He is here!

     

           I sit and stare....just gazing at this paper in front of me...mesmerized.  My eyes will not be given freedom from this tiny, little piece of paper. It is so small and written so neatly...and it holds such deep truths for me. It is the letter I wrote last year going into the new year. 2013 was over and 2014 was just beginning and my heart was full of the promises that could be...and never were. I had such hopes going into last year. I had written my prayer for the new year like I always do...year after year...and at the end of each year, I pull them out and read over them. But this year...it just took my breath away. I had written about my hopes and my dreams, the deepest desires of my heart for the next year. I had prayed over this letter and asked God to bless our next year and fill it with adventures of growth. And this was by far the worst year...and the best. 

     As I sat there remembering how I felt a year ago as I had written this letter, I began to feel so small. We live in this amazing beautiful world that God created, and there is always the spiritual going on right alongside the physical. Both worlds flowing together...one unseen and one overwhelming. We forget at times that the picture we see and deal with every day is such a tiny part of the picture...the beautiful, unforgettable picture of God's love story for us. Always pursuing...always reaching out...always active. Always so much bigger than what we know...
     I had no idea as I sat there and wrote, what the year ahead would bring our family. I had no idea of the hurt and deep, soul-filled sobs that would emerge from my spirit. I did not understand that doubts and fears would plague me for long sleepless nights. I could not see as I sat in the quiet with my pen and paper that very shortly our family would walk through a dark valley that would threaten to destroy us all...nor did I have any idea of how the angels were already at work preparing for our battle. I did not know that the Holy Spirit was preparing the hearts of my children, my husband, and myself to be able to walk through this next adventure to come. I wasn't thinking about the moments that were to come when I would be free falling and completely unsure of where I would land...

     Just like now....as I sit here and write this and wonder about the upcoming New Year. I view it all so differently this year. Last year I went into the new year with my plans. My dream. My thoughts. My goals. But this year....I have but one thing I will do. I will open my hands in complete surrender with each finger stretched out wide. I will accept whatever this year holds with a heart of gratefulness...because out of all that I have learned this past year, one of the most important is this: God will provide. He just will. Whether it is food, or money for a bill, or strength, or patience, or grace....or forgiveness. Or wisdom. God WILL provide. So I don't have to know what this next year is going to bring. I don't have to make all the plans and goals although there is nothing wrong with any of those things...I just have to have hope.  I have to keep walking forward each day in the faith that God is continually pursuing us with deep passion. I have to know that His Word is true and then...I just have to stand on it even when I don't "feel" it.
       We have come through a time where I literally feel as though we have seen the waters part and we have walked on dry land. I feel this past year we have seen miracles and I have gotten to know the Holy Spirit in such an intimate way that it still leaves me breathless! In August, I wasn't sure if my marriage would make it. I didn't know if our family would survive the problems that come with mental illness that my daughter was walking through. I wasn't sure if "hope" was a real thing....and even though my knees became raw and my eyes burned from crying....God provided. I am sitting here today writing this more in love than ever with my husband. My daughter who struggles with mental illness is safe. God provided. Hope won. The enemy may have fought hard against our family and I know he will continue to do so...but hope wins. I will not fear when I have walked through such darkness and God has never left me....how can I? I have been in utter despair and God has heard my cries...He has redeemed our family. He has rescued and restored my marriage....God is here! Right here. Right in this moment. Right now.

           How can I not sing at the top of my lungs or dance around?! GOD PROVIDED!!! I would never have once chosen on my own to walk this journey. I would never have once chosen to walk a road of addiction and rehab with my husband, or mental illness and despair with my daughter. I would never have chosen for our family to be without any income for nearly four months. I would never have chosen this...but I am so grateful that I walked it. I am so grateful that I have gotten to know many others who walk this road right beside me and know exactly what I am talking about right now:)   I am so grateful that our family didn't just survive this chapter....but we learned from it! We grew as a family, a couple, a daughter and son of the King.          

           Maybe for you, it is through an illness or a death, or a loss of a home. A divorce or a heartbreak that you know you cannot make it through... I think that through our greatest grief, we see the hand of God most clearly. It is when we are in our rawest moments, stripped of all the facades that we show the world....it is in those moments that God reveals Himself in such ways that will take our breath away. When the tears are falling, and our throats are aching from crying out to Him....when there is no physical way we can survive...the spiritual is moving. Our spirit may be groaning because at that moment it is all we can do....and the spiritual is moving. Your heart may be broken right now at this moment....your spirit may be overwhelmed...and the spiritual is moving. 

      There is not one moment of this past year or the upcoming year that you were or will be alone. There is not one moment that you were forgotten or overlooked....you are His beloved! We are His cherished children....and the ones that He pursues to the point of giving up all of His kingdom and dying for us JUST so that we can have an intimate, active, beautiful relationship with Him. He is in every single one of our moments. Every. Single. One. When you are feeling alone and scared...He is there. When your heart is down and in great despair...He is there. When your mind is full of doubts and fears....He. Is. There. This is something I know to be as true as the air in my lungs! He. Is. Here. Surrender. Open your hands. Stretch out your fingers. Raise your face to the sun and breathe deeply...He. Is. Here.

       So this year, as we surrender all of our everything to Him, let us just drop all the pretending and let's just have a year of being completely honest with each other. Let us share our hearts with each other and let us wrap our arms around each other. Let us take this next year to just live by these simple things: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I pray we will take this year to realize that everything is spiritual. That God is in every detail of our lives. Quiet your soul my friend....He is here. This next year already belongs to Him. Let Him have it. Open those hands....stretch out each finger....and surrender. Give this year to Him. Take a deep breath and just sit back in the shelter of Him. His love for you is beyond what you know or can imagine....and it never stops....and He is here!

That long ago night...

                                               
          That long ago night was leading up to this night....these thoughts. That long ago night when Mary...so young....was riding on that donkey feeling the pains of labor. Her thoughts must have been jumping from one thing to the next...questions about how and why...fears of what if....joy from deep within remembering the angel's visit. I wonder how her heart must have been hammering...and then Joseph....walking for miles and with each step another question...another thought. What would this be like? How can he help Mary? Would love fill his heart for this child? Would his family accept this child as his son?
   And then there was Heaven...preparing....the Three gathered together. Talking. And the angels...preparing for the announcement to the shepherds. Preparing for their King to become man...preparing for the Creator to become the created. The King Jesus....the ruler of Heaven...preparing to become an infant....what was that like? Where there a hush in Heaven? Or was there a great hustle and bustle with great anticipation of the coming night! And what were the citizens of Heaven doing? Gathered around the throne, with all their breathes held tightly, as they listened to the Three explain what was about to happen...I imagine joy feeling their hearts as they realized that THIS was the moment that they had read about...wondered about...and longed for. It was happening and they were getting a front row seat to it all! Abraham and Sarah, Adam and Eve, Isaac, Boaz,  Rahab, David....the lineage of Christ...watching from above. I can only imagine all the conversations that must having been going on in Heaven that night!

      Then....He is here. Gone from all the glory of Heaven to settle into life....here...as a child. It still blows my mind when I try to understand it! The Christ becoming flesh....the pursuit of us. All thirty-three of those years spent in this great love story...resulting in the Holy Spirit being given to us as a forever continuing love song for our hearts. A rock to stand on. A light to guide....and all that from the first moment of," Let us make man..." It is such a humbling, beautiful thought. How great His love is for us!
       Tonight is Christmas Eve, and I cannot help but think of that night. Tonight, Jesus knows where you are. He sees right into your heart and knows the pain there, the sadness, the tears that flow when no one is looking...and He aches for you. Christmas is not always about laughter and joy...sometimes it comes with a longing deep within...an ache for the loss of someone that seems so far away at this moment. Sometimes it comes with a sadness or depression when you don't even know why...and sometimes it comes with feelings of rejection and disapproval...and the Christ child....He knew. He knew we would struggle with these things and He knew how our hearts would ache with tears and fears. He knew...and He pursued. He loves. He does not need or want you to be anyone other than who you are right now at this moment. He doesn't need the perfect Christmas card. He doesn't need the perfect house or gift...He IS the gift. All He needs is a heart that is open to Him. A heart that stops...listens...and believes.
          I imagine as all of Heaven looks down and watches each of us celebrating...and they remember that moment....that moment when King Jesus said goodbye to Heaven and embraced the confines of the womb....I imagine that moment when King Jesus took His first breath as a baby....all for you. For me. For His beloved children. He doesn't need us to run around yelling at the traffic or quickly throwing money in the salvation army pot...He wants us to slow down. To stop and just be grateful....for Him.

        Are we grateful for everything He has done? Are we grateful for each life gift He gives us every single day? I want to be grateful! Not just for all the good...but for ALL. I want to see that each trial has been a gift. It has drawn me close to His heart....where He has held me. Each tear that has fallen from my broken heart, He has been there to catch. Not one single one of those tears has fallen unnoticed....not one. He doesn't need us to be fake...He just wants us to be real. So if your hurting....tell Him. If you are sad...it's ok. If you ache deep in your soul....He is there. You are not alone.
       He gave up all of Heaven for one reason...you. He left His kingdom for one purpose...you. He was beaten, tortured cruelly, cursed and spit upon for one goal....you. You are His everything. You are His love. Is He yours? I pray this Christmas, that each of us will make the time to really look into our hearts and see if we live out each day with one purpose in mind...Jesus. I pray that we will praise Him for ALL that He has and is doing. I pray that we will know that the Christmas story isn't over yet....we are still preparing for the next chapter...Heaven. It is coming...this new Kingdom...with no fear and no pain...and Jesus.

A Christmas letter from us to you....

                                                     
          Where does one begin to write about when facing the year we have had? Where does one start? How can I put into words everything that we have went through and how God has spoken over our lives and reached across the spiritual into the physical with such mighty power that it has left us breathless with wonder and awe of His love for us?! I will try my best and pray that my heart is transparent and open for all to see the great transformation our family has had over the year 2014....
         When this year started we had no idea the challenges, hurts, agony, joy, wonder, and redemption that awaited us...isn't that a fascinating thing to think about? We have no idea what tomorrow brings...but God does. Have you taken the time this year to really stop and think about Christmas? What does it mean?
        This has been such a learning year for our family and one thing we have learned alot of is Christ....His passion, His love, His emotion for us...His children. That is what Christmas is all about...it all started in the garden of Eden and continued in a beautiful love story full of the pursuit of the King seeking the heart of His children. The creator loving the created. And on Christmas day that love became flesh. The Kingdom of heaven was traded for a dirty barn. The heavenly host praises were given up for the questions of men...and it was all given up with such love! How can we ever claim that God is not real! How can we ever think He doesn't love us?! When all of Heaven was traded in...for this...life. Here on earth with all of its hurts and pain....taken on willingly because of His great love for us...sigh....amazing love, how can it be!?!
    So back to our part of this love story...my husband JT has struggled with addictions since he was a young teen. He has never been able to completely rid them from his life no matter how hard he tried...and it caused many, many problems in our marriage because as with most addictions, the lies and deceit came and it damaged our marriage and has damaged it for nearly 14 years...and there were moments when I was certain that we would not be able to recover. The damage was to great. The pain to deep...and the best thing would be for us to just start over. JT and I decided that the very last hope was for him to go into treatment somewhere that would help him deal with these addictions head on. It was not a choice that we made lightly...and it came at a great price to our family...but it was JT's ONLY hope of being able to walk in freedom from these addictions that had held him in bondage for so long. So he entered into a treatment facility in August that would end up lasting until December. It was long and painful and wonderful and amazing and beautiful. I saw my husbands heart break and I felt his tears fall on mine. I saw my heart agonize and seek for answers and I saw the Holy Spirit bring peace and healing. I saw daughters who struggled with the why come to understand the provision of God in their lives. I saw tiny daughters begin with tears and end with dances of praise! I saw a living testimony walk through each step with us. I came to know the Holy Spirit in such a deep way that I never would have known had I not walked this road. It was part of our love story....part of the pursuit of our complete hearts...not just part...but ALL.

        During this time our precious Kari continued to struggle with rages and ended up attacking to the point of having to go into a treatment facility to help her learn of her own actions and consequences of those actions...many, many tears came with this part of the story. Deep racking sobs that felt the soul tear apart...deep sadness and feelings of failure as I looked at a marriage and my daughters life and saw pain everywhere. Falling to your knees unsure of whether you would be able to get back up...and having friends show up right at that moment to help you stand...and hold you up when your knees would buckle. Our part of the story included friends that became family and family that became friends as they helped support us with words, calls, prayers, and gifts....relationships that cannot be broken because they are built on Christ....all the while...the pursuit. The Christ that came down as flesh, becoming broken for us, so that we as broken people could become whole. This learning of the Spirit of Christ...not just Christmas...has been world changing for us as a family!
       So even though our Christmas letter this year is not full of laughter and giggles...it IS full of redemption and renewal! It is ONLY by the wondrous nature of Christ that our marriage is not just together...but still passionately in love! It is by the power of the Holy Spirit that every day we wake up not knowing where the manna will come from for the day ahead...the bills ahead....but KNOWING that it WILL COME....because God ALWAYS provides. Sometimes in ways that leave me scratching my head wondering why and sometimes in ways that leave me down on my knees in awe! Each one of us have learned...ARE LEARNING....so much about the faithfulness of God. His provision, His love, His pursuit....and He sees this year that has been as a beautiful year! We could easily look back and say," why?"....we could get frustrated at the journey that we have been on for so long...or we can praise. It is just that simple. We CHOOSE each day to wake up and walk in faith or not. And I don't mean to wake up each day with laughter and giggles...there have been plenty of days that nothing but tears have come from me...but it is about faith. Believing that the Three that hovered over the nothingness and created beauty, that the One who began a passionate love story way back in the Garden is still writing that love story. It is about surrendering all we have....sigh...ALL. We. Have....to Him. Every thought, every bill, every need, every want, every bondage, every hurt,every joy, ALL....and then believing that He is faithful to His word! Because friends....the one thing I have learned more than anything is He IS FAITHFUL! He will not leave you in that hurt you feel right now. He will not walk away from you because of that addiction that you cannot stop no matter how hard you try. He will not judge you because you don't "live up" to His expectations....no....He loves you. He loves you in ways that are beyond what we are capable of understanding. He pursues us in ways that we can only imagine! We are His beloved. He children. His heir to His kingdom. His beautiful, broken, amazing family and I am so humbled to be in this family!

     So for us...this Christmas is about the WHOLE story of Christ...the story that started in the Garden, walked through the wilderness, survived broken dreams, captivity, bondage from sin, until the beautiful chapter where Our God....Our Christ...took on the form of man to set us free forever....it is about the chapter at the tomb where angels asked why we looked for the living among the dead, and it is about this moment right now. This moment where you are reading this and I am writing this and together we are being pursued by a passionate Creator who loves us....and the story will change one day to a new setting of eternity where we will be a citizen of Heaven and the love story will continue forever from there....sigh....that is what Christmas is about for us this year. The Story.
           So please....I ask you from deep within my heart....take time this season to stop. To breathe. To kiss. To hug. To talk. To listen....we are given a million beautiful moments of grace every single day and we miss them so many times because we are so busy and hurried....so just stop. Turn off all the tv's and games, put on some beautiful music, gather your family around and ask each of them what they think is the most important part of Christmas and how they live out that belief....listen to each other's hearts. Cherish that moment of grace you have been given.
                                         Merry Christmas my friends.
                                              JT and Brandi Shearer
                       Whitney, Kari, Searra, Chyanne, Mercy and Gracie
I leave you with this video...I love it because it is not all about the beauty of Christmas but the pain that comes with life as well...and the knowing that it was from that moment of Christ being born that brought us into this moment of peace...

       

Surrendered to Hope...

                  Many times we walk around but do not see...we listen but never hear...and we miss the beauty of what is going on all around us! For me, learning to see and to listen began in the darkness of watching my love struggle with addictions....

      Addiction recovery is not an easy journey...it is not easy for the one recovering and it is not easy for the family of that loved one. When seeking help you look for a place that gives you hope...because that hope is attacked every day. 

     For our family and many families if not ALL families...this road is heartbreaking. You watch someone you love, slowly become infected with something that will ultimately kill them. You feel helpless and breathless at times as you pray and beg for God to do something!  You don't really understand why they can't or won't stop and you can feel your heart beat slow in agony as you watch them...and hope begins to fade away. So when we confronted my husband with the fact that for him to live would be for him to get help in a treatment facility was not an easy task...we are a single income family of eight. What would people think? How would they treat us? How would we survive? All of these questions came up and more...rotating over and over in our minds....but ultimately it came down to this...did we want this to end in something other than death? If we did, then we would face whatever we needed to because that is where it was headed...into death...
    So we took a deep breath and jumped. Straight into the unknown and scary waters of addiction recovery. My heart was pounding and many times I could not stop the tears...I loved this man with all my heart. I believed in him. I still had no idea why these addictions held him so tightly in their grasp. I could physically see him struggle with them at times...as though they were a real demon...maybe they are. I knew that he wanted to stop and couldn't...no matter how hard he tried or wanted to...he just couldn't. The addiction was ruling his life now...it was calling the shots and leading our family....and we both wanted our family back. Our marriage back.
     So he left....and went to seek and find the help that he craved. He went to find the answers of why within his own soul...and I was left to find mine. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done, encouraging him to leave our family to find help....because we had all the reasons not too....our finances were bad, our home needed some repairs, one of our children was struggling with medical problems, it was bad timing...all the reasons to stay were here...but that option would lead to death. Death for our marriage. Death to our family. Death to my husband....and I wanted LIFE! So with the tiniest amount of hope, we made the decision and walked straight off that cliff...and you know what? We didn't fall. I thought for sure we would...but we didn't! We began a faith walk that was like no other I have ever walked!

       When we first started this journey I viewed this as my husbands problem...I mean my husband was the addict, therefore, this was HIS problem...not mine. And I was supportive of him to a degree but I would get very defensive when he would talk to me about anything other than HIS problems....even when he was trying to tell me what I could do to help him.I didn't want to change or  think I needed to in any way...this was his problem and he needed to change...not me.But as time went by, and God began to work on me as well I learned much about my own heart. I learned that I knew very little about addictions. I knew the hurt they caused and that was about it....past that...I didn't really know.
       God began to teach me about addictions and open the eyes of my heart to things that I needed to change. I began to see that I had enabled. Alot. And that I had just as much to work on as my husband did:) God began to change the way I viewed the word," Addict"....because for so many years that word was usually associated in my mind with homeless people or people who lived under bridges or dug in trash cans for food...and although that can describe addicts...God began to show me that addicts were the people sitting next to us in church, terrified that someone would "find out" their addiction. They were our friends and neighbors. They were our teachers and pastors, coaches and mentors...they were people exactly like me. They were husbands and fathers, sons and brothers....they had dreams and passions and goals...they had jobs of all different backgrounds. They were wealthy and poor. They were just men.,,,trapped in a nightmare of hurting the ones they loved when even they didn't always understand why! Their hearts were broken but they couldn't stop...they needed that drug, that alcohol, that next fix, that picture, that bet....they just couldn't walk away, no matter how much they tried or begged God to take it away. They were trapped. And we were trapped in this nightmare with them....and they only way out was to surrender it ALL. To educate ourselves on addictions and enabling. To become warriors that fought hand in hand with other warriors that battled the same addictions. So we began to train...instead of learning...it changed to training...training for the battle ahead. Knowing it would be there, but learning how to fight it.
       A huge part of learning how to fight addictions came for my husband and our family in the way of a place called," Rob's Ranch". From the first moment our family walked onto the ranch, we felt like we were not alone. There are no words that can describe that feeling...for so many years, I had bought the lie that we were the only ones that struggled with things like this. We were the only people who went to church, loved Jesus, loved each other and our family....and struggled with addictions. Walking onto Rob's Ranch was walking through a door that was filled with darkness into a field of light. And there were others in the field with us. We were NOT alone.
         I have come to see the men at this place as some of the bravest men I have ever met. They don't give up...no matter how hard the fight is, or how long it has lasted...when they fall, they get back up. I have come to see the counselors as some of the most anointed. They have walked the journey before and stand side by side with these men, fighting for them to overcome. They cheer for them and they cry with them...they become part of the family.
     Rob's Ranch had an education day that was probably one of the single most important day's in my life. It took us through the mind of an addict...how they think, how their brain is wired, just educated me about addictions in ways that I had never thought of in a million years. We also had these beautiful moments where we could sit in a room full of people who truly understood what it was like to love someone who was addicted to things that would kill them. I heard their stories and saw their tears and hearts bonded....because we were not alone. There is something very powerful about a community of people who are like minded...and we were all like minded in that room...we wanted our loved ones to overcome the addictions that fought to hold them in bondage.

        After leaving there that day with my parents who had come with me, I had a whole new mindset...one of victory. I knew the road would not be easy, but we had HOPE! And that is something that we all cling to....HOPE! It is one of the most beautiful words out there. How grateful I am that God has given us places like Rob's Ranch to help fill our empty and broken hearts with HOPE! I have seen my husband go from someone who was darkened and saddened by hopelessness to a man who walks with freedom....what a difference! I know the road before us is long and will have many bumps and curves...because that is life. But our life has HOPE. It is not dark or scary. I have learned about my faith in ways that I never would have learned had I not walked this road with my husband. I have learned about what I believe about a covenant marriage. I have learned that my God is faithful and true! I have seen His great love for my husband in the midst of his darkest days...and I have seen Him use Rob's Ranch to reach down into the mud and pull my husband out...bit by bit...until he was free. And that my friends....is enough to bring anyone down to their knees with hands out stretched in praise to the King! Becoming surrendered is the single most beautiful thing I have ever watched...and it still leaves me breathless....