I stopped writing.
I couldn't even stand the thought of picking up pencil and putting it to paper....because I was a failure. I had made a stand on marriage. I had made a stand on redemption. I had a made a stand....and failed. How could I write? What could I possibly say that anyone would ever want to read or listen too?
So I stopped writing.
I put my pencil away. I put my journal in a drawer and closed it. I turned and walked away with my shoulders so heavy and I got lost in the pain.
Every breath felt like a fight. I was tortured at every waking moment with thoughts of what if and if only's....and my grief was so thick that I still don't have the words to explain it. I don't think they exist. A brokenness that deep goes beyond words....
I still struggle with some of these very things....but I want to write again. I NEED to write....it is as much a part of me as breathing. I need to share my heart....the raw parts that some people are scared of. The bleeding parts that some people want to run away from or ignore. The parts that are still breathing....I want to share this journey I am on because I am not the only one on this journey. There are many of us...men and women....who are walking this road right beside each other. I don't want to be so caught up in my own pain and hurt that I forget to look over and see you there next to me. We don't have to be alone in this.
We don't have to stay "quiet".
We don't have to "keep it to ourselves".
We don't have to pretend that our world didn't fall apart. It did.
Can we just say that out loud please? Our world DID fall apart and it hurts when that happens.
Maybe your world fell apart with sickness or addictions. Maybe your world fell apart when you were left alone by the one who should have stood by you. Maybe your world fell apart when you lost your job, your home, your family. Maybe your world fell apart with that phone call like mine did. Maybe your world fell part with that diagnosis....that prayer desperately prayed for...only to seem to go unanswered. Every single person reading this can tell me a story of when their world fell apart...I wish you would. I want to hear it. It matters.
When we can say out loud our fears and our pain....it releases something in us. A burden of "holding it all together" is lifted...and instead we can stand there raw and authentic and without fear or shame.
This last year has stripped me raw in every way. It has taken things from me. Things that left deep scars when they were ripped from me....because that wasn't the way it should have been.
Death is not suppose to be a part of our story....but it is.
Sickness is not suppose to be the way a person lives....and dies....but it is for many.
Depression and sadness that won't lift should never be the garment we wear, but for so many, it is....and they wear it in silence. This breaks my heart.
I don't want to be a part of that.
I want you to share your pain. I want you to know that you are heard. And seen. And that your pain matters.
I don't want you to feel ignored or overlooked. I don't want you to think that no one cares....
I haven't known what to write lately because I have been afraid of what others will say. I have felt like a failure. But a failure in what? I'm not even really sure....it was just this overwhelming feeling of not being good enough and of not having any value.
My self-esteem has taken a beating this year. I have never felt uglier, never felt as unworthy, and never felt as despised and unwanted as I have this year. I still do sometimes. I still tend to avoid mirrors and pictures....because even though I know it isn't true, there is that ever present demon whispering to me how I wasn't pretty enough for my husband to stay....how I didn't have enough value to my husband for him to fight for me....and how easily I was traded in. It has changed me. It has left its wounds....but I am grateful that I have the Holy Spirit Himself living within me and He continues to speak truth over me. Truth that I AM beautiful. That I AM worthy. That I DO have value....and that sin is why my husband left. Not because of anything I did or didn't do. It was simply because of a choice my husband made....a choice that put our family and our marriage in grave danger.
I still have a long way to go on understanding truth and not allowing the lies to speak over me. It's hard. At times, I don't think I can do it....but then...I look over....and there you are. Walking this same road. There are my daughters...watching me. Taking their cues about their worth and identity from me....and I have to keep fighting. I have to keep breathing. So I have to be honest. Raw. Authentic. For without that....I am not me at all anymore.
I will share my story. I will share my daughters story. We will walk this road openly and without fear. Please don't look the other way at my pain. Please don't act like my world hasn't fallen apart....or that my daughters hearts have been shattered. Instead....look into our eyes, unafraid of the pain you may see there....and love us. Where we are right now. Don't ask us to "move on" or "let go" one more time.
we will.
we are.
but we are also grieving. Let us grieve. Let us work through this pain....
And just be here.
Because ultimately....I choose joy. I choose to hear the music that God sings over me and I choose to praise His name! He HAS ALREADY written a beautiful song and story out of all of these ashes. I believe that! I truly do!! His Word is FULL of promises that I can hide deep in my heart that are bold and daring prayers of the impossible happening. I still believe in the beauty of music...of dancing...of reading God's Word and being simply blown away by the goodness that HE IS. I believe in hope. I believe in dreaming....and loving people who hurt you. I believe in praying for people that wounded you. I believe in seeing them as God does....hurting and broken...and valuable. He loves them...and so will I.
So tonight....in being raw and authentic....I open my heart to you. Sure, it has some wounds...some may still be bleeding a bit....but look closer my friend....those scars are telling a beautiful story of a faithful and true King who continues to provide, protect and sing over me and my daughters. Those scars are no longer ugly to me...and I won't hide them from you. Let's be raw. Always. Let's be real. Always. Let's not be afraid to share the hard parts of our stories....because it is in the hardest parts of the story that God shows Himself so beautiful and faithful it will leave you breathless!!
How I love living this story He is writing...and how I pray I will glorify Him through every. single. chapter.
