is now on my face....and I praise Him for this journey. For without walking all of this, I would have missed a piece of my Father's heart!

Making memories that count.

Summer is almost over....I can't believe it! This summer has flown by for our family for sure. At times, I have caught myself running hectic through each day trying to get all the " things" done that "need" to be done in a day...can anyone relate?!

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves and teach our children that some of the best memories every are those of moments....not things. The moments are what we always remember, isn't it? I know I do! I want my children to remember our family moments of praying around the table, playing card games late into the night, and sitting around a bonfire giggling and sharing stories!

This is a great tool that literally takes about the time it would take for you to check your facebook, to print off and put together....and boom!.....moments ready to cherish forever. One of my favorite things about this link below is that it takes all the hard parts of being creative away and just helps me spend time with my family! Because sometimes I am crazy busy running after my 6 children that I want to have special moments but I am just to tired to think how to do it! This takes care of that part for me :)  I love that!!
 I love spending quality time with my family. I love that we're free from the distractions of daily life. I love campfires. I love s'mores. I hate getting ready for camping. I'm absolutely positive we would go camping more if the packing process wasn't such a pain. There's just so much to remember! Packing everything from the food to essential tools to ways to keep the kids busy makes for a stressful day, but I think we're finally going to get outside and camp more because I found this really useful printable pack from The Dating Divas. Their Family Camping Trip Kit is going to make it so much easier to get everyone and everything ready for some family bonding in the great outdoors!

If you want to camp more with your family and make it easy, this set is perfect because with the Family Camping Trip Kit, you get:

Camping Binder with a packing checklist and to-do list.
Camping Menu to make meal planning easy.
Camping Games for some fun family bonding around the campfire.
Scavenger Hunt to keep the kids entertained around the camp site.
Campfire S'mores Kit to make the BEST part of camping an even bigger treat!

One of the best things about camping is that it's an inexpensive getaway for anyone. So if you're ready to plan a stress-free trip for your family, grab the Family Camping Trip Kit today!
Can't get away somewhere...that's ok! Because you just go into your backyard or front yard...and boom! Camping is done!

Our family may not be wealthy or take dream vacations to anywhere in the world....but we do take time to stop and create moments with each other that we will all remember for all of our lives. And it's worth it....this is truly the only way to slow down time....but being fully present and engaged in the moment....and then the moment just kind of wraps itself around the heart and stays there forever.

I hope you enjoy this link! I would love to hear your feedback on it if you try it!

http://thedatingdivas.affiliatedash.com/a/FCTP/beautifulheart

 
   

Written by hand....and heart.

In our tech savvy world where everything is online or by text or email....where our children capture their memories on facebook, twitter, instagram or snapchat just to name a few....we have somehow lost the beauty of writing.

We have forgotten the joy or running to the mailbox and getting that special letter from a special someone. And we have missed out on sitting around and looking through old photos of family and friends and then spending hours creating photo books and special scrapbooks that we cherish always.

It's easy to do....but we can also slow time down by simply being in the moment and writing a simple note. It can be a sweet thought or it could be a favorite memory. It could be an encouragement or so many other things....things that grab a hold of our heart and just sink in. Taking the time to sit down and write a note to someone doesn't just bring joy to the one receiving that note....but the one writing it is taking time to sit...think...write...be. It means they have taken time away from our always busy schedule to think about someone else. It means that they will have something to hold onto and read again and again and even pass on to their families. The smallest note can bring huge amounts of joy to someone's heart.

I still have notes and letters from many years back that my girls love to pull out and read. I still try to write my girls and my husband handwritten notes...but if you struggle to do this and don't even know where to start....this is for you!

I hope you enjoy this super fun link :)

http://thedatingdivas.affiliatedash.com/a/OWLKFP/beautifulhea

<a href="http://thedatingdivas.affiliatedash.com/a/OWLKFP/beautifulheart"> <img src="http://www.thedatingdivas.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Open-When-Letters-for-Kids-Rectangle.jpg" alt="Open When Letters For Kids" data-pin-url="http://thedatingdivas.affiliatedash.com/a/OWLKFP/beautifulheart" data-pin-description="" /> </a>


   

Do you see?

What do you see Father?

What do you see when you look at me?

What do you see when you look at them?....at us?

Do you see our pain and agony?

Do you see our raw savage ugliness?

Do you see deep into our hearts?

Do you see the longing for sin that pulls us over and over again.....

Do you see the tears flowing down as we carve out another scar?

Do you see the shoulders heaving up and down from sobs so deep?

Do you see past the fake smile and into the scar-ridden heart?

Do you see beauty when looking on my face?

Do you see worth?

Do you see a slave or someone free?

Do you see my chains that held me so tightly?

Do you see a face smeared with dark shadows?

Or do you see a face rinsed free?

Do you see?

Do you see a son or daughter who throws themselves at Your feet?

Do you see a heart redeemed?

Do you see the cross on which You gave Your all for me?

Do you see...all of me?

Do You see the broken pieces....and still love me?

How can this be?!

How can your eyes light up so much when you come near me?

How can your heart long after mine?

How can you speak such truth into my heart, the way you do....

Your grace....your grace.....it covers me.

It covers my pain and my dark secrets.....

It reaches into the most brokenness of places....and covers me.

Your grace.....will I ever understand it?!

Can you teach me Father please?

Help me to see....

the way that you see.

Cut right open: when loving hurts.

It is hard to explain what happens INSIDE of the spirit of a person as they continually surrender to Jesus. It is something that this world cannot explain and something that leaves people in a baffled state...the world and even other believers sometimes are left asking how can someone forgive "that sin" or why would they stay in that marriage? Why do they not "stand up for themselves", Why do they keep putting up with this? How can they possibly be happy or at peace in THAT situation? How can they keep on loving that person? How can they keep on believing in that person? On and on the questions go because it is truly unbelievable at times the strength and power that God gives you when you surrender to Him.

I have walked through the last few years cut right open...bearing my pain and heart to all....our family has walked through some really tough times and I get asked ALOT about joy, pain, forgiveness,....hope. It is hard to walk through life vulnerable. I have wanted to retreat at times and hide....just shut my heart right up so that no one has to know what it is experiencing....and at times I have. At times it has been a war against MY will versus my Father's Will....and I have not always surrendered willingly. Because being vulnerable is hard. Being open and honest can hurt because not everyone understands and certainly doesn't always agree...and people are all to willing to share their opinions on why you are doing it wrong :)...in love of course ;)


So let me say this....I don't always have the answers. I don't always have joy in my heart. I don't always choose the right thing or the unselfish thing. I struggle with sin and selfish motives and thoughts daily. I struggle with walking by faith and needing to know now.....every day. But here is something God continually is teaching me....I am a daughter of THE KING OF KINGS! Because I have accepted that role that was freely given to me, I was also given a gift of citizenship to Heaven and even better than that....I was given the very Spirit of God that came and now dwells within me. So now I have ALL the equipping I need to stand firm when I want to run, to forgive when I want to hate, to smile when I want to frown, to love those that don't deserve love by this worlds definition, to see the world differently....and I want too! How I want too!!

So now, every day, it is a moment of surrender for me. Surrendering my eye sight for His, my tiny ability to love those that "deserve it" for His ability to love everyone no matter what, my bitterness and resentment for His forgiveness....and on and on. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to do these things on my own....absolutely impossible. But through surrender....which basically means every day I wake up with hands wide open, heart cut open, ready to love through HIS power....not mine. I lean INTO the brokenness....not away from it. I trust in the truth that God will make ALL THINGS beautiful no matter how much pain or hurt is involved. It is about faith. It is about trusting when I don't see or FEEL like I love or can forgive that God can and WILL do it through me if I just ask Him too. It is about being in His Word and believing His Word as my ONLY SOURCE OF TRUTH. I do not accept man's version of anything over my King's. I remind myself every day that I have the power of the One who brings dead to life, eyesight to blind, and replaces hearts of stone with hearts of flesh....so if I BELIEVE that....then I need to live it out....and to do that....I need to love. I need to be vulnerable. I need to live cut right open.

I fully admit it can be terrifying on certain days. It can make me tremble at times because it goes so much against what this world yells at us every moment...and I admit that sometimes there is a part of me that leans into the lie just a bit of," What if they are right?" What if that person never does change? What if that child never believes? What if the marriage is always hard? What if the healing doesn't come? What if the finances are never there? What if.....the enemy whispers it and the more I listen to it, the louder he speaks....what if. This is when it is VITAL that we take our thoughts captive! This is when we stand firm that EVEN IF....we will still believe. This is when I speak boldly back to the enemy and tell him he has NO AUTHORITY over my marriage, my children, my life. He can try his best to destroy, kill and steal....and I know he will try.....but he will NEVER WIN. For three days Jesus lay in a tomb and it LOOKED like death( the enemy) had won....but he NEVER WON. Because during those three days, our King was fighting hell itself and was ALWAYS VICTORIOUS! We need to remember that sometimes when the battle "appears" to be lost this side of heaven....there is a battle going on that we cannot see with our eyes just yet. And so during that time, we stand on God's Word and KNOW VICTORY is there. We just believe what God says....when our physical eyes deceive us. This is what God is continually teaching me about....and I have SO much to learn still! But I pray He will always grow my faith....because I have seen Him renew, restore, and rebuild marriages, relationships, hearts, scars....that the world long ago gave up on. Praise God we do not have to put our hope in this world!! Praise the name of Jesus that our Hope is in the One who IS HOPE!

So....we persist. We stand firm. We give up our will and take on His. We surrender our thought process for His. We change. We renew. We believe. And we stand in awe of our God. Because EVEN IF all seems lost......we will never bow to the enemy or his lies. And the Holy Spirit WILL fill my heart with grace, patience, love, forgiveness....supernaturally. I don't have to try and fake it, I don't have to manufacture it....it comes from the Holy Spirit Himself....deep within the core of who I am and WHOSE I am....and it is there. When I least expect it...it is there. Do you know why? This is the best part....because God PROMISES that we will NEVER be separated from Him once we have surrendered to Him, and because of that, even when I "feel" like I am alone or fighting an uphill battle....God is there.

I have felt the pain and dryness of a broken and scared heart....the heat of it passing over me wave after wave until I cannot breathe....and I have fallen to scarred knees many times crying out and every time I have had the cool breath of Hope caress my tired and weary heart. I have seen the hand of God take my scars and my shattered heart....and I have seen the breathtaking beauty that comes from those pieces being woven together with mercy, grace, forgiveness, hope....and it leaves me in awe every time. I pray that you too will take that step of boldness....and live out love loudly. HIS LOVE. The kind this world doesn't understand but craves....and watch my friend as God uses that pain and hurt you are in right now to work wonders beyond our imagination. HE is already at it....creating beauty from this ash you feel falling on you. It has already begun and He won't stop until it is completed my friend.