Saying good-bye...and hello.

This has been the hardest year of my life. It has been full of grief that has went so deep into the very core of my spirit. It has taken away much from me that left me feeling less than a whole person. It has been full of tears, begging, praying, crying out, and standing firm....it has been hard. Really, really hard. I have watched my daughters struggle with questions that I could not answer and I have seen each of them searching....some leaning towards the heart of the Father, some anything but the heart of the Father....and it has been hard.

I have spent this entire year standing firm and believing that God would redeem and restore what the enemy was fighting so hard to destroy. I prayed, fasted, had others pray, believed and waited....and waited...and things just kept getting worse and worse. It began to unravel faster and faster until here I sit...on the last day of the year 2017....and I am ready to say good-bye.

I am ready to say good-bye to dreams that have died. Good-bye to prayers that have changed from praying for restoration to prayers of strength to walk away.  My marriage has been kept on life support for years because I wouldn't accept what was shown to me over and over in the actions of my husband. I have prayed against my husband's free will for a long time....not wanting him to have free will but instead wanting God to "force" him to love us....and I am saying good-bye to that. My husband does have free will just like I do....and ultimately, do I really want to be "loved" by someone who is forced to do so? No! Of course not!! I want to be chosen....and I have not been chosen by my husband in many years. So it is time to say good-bye. It is time to let go....and trust that God can work all kinds of things out that are impossible to me and so if ever there is a day when my husband chooses me again....I guess we will see.

Because there is something else God has shown me through this terrible year....He is faithful. He chooses me. Every day. He loves me just because He wants too...and HE see's value in me and in my daughters. He has opened my eyes to see that not every person is going to see my value or worth...or my daughters. I think that all men...and women....have a choice. We each get to decide every day who we serve. Ourselves or others. Satan or God. I know many of you will say it isn't that simple....but yes it is. You are serving one of them right now...you were created to serve. So you do....you have a master....and only you know who that is. But one thing I have learned is that you cannot say you love the King and live for the enemy....or yourself. It won't work. Your fruit will be rotten and you will only be able to sustain it for a small time before it reveals itself. If you are not connected to the vine....Jesus....and if you do not lean into His Word....you will live for yourself and it will cost you....and your family....greatly.

The girls and I have lost a lot this year. We have lost friends, trust, things, love, and security.....but we have also found a lot this year. We have found reliance on God for ALL things. We have found peace in the middle of giant waves crashing over us. We have found laughter in each other. We have found the ability to dance again, play again, dream again....and we have found hope that we didn't even know existed. We have found truth and we have determined that we wouldn't believe anymore lies. We have rooted ourselves in truth and in that we have found strength. We have found friends that have become family. We have found that it is ok to ask for help....( I'm still working on this one but getting better every day!) We have found that we can still have adventures, joy, excitement and love....even in the midst of great sorrow. We have found how free crying can make you feel. We have found a tenderness toward each other that would never have been there had we not walked through all of this together. Trauma does a number on your heart and spirit and we have walked through a lot of trauma....and in that I have seen a faith in my younger girls that leaves me humbled to be their mom. I have seen Christ grow these tiny daughters into fierce, young warriors who know the Word of God and stand bravely to speak it even when it is hard. We have found a joy in each other that can only come from going through really hard times with each other. When you have lost so much....and yet....you realize just how much you have in each other....it makes you grateful. W have found a gratefulness for just about everything. We have seen the hand of God over us, and we have heard His whispers of love, and we have felt His very presence in our lives....and it has given us grateful hearts.

I have found that I am capable of living on my own! Who knew?! I went straight from my parents home to my husbands and I have never lived on my own and I doubted my ability to do so more than anything else....but I am doing it! I am capable of making good choices that keep my family secure. I am learning that I underestimated myself alot and I allowed others to make me feel as though I wasn't smart or pretty or good enough for them....and it did a number on my spirit....but this year has been healing in that area as well! I have stopped believing the lies that I "can't" do it....and I have started speaking truth to myself. God says I can do ALL THINGS....so I do. I just believe His Word....I stop making it so complicated and messy and I just believe what it says. His Word covers how we are to live our lives in great detail....and for believers, our lives are to be lived different from this world. So I live differently. You may agree or disagree with that, but it really doesn't matter does it? Because it isn't about what you think....it is about God's Truth. And me living that truth out to the best of my ability. I have walked this road as openly as I could because I want others to know that we all struggle! We all sin and then sin again and we mess up and then mess up again....but we strive for holiness. In all we do. In all we say. In how we live....and it is hard. Really hard sometimes! But we keep being honest, we keep being real, and we just keep pressing into the heart of our King....this isn't about perfection....never that. This is about who I serve....and Who motivates me to live life true to my calling....

So we say hello to this next year and all that it holds for us.....and we say good-bye to all of last years torment and pain. We let go of trying to "force" people into what we believe is the right way for them to live....and we allow them to make their own choices and live their life the way they want, even if we know it will end in pain. We don't control it...or them. We let their choices be between them and God. We set it aside, let go, turn our faces up to the Heavens, and take a step forward....always forward. For we have learned that looking back only brings sorrow....but feeling the fresh wind of hope and change on our faces, brings us joy and wonder at what is waiting ahead! We dream of the future and what it holds for us. We feel our spirits lift within us at knowing that God has some exciting plans ahead for us. For we KNOW that God has good for us. We know that what lies ahead is for our good and His glory....and we step bravely into that.

This song has been one of our favorites and this is what we commit to do this next year...chase after our King! With all this is within us!!

A letter to Abba Father.

Dear Abba Father,

     How do I write this to You? How do I explain the bitter ache in my heart and the questions blowing in and out of my mind constantly? 

Why haven't You done a miracle? 

Why haven't You released all of Heaven on behalf of my husband? 

Why haven't You heard my heart shattering day after day? 

What haven't I done?! I have asked and pleaded and begged You my King, to do something. I have stood firm when everyone around me said to leave....and I have bruised and bloody knees from falling to them so much. I have fought hard my Lord....I have done everything I know to do....and yet....I am sitting here without my husband. I still listen to the cries of my little one because she misses her daddy and I still fall asleep at night crying myself because I miss my husband. 

What do I do with this pain? Where do I put it?! My heart aches....my breathing hurts...and my eyes are constantly fighting back the tears because this ISN"T they way it was suppose to go. It isn't the way that Your Word promises....

so why am I here? 

Why do You want me to walk through this? 

Why won't You reach down deep into the pit and pull my husband out?! 

I don't know what else to do?

I have done everything I know....and it hasn't changed anything.

I am still alone. 

I shouldn't be here....alone...after 17 years of marriage.

I should be singing Your praise for all that You have done IN MY MARRIAGE...but instead am crying aching sobs because it isn't suppose to be this way. 

If my prayers matter to You....if You hold every tear in Your bottles...if You fight FOR marriage....than why am I here today? 

I stood firm on what You told me to stand firm on.

I fought for my husband....

I loved him when my heart was ripped out time and time again....

So why....

Why do You still say for me to pray and fight? Have I not fought? Have I not given up all of my adult life to fight for a man who wants nothing to do with me?! 

My very soul hurts right now....

This isn't about not trusting You. This isn't about not believing in You. I will always trust You and believe in You....this is about Your daughter not understanding. I don't understand where my authority is. I don't understand why the enemy is winning in my husband's heart?! I don't understand...but I still trust You. Still I sing Your praises....still I bow before You and still I am willing to walk through whatever You ask of me....but please know Abba Father, that my knees are trembling....my heart is thudding in my chest....and my eyes are quick to fill with tears. But yet....I still believe Your Word. I KNOW You are fighting on behalf of my husband. I KNOW You are pursuing him....and I surrender to Your timing. Your will. Your way....

I do not stand in fear of the enemy who is seeking to destroy my husband. I stand boldly and wage war against the enemy through the power of Your Word! I hold up my sword....Your Word....and I use it with Your authority my King! I hold You to Your promises....but even if this doesn't end the way I pray....I still trust You. Please strengthen your daughter's heart....and my faith....may it grow even more. Show me how to be bold for You and how to stand in the gap. I love You Father...my Jevoah-Sabboath. My Redeemer. My Peace. My hope....and only through Your power will I be able to stand this....so please....be strong in me my King. I will do my best to live out this journey with grace and gentleness like You have called me to do. I will speak Your truth into my life, my daughter's lives, and my husband's life. I will praise no matter the tears or the shattering of my heart....and I will honor You with everything I am. For You are my God and I will always follow You....no matter how deep the water may seem.

https://www.amazon.com/Praying-Your-Husband-Head-Scripture-Based/dp/160142471X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1512342220&sr=8-1&keywords=praying+for+your+husband+head+to+toe

The broken spirit: it is mine.

I have been sad. A sadness that I have never experienced before had washed over me and I didn't know what to do with it....so I will write about it...for sometimes, when I put thought to paper, it begins to make a little more sense....I guess we will see.

I just celebrated my 38th birthday back in August. By far the hardest one I have ever celebrated. Why? Because a few months ago, I asked my husband to move out....and something happened in my spirit this time....it broke.

We are coming upon 4 months now of my husband living apart from us and the grief has only gotten worse. Tears will pop up in my eyes at any moment and I have had more breakdowns on my bathroom floor then I can even count. I keep wondering why is it so hard this time? My husband has struggled with addictions for all 17 years of our marriage and has relapsed countless times before...so what is different this time?

I feel betrayed by my King. That's what is different. Even writing these words down I realize how crazy they sound. I know He hasn't betrayed me for one second....but it "feels" like He has! Ever since I was six and asked Christ to be my Lord, I have lived only for Him. I have loved serving Him and honoring Him with my choices and my words. I have considered it a joy to be His servant and I have fallen in deep love with His Word....but it has cost me....greatly....and something happened this time in my spirit as it broke....the shattering opened a door to doubt.

I started doubting God's promises. I had been faithful! I had honored His commandments! So why was everything falling apart again? Why were my children falling away? Why was my husband still giving in to the demon of lying and allowing those lies to destroy us? So many doubts....and tears. I was so sad in my heart because of my own doubts and fears and grief. I know what the Bible says about going through difficult times! I am suppose to be praising and counting it all joy! I am suppose to be reflecting to the world that God is still in control and that I am trusting Him to provide for all of my needs....I know these things....but I don't feel them as truth. Because the truth is that my heart is broken. I am broken. Everything seems difficult and even walking around in a store seems impossible. I can't find the joy....no matter how hard I look. My grief is a wall around me and when I try to find the joy.... I start to doubt everything in my life. I doubt my emotions. I doubt my worth. I doubt my value and I doubt my purpose. I doubt my beauty. I doubt my words. I doubt my actions and I doubt my abilities. I doubt everything that is me....I doubt my discernment and I doubt my wisdom. I doubt my prayers....I am full of doubt and that breaks my heart. I know my King! I know His heart and I know His passion for me! I know how much He has given for me....His EVERYTHING. I know He fights for me. I know He speaks on my behalf. I know He avenges me and I know He is faithful to me. SO WHY AM I STRUGGLING? Why can't I wake up and choose joy and smile and sing through each day? Why does it feel like the enemy is winning?! I know the truth! And yet......the grief.

 I have prayed and prayed and asked God to reveal to me why this is...what my problem is? This is what I have learned from the Holy Spirit who has revealed these things to my heart:

1. I am grieving sin. I am grieving that the ones I love so dearly are choosing sin over my King. It breaks me. It undoes me. My loved ones have walked away from their calling....their King....and it grieves me unbearably.
2. I am angry at the enemy for deceiving those I love.
3. I am angry at my loved ones who know the truth and yet choose to turn a blind eye and walk away from my Beloved.
4. I am grieving my dreams...what I thought would be. I am sad that my reality is my worst nightmare and I am sad that my children have such pain written into their story already. It makes my heart so very sad for them.
5. I have alot to learn about God's will....the way He pursues good for us when it feels so very wrong. The way He writes pain into my story....for my good and His glory. The enemy didn't write my story....my King did. Jesus allowed my suffering...continues to allow my suffering and my daughters suffering....FOR MY GOOD AND HIS GLORY. I have a very hard time understanding this, much less liking it.

Those are just a few of the things that I have been shown. Things that have peeled back the pain in my heart to let me see the beating underneath....and with each heartbeat there is a learning...a seeking of understanding the heart of God. I may not be able to understand but no matter what....I will praise my King. I am truly on broken knees, shaking and trembling before Him....afraid of what He will allow next...but I will not stop speaking His name....Jesus....Jesus....Jesus. My King and my Redeemer. My Lord and my El-Shaddai, My Yewah and my Jehovah Jeriah.

I don't want people to just always think that because we are "believers", we always choose joy. I am human. I struggle with pain, coveting, depression, and doubt. I wrestle with my theology and what God's Word says at times. I want to runaway at times and I want to go home more often than not. I am human. And it is in that humanness that I am met by the King. I cannot control someone else's lying tongue or fake facade....but I can surrender ALL of my control...my will, my thoughts, my dreams, my plans, my actions, my prayers, my everything....to MY KING.

So I do.

I cry...alot. I fall to my knees and I beg God to do something to change the heart of my loved ones. I stay awake all night many nights praying and begging God to give me the strength I need to stand firm. I lash out at the enemy and bind and gag his minions of demonic spirits that are active in my family. I walk the halls of my home and weep for what the very walls tell. I leave stores sometimes because I am about to have a breakdown and weep for what should be...and isn't. I write in my journal like a madwoman to try and get all the emotions out of me and on paper. I rub my tiny daughter's back and whisper God's anointing over her. I soothe my 12 year old's hair back from her eyes full of tears and pain, and I just listen....and we cry together and we pray together. I go into my 15 year old's room at night at the sound of her heart breaking and her tears falling and I hold her and sing to her. And I pray. How I pray!! It is a constant state of prayers that never end....a constant war being waged in the spiritual....and I surrender. I throw up my hands and I fall on my bathroom floor and I surrender....over and over again. I am human. I am a daughter of the King. The two wage war in my very chest....

I don't know how this story ends. I pray that God will be glorified in my every moment. I pray that when I finally go home, I am welcomed with ," well done, my good and faithful servant." I pray those I meet know they are loved and cherished in my heart. I pray my husband knows that I have always seen what God has called him to be. I pray that my daughter's knows they are wanted and loved by me....but especially by their King. I pray that I have touched a heart and left a light behind....that as my light fades away from this world....I have passed it on to someone else who shines it even brighter. I pray that my children know that all things spiritual exist. The demons and the angels....are here....but they do not force us to make any decisions. Those are ours to own. I pray that there is a scroll in heaven that has my story written in it and that it is a good and faithful story...and that my Father is proud of me. I pray that I will learn to rejoice even in the midst of my shattered heart. I pray I will be authentic and real in being human and that I won't pretend with people that all is well when things aren't well. I pray that I will be brave. I pray I will be kind. I pray I will love and I will keep a soft heart in this cruel world. I pray that I will fearlessly make known the gospel!

Grief is here...for now. But I am promised that it will not always be like this. I am promised that a new day with new mercies is coming. I will stand firm on His promises....because that is all I have. I have given up my entire life with joy to serve my King. I will not turn back because things aren't going the way I think they should. I know my Redeemer lives! I know He is coming back for me and when that day finally gets here....I will be home in Heaven. All of these moments will be but a moment in my eternity which is sealed in glory! And all of this grief is worth every tear and every shattering of my heart when I at last see my beautiful King's eyes....how I long for that moment! I will keep my eyes focused on that moment....the one yet to be but surely coming....the one where at last everything on this journey makes sense and it all comes together with me at His feet....and then...at His table....

I feel the sun....just starting to warm my broken heart. I feel the peace that cannot be explained and I feel the stirrings of joy deep within the shattered pieces....I am learning that in great grief can come great healing and even great joy. That is the beauty of my King. So I trust Him. I trust Him with all of these pieces of my shattered spirit and weary heart and I praise Him! I praise Him for that warmth that is now on my face....and I praise Him for this journey. For without walking all of this, I would have missed a piece of my Father's heart!

Making memories that count.

Summer is almost over....I can't believe it! This summer has flown by for our family for sure. At times, I have caught myself running hectic through each day trying to get all the " things" done that "need" to be done in a day...can anyone relate?!

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves and teach our children that some of the best memories every are those of moments....not things. The moments are what we always remember, isn't it? I know I do! I want my children to remember our family moments of praying around the table, playing card games late into the night, and sitting around a bonfire giggling and sharing stories!

This is a great tool that literally takes about the time it would take for you to check your facebook, to print off and put together....and boom!.....moments ready to cherish forever. One of my favorite things about this link below is that it takes all the hard parts of being creative away and just helps me spend time with my family! Because sometimes I am crazy busy running after my 6 children that I want to have special moments but I am just to tired to think how to do it! This takes care of that part for me :)  I love that!!
 I love spending quality time with my family. I love that we're free from the distractions of daily life. I love campfires. I love s'mores. I hate getting ready for camping. I'm absolutely positive we would go camping more if the packing process wasn't such a pain. There's just so much to remember! Packing everything from the food to essential tools to ways to keep the kids busy makes for a stressful day, but I think we're finally going to get outside and camp more because I found this really useful printable pack from The Dating Divas. Their Family Camping Trip Kit is going to make it so much easier to get everyone and everything ready for some family bonding in the great outdoors!

If you want to camp more with your family and make it easy, this set is perfect because with the Family Camping Trip Kit, you get:

Camping Binder with a packing checklist and to-do list.
Camping Menu to make meal planning easy.
Camping Games for some fun family bonding around the campfire.
Scavenger Hunt to keep the kids entertained around the camp site.
Campfire S'mores Kit to make the BEST part of camping an even bigger treat!

One of the best things about camping is that it's an inexpensive getaway for anyone. So if you're ready to plan a stress-free trip for your family, grab the Family Camping Trip Kit today!
Can't get away somewhere...that's ok! Because you just go into your backyard or front yard...and boom! Camping is done!

Our family may not be wealthy or take dream vacations to anywhere in the world....but we do take time to stop and create moments with each other that we will all remember for all of our lives. And it's worth it....this is truly the only way to slow down time....but being fully present and engaged in the moment....and then the moment just kind of wraps itself around the heart and stays there forever.

I hope you enjoy this link! I would love to hear your feedback on it if you try it!

http://thedatingdivas.affiliatedash.com/a/FCTP/beautifulheart

 
   

Written by hand....and heart.

In our tech savvy world where everything is online or by text or email....where our children capture their memories on facebook, twitter, instagram or snapchat just to name a few....we have somehow lost the beauty of writing.

We have forgotten the joy or running to the mailbox and getting that special letter from a special someone. And we have missed out on sitting around and looking through old photos of family and friends and then spending hours creating photo books and special scrapbooks that we cherish always.

It's easy to do....but we can also slow time down by simply being in the moment and writing a simple note. It can be a sweet thought or it could be a favorite memory. It could be an encouragement or so many other things....things that grab a hold of our heart and just sink in. Taking the time to sit down and write a note to someone doesn't just bring joy to the one receiving that note....but the one writing it is taking time to sit...think...write...be. It means they have taken time away from our always busy schedule to think about someone else. It means that they will have something to hold onto and read again and again and even pass on to their families. The smallest note can bring huge amounts of joy to someone's heart.

I still have notes and letters from many years back that my girls love to pull out and read. I still try to write my girls and my husband handwritten notes...but if you struggle to do this and don't even know where to start....this is for you!

I hope you enjoy this super fun link :)

http://thedatingdivas.affiliatedash.com/a/OWLKFP/beautifulhea

<a href="http://thedatingdivas.affiliatedash.com/a/OWLKFP/beautifulheart"> <img src="http://www.thedatingdivas.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Open-When-Letters-for-Kids-Rectangle.jpg" alt="Open When Letters For Kids" data-pin-url="http://thedatingdivas.affiliatedash.com/a/OWLKFP/beautifulheart" data-pin-description="" /> </a>


   

Do you see?

What do you see Father?

What do you see when you look at me?

What do you see when you look at them?....at us?

Do you see our pain and agony?

Do you see our raw savage ugliness?

Do you see deep into our hearts?

Do you see the longing for sin that pulls us over and over again.....

Do you see the tears flowing down as we carve out another scar?

Do you see the shoulders heaving up and down from sobs so deep?

Do you see past the fake smile and into the scar-ridden heart?

Do you see beauty when looking on my face?

Do you see worth?

Do you see a slave or someone free?

Do you see my chains that held me so tightly?

Do you see a face smeared with dark shadows?

Or do you see a face rinsed free?

Do you see?

Do you see a son or daughter who throws themselves at Your feet?

Do you see a heart redeemed?

Do you see the cross on which You gave Your all for me?

Do you see...all of me?

Do You see the broken pieces....and still love me?

How can this be?!

How can your eyes light up so much when you come near me?

How can your heart long after mine?

How can you speak such truth into my heart, the way you do....

Your grace....your grace.....it covers me.

It covers my pain and my dark secrets.....

It reaches into the most brokenness of places....and covers me.

Your grace.....will I ever understand it?!

Can you teach me Father please?

Help me to see....

the way that you see.

Cut right open: when loving hurts.

It is hard to explain what happens INSIDE of the spirit of a person as they continually surrender to Jesus. It is something that this world cannot explain and something that leaves people in a baffled state...the world and even other believers sometimes are left asking how can someone forgive "that sin" or why would they stay in that marriage? Why do they not "stand up for themselves", Why do they keep putting up with this? How can they possibly be happy or at peace in THAT situation? How can they keep on loving that person? How can they keep on believing in that person? On and on the questions go because it is truly unbelievable at times the strength and power that God gives you when you surrender to Him.

I have walked through the last few years cut right open...bearing my pain and heart to all....our family has walked through some really tough times and I get asked ALOT about joy, pain, forgiveness,....hope. It is hard to walk through life vulnerable. I have wanted to retreat at times and hide....just shut my heart right up so that no one has to know what it is experiencing....and at times I have. At times it has been a war against MY will versus my Father's Will....and I have not always surrendered willingly. Because being vulnerable is hard. Being open and honest can hurt because not everyone understands and certainly doesn't always agree...and people are all to willing to share their opinions on why you are doing it wrong :)...in love of course ;)


So let me say this....I don't always have the answers. I don't always have joy in my heart. I don't always choose the right thing or the unselfish thing. I struggle with sin and selfish motives and thoughts daily. I struggle with walking by faith and needing to know now.....every day. But here is something God continually is teaching me....I am a daughter of THE KING OF KINGS! Because I have accepted that role that was freely given to me, I was also given a gift of citizenship to Heaven and even better than that....I was given the very Spirit of God that came and now dwells within me. So now I have ALL the equipping I need to stand firm when I want to run, to forgive when I want to hate, to smile when I want to frown, to love those that don't deserve love by this worlds definition, to see the world differently....and I want too! How I want too!!

So now, every day, it is a moment of surrender for me. Surrendering my eye sight for His, my tiny ability to love those that "deserve it" for His ability to love everyone no matter what, my bitterness and resentment for His forgiveness....and on and on. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to do these things on my own....absolutely impossible. But through surrender....which basically means every day I wake up with hands wide open, heart cut open, ready to love through HIS power....not mine. I lean INTO the brokenness....not away from it. I trust in the truth that God will make ALL THINGS beautiful no matter how much pain or hurt is involved. It is about faith. It is about trusting when I don't see or FEEL like I love or can forgive that God can and WILL do it through me if I just ask Him too. It is about being in His Word and believing His Word as my ONLY SOURCE OF TRUTH. I do not accept man's version of anything over my King's. I remind myself every day that I have the power of the One who brings dead to life, eyesight to blind, and replaces hearts of stone with hearts of flesh....so if I BELIEVE that....then I need to live it out....and to do that....I need to love. I need to be vulnerable. I need to live cut right open.

I fully admit it can be terrifying on certain days. It can make me tremble at times because it goes so much against what this world yells at us every moment...and I admit that sometimes there is a part of me that leans into the lie just a bit of," What if they are right?" What if that person never does change? What if that child never believes? What if the marriage is always hard? What if the healing doesn't come? What if the finances are never there? What if.....the enemy whispers it and the more I listen to it, the louder he speaks....what if. This is when it is VITAL that we take our thoughts captive! This is when we stand firm that EVEN IF....we will still believe. This is when I speak boldly back to the enemy and tell him he has NO AUTHORITY over my marriage, my children, my life. He can try his best to destroy, kill and steal....and I know he will try.....but he will NEVER WIN. For three days Jesus lay in a tomb and it LOOKED like death( the enemy) had won....but he NEVER WON. Because during those three days, our King was fighting hell itself and was ALWAYS VICTORIOUS! We need to remember that sometimes when the battle "appears" to be lost this side of heaven....there is a battle going on that we cannot see with our eyes just yet. And so during that time, we stand on God's Word and KNOW VICTORY is there. We just believe what God says....when our physical eyes deceive us. This is what God is continually teaching me about....and I have SO much to learn still! But I pray He will always grow my faith....because I have seen Him renew, restore, and rebuild marriages, relationships, hearts, scars....that the world long ago gave up on. Praise God we do not have to put our hope in this world!! Praise the name of Jesus that our Hope is in the One who IS HOPE!

So....we persist. We stand firm. We give up our will and take on His. We surrender our thought process for His. We change. We renew. We believe. And we stand in awe of our God. Because EVEN IF all seems lost......we will never bow to the enemy or his lies. And the Holy Spirit WILL fill my heart with grace, patience, love, forgiveness....supernaturally. I don't have to try and fake it, I don't have to manufacture it....it comes from the Holy Spirit Himself....deep within the core of who I am and WHOSE I am....and it is there. When I least expect it...it is there. Do you know why? This is the best part....because God PROMISES that we will NEVER be separated from Him once we have surrendered to Him, and because of that, even when I "feel" like I am alone or fighting an uphill battle....God is there.

I have felt the pain and dryness of a broken and scared heart....the heat of it passing over me wave after wave until I cannot breathe....and I have fallen to scarred knees many times crying out and every time I have had the cool breath of Hope caress my tired and weary heart. I have seen the hand of God take my scars and my shattered heart....and I have seen the breathtaking beauty that comes from those pieces being woven together with mercy, grace, forgiveness, hope....and it leaves me in awe every time. I pray that you too will take that step of boldness....and live out love loudly. HIS LOVE. The kind this world doesn't understand but craves....and watch my friend as God uses that pain and hurt you are in right now to work wonders beyond our imagination. HE is already at it....creating beauty from this ash you feel falling on you. It has already begun and He won't stop until it is completed my friend.

Marriage in recovery: Is there truly any Hope?

           
      We have talked alot on here about recovery and what it means. We have talked about mental illness and the toll it takes on everyone but right now I am going to share my heart on being in a marriage that is in recovery. I honestly feel that every marriage needs is in recovery because we have all had hurts and pains that have affected our marriage. What is a marriage in recovery? It is pretty simple in my mind....it is a marriage that is open and honest enough to say to each other they need help and they seek that help from others who have walked the journey before them and BEEN SUCCESSFUL;)
       A marriage in recovery is hard. It is so much easier to walk away....and there are times that walking away is the appropriate thing to do.....but right now I am just going to write about my marriage and the walk we have chosen of recovery. So here goes with the opening of my heart and exposing for all to see every crack, every tear, and every scar.....but as you read I pray you see every victory written into those scars, every joy celebrated in those tears and every bit of God's faithfulness in those cracks.
      My husband has been "in recovery" now for about three years. He has been back in our home for about that same amount of time. We as a family have adopted recovery as part of our every day life now and I pray it will always be that way. We go as a family to our Celebrate Recovery program weekly, we stay involved in our church, we help lead in various things recovery based....and all of that has really helped us with our own personal recovery journey....but when you are dealing with a marriage in recovery it is a whole new ballgame....most of the recovery world will tell you to work your program and stay focused on your sobriety.....but for a marriage to make it in recovery it is about giving of one's self....it no longer becomes about "your" anything and it becomes about two people becoming one. How in the heck does one do this?!
My husband and I have struggled with this so many times!! Even now, three years later, we are still dealing with financial consequences of before recovery and we are still dealing with hurts and insecurities that can be triggered from those old wounds. There will be times when I can't get a hold of my husband because he is in a meeting or just can't get to the phone and in that split second, my mind can imagine all kinds of places he could be and things he could be doing. In a mere second, I am right back to my old way of thinking and I am hurt and scared and my poor husband has NO IDEA what is about to hit him when he calls me back!
          My husband struggled with his addictions for all of his adult life so even in recovery, those addictions don't just "disappear."  He still struggles at times with relapse in one way or another and I know that struggle is very real. We both have to be very vigilant about our recovery. We both have to put up really healthy boundaries and we both have to be willing to have conversations that are open and honest which means at times, they can hurt.

   There are moments when my heart just aches.....it aches for things that cannot be and will never be and it makes me sad. I forget sometimes the blessing of recovery. Being in a marriage in recovery means that you go to counseling together and you prioritize that counseling. It means you continually educate yourself on addictions and relapses and it means you become great seekers....
       The boy and girl that got married 16 years ago are very different people than the ones I see in the mirror. When I look at our wedding photos now, it is with a mixture of joy and sadness....joy for what that moment meant to me and sadness for the couple in the picture who had no idea of what lie ahead of them. We are different. What drew us together all those years ago is not what have kept us together all these years. We have walked a road that is ridden with pain and hurt, some scars that go deep into our very marrow....and that is part of walking out a marriage in recovery. "Accepting that hardship is a pathway to peace" as it says in the serenity prayer. It is asking for wisdom to see my husband the way my Heavenly Father does. It is asking for grace that my husband may see me the way Jesus does. It means we fight for our marriage. Every day. We cannot become lazy in our approach or procrastinate in building a strong foundation because if we do, our marriage loses. It is truly that simple. We fight for our marriage or we lose it. It takes a great deal of effort to have a marriage in recovery....but it is worth it.
       To me, a marriage in recovery is such a beautiful example of our relationship with Christ. We did so much against Him....and deserved punishment...but instead we were given grace. We were given a covenant that cannot be broken. We cheated, we lied, we deceived, we were unfaithful, we broke His heart.....by our sins. We did so many of the very things that destroy marriages....but He did not divorce us. Instead, He pursued. He determined He would not give up and He gave us a beautiful gift of salvation that would bind us to Him forever like a marriage covenant.So we stand shoulder to shoulder and we fight OUT...not in. We fight the enemy who will try to steal, kill, and destroy our marriage every day....and we stand firm on what God's Word says...this has become a strong foundation....one that we are still learning.

      A marriage in recovery means we acknowledge that are going to have bad days. We are going to struggle and fight at times.We still have to make changes as we realize different struggles or triggers. We are going to get upset with each other and we are going to be standing on opposite sides at times. We are going to mess up. This has been the hardest part for me, because let's face it, I am a perfectionist and I struggle with struggling ;)  We will not be perfect....and that's ok. We give grace. We talk....alot. Even when it would be easier to just walk away....and when one of us is talking, the other one is listening. Not on their phone, not watching t.v., not checked out....but actually listening with their eyes, their ears, and their body language. This is HUGE. I need to know that my husband is hearing me and that we are communicating. However....I also understand that none of this guarantees that my husband will not relapse....and I think that is the hardest part. HE and only HE is responsible for his recovery and if he doesn't take it serious each and every day, then he is risking relapse. And that is hard. But I cannot control or manipulate him into "being a godly man"....just like he cannot control or manipulate me into forgiving or not relapsing myself into horrible thought processes.
         A marriage in recovery does not mean a perfect marriage. We still struggle to communicate, we still get frustrated with each other, and we still have fears. But each day, we surrender our marriage to God. We recognize the importance of reading God's Word together, praying together, talking with other people about our struggles and recognizing that we haven't "arrived" anywhere yet.....recovery is an every day job. It is refusing to live in denial, taking an honest and spiritual inventory with each other, growing in Christ, helping others, and asking God for His help each moment! :)
        Marriage is not easy. Addictions are terrible. Life is hard. God is faithful. The Holy Spirit promises strength....and gives it. Beauty CAN come from ashes....and each day I choose to wake up and look to my King as He continues to create beauty out of the ashes of our marriage.

     

Peace: The journey of a 1,000 years

                           

 Some times a day can seem like a thousand years. Each second that ticks by can seem like endless hours....and some journey's can seem like they may never end. Marriage can seem the longest journey of them all at times. When we first fall in love, we adore being with each other and we live for the next moment that we can see each other or talk to each other....we never seem to have enough time with each other....at first. Then we come to that beautiful moment....the proposal, the wedding, and then.....life.
          It is when we start truly living life with each other that the problems can set in. Finances become strained or long talks with each other turn into long hours at the office. Children may come and make time difficult to find, parents, in-laws, illness,.....the list can go on and on. Do you know that few people make it to the first five years, and even fewer make it to ten years of marriage? That breaks my heart. What causes us to feel so in love one moment and then in the next struggle with even liking that person? What causes the beautiful moment of walking down the aisle turn into the heart-wrenching sobs as we walk out of the court room after the divorce? Where is the peace?
     Peace. Such a tiny word....only five little letters. But it is one of the most rusty of  spiritual weapons for many of us! I will be honest here....I have struggled with writing this blog because I struggle with this more than all the others. So I cannot tell you how I have found the perfect system that creates the most beautiful of peace....because I haven't. But I can tell you what I am learning and share my heart with you about this seemingly mysterious gift...peace.
       My children are growing up and as they become adults, some of them are walking away from what we have taught them. Some of them are pursuing sin over holiness and this causes my heart to be greatly burdened. Some of my children still fight demons from their past and the abuse that their birth parents did to them....this causes my heart to weep many a tear. Finances can be stressful as bills come and go and add up more and more.....marriage is hard and we can never stop fighting for it....even when we are just. so. tired......and all of this can equal anything but peace. It can equal fear. It can bring insecurity and negative thoughts by the waves....but peace? Does God REALLY expect us to walk each day, each situation....in peace? Is that even possible?
         The answer I am learning is yes. It IS possible and God does desire this for us. He longs for us to simply trust His heart and lead us in EVERY SITUATION we are in. He wants us to walk each moment in surrender to HIS WILL. This is where we find peace. In surrender.
         When I hold on to "my" dreams, what I think my children should do, what I believe my marriage should look like....or even simpler stuff such as what I want my house to look like, or the job that I feel I should have....in the holding on to these things....I am holding on to dead dreams. All of ME has to die for Christ to live.  Now I get that many of you might think, " but God is the one who has given me these dreams, so He must want me to have them."....but I just want to challenge you on that a little because I too have said that very thing.
          God IS peace. Everything about Him IS peace. His way=peace. His thoughts=peace. His plans=peace. His desires= peace. HE = peace.    

           If I am in war inside myself, constantly struggling with discontent or frustration, I may be wanting my way more than God's. Because regardless of how bad any situation looks like, if I am walking in surrender to God, I will have peace. It is a promise.  Isaiah 26:3, " You will keep in perfect peace those whose mind is steadfast, because they trust in You.". That doesn't mean we will walk in rainbows and butterflies all the time....but we can walk in peace. I think part of the problem sometimes with peace, is that we think of peace as a "feel good feeling"....but that isn't peace. Peace is a quiet in our soul. It is a calm inside of us in the middle of a storm. Peace is freedom from disturbance. Peace is not something physical. It is a spiritual fruit...from a spiritual being...the Holy Spirit. It is surrendering us allowing HIM to take control. And it is HARD at times!
     Sitting by a fireplace in a cabin high in the mountains is one of my favorite places to be....and I feel "peace" there.....maybe for you it is the beach or surrounded by family and friends or sitting with a good book or good movie.....but this is not the kind of peace that God desires for us. This is a feeling of calm for a moment. God desires for us to walk each moment in peace. The peace HE offers to us...it is when all of life is falling apart, but your heart is calm. It is when you should be crumbling on the floor, but instead you are praising. IT is when you face the giant, the fire, the lion, the storm, the whale, the persecution, the diagnosis, the rejection, the pain....the WHATEVER....and your heart is standing firm. This simply cannot be done on our strength. But it most certainly CAN be done through Christ.

     We CAN walk out this life in peace....but we first have to let go of...well....of us. We have to surrender ALL....and when we do....peace is there. I still find it amazing that it is in the letting go of control that we are stronger in peace. It is so contrary to what the world teaches us about being in control of our destiny and being in charge of our lives and our way....but God says to let go. To let HIM control us. To let HIM direct us and guide us and trust HIM with every decision we make. This is where peace is....this is WHO peace is. So if you want to really live out each day in peace....surrender. I still have so much to learn about peace....but I am learning. And I am so grateful for the journey that it has taken for me to learn and study more about peace. We are all just students....children...learning from our Father....and He loves to teach us. He loves to share His heart with us! If only we will seek Him....with our WHOLE heart. No holding back...arms thrown wide open and completely vulnerable to Him! I pray each of us will truly understand peace and what it is to walk in it every day no matter what is going on around us!

     
     

Why I will not pursue happiness.

      The pursuit of happiness.....it seems to be what everyone is preaching these days. The enemy wants you to believe more than anything that your happiness is most important....he wants you to believe that your happiness is more important than your marriage, a relationship with your children, a job well done, a healthy body, healthy finances....but what if all that is a lie? The enemy wants you to believe that this moment of happiness is worth far more than anything and it is vital that you have it RIGHT NOW. No waiting. No planning. Nothing but giving in to the immediate pleasure of "now"....

    What if our "happiness" is not what actually brings us joy? I know that sounds confusing but let me tell you my friends....I have seen this played out over and over and over and and when people pursue their version of happiness, it only leads to more loneliness, depression, and more searching for more of that elusive "happiness". Our best thought out plans are not even close to those plans that God has for us. They pale in comparison to the adventures the King of kings has thought up for us!

       It is when we surrender our dreams, our happiness, our thoughts, "our will" completely over to His...that is when we find our joy. It sounds so crazy to think that surrendering to someone else's plans would fill up that emptiness we are constantly seeking to have filled....but that's how it works. Because it truly isn't a physical thing at all....it is supernatural. We need to understand this. Once we do, we can stop chasing after happiness and start surrendering to holiness.

       If we really dig deep, we will find that true joy comes from knowing WHO we are and WHOSE we are and that we have VALUE. This is why so many of us pursue things that give us meaning or identity....but if we surrender to Christ....truly surrender LORDSHIP of our life, we are able to stand firm on our identity as HIS child. And that brings the deepest sense of joy. That gives us everything we are seeking....everything from our desperate need of worth to our trying to control and figure everything out to knowing we belong to a family and can never be separated from that family. He fulfills all of our deepest needs. We seem to forget at times that God wants us to be full of joy! He is not withholding happiness from us in anyway....but our happiness will never go against what God's Word says. So if we are thinking that something will make us happy, and that thing is contrary to God's Word, we can immediately know that is US pursuing OUR plan instead of God's will.

The happiness that we all long for comes from serving Jesus as our Lord. It is really that simple. The more we serve....the more we surrender all the broken pieces to Jesus....our very spirit becomes happier. We begin to find a sense of worth and a peace and it doesn't matter that we may have money problems, or marriage struggles, or family issues....it doesn't matter what we are walking through....we are still happy. Because joy comes from the Holy Spirit...not from us achieving any certain thing. This is why we have people that can walk through the most heartbreaking situations and still radiate a joyful beauty. It isn't that somehow it doesn't hurt them as much....not at all....instead, they just walk in faith...bravely....joyfully....in HIS WILL. We roll up our spiritual sleeves and we fight. We don't give up. We don't settle for the world's version of joy but instead surrender ourselves to the Holy Spirit working in us....perfecting us in all the hardest parts of us. We stand firm on what GOD'S WORD says....not what our feelings say. We stand firm on truth. And we live in joy. True joy....the kind that withstands the struggles and broken hearts and hurts and fears of life....and still through it all...have joy. His joy.