This is a real life blog about real life...I am a mommy to six amazing girls. My journey is not always an easy one...but here is the deal...God takes our ashes of our hurt and broken lives and He is creating something beautiful with them! I don't know what the masterpiece is going to look like...but I know it will be breath-taking!
During a fierce storm, you usually are solely focused on the storm. You hear it around you pounding on your heart, screeching across your mind and howling into your spirit....and you stay focused on surviving the storm. You take cover, you protect yourself the best you can and you just ride it out...there is nothing else left to do. You cannot change the direction of the storm. You cannot alter it somehow to become something other than a storm....you just have to get through the storm.
After the storm is over...that is when you start to assess the damage. You walk around and take inventory of what has been damaged and you look around to see what can be fixed or what needs to be thrown away and replaced. After a particularly fierce storm, you see that the storm may have changed the way something will be forever. It may have created something different that wasn't there before the storm...a different view perhaps...because the fierceness of the storm took down somethings and created a different view.
That is where I am at right now: assessing the damage. I am finally seeing an end to this storm that has been going on since August. It has been a fierce and long storm and every once in awhile I still hear the thunder and see the lightning crack across my heart...but I also know that it is almost over. The time for the storm is nearly over and now it is time to do inventory on my heart.
I know that I will never be the same person I was before this storm...I have lost pieces of my heart during this storm, but God has faithfully and lovingly spared my spirit. I will never again be the Brandi that was before this storm. It has changed me. It has tested my faith and grown me in ways that I am still learning...and that's ok. It's ok to come out of a storm changed. We don't walk through pain and hurt without it affecting us in some way and for me, it has stretched me into becoming more of the woman that God wants me to be.
This storm has taught me about myself and how in many ways I needed to be completely reliant upon my King and I know that would not have happened unless I had walked through this dark, scary at times, dangerous storm. I have felt the sting of the rain. I have been scared at times and unsure if I was going to make it through it...my knees have bruises where I have fallen onto them over and over again. I have learned what it means to trust God for my every single thing. I have learned to be on my knees within my spirit constantly. I have learned just how loudly the spirit can groan on our behalf.
My identity comes from being the daughter of the King of kings...not from being Kari's mom, or JT's wife...but from my Heavenly Father. I'm still learning exactly what that means for me...but the greatest thing I have learned is that the storm does end. It does. And that even when the storm is at its worst...raging against you in every way...God is there. He is in the middle of the rain. He is there in the midst of the thunder and lightning. He. is. there. When He promises to never leave us...He keeps His Word.
So....I will take some time this week...maybe next week as well...and maybe the next:)...and I will assess. I will take a moment to step out into my heart and look and see. I will check for damage. I will look at the new view I have on life and my faith. I will praise. I will probably cry some, because when we lose parts of ourselves, it can hurt. I miss the innocence of before August. But I can finally see the light through the storm. I can even feel it sometimes...that warmth that comes from the sun pouring down after a fierce storm. I can smell the hope that is in the air...the storm has washed away alot of junk out of our lives and for that I can truly smell Hope!
I know that each of us walk through different storms...some seem so unbearable and maybe you are so weary that you can't even move....maybe your heart is feeling crushed and bruised...you are not alone. You have beside you warriors lifting you up.Other brothers and sister in Christ who are walking beside you. Let them. Tell them when you cannot move. Or pray. Or even speak....let us battle for you when you can't do it yourself. And know that this battle will end....I know it may seem so dark where you are at right now....I know that darkness all to well. But God is there. He is listening to every groaning of your heart. And the storm...it will end. Hope is there...maybe you can hear it in between the thunder or catch glimpses of it in between the lightning strikes...you know it is there...just hang on to each of those glimpses....hold tightly to it! And take a deep breath...deeper....let it out slowly and do it again....and again....hope is there. Here is a song that has filled my room so many times as I have held on for dear life through this storm. I pray it offers you hope like it did to me...so take a minute to turn up the volume. Close your eyes and let the words wash over you like a cleansing rain...words of hope. Gentle words that will not hurt...but will heal.
Here we are at Thanksgiving....and this year it has been such a struggle for me to give thanks. Life is hard this year. Things have happened that I could not have imagined in a thousand years...like my husband going away to rehab, our family being without an income since August, my daughter violently attacking me resulting in her going into a hospital and not being able to live with us....health problems and life problems...JT's grandma getting closer to her heavenly home minute by minute...it has just been a hard year for me to be joyful and praise.
I have tried...how I have tried! I have lifted my hands in praise when my knees would not stand. I have fallen in surrender to His will and begged God to just provide peace. This year has come at a great cost to my heart...I have lost pieces of it as I have had to step up and handle many things at once and even though I thought I was stronger...I have learned that I am not. I miss my husband when he is not with me and I miss all the years we have lost due to his addictions. I miss Kari in ways that cannot be expressed in human language. I am tired of money problems and health issues....and my heart has suffered. I have doubted every decision that I have made...ever. I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy and guilt over things that I had no control over and those I did...I have just struggled. My heart has been all over the place...still is most of the time. And I have prayed over and over this..." Why can't I just be thankful?" I have cried over this so many times because ultimately I have one desire...that is to glorify my King above all else and I think I have seriously failed Him in that because I have not always praised. I have complained and felt like life was unfair. I have questioned God many times as to why so many things at once? I have talked to counselors and pastors, friends and family....and still I have struggled. I have felt alone so many times...even when I was counseling other women that they are NEVER alone because we stand together....but in my heart, I have struggled with that alot! The feeling that no one really understands what you are going through or that there is no one to really talk too...it is a lonely feeling. And many times I would turn up the music and I would sing out loud and for awhile I would feel my spirit lift and I would know that God is here in the midst of each moment....just for the next wave to crash over me and my heart to plummet to the ground in despair. Have you ever felt like this? Have you ever struggled daily with something that seems like it will never end in a good way? Have you ever wondered why? Or questioned your faith like you never have before?....I know you have. I know we all do at different times in our lives and being honest about it is so stinkin hard! I have felt like the worst mom on this planet so many times that I began to feel numb. I have felt like the wife who will never "get it" and will hinder her husband rather than help her. I have felt like the daughter or daughter in law who only must disappoint. I have felt like the sister or sister in law who fails more than she succeeds....and it has caused my heart to stumble. It has caused fear and doubt to creep in and taunt me with lies over and over of just how "bad" I am....
So I have thought long and hard about writing this post....but being brutally honest with the world is something that God will not lay off of my heart until I pick up the computer and write. I fight it sometimes because exposing my heart hurts sometimes and I fear judgement....but following where God leads is something I need to do....even when it is scary and seems painful. I trust His heart to know that He desires good things for us and that if He wants me to write, then that is what I have to do...
So let me tell you something that God has taught me about Thanksgiving. Because of my struggles within my own heart, I have asked God to forgive me for not being full of thanksgiving and He has shown me that thanksgiving is not always about singing and being full of "happiness"....sometimes thanksgiving comes from within us so deeply that it is a moaning of thanksgiving....a groaning of our spirit that even though we don't understand the,"why" or the . "how comes"....we still trust. Thanksgiving is sometimes expressed on bended knee with a broken heart. It is sometimes expressed in joyful adoration and praise but not always. Sometimes it is felt in a quiet, almost sad like way....does that make sense? It is something within the spirit of us. Sad does not equal ungrateful. I can be sad about the situation or this part of the journey....but that doesn't mean I am not thankful! I am thankful for what God is doing in my husband's life at Rob's Ranch. I am learning to trust in His plan for my daughter's life and in His provision for our family. I am humbled and thankful for my family in Christ and for how they have never forgotten me....even when I have "felt" like it. I have thankful for my home and my children and this dirt road I live on. I am thankful for starry nights that will take your breath away and for hot bubble baths at the end of a long day.
When this journey first started for us in August, my sister in law gave me this journal and devotional to keep track of a thousand gifts that God gives us. Every day, I write down things I am thankful for no matter what they are... I have written about socks and dishes, fireplaces and phone calls, dust and giggles...and that is because I REALLY AM thankful for my life. I REALLY AM blessed even in the midst of such chaos. But that doesn't mean that I will always FEEL happy and joyful. I AM thankful....but not joyful. Does that make sense?
I am ready for this chapter to be over and to move on to this next chapter or even the next book! This part has not been "fun" in anyway....but I am thankful for the chapter. I have learned alot about my faith and how little it really is. have learned about the beautiful family of Christ and how they take care of us. I have learned how to be stronger ONLY through the strength that comes from Jesus. I have learned ALOT about self control:) I have learned how to think even more before I speak, and how to really listen when someone is talking to you. I have learned how to pray in ways that would be difficult for me to write about. I have learned how to be honest and how to forgive. I have learned how to trust in those who Christ brings into my life to speak life into me and how to let go the words that are spoken to me with sharp barbs and points on them. I have learned...am learning.....alot.
So I know that tomorrow is a beautiful day of thanksgiving....but for those of you who may not be "feeling" it right now...its ok. I mean it is really ok....just breathe. You are going to be ok. Please don't judge yourself harshly. Don't feel "less" because your heart is not overflowing with joy right now. It is ok if you are muttering your thanks with a heart that is broken. It's ok if you have tears on your cheeks this day...or the next. You will not be alone. We will stand together on our knees maybe, but we will join our hearts together and will groan out a thanksgiving prayer to our King. I KNOW that He is God. I KNOW that His ways are beautiful....but I rarely understand them anymore. My dear friends who are sad and broken hearted or dealing with depression today...take a deep breathe. Pull your face up toward the sun, talk a slow walk outside and just listen....hear the wind sweep across the tress and know that God sees you. He hears each beat of your broken heart. He sees your spirit lifting up its thanksgiving with such brokenness....and He meets you right there....in the midst of where you are. For that I will always be thankful. Happy Thanksgiving my friends. God bless each of you on this day....
Marriage is hard. It just is. Now before anyone turns off the computer as quickly as they can....bear with me. Marriage IS hard. We can't deny that. I often feel that people who are about to get married don't truly understand just how hard it can be...I know I didn't. But I celebrated my 14th year of marriage on November 4th and it has been really. really. REALLY hard...but it has also been amazing, fun, exciting, scary, overwhelming, and oh so beautiful!
When you are putting on your beautiful wedding gown that you took such care to make sure was the "perfect" dress, the last thing on your mind is how hard this could get. When you are holding the hand of the man or woman you love, looking into their eyes...you are not thinking about the massive amount of forgiveness you will need to give and receive from each other. And because we don't think about the really hard moments, when they happen, we are unprepared to handle it. We get thrown into shock and react instinctively.
But what if we started teaching our young people about the hardships of marriage? What if we talked with them about the difficulties they could face one day and we taught them how to stand strong when that day comes? This is something that I have determined to do with my six daughters. I talk with them about how hard marriage can be...and how worth it, it is! How you can learn so much about the heart of God from within a covenant marriage. So what is a covenant marriage?
A covenant marriage is a marriage that is built on the principle that God is first and your beloved is second. It is built on forever. It is an oath that comes from your lips and reaches across into the spiritual and ties an unending knot between you, your beloved, and God Himself. It is serious. It is not meant to be taken lightly. It is beautiful. It is sacred. It cannot be broken. It is one of the most beautiful covenants that God has given us...so beautiful in fact that He compares His love for us to a marriage.
When I first married JT, I had no idea what adventures and journey's we would take...in such a short time! When I began to fall in love with JT it was because of his love for Scripture...we talked about God's Word alot and he knew far more than I did about them and it challenged me which is something I love to be:) He had a heart for broken children at the time and I had always known that I would become a foster parent so to find a man who had that same desire was awesome! JT also had a heart for teenagers which was something that God had given me shortly after we married and so we began to pray about what that would look like in our life...and then...9 months after getting married...we "had" our first daughter! She was almost five years old and had been abused in some pretty traumatic ways and had some mental retardation as well. But we didn't even blink...of course we would take her and adopt her! It was never even a question for us...I even remember the judge asking JT and I on adoption day if we were really sure about this because we were so young! ( I was 20 and JT was 21) Now being married only 9 months we immediately put a HUGE strain on our marriage because with our daughter came more trauma than I can write. It came with more tears and that sense of having no clue what you are doing but praying you are doing it right anyway....
We then had a house fire shortly after our daughter was adopted and we lost everything. We had to move into a hotel until we figured out what to do...we had been married just over a year. We decided that we would buy a home and put it out on some land by my parents and so began the process of clearing land and preparing for a new home with a daughter who was still needing lots of one on one time and daily help to deal with the trauma of the abuse she went through. As soon as we could, we moved into our home with great excitement and immediately signed up to become foster parents. We finished our classes as quickly as possible and took the first child they called us with....who would later become our adopted daughter as well! We filled our home up very quickly with foster children...many times JT would come home from work and a new child would be with us because it was an "emergency" and I couldn't say no...ever....from disabled to sibling groups to infants to teenagers....it didn't matter. We hadn't been married 6 years when we had had over 16 foster children come and go...adopting four of them...our hearts breaking in so many ways with each of them as many of them had to go back to the very homes that they were abused in with no promise of change....and during all this...we were suppose to be married and working on "us".....
Things like dates, time away, talking...became something that we did less and less because it is very difficult to find a babysitter who understand the issues the children in your home have and there was always a court hearing to prepare for or documents to go over or counseling sessions to attend and don't forget about the counseling that we did every day all day within our home or the tears, fears, and pains you were constantly trying to soothe...sigh...and looking back now, I can see so many signs that JT was struggling but we didn't have other friends who walked the same journey at that time and so finding someone who understood what you were dealing with just didn't happen for us...and so silently we dealt with our insecurities and hurts that we ourselves were gaining through all this. We didn't realize how important friends would be...we didn't understand how valuable time alone would be...and I think....honestly....that somewhere along the way, I may have forgotten how to ask JT how he was really doing. I was so focused on the kids and all the "helping" that needed to be done that putting JT and I on the back burner became easier and easier...we tried to continue "dating" and we still loved each other very much....but communication was much harder. Every time we were together, we would talk about the massive amount of issues we dealt with daily...we stopped talking about our dreams, our goals, and where God was leading us as a family. We began to walk what seemed to me, like totally different paths and instead of growing closer together, I began to see more and more space between us.
So fast forward 7 more years and you have us...here. I have said before but I will say it again...divorce would have been easier for me. It just would have. And when my heart was broken into a thousand pieces, I spent hours on my knees asking God to please let me do that...and every time God would bring this word to my heart. Covenant. I wrestled with that word over and over...covenant....it is such a tiny little word...and yet that word is entwined into the very character of God. He made a covenant with me as His daughter and He will NEVER break that covenant. Ever. No matter how many times I turn my back on Him, or look to someone else instead of Him....His covenant is strong and faithful. I had to really study that word and what marriage means to me and as I did, God began doing a strange and wonderful work in my heart....He began changing it. He began reminding me of all the reasons I loved JT. I began to pray for JT like I had never done before.
Praying over our spouses is probably the most important thing we can do for them...except maybe pray WITH our spouse. There is this beautiful power that comes when a husband and a wife grab hands and humble their knees and hearts before their King. It reaches across the physical and into the spiritual and binds the two spirits together as one. It is absolutely beautiful. And mysterious. And wonderful...I began praying very specific prayers over JT and each part of his body and I thought it would help him...but it in fact, helped me. When you are praying for someone it is so hard to not like them...and God began putting this love for JT back in my heart and now I can honestly say that I love him more than I ever have,...ever....in all of our marriage of 14 years. I love that he is brave and bold facing the things that have held him in bondage for years. I love that he is willing to put everything out there so that freedom can come. I love that he is human. I love that he is broken. I love that he takes his brokenness to the only One who can heal him...and I love that he talks to our girls about that brokenness. I love that he sees God as the perfecter of his faith...and that God is giving him this great desire to help broken people even more now than before! I just love him. And that is only because God took that tiny word...covenant...and made it alive to me. It became real! Not just a vow I said on November 4th 2000....but a covenant that I made between God, JT and myself. JT and I have laughed more in the last few months than we have in years. We have held hands, danced, prayed together, kissed, talked, listened....dreamed....because we are both submitting ourselves to the Creator of our marriage!
Sometimes I think we forget that satan wants to destroy our marriages...he does not want us to be in any covenant love with God. He would rather we be selfish and focused on all that "should be and isn't" instead of all that " is because of HIM". But God says that what satan meant for evil, God will use for good! This is a promise from the Creator of promises! This is something I cling to on those really hard days:)
Marriage IS hard...but marriage IS wonderful! It is amazing and crazy and wild and passionate and nutty....and worth every step I have taken so far. I pray that as my girls grow up and come to the age of marrying...that they will know that marriage is hard. It will require giving of oneself in ways that you cannot imagine until you are there. It will require trusting and hoping in ways that will not always come natural...and I especially pray that they learn that marriage is beautiful. I pray that they have seen a covenant marriage lived out before them through JT and I and that when the time comes in their own marriage, where they begin to doubt or wonder...they will be able to stand on that covenant. That is my prayer. I came across this quote the other day and I fell in love with it....and so I will leave it with you now...
Somehow all this fits together....in the end the pieces fit together creating a beautiful stunning piece of art that lives and breathes....
I have always loved puzzles. I have spent countless hours searching for just the right piece that would fit in just the right spot. I have done puzzles with my parents, my siblings, my grandparents, my friends, and now I do them with my husband and girls.I know that for many people they are old-fashioned but for me they still provide a calm and a peace that I love.
I have been working on a puzzle with my daughters for awhile now, and it is a really hard one. Sometimes my daughter will find a piece that looks like the perfect fit. She will try and try and try to MAKE it fit....it looks like it should work...maybe if she just tries a little harder, or turns it a different way...but no matter how hard she tries, it is still the wrong piece. It will not fit. Ever. It doesn't belong there. It has really made me think about how many times I try to "force" something that "appears" to be a good thing in my life...to happen. And I get so frustrated sometimes because I keep trying and trying but it just doesn't work. I change the angle I come it at from,,,still doesn't work. I do anything I can think of to FORCE it except the one thing I should do...put it down. Let it go. You see, until my daughter puts down the wrong piece and picks up the right piece she is just going to stay frustrated. She has to understand that the piece is not going to fit. And that another piece is the right one. The perfect fit is there....she just can't give up..
Who would have thought God could teach me so much from a puzzle! I can see how many times in my own life that I have refused to surrender that one thing, emotion, thought, way of living...that I just KNEW would be the perfect fit for my life. All the while not understanding why I am struggling so hard...never did it occur to me that I was holding the wrong piece. God wants me to willingly surrender all the pieces of my life...ALL THE PIECES OF MY LIFE.....to HIS WILL. And I don't know if I would have ever understood that completely if I wasn't walking this road that I am on. I was holding on to many of "my" pieces...the pieces that are my children, my identity as a wife and mother, making sure we all looked good from the outside...those pieces. I didn't even realize I was holding on to some of them. I didn't realize that every day I would pick up the same exact piece and try to cram it until it fit in my picture of what my life was suppose to be...until all the pieces fell out of my hand in August. I frantically tried to grab them before anyone saw that they were in the wrong spot...but I just couldn't do it. The pieces fell. And I was sitting there looking around at what I thought was complete destruction of my family. I would never have dreamed of my children struggling with mental illness. My husband going through rehab was never once in the picture I had. And telling everyone of our struggles was the worst thought I could ever imagine!
I am learning every day to lay down those pieces...that it's ok for me to not understand. It is like doing a puzzle without the box so that you can look at the picture:) It is about faith. Oh....that beautiful, infuriating word....faith. It has driven me insane at times trying to understand what it means to truly have faith. To trust without knowing. To believe without seeing. To take a deep breath, fix your eyes on Jesus...and walk...into the storm, out of the boat....just walk. I can tell you that many times for me it is more like a crawl. My heart pounds within me and my knees buckle as I see what lies before me...and it is all that I can do to crawl forward step by step. Many times, I see what lies before me and I have great joy well up in me filling my heart with strength and I run forward boldly and excitedly. And sometimes, I can't seem to see at all...the road is clouded and I have to take each step trusting my King to make sure the road is there...for I cannot see it.
It's has come down to this for me...do I TRULY believe that God is real? Do I TRULY believe that He is alive and powerful, that He is infinite, that He cares about me....you may chuckle or laugh because you may say," of course God is real! How can that be questioned?! " ....but isn't that what I am doing when I question whether He will provide? Isn't that me, the created, saying to God, the Creator, " I don't know if you can handle this one...I think I will take care of it."...
I still have so very much to learn about His heart and character! I long with a deep passion to pursue His ways. To find out why they are HIS WAYS. And He is teaching me in that beautiful way of His to put. down. the. piece. The picture He has created out of my life is beautiful. I don't have to know where all the pieces go just yet. I don't have to stress and worry that I may pick the wrong one up...I just have to listen. I just have to heed His voice in my life. I have to open my hands in surrender to Him with ALL OF MY LIFE! I want Jesus to be in every part of my life...I don't want to keep any parts back. It hasn't worked out so well every time I try it...so this time...my hands are opened. My arms are outstretched. My knees are bowed and my heart is quiet...listening...following...trusting...and learning...always learning.
I sit here and stare at my screen...it blurs before my eyes as the tears continue to flood them. My hot tea sits beside me as a comfort...as I watch the hot smoke rise up out of the cup only to disappear into the air...reminding me of how fleeting life is...here...and then gone. How important it is that I take the moments I have been given to hold on to my children, rub their hair, hug them tightly...pray with them. I have to just breathe...in, out...in, out...deep breaths that calm my heart.
I have been walking the road of mental illness with one of my daughters. It is a deep, pain filled road that more often than not brings me to my knees...but it is there that I find a measure of peace. It is there, laid out on the floor, tears streaming down, prayers groaning from within...that I hear the whisper and that I find the calm. I do not want to walk this road. I want to skip this part. I want to re-route it to a different road...but I can't. This IS the road I am on with her and this IS the road that we will walk...together. I will not give up. I will not stop fighting for freedom for her.
I use to dream of the life that she would have...full of promises fulfilled and dreams achieved...but those dreams have been shattered and the promises reduced to rubble. And I have learned that those were "my" dreams and promises for her...and that God does not operate within "my" boundaries. I have had to learn how to open my palm...completely stretch out each finger...in complete surrender to HIS WILL for my children's life.
When you adopt a child, you have this beautiful image of them embracing your family and the belief system of your family. You imagine them always feeling close to you as their "mom and dad" and you think that the hurt and pain they suffered from will dim with time as your love stands strong and true in their life...and sometimes that is exactly what happens...but sometimes...it's not. Sometimes, your love isn't enough. Sometimes your dreams for them start to vanish like the steam from a cup of hot tea. Sometimes your knees become raw and your voice scratchy from the cries that come from within you. It's actually really hard to explain and I don't think I am doing it justice but let me tell you...it hurts. It cuts at you, your faith, your strength as a parent...as the options become fewer, your faced with the desire we have to "humanly" fix things...or to put ALL of our trust and faith in the very One who created that child. You would think it would be easier than it is...but for me...easy is not a word I would put with being an adopted mommy:)
Our daughter has faced so much pain already, that all I wanted was for her life to be easy from the moment she walked into our home. I wanted to be able to replace all the memories of hurt with memories of beauty and when you can't do that...you feel like a failure as a parent. Your heart aches with a deep ache that comes from your spirit. Your spirit groans within your chest and many times, there are just no words....only groaning. Your prayers come from your lips in a constant that doesn't stop...you pray and pray and pray...and for us...it doesn't always get better...at least not yet.
Since our daughter has reached her upper teen years, the pain and anguish that fills her mind is something that I cannot comprehend. It torments her and she is struggles with things that come from within her own head. She will tell you that she is tormented. She will tell you that she wants it to stop. She will sit across from me with tears pouring down her face asking me to help her...and my heart shatters within me. There are days when I feel as though I may not be physically able to walk out of there leaving her behind...my knees will tremble. My heart will pound. I just want to scoop her into my arms and rock her like I use to do when she was five. I want to hold her hand as she is falling asleep singing prayers over her like we use to do...but I cannot. I know that within mere seconds that same child that is crying for me to bring her home, is capable of picking up a knife and ending my life. That same child that cries for me to bring her home, will change in a matter of seconds into a full blown rage that cannot think of consequences but only of the moment. That same child that cries for me to bring her home, will change in an instant and use anything she can find as a weapon against herself or anyone that is near her. I have to KNOW these things. I have to UNDERSTAND these things...even when I don't want to. I have to make the decision that what is best for her may be the hardest for me...to leave her there. Only a few of you reading this will truly understand what I am talking about...because only a few of you will walk this road beside me.
As I have walked this road and continue to do so I am reminded over and over again of God's great love for us. How many times have I failed Him? How many times have I chosen MY way over His? And what does He do....He loves me. He loves me so much that He chose to adopt me into His family even when He KNEW that I would be unfaithful at times. He chose to adopt me even when He KNEW that I would choose my way over His will over and over again...He KNEW these things before He ever extended adoption to me...and He extended it anyway. That is EXACTLY what it means to be an adoptive parent. We KNOW the road may not be easy...we KNOW the road may break our hearts...but because we are filled with HIS love...we adopt anyway.
I have often thought about what it would have been like if we hadn't adopted her? And every time I do, sadness fills my heart. Adoption is not easy, but the thought of NOT adopting is far worse...because for me...God created our family through adoption. He hand-picked each of our children to come into our home through adoption and create this beautiful piece of grace. Even walking this road with mental illness...I am still so grateful that God allows us to be her parents. I am still so humbled that He chose us.
I will be honest...as she has went deeper into the madness that is mental illness, I miss her. She is not the same girl she was even a year ago...the darkness in her mind is changing her. I miss her laugh. I miss her silly songs and dances or the way she would cry with me over movies. I just miss her. I ache for her to "be better"...and I pray. I pray with all that I am and all that I have for her to become free from this. I pray God will deliver her. I pray His glory will shine through her as He frees her...but even if that doesn't happen....we will love her. Right where she is. Right in this moment. We will love her. I know of no other way. I am her mom. I will always be her mom. I will never, ever stop fighting for her to live a beautiful life.
So if you see me and my eyes are red from tears...or you call me and I cannot talk because my voice is raw from crying...or we meet up and my heart is heavy...please...just listen. Please understand that my daughter is ALWAYS on my mind...I am constantly in prayer for her and sometimes the best things you can do is pray for us as well. That IS the single most powerful thing you can do for a family like ours. Pray. Listen. Don't judge. Don't criticize or say things like," if you would have..." or " things would be different if you would just"....don't say them. They hurt. And our hearts hurt enough. If you want to know more about what it is like...simply ask us. We don't mind telling our story to those who want to hear...but we will not usually tell you first. We guard our hearts carefully because there is so much criticism out there and that is the very last thing we need!
Look around you...talk to the families who have adopted or are fostering or have a child who suffers from mental illness of any sort. Don't forget about them. Do you know one of the most meaningful things any one has done for our daughter? They went to see her. They went to meet her right where she was at. She didn't have to "get better" first...they met with her right there in the facility and loved on her right where she was at. It meant the world to her...and me. Don't be afraid to ask questions...but be ready for answers that are not always pretty. Take a minute to call us up and tell us you are praying for us...for her. These are things that are priceless to us and they create a balm to our wounded hearts.
God's ways are not ours...and many times I simply don't understand His ways...but I do trust His heart. I take a deep breathe...in, out...in, out...and I let the peace of His Words flow over me. Matthew 11:28," Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Psalms 91:1," He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."....take another deep breathe....know that God is speaking over your life....your children's lives....your marriage....He just wants us to lean back against Him and breathe....He wants us to narrow all the worries down to this one moment of grace in our life...this breathe...then the next....let all those worries go and give thanks. Praise Him through all these moments...because these broken moments are revealing a masterpiece of grace and beauty that we would never truly understand unless we walked through each broken piece. We just have to KNOW that He takes the broken and makes the beautiful. Each of us have our own "broken"....and each of us are beautiful in that brokenness.
I asked a simple question on facebook lately...this was it... Forgiveness. What does that mean to you?
In the Greek it is written like this: Original Word: ἄφεσις, εως, ἡ and it means this according to Strong's: Short Definition: deliverance, pardon, complete forgiveness Definition: a sending away, a letting go, a release, pardon, complete forgiveness.
According to the dictionary it means this:
for·give·ness
ˌfərˈɡivnəs/
noun
noun: forgiveness; plural noun: forgivenesses
the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.
"she is quick to ask forgiveness when she has overstepped the line"
But what does it mean to you? I mean really, truly mean to you...not just what you know your suppose to say....that's not what I'm asking...I'm asking what does "forgiveness" mean to you?
I always thought that I have had a pretty good handle on that word...it means we are given another chance. We have been given grace when we deserved punishment...we are forgiven. But lately, God is showing me that I really don't know nearly as much about forgiveness as I think I did! I tend to forgive when it is convenient or pain free. I tend to forgive when the person that has done something against me is truly sorry in my mind...but that is not the forgiveness that God has given us. Notice in the Greek it means " deliverance" and a "letting go"....hmmm.....forgiveness means deliverance? For who?
Jt and I have had some really tough conversations lately and God has used these conversations to show me many things about my heart...one being that I am not as quick to forgive as I had thought. Forgiveness means that I don't bring up the past hurt when things are not going my way. It means it is gone...it has been let go...delivered from it.
It has not been easy to look into my heart lately but God is making sure that I do so here I am writing about it for all to read....I don't know why it is so important that I write about this journey because it is painful and hard at times to show your heart to everyone...but it is important....and so I write.
I have come to see my heart a little more clearly lately and what I see makes me sad. I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit...completely. That means that I need to let forgiveness reside there. I am on a mission to discover true forgiveness. And then to live it out. I know it will not be easy and I will struggle many times but I will keep pushing forward for that goal. I want to be a student of forgiveness.
So I asked a question on facebook ....What does forgiveness mean to you? There was a lot of great responses and it really got me thinking... I don't want to just forgive when it is convenient. I want to forgive because it is who I am. A forgiver. A person who has been forgiven.
See, once you have experienced the goodness of forgiveness, how then can we withhold it from any one? But we do. At least I do. I catch myself asking Christ to forgive me when I sin against Him, but then with holding that forgiveness when someone ask me for it. I mean, I may SAY I forgive, but then when I am feeling hurt or upset, I bring up the wrongs that have been done against me by that person. And that is not true forgiveness. I have caught myself doing this with the girls, JT, all kinds of people in my life and it is one quality that has to go in my life! We have all heard that forgiveness is for the one offering the forgiveness, but I think it's more than that. I think it is for both. It is vital for me to truly forgive JT but it is equally as important for him to see that I have forgiven him. It is important for me to offer it and it is important for him to accept that forgiveness....I mean if we are looking at Christ as our example we can see that He extended the forgiveness to us and then we have the option of accepting it or not. Both parts, the offering and the accepting are huge.
Deliverance is a powerful word. It means freedom. So if we are walking in forgiveness, both accepting it and offering it...we are walking in freedom. That may mean that we have to let go of the pain that someone put us through.
When we were offered the forgiveness of Christ, it was extended to us with the COMPLETE knowledge of all of our sins. He already knew all the pain that we would cause, all the choices that we would make that would separate us from Him. He knew that there would be times when we would know what we were doing was wrong, but do it anyway...and even with all that knowledge...Christ extended the forgiveness anyway. So that makes me think about how I extend forgiveness. Am I willing to extend it even when I know that someone may hurt me? Do I give forgiveness to JT the way that Christ gave it to me?
I asked Jesus in my heart when I was six. Since then, I have been unfaithful to Him at times. I have lied to Him. I have tried to hide things from Him. I have hurt His heart. I have put things or other people above my relationship with Him...and He forgave me. Completely. How then can I possibly think that a "sin" that someone has done against me is worse than what I have done against Him? Jesus gave up all of Heaven to come down and take on this flesh and die for me KNOWING how unfaithful I would be....but He did it anyway. How can I choose to "withhold" forgiveness when it has been lavished on me over and over? I simply cannot. Not if I am walking in the foot prints that Jesus left for us. Another thing I am learning is that two words belong together....they are: Forgiveness and Thankfulness.
Have you ever thought about how those two words belong together? I sure hadn't. But God showed me how important it is that those two words stay together. I need to be thankful that I am where I am right now in life...in this moment. I need to be able to praise God for ALL my moments. The good ones. The bad ones. The hard ones. The happy ones. The tear-filled ones. ALL of them. I need to thank God for these moments because without walking through them, I would never have gotten to know God like I have. Without having everything stripped away from me, I would never have truly relied on God for my needs. Without walking through the pain and hurt of JT's addictions and Kari's mental illness, I would never have the compassion for others who walk this road as well.
I can see that now....I can thank God for the road that I am on. I can praise Him because of where He is leading me...I can lift my hands in surrender to WHEREVER HE LEADS....and I will follow. I am learning to trust each step....one tiny step at a time. I'm learning to not worry about tomorrow's steps, but to just walk THIS day in thankfulness and forgiveness. When you walk in true thankfulness, it is hard to hold people's "sins' against them because you are always walking with the knowledge of the grace that God gives you daily. And when you walk in true forgiveness, you are "delivered" from hate, anger, meanness...feelings that are not from God....and that makes you thankful! See how they always go together! I just love how God has entwined these words for me. I want to continue studying forgiveness and thankfulness....I want to learn more about they are linked. And then I want to walk each day in thankfulness for all that God has and is doing in my life....my husband's life, my children's lives, my marriage....God's forgiveness goes beyond what I am capable of understanding. It blows me away and it makes me....well....it makes me thankful. It is becoming this beautiful dance between Creator and created...and I am learning to love the LEARNING of the dance.
