Thanksgiving approaches.
With it comes overwhelming gratitude...
With it comes overwhelming sadness...
The beauty of true thankfulness is that it looks all of life right in the eye and acknowledges all the chapters that have come so far....and it says thank you.
Thankfulness doesn't come from having a life that is perfectly packaged and delivered in Pinterest worthy fashion.
Thankfulness that flows from the heart can be wrapped in ribbons of humanity which may look like sadness, grief, questions, and wonderings....and through it all, a steady rhythm beats in the breast of the brokenhearted. Thankful. Grateful. Humbled to live a life that is rich with all that life has to offer, which includes pain and hurt sometimes.
This will be the first Thanksgiving without our Kari girl on earth.
I close my eyes and think of how we will all gather together and bow our heads and she will not be there with us.
I think of how we will each take a plate and fill it full with favorite dishes that are looked forward to each year, and how she will not be there.
I close my eyes and am taken back to years before...and can hear her laugh so clearly that I long to keep my eyes closed forever, for I know when I open them...she will be gone again. In the quiet moments where I am taken back in time, I see her pumping her legs on a swing singing her praises out to Jesus loud and sweet. I see long blonde hair streaming in the breeze and a smile as she looks up to Heaven singing to her King. How she loved singing to Him! I keep my eyes closed and breathe deep and slow...and think of how she is now walking with Jesus face to face and how she must be singing to Him with such joy.
I slowly open my eyes and am back...here in the house where she was raised...where her pictures still smile back at me from their spot on the wall and where her imprints are seen every day. I look out the window and see the brilliant colored leaves falling from the trees and wonder if there is a Fall in Heaven. I see the wind blow the leaves around and the sunshine plays on the burning bush in the yard and think of the colors Kari must be seeing this year in Heaven. Colors that my eyes have never seen.
Thanksgiving. A time we pause and think of all that we have been given. This year, I think of all that I have lost as well. Thinking about the things lost isn't bad when it is wrapped in the very presence of the King. The loss is a reality. But so is the presence of Christ through it all. That acknowledgment brings about such thankfulness in my soul.
As I stand up slowly from the porch and lift my face to the sun and feel the warmth of it caress my wounded heart, I am able to lift up hands that are weary as well and praise God in the midst of deep heartbreak. Gratitude floods over me in gentle waves even as tears fall down my face. I take a deep breath again...and I lean into the strength that Christ offers me through a Cross that is blood-soaked and stained with the burdens of His daughters and sons. That Cross leads my eyes to look to the tomb where He was laid silent and cold and I think of the pain I felt when I picked out a place to lay my Kari. I let those emotions come and I take another deep breath...slow and deep. I think of that tomb where Christ was laid and I look up to Heaven where I know He reigns eternal. I think of the empty tomb and the risen Savior and thankfulness crashes over me as I sink down to my knees.
It took His death to defeat the death of my daughter. It took the death of my Savior to give life to my Kari without any pain and any grief. I see the clouds pass by in the sky, taking different shapes as they blow across my hurting heart, and peace comes. A peace that my Kari girl has not had a single seizure since she stepped onto a street made of gold. She has not struggled with fears or anxiety even once. She has not wrestled against the mental illness that she fought hard on a daily basis. A calmness comes over me as I think of her dancing and giggling her infectious giggle and a smile breaks out across my face. My momma's heart rejoices with my baby girl and I whisper to her, "Happy Thanksgiving Kari".
True Thanksgiving comes from a broken and contrite heart that sees the beauty of the heart of Christ.
When He gives.
When He takes.
So this Thanksgiving, my prayer for all of you is that you will not just "count your blessings" but that you will take time to pause long enough to look at some of the hardest parts of your story, the parts that brought you to your knees...and You will see a strand of beauty rising from that pain. You will see the presence of Christ woven throughout those parts of your story...steady and strong. The Rock that has gotten you through the deepest of shatterings.
