And then it was final.

I have often thought over the years on how I would write this post if I had to write it. 

It still is a difficult post to write but one that needs to be written. 

We need to be having conversations about hard things and unfortunately, divorce is one of them.

A little peek into the back story: I married what I believed to be my dream man on Nov. 4th, 2000. We began building our marriage on a foundation of Christ and each other....or so I thought. We packed a lot of hard things in a small amount of years and we were both very young, but we had many, many, many fun adventures and beautiful moments. I had the beautiful opportunity to be a stay at home mom and I fully delighted in being a mom and a wife. I have always felt things deeply and being a mom and a wife would leave me in grateful tears so many times. 

Each day was full of choices and slowly....ever so slowly....the choices that my husband made and the choices that I made did not align with each other anymore. Our marriage became a place of great sadness for me. It seemed like there was always another broken promise or another broken dream and I just cried a lot. I reached out to his parents and my parents and the church....desperately seeking help because honestly, I just loved him. Eventually the struggles got even more significant and he went to rehab. My daughters and I believed with all of our hearts that this would be the thing that God would use to bring him back to us. And for awhile, we thought it did....

However, we always have free will and free choices. It is one of the most beautiful things about being a human....the right to choose. But with those rights come a great responsibility and ownership of our choices. We get to make them but sometimes the consequences of them are not just ours but instead are shared by our family. During the time that my husband was in rehab, our entire family was learning about recovery and I was learning a lot about what I had accepted as "normal" and what I had accepted as "ok" even though I knew it didn't sit well with my spirit. Over the years, I had learned to constantly doubt myself. I lived in a forever state of questioning myself....did I really hear that? Is that what I really saw? Was I being stupid and selfish for asking for that? Was I being dumb for expecting faithfulness? I was constantly told that I didn't see or hear what I knew I did and that I never understood what was really going on because I just didn't get it....I didn't realize it then, but I had lived in a state of being gas lighted and manipulated for years. 

I didn't realize it then but looking back I think that the rehab wasn't actually for my husband but it was for my daughters and I. It was for us to have our eyes opened and stop enabling and start speaking up for ourselves and for truth. We needed to be educated on it because I know that if I had not have been educated on what was going on, I would have stayed....even though chronic infidelity and abuse was going on. I would have stayed because that is what I was taught to do. I thought that was what God wanted me to do. I didn't feel like I was worth anything more than how I was being treated. 

This is why this conversation needs to happen. Because even today we are teaching things to our children and we may not be aware that we are inadvertently teaching them to tolerate and accept abuse. My parents never taught me to accept abuse, they taught me to never give up on a marriage. So when I was in a marriage that kept crossing the lines, I didn't have the right tools to help me navigate through it. My church never taught me that abuse is ok, but it did teach me that divorce is wrong. I love Jesus and have always tried to honor Him with my whole life, so this meant in my mind that getting a divorce would mean that I was being disobedient to Christ. I cannot adequately express how much turmoil this put me in!! I wrestled with it day and night and was so torn.

Thankfully God had put some amazing counselors and mentors in our lives and they were able to help me navigate through first separation and then up to this point today...the finalization of the divorce. I did not want a divorce at first because I wanted my husband to see value in me and the girls and want to stay with us and be in love with just me....no other women....but that was what I dreamed of, not what I had. I am so grateful for counselors that taught me how to see my reality for what it was and not what I dreamed it would be. I wanted my husband to be someone he chose not to be and I could not take that choice away from him. 

I tend to see good in most everyone. Because of how I was raised, I was taught to see the story behind the actions and I always believed that God had called my husband to be a great man. I saw true value in his story...even the hard parts that broke my heart. I knew that God could take all that and turn it into a powerful testimony for His glory!! I still believe that about my now ex husband. I believe that God can take all of us, mess and all, when we simply repent and surrender our mess to Him and He can bring beauty from any ash.  But again, we cannot take away a persons right to choose. If someone does not want to be faithful, no one can force them to do so. It comes from their character....the integrity that is either in them or not.  I want my girls to believe in miracles and redemption even as I want them to believe in God's Word as the final authority in their lives. 

I have learned so many things, some of them have broken my heart, and some of them have opened my heart, but all of them have been used by God to teach me more about His heart and the way He sees me. I learned how to set boundaries up and not be afraid to protect myself or my girls. I learned to trust my intuition again that is God given! I learned to surround myself with people who speak truth to my heart and who are not afraid to stand up for wrong behavior. 

Sitting here thinking about the last four years I am simply flooded with emotion! Thankfully I feel I have worked through so much of my pain and that now I am just looking forward to the future. My life detoured in such a drastic way and it nearly took the life right out of me. But when we cry out to God, He always hears us. He never once has left me alone and in my darkest moments that were full of so much pain and agony, He was there and His Word ministered to my heart in supernatural ways. 

I recently had a friend ask me if I still believed in love. ABSOLUTELY!! I want my daughters to believe in love and romance and beauty. I want them to know that there ARE men of honor who value their family and their wives and that God longs for them to have that as well. I also want my girls to know what to do if the person they married ever starts to abuse them. I want them to know when to fight for the marriage and when to let God do the fighting for them. I want them to know their value and worth and NEVER stay in a relationship that is abusive or harmful to them physically, emotionally, spiritually or mentally. I want them to learn how to stand firm on what is right and never be afraid to stand on their boundaries. I want them to know that being in alignment with God's Word is vital and that it is NOT wrong to hold people accountable for their actions as long as you also understand that they have the right to choose who they serve....and so do you. 

I am sad that my dream was broken, even as I am full of gratefulness for God giving me new dreams. Divorce was NEVER part of my dream and has taken me a long time to accept that it is now forever a part of my story. The redemption of my marriage that I prayed for was not to be and once I accepted that I started understanding more about God's love for us. He offers redemption to everyone, but not everyone will accept it and they have the right to choose.

So as my next chapter begins, I know to do this one thing. Love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind and soul. Draw so close to Him every single day. Keep my eyes looking up. When I start to get really depressed ( yes, it still does happen at times), put on a worship song and go for a drive with the windows rolled down, or go into my war room and simply get on my knees and have a good cry. BE REAL. I refuse to pretend anymore. I did for so many years and I will never go back to that!!  Sometimes people say I am "to real"....nope. It is when we share our struggles, our victories, and our weaknesses that we see God's strength in us. 

The JOY of the Lord is my STRENGTH. I take this verse very literal and it has proven true for me. His joy becomes my strength, Praise God! Every time I have had to figure out life when I had NO CLUE what to do, I choose His joy and it became my strength and still to this day is the strength that gets me through each day. I still believe in miracles and marriage! I don't ever see myself remarrying because lets face it...my life is CRAZY and it would take an exceptional man to fall in love with all of our craziness! For those of you who thought my standards were high before....they have only gotten stronger!  I have these beautiful daughters watching me and learning from me and I want to teach them well. The good news is that contrary to what I believed for so long, I CAN have dreams and goals and I CAN make a difference in this world even if I am not married. Jeremiah 29:13 is one of my all time favorite verses and it says, " You will seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all your heart." So that is what I plan to do....with all my heart. 

The result of a dangerous prayer.

There is a sermon series out by Craig Groeschel called," Dangerous Prayers."

I have been listening to it and God has given me a desire to share some things on this subject.

I have prayed these dangerous prayers since I was about 12 years old. I have a journal full of my young handwriting asking God to Create in me a pure heart and to renew a right spirit within me. I have poured out my heart to God and year after year asked Him to break my heart and to help me see sin and his people the way that He does. I have asked him to keep me soft in a hard world and to help me be brave enough to be different from everyone else in this world. 

I was a foolish and young child. 

I did not know what I was praying....because God heard my prayers and He has answered them...and it has been the most uncomfortable and difficult thing that I have ever walked through.

When we pray these prayers, are we willing to walk them out?

When I prayed for God to break my heart....was I willing to follow Him in complete surrender after He did?

Craig said something powerful in one of those sermons," What if God's greatest blessings come from God's greatest breakings."....and my heart knows just what he meant.

When I was a child, I prayed this prayer because I loved my King and I longed to be as close to His heart as I could get and His Word told me that He was close to the broken hearted....so out of that innocence....I prayed for God to break my heart. To take me out of my comfort zone and not allow me to live with blinders on to the pain of this world. But I didn't have a clue as to what that was going to cost me.

God began this breaking in me even as a child....my parents were foster parents and I saw child after child come and go from our home and my heart would attach to them as siblings, just to see them leave time after time. BUT GOD WAS PREPARING ME.

I saw some of my family struggle with divorce and addictions and it broke my young heart....BUT GOD WAS PREPARING ME.

I saw mental illness in some of my best friends and dearest family members and would cry all night sometimes, asking God to heal them....BUT GOD WAS PREPARING ME.

I went on mission trips with my youth group and saw families struggling to have food, clothes, and basic necessities of life and still to this day pray for some of these families that touched my heart so deeply....BUT GOD WAS PREPARING ME.

I saw people walk away from their faith....some of my friends and some people from church who I loved dearly... and I cried and cried....BUT GOD WAS PREPARING ME.

so my heart broke....

and I thanked God for it...

because even though it hurt so bad, He also gave me deep compassion for each of these situations and He drew me closer to His heart and He deepened my faith little bit by little bit.

Then I met my husband and I just knew that together He and I would be walking life together and God would use us to make a difference....never thinking for a minute that God would break my heart through my marriage. But He did.

My husband struggled with his own brokenness and that brokenness ultimately lead to the brokenness of our family. 

We fostered for years and my heart broke with the stories that came through the hearts of the children and again as often times they went right back into the abusive situation. 

When mental illness began to wreck our world and my daughters world...I WRESTLED AND ARGUED WITH GOD RELENTLESSLY! I begged Him for healing and prayed dangerous and bold prayers for her healing....but it didn't come the way I desired for it to come....instead...my heart broke again.

And then our whole family became focused on rehabs and addiction education as my husband struggled with these things...and I BELIEVED THAT GOD WAS GOING TO HEAL MY HUSBAND AND MY MARRIAGE. I believed it with every core of my body. I was still deeply in love with my husband and even though I was struggling to understand the why of what he was doing, I never doubted the power of God's healing in his life....then he left. 

I call it the Shattering.

It was WAY deeper than a broken heart. It was a shattering of my spirit and my faith....and to be honest I didn't know if I would make it....but as I lay there on that floor day after day, crying until I couldn't breathe....and WRESTLING WITH WHY GOD DIDN'T ANSWER MY PRAYER....AND WHAT I DID WRONG TO MAKE MY HUSBAND LEAVE....AND WHY I WAS SUCH A LOSER THAT I WASN'T WORTH FIGHTING FOR OR LOVING ANYMORE....I wrestled with why my prayers didn't matter to God....and it left me shattered.

So what do you do when you are shattered....all I could do was cry out to God and read His Word. I knew deep in me, that if I didn't cling to Him with everything that I had left....I would not make it through this. The grief was to deep and the sadness so thick that I would pray and ask God to take me home each night or give me the strength for each day....because I just couldn't do it. 

And slowly....so so slowly....God began to show me that HE HAD BEEN PREPARING ME FOR THIS ALL ALONG. 

I didn't like that. I struggled with that. I wasn't ok with it....but I have learned through all those years ago, that my God was faithful!  That my God was real. That my God would never lie to me....and so if His Word said it, then it was true. The Word of God had become a rock in my life by this point. 

But you know what else came with the shattering?

Compassion. Empathy. Boundaries. Genuine love.

Praying dangerous prayers is costly.

It will require more out of you than you can give....but that is where the power of the Holy Spirit comes in. His strength fills your heart with joy and love. 

I have become closely acquainted with grief, sadness, and deep sorrow. 

But I have also become closely acquainted with joy, new beginnings, and a song that God sings over my daughters and I. It is a beautiful song and it brings us joy even in the midst of such pain. His joy is a soothing balm to my heart and I am finding more and more joy in the simple beauty of God's faithfulness to us. It blows me away that He is so gracious and loves us so much!

So my friends....BE BRAVE! PRAY THOSE DANGEROUS PRAYERS!....But know that God hears those prayers because He loves listening to us. Those prayers come with a cost....weigh it out. Talk to God about it...and then I encourage you to bow your head, humble your heart, bend your knee....and pray BIG AND BOLD DANGEROUS PRAYERS.

I have a choice every day to live my life comfortable and "safe".....or to throw myself into the arms of Jesus and trust His Word. It is crazy. It doesn't make sense. But it is how I choose to live. You have that choice too....and I cannot challenge you enough to pray dangerous prayers.

Right now our world needs beautiful hearts ready to stand unafraid in the presence of evil and pray big and bold prayers because WE KNOW WHO WE SERVE!
GREAT IS THE LORD AND WORTHY TO BE PRAISED!...even in the broken. Even in the hard. Even in the unfair. And I pray for my own life....that I will NEVER shy away from dangerous prayers!

5 Practical steps for single moms :)

           
Being a single mom was never on my radar.
I had some friends that were single moms....but not once actually understood what they were going through....until I became one of them.
Life is funny like that....so many times we may "sympathize" with something but unless we walk it ourselves, we cannot "empathize" with their story.
I have been a single mom for a few years now....and at first, I was certain I wouldn't make it. I felt SO stressed every single second of every single day! Absolute truth. I thought I would die. It may sound dramatic....but I am being completely honest. Some night I wasn't sure I wanted to make it to the next day. I was dealing with incredibly deep grief and didn't even know how to express my pain. I had felt betrayed, abandoned, and so embarrassed and ashamed. I had fought so hard for my marriage and truly believed that God was going to redeem it....and He didn't.
I think I felt more betrayed by God than anyone.
And I found myself a single mom.
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know how to handle the stress that I was now under.
I felt like I had lost everything.
My marriage was destroyed.
My relationship with my in-laws who I thought loved me as family was crumbling.
I was a homeschooling mom who needed to put her children in public school now which to me felt like I was losing even more.
I was no longer a stay at home mom and wife....I was needing to figure out how to navigate the work force and become a career woman now....something that terrified me in every way.
I needed to learn how to budget on a minuscule budget and I needed to learn how to do things alone. I felt the weight of the world on me.
What did I fear?
I feared making the wrong choice for my family.
I feared not being "enough" in any area...financially, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
I feared being alone at night.
I feared raising my girls without a dad...I had read all the statistics and knew that it would make them have a greater risk for being abused among other things.
I feared something happening to me and no one to take care of my girls the way I would.
I feared....alot.
During this whole time I believed that God was with me. I believed that He was going to help me....but I still feared alot.

And now here we are a few years down the road....and a corona virus on our hands. Which could mean more fear for some of us single moms.....so I want to give a word of encouragement to those of you who are walking this road as a single parent right now.

Here are 5 practical things that helped me push through my fear and into my faith.

1. Stay in the Word of God. Even when you are mad at God. Even when you don't know where to start or what to read. Even when you aren't sure if you believe it....keep reading it.

2. Stay connected. You will want to isolate. You will want to stop going to church. Stay connected. Find a church that you feel safe in and go even when you cry all the time. Keep going.

3. Get in counseling. You need to be able to talk about what happened to you. You need to have someone help you walk through the grief you will experience. The first year is especially cruel because you experience all the "first" events alone....birthdays, holidays, anniversary....and they can cripple you. Talking about it helps but it needs to be in a safe environment.

4. Get some fresh air and drink water. I'm not even kidding....it may sound weird but I promise that fresh air and water are going to help you. Take a walk each day if you can...even if only for 10 minutes. Set small goals of being healthy such as taking a small walk every day, drinking water every day, eating fruit instead of sugar. These may already be a part of your every day life or they may not be, but if you will make them a priority, it will help your soul breathe and take away a tiny bit of stress each day.

5. DO NOT GET INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP FOR AT LEAST A YEAR. This may not be popular, but my friends let me tell you that I think it is vital. You need to heal and temptation will come because you are lonely and it may seem like a really good idea to quickly get into another relationship....I promise it can wait. I promise if that is the person that God has for you...they will happily wait at least a year for you to heal. When you walk through trauma, you are vulnerable to many dangers and could easily slip into a relationship that "looks good" but isn't going to be good and you don't need more trauma....you will feel so lonely at times but God wants to meet you in that loneliness. When you are so lonely, put on that worship music, grab your Bible and journal and cry out to God. Don't be afraid to be alone. I can attest that God WILL MEET YOUR LONELY HEART. He will be so gentle with it and pour His healing Word into that broken heart and you will begin to heal...but to do that we have to let Him have our hurt instead of us try to cover it up quickly with another relationship. I have seen far to many women jump quickly into another relationship and they haven't allowed their hearts to heal so they bring alot of brokenness with them into that relationship or they accept behavior that they shouldn't because they are just afraid of being alone. It takes courage to be alone and know that God will take care of you....but you can do it! I promise you can.

I can tell you that I have learned SO MUCH in these last few years about myself, my faith, and my God. I have seen the darkest parts of myself and I have seen many weaknesses in my life....but I have also grown in ways that would never have happened unless I had been stripped bare.

The last thing I want to share with you is this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are a part of a single mom community who are here to hep you...step by step navigate through this new world. We are cheering for you and consider it a joy to be a part of your tribe. Single mom's are some of the toughest women I know....and definitely some of the bravest. You may not feel that way right now....but you are.

Wrestling out loud

Believing that God is good...FOR OUR GOOD....can be really hard for me at times. 

Often time I want to see God's Word come to pass BEFORE I believe and rejoice. If only I would believe what He speaks to me and IMMEDIATELY rejoice and obey!

I find myself in such a different spot than I ever imagined I would be in. I always thought I would grow old with my husband and at this point in our lives....nearly 20 years of marriage...we would be sitting on the couch in the evenings together talking about our day....and truly just enjoying each other.
But instead....I find myself sitting on the couch alone.
And still at times it takes my breath away....and I wonder how I got to this spot.

I guess we all have those moments, don't we? When we just sit and think about life...and the choices that led us to where we are.
I have learned to embrace these moments....to truly sit in them and let my heart and mind search. I don't try and stop my feelings but instead just let myself feel them...and in the feeling, I take each emotion and lay it down at the feet of Jesus.
Sometimes it is the emotion of frustration....WHY IS THIS HAPPENING kind of emotion.
Sometimes it is raw pain...I did not want this road and it hurts my heart to walk it.
Other times it is deep grief....I have LOST. That is truth and in that truth there is grief.
And sometimes it is anger...Why is this allowed? Why didn't God change this? Change him? Change me? Why didn't it work out the way I thought it should?

All of these emotions can lead to depression, bitterness, and rooted anger if I don't identify them and face them. Facing our emotions can be so scary! But it can also be such a beautiful exchange between God and me. I lay each emotion at His feet...and in exchange He takes my emotion and gives me peace instead. He takes my anger and exchanges it for joy. He takes my frustration and exchanges it for long suffering and patience. He reaches into the very depth of my heart and takes my deep grief and exchanges it for hope. Each broken emotion that I bring to Him, He takes it so gently and slowly begins the process of untangling it from my heart. He takes the hurt and if I am brave enough to name it....to face it...He traces that emotion back to the root....and He removes the very root of that pain. The most beautiful part of all of it is that He never just takes from me, leaving empty spaces void of anything. He FILLS them with HIS PRESENCE.

I think I will always be learning of His ways, but this is one of my favorite things He has shown me. Because it is such a beautiful exchange between a Father and his daughter. And it is raw and personal. It is me being brave enough to admit that at times I DON"T FEEL good about the story He has written in my life. It is about being honest enough to look into His eyes, knowing He bears the scars of the Cross, and still tell Him this part of the story hurts. It is about trusting Him enough with all of my heart.

Trusting that God has not only allowed this part of the story but also that it is FOR MY GOOD....I wrestle with that. I wrestle that my younger daughters being raised without a dad is for their good. I wrestle that my tears cried and my heart sobs are good for me....I wrestle with all of that. And let's be honest....I wrestle with the unanswered prayers for my husband. I wrestle with why God has not stepped in and spoken truth to my husband instead of letting him slowly destroy himself. I watch in despair and sadness as I see from afar the choices that he continues to make and I see how those choices affect him, my daughters, and myself. Yes, I wrestle with much. Even now....three years into it.

But I also believe.
And so I just choose to be brave this day.
I choose to face the emotion and to know that my God is big enough to handle all of my emotional self!
I choose to believe in the beauty that is still there....and I choose to be grateful. Out loud.
I choose to praise and sing even when my heart is so heavy....I raise my halleluiah in the middle of my "even if" moments.

And sometimes, I just let myself get quiet and I let myself wrestle with all the "I don't understands" that I have inside of me....and I write. I write out my heart and what God is showing me and teaching me in hopes that someone else will read it and realize they are not the only ones wrestling...and that it is ok to wrestle. To question. To wonder....

So maybe this is part of the sanctification process. Maybe this is the part where we are able to peel back the exterior of a world that is hurting and broken and yet acts like they have it all together....and maybe we can just be honest with them. Show them that when we commit our lives to Jesus, it doesn't always go the beautiful way of our dreams. Maybe we can show them how to hurt, how to be angry, how to walk through betrayal and pain....how to be blind sided by grief....and STILL BELIEVE. Maybe that is part of the story as well....because after all....that is what Jesus did for us didn't He? He showed us how to walk out each of our different emotions, and simply cry out to God through them. He showed us how to surrender them....and have an exchange with the Father in them.

This is my prayer. That through all of this....Jesus will be seen in my every moment.
Because then all of it makes a little more sense.
Maybe there is something holy in the wrestling that I do....
Maybe all of this is allowed so that JESUS can be seen in all of it. And maybe....someone out there is watching us, and because we aren't afraid to be honest about our story, they commit their lives to Jesus.
Maybe that is part of this whole story.....
Maybe redemption does come....but for someone that I don't even know about yet.
Maybe redemption will be the very best part of this story after all.

Toady is Sunday my friends!

Today is Sunday my friends.
To be honest, Sundays have been a struggle for me for so so SO long. Being a single mom, I have all the reasons why I am tired or just not feeling it today....but each week we get up and we go.
Sometimes it was nothing but obedience to God that got me out of the house on Sunday. Because it's hard.
The families.
The husbands and wives.
The parents helping each other out and sitting next to each other in church.
It all felt so catered to the "couples" or the "college and single" groups...and I felt so lost in all of it. It was a constant reminder of what once was...and what I thought would be...
You see....my heart has always found beauty in the church.
Singing with hands raised or knees bowed, hands held together as the preacher prays, the beautiful sound of the pages of the Bible rustling as each person searches for the truth being shared...and I always KNEW I was called to be involved in ministry, but when my husband left, I felt he took that part of me away.
But I want to be obedient to God and I want to teach my daughters the value and importance of being part of a church family...even when it is hard. I want to teach them to go even if they don't "feel it".
Some Sundays are easier and full of joy.
Others I struggle through each part of it.
Because grief is a funny thing that comes in weird ways at times.

Here's the thing though...I know that the enemy loves to destroy and rob...he takes away things. And I refused to give him this part of myself. He had already taken so much away from the girls and I that I clung to and fought hard for this one thing...to stay connected to the Church. It wasn't easy....still isn't to be honest. The introvert  in me is comfortable with being alone and so reaching out is harder for me. As I wrestled with these feelings and was just honest with God about how I felt....I would whisper to Him that I will be obedient and go....but it was a struggle at first especially!
I can say now...three years into it...that the enemy does not get to take my purpose away. No matter how much he "took" from me....the loss of being a stay at home mom, the loss of homeschooling, the loss of being a wife to someone I loved dearly,...you get the picture :) He could not take away my purpose unless I handed it to him.
I still have a purpose. God still has dreams for me and plans for me. He still has dreams and plans for you. Nothing has changed that!! This part of the story was already written into our chapters, we just hadn't gotten there yet.
Maybe you are facing or have faced loss....epic loss that took your breath away and made you feel like you were free falling down a pit of despair that never seemed to end...I know what you have felt. I know the pain that has pierced your soul...and I know it can be hard to refocus with clarity and hope. So I hope I encourage you to never stop pursuing Jesus. Never stop being obedient to the One who gave His life up for you...His beloved and adored one...because He LONGS to have a relationship with you that is deep and intimate.
I can say that sometimes just getting up and doing....each week...day after day....opening your Bible and reading His Truth. Getting dressed and going into the church, even though you sit in the back and tremble because of the awkwardness of it all....you KEEP going. You KEEP reading. You KEEP on....there is freedom and hope that comes with that faithfulness. God has such a beautiful way of weaving the physical and spiritual together and something happens when you just stay faithful in the smallest of things...like going to church.

Today is Sunday my friends!
A beautiful day that dawns a new week.
A beautiful moment to sit beside sisters and brothers who each have their own struggle...and we get to lift our hands up together and sing loud whether we hit the right notes or not! We get to bend our knee and cry our tears and we get to look around at the other people right there alongside of us...and KNOW that it was just as hard for some of them to walk through those doors as it was for you. We get to see brave and broken all in the same room together. We get to close our eyes and hear the whisper of the angels as they worship alongside those brave and broken souls.
Today is Sunday my friends!
A day like no other day.
A day that is meant to be sacred.
A day that is a gift to share.
A day where hearts are changed and minds are drawn to the Creator.
So let's rejoice in this day!
Let's stay faithful and true...never wavering in our love for Jesus...no matter what may come.

Wounds of healing

Healing.
I have heard this word over and over and usually accompanied by the words," it just takes time."
I have come to dislike those words.
I have also come to a place where I realize that even healing has its own wounds. Healing is not a magical spot that once you "arrive" all the pain goes away and you are "fixed" from the hurt of whatever you are healing from.
Healing is a process of surrender. It is coming to a place where each day you surrender to the knowledge that life is not going as planned. You surrender to the process of surrender. That sounds way more complicated than it actually is.
Life is difficult at times to say the least and it can be going along in a beautiful way just for in mere seconds a shift in the whole universe causes your world to fall apart. It can happen in so many different ways.
A phone call.
A picture.
A video.
A moment.
And the shattering happens....just like that.
It will take your breath away and you will wonder if you will make it.

You will.
It will take a long time for you to really believe that.
Don't rush it.
Give yourself time to cry.
Give yourself time to grieve.
Give yourself time to be completely and utterly disappointed that life did not go as planned.
Give yourself time to face the jagged remains of what was once your heart...your dreams...even at times your soul.
Healing has its own wounds.
The wounds are their own healing.....for without them, you would not grow. You would not be able to look at this world differently.
Those of us who walk wounded....which is all of us at some point in our lives, we have a choice to make.
Stay wounded.
Or let the wounds heal...but let beauty grow from their scars.
It really is that simple....and it really is that hard.
We need to allow people to verbalize their pain. We need to allow people to say that things didn't go as planned....because even in the verbalizing of it, healing can come. We need to meet people right where they are in the middle of the really ugly moment and we don't need to tell them what to say, feel, or think....but instead we just stay beside them. We make sure they know they are not alone. We let them cry, rage, curse if they need too.....we let them heal....slowly if necessary.
God is not afraid of my pain. He doesn't look away or tell me I need to move on.
He DOES allow me to feel....and feel hard sometimes.
Sometimes the very breath you breathe is hard to feel....and the shards of our heart jab our spirit with each breath.
I get it.
I have felt it.
I have also been at the crossroads of healing.
Do I turn my heart off so I don't have to hurt anymore?
Or do I allow myself to feel this pain....trusting that God is growing beauty from it?
I am the only one that can answer that.
You are the only one that can answer the cry of your own heart?
So will you stop it from beating so that you save yourself from pain?
Or do you let it beat....throbbing at times....trusting that with each painful throb....something beautiful is coming?
For me....I choose beauty.
And I know it comes with a cost.
It will require my heart....my tears...and it will hurt.
But what will come from that pain, is something so beautiful that every second of the pain will be worth it.
It may not feel that way right now.
I get it.
But my dear friend....even when your heart is breaking....BELIEVE IN THE BEAUTIFUL.
God is at work in these scar filled hearts of ours.
God is orchestrating a melody and symphony that will capture the darkness you feel and turn it into a bright and powerful light for the one behind you just beginning their journey.
God is growing these tired and worn out hearts into something captivating.
We just have to BELIEVE IN THE BEAUTIFUL....really and deeply believe.

New adventures yet again....

There have been several things that have happened lately that have kind of taken my breath away....things that I have prayed against much of my adult life....and I have had to learn how to adjust to these seemingly unanswered prayers.
Now before we go on, let me just say that these things I write about are my convictions. They are not meant to be yours nor do I judge or condemn if they are not yours....because as you will see as you read through this, even my own convictions have been challenged so much in these last few years.

So....Let's see......where do I start.....


Most of you reading this know me. You know that I have very strong convictions and that I can be fiercely determined when it comes to what I believe in. I have always believed in homeschooling my children, staying at home and taking care of my home and my husband, being involved in my community and truly desiring to make a change in the world around me.

I loved all of these things and took great pride in them. Being at home with my girls and volunteering at different places within our community gave my heart a safe place and I felt like I was living out my calling. I loved taking care of my home and having supper on the table when my husband got home from work....because that was what I was called to do. And I delighted in that calling.

Then one day...the world kind of fell apart. Everything changed.
I lost the ability to be a stay at home mom. I desperately clung to homeschooling my girls and tried for two years to keep the "normal" going.....but it wasn't normal anymore. Things had changed and I refused to change with them. I was so scared guys....because I felt like I was losing my calling.

Have you ever felt like you have completely lost your calling? Like everything you thought you knew was the right way to go, turned out to be a mirage of sorts....and you were left standing in a room of memories that you didn't even know how to sort out. What was truth? What was lies? What was real? What was always just a fantasy?

It is one of the scariest feelings in the world....at least for me it was.

Then you come to the realization that things ARE GOING to change. One way or the other....whether you like it or not.

I had to make some decisions and I wrestled and wrestled with those decisions! I DID NOT want to send my girls to public school. I'm not against public school....I just felt strongly about my calling to home school.

And I did not understand how God could call me to home school just to change His mind later in the game.

Sigh....God has a way of doing things that I just can't figure out. His ways are definitely NOT my ways. And to be honest....sometimes trusting Him is hard. I sometimes look around and think," Are you seeing this God?" " Are you sure You have a plan that is good that involves this pain and hurt?"
It can be hard to process at times....how the God of the universe who has every ability to stop pain, instead, uses pain for our good. It hard to understand that at times....but I'm learning.

Anyway, so this year we have made another huge change for our family. I am sending my girls to public school. It has not been an easy decision and I have struggled with it for quite awhile, however, in the surrender of yet another dream of "my plan"....peace comes.

I walked through the High school with my girls and prayed as we walked through....I saw beautiful students walking around just as nervous and excited as my girls. I saw students who would make good choices and students who would make bad choices. I saw teachers who genuinely were excited to see their students back and talked to counselors and principals who truly loved and cared for these kids. I heard of teachers and principals who also viewed this school as their mission field. And I think God began to change my eyesight....He started opening my eyes to the good that could be.

Sometimes we all have these convictions. These deliberate and thought out choices that we make a stand on and feel very strongly about. Those are good to have and we all need to stand strong in our convictions and learn how to be firm in them....even as we learn how to be flexible in the Holy Spirit.
You see, I also am incredibly firm in my belief that God is sovereign in all things. That means that when pain or hurt comes along....God is still sovereign in it. That means that when a life change happens that completely takes our breath away, God is still sovereign. His sovereignty is NEVER based on my circumstances. Nor are they based on how I feel about a situation :)

So...there I was, walking through the halls of a huge high school and praying for my girls. At one point I felt the tears pop in my eyes and had to swallow them down quickly. Those were the tears of someone still struggling with not getting her way. At the same time, I hear God whisper to my heart," Do you trust me Brandi?" I wanted to quickly retort with," yeah but...."....however I just got real quite inside. I came home and went into my war room and cried for a bit...but hey...I cry over everything and that's ok ;) I asked God to give me wisdom....and strength...and peace. I asked Him to bring up a verse that would speak to my heart and let me know that everything is ok.

In true God fashion, He began to bring up verse after verse of how He will never leave my girls.
How He loves them more than I do.
How He formed them from day one with a specific plan.
A plan that He knew would include this moment in their life.
How He has sealed them for His glory.
How He has surrounded them with specific warrior angels.
How He created the starts and sun and moon....and my girls are dear to His heart even more than those things.
How He had given me precious moments to train them and teach them and now it was time for them to live out what I had taught them.
He showed me Moses...who's mom only had a few years with him before letting him go into Pharaoh's house and how God had always known the plan for Moses....even when his momma did not.
He showed me Samuel and how He was only with his mom for a very small timeframe before he too had to go and live out his calling.
He showed me young Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.and how they were taken from their homes and put it into a place that none of them wanted....and yet....God already had a plan for them there.

Ultimately, it really did boil down to that one simply terrifying question," Do you trust me Brandi?"

Honestly, I feel like this question has been asked of me so many times by Him over the last few years....and I always answer yes. Because I DO trust Him....even though I DON'T always understand Him. And this time is going to be no different.

The girls are I have a new adventure ahead...for some of you reading this, you may be shaking your heads and thinking it's not that big of a deal...and for others reading this, you may be thinking that I have lost my marbles to allow this....LOL.
Ultimately....I'm just doing the best I can. I'm just moving forward each day and praying that somehow in the long run, it's all going to turn out ok. I'm just praying that God will continue to be Sovereign...and He will.
I'm praying that I will continue to learn to trust His heart more and more....
I'm praying that I will not be in my comfort zone.(although I LOVE my comfort zone and miss it so badly at times), it is when I am completely unsure of myself that I really have to trust the God I serve. I have to trust that His Word is true.
I have to trust that He is good. Always.

I just want to walk through this life honest with people. Honest about the struggle. Honest about how shaky my faith can be at times. Honest that life isn't always easy....and honest that sometimes I doubt and cry and complain and wonder what in the heck is going on....
But I also want to be honest about the God I serve.
Because He has never once broken His Word to me.
He has never once proved Himself unfaithful to my girls and I.
He has never once been shaken by something that has shaken my world.
He has never once been surprised by my pain, or my insecurities.
He has always loved me exactly as I am and where I am.
He has always continued to push me into deeper waters where I cannot touch and where I have no other choice but to trust that He will be there...and He always is.
I serve Jehovah. And Jehovah is worthy of being praised even when I am unsure of where all this is going to go....

This year could be amazing for my girls....it could be terrible....I honestly don't know which way it is going to go. I DO KNOW that God will be with them. I DO KNOW that if God is for them, I don't need to worry about who is against them. I DO KNOW that they will have opportunity to make choices this year....like we all do. And those choices are already known by God.
I also do know that I will be praying ALOT through this year.....and that at times I might get a little emotional. I'm still processing everything that I have had to give up....and at times it is still very hard on my heart. I'm still trying to figure out the," now what" part of life....now what is my calling? What is my purpose? What is the plan? What am I going to be when I grow up kind of thing....because everything I ever thought would be...isn't.
I'm still trying to figure out how all of this is going to be for my good and the good of my girls....and I'm still trying to understand so many broken things. No matter what though....I stand firm on what God's Word says. I believe and will not let the enemy steal my faith or my joy.

So maybe you are going through some big changes as well....things that you are wondering about....and maybe together, we can just walk through life being honest and raw with each other and learning to encourage and uplift each other...even when we may not understand any of it ourselves. Maybe we can teach our children that we don't always have it together or all figured out either...but we do serve a God who does.