Many times we walk around but do not see...we listen but never hear...and we miss the beauty of what is going on all around us! For me, learning to see and to listen began in the darkness of watching my love struggle with addictions....
Addiction recovery is not an easy journey...it is not easy for the one recovering and it is not easy for the family of that loved one. When seeking help you look for a place that gives you hope...because that hope is attacked every day.
For our family and many families if not ALL families...this road is heartbreaking. You watch someone you love, slowly become infected with something that will ultimately kill them. You feel helpless and breathless at times as you pray and beg for God to do something! You don't really understand why they can't or won't stop and you can feel your heart beat slow in agony as you watch them...and hope begins to fade away. So when we confronted my husband with the fact that for him to live would be for him to get help in a treatment facility was not an easy task...we are a single income family of eight. What would people think? How would they treat us? How would we survive? All of these questions came up and more...rotating over and over in our minds....but ultimately it came down to this...did we want this to end in something other than death? If we did, then we would face whatever we needed to because that is where it was headed...into death...
So we took a deep breath and jumped. Straight into the unknown and scary waters of addiction recovery. My heart was pounding and many times I could not stop the tears...I loved this man with all my heart. I believed in him. I still had no idea why these addictions held him so tightly in their grasp. I could physically see him struggle with them at times...as though they were a real demon...maybe they are. I knew that he wanted to stop and couldn't...no matter how hard he tried or wanted to...he just couldn't. The addiction was ruling his life now...it was calling the shots and leading our family....and we both wanted our family back. Our marriage back.
So he left....and went to seek and find the help that he craved. He went to find the answers of why within his own soul...and I was left to find mine. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done, encouraging him to leave our family to find help....because we had all the reasons not too....our finances were bad, our home needed some repairs, one of our children was struggling with medical problems, it was bad timing...all the reasons to stay were here...but that option would lead to death. Death for our marriage. Death to our family. Death to my husband....and I wanted LIFE! So with the tiniest amount of hope, we made the decision and walked straight off that cliff...and you know what? We didn't fall. I thought for sure we would...but we didn't! We began a faith walk that was like no other I have ever walked!
When we first started this journey I viewed this as my husbands problem...I mean my husband was the addict, therefore, this was HIS problem...not mine. And I was supportive of him to a degree but I would get very defensive when he would talk to me about anything other than HIS problems....even when he was trying to tell me what I could do to help him.I didn't want to change or think I needed to in any way...this was his problem and he needed to change...not me.But as time went by, and God began to work on me as well I learned much about my own heart. I learned that I knew very little about addictions. I knew the hurt they caused and that was about it....past that...I didn't really know.
God began to teach me about addictions and open the eyes of my heart to things that I needed to change. I began to see that I had enabled. Alot. And that I had just as much to work on as my husband did:) God began to change the way I viewed the word," Addict"....because for so many years that word was usually associated in my mind with homeless people or people who lived under bridges or dug in trash cans for food...and although that can describe addicts...God began to show me that addicts were the people sitting next to us in church, terrified that someone would "find out" their addiction. They were our friends and neighbors. They were our teachers and pastors, coaches and mentors...they were people exactly like me. They were husbands and fathers, sons and brothers....they had dreams and passions and goals...they had jobs of all different backgrounds. They were wealthy and poor. They were just men.,,,trapped in a nightmare of hurting the ones they loved when even they didn't always understand why! Their hearts were broken but they couldn't stop...they needed that drug, that alcohol, that next fix, that picture, that bet....they just couldn't walk away, no matter how much they tried or begged God to take it away. They were trapped. And we were trapped in this nightmare with them....and they only way out was to surrender it ALL. To educate ourselves on addictions and enabling. To become warriors that fought hand in hand with other warriors that battled the same addictions. So we began to train...instead of learning...it changed to training...training for the battle ahead. Knowing it would be there, but learning how to fight it.
A huge part of learning how to fight addictions came for my husband and our family in the way of a place called," Rob's Ranch". From the first moment our family walked onto the ranch, we felt like we were not alone. There are no words that can describe that feeling...for so many years, I had bought the lie that we were the only ones that struggled with things like this. We were the only people who went to church, loved Jesus, loved each other and our family....and struggled with addictions. Walking onto Rob's Ranch was walking through a door that was filled with darkness into a field of light. And there were others in the field with us. We were NOT alone.
I have come to see the men at this place as some of the bravest men I have ever met. They don't give up...no matter how hard the fight is, or how long it has lasted...when they fall, they get back up. I have come to see the counselors as some of the most anointed. They have walked the journey before and stand side by side with these men, fighting for them to overcome. They cheer for them and they cry with them...they become part of the family.
Rob's Ranch had an education day that was probably one of the single most important day's in my life. It took us through the mind of an addict...how they think, how their brain is wired, just educated me about addictions in ways that I had never thought of in a million years. We also had these beautiful moments where we could sit in a room full of people who truly understood what it was like to love someone who was addicted to things that would kill them. I heard their stories and saw their tears and hearts bonded....because we were not alone. There is something very powerful about a community of people who are like minded...and we were all like minded in that room...we wanted our loved ones to overcome the addictions that fought to hold them in bondage.
After leaving there that day with my parents who had come with me, I had a whole new mindset...one of victory. I knew the road would not be easy, but we had HOPE! And that is something that we all cling to....HOPE! It is one of the most beautiful words out there. How grateful I am that God has given us places like Rob's Ranch to help fill our empty and broken hearts with HOPE! I have seen my husband go from someone who was darkened and saddened by hopelessness to a man who walks with freedom....what a difference! I know the road before us is long and will have many bumps and curves...because that is life. But our life has HOPE. It is not dark or scary. I have learned about my faith in ways that I never would have learned had I not walked this road with my husband. I have learned about what I believe about a covenant marriage. I have learned that my God is faithful and true! I have seen His great love for my husband in the midst of his darkest days...and I have seen Him use Rob's Ranch to reach down into the mud and pull my husband out...bit by bit...until he was free. And that my friends....is enough to bring anyone down to their knees with hands out stretched in praise to the King! Becoming surrendered is the single most beautiful thing I have ever watched...and it still leaves me breathless....
So we took a deep breath and jumped. Straight into the unknown and scary waters of addiction recovery. My heart was pounding and many times I could not stop the tears...I loved this man with all my heart. I believed in him. I still had no idea why these addictions held him so tightly in their grasp. I could physically see him struggle with them at times...as though they were a real demon...maybe they are. I knew that he wanted to stop and couldn't...no matter how hard he tried or wanted to...he just couldn't. The addiction was ruling his life now...it was calling the shots and leading our family....and we both wanted our family back. Our marriage back.
So he left....and went to seek and find the help that he craved. He went to find the answers of why within his own soul...and I was left to find mine. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done, encouraging him to leave our family to find help....because we had all the reasons not too....our finances were bad, our home needed some repairs, one of our children was struggling with medical problems, it was bad timing...all the reasons to stay were here...but that option would lead to death. Death for our marriage. Death to our family. Death to my husband....and I wanted LIFE! So with the tiniest amount of hope, we made the decision and walked straight off that cliff...and you know what? We didn't fall. I thought for sure we would...but we didn't! We began a faith walk that was like no other I have ever walked!
When we first started this journey I viewed this as my husbands problem...I mean my husband was the addict, therefore, this was HIS problem...not mine. And I was supportive of him to a degree but I would get very defensive when he would talk to me about anything other than HIS problems....even when he was trying to tell me what I could do to help him.I didn't want to change or think I needed to in any way...this was his problem and he needed to change...not me.But as time went by, and God began to work on me as well I learned much about my own heart. I learned that I knew very little about addictions. I knew the hurt they caused and that was about it....past that...I didn't really know.
God began to teach me about addictions and open the eyes of my heart to things that I needed to change. I began to see that I had enabled. Alot. And that I had just as much to work on as my husband did:) God began to change the way I viewed the word," Addict"....because for so many years that word was usually associated in my mind with homeless people or people who lived under bridges or dug in trash cans for food...and although that can describe addicts...God began to show me that addicts were the people sitting next to us in church, terrified that someone would "find out" their addiction. They were our friends and neighbors. They were our teachers and pastors, coaches and mentors...they were people exactly like me. They were husbands and fathers, sons and brothers....they had dreams and passions and goals...they had jobs of all different backgrounds. They were wealthy and poor. They were just men.,,,trapped in a nightmare of hurting the ones they loved when even they didn't always understand why! Their hearts were broken but they couldn't stop...they needed that drug, that alcohol, that next fix, that picture, that bet....they just couldn't walk away, no matter how much they tried or begged God to take it away. They were trapped. And we were trapped in this nightmare with them....and they only way out was to surrender it ALL. To educate ourselves on addictions and enabling. To become warriors that fought hand in hand with other warriors that battled the same addictions. So we began to train...instead of learning...it changed to training...training for the battle ahead. Knowing it would be there, but learning how to fight it.
A huge part of learning how to fight addictions came for my husband and our family in the way of a place called," Rob's Ranch". From the first moment our family walked onto the ranch, we felt like we were not alone. There are no words that can describe that feeling...for so many years, I had bought the lie that we were the only ones that struggled with things like this. We were the only people who went to church, loved Jesus, loved each other and our family....and struggled with addictions. Walking onto Rob's Ranch was walking through a door that was filled with darkness into a field of light. And there were others in the field with us. We were NOT alone.
I have come to see the men at this place as some of the bravest men I have ever met. They don't give up...no matter how hard the fight is, or how long it has lasted...when they fall, they get back up. I have come to see the counselors as some of the most anointed. They have walked the journey before and stand side by side with these men, fighting for them to overcome. They cheer for them and they cry with them...they become part of the family.
Rob's Ranch had an education day that was probably one of the single most important day's in my life. It took us through the mind of an addict...how they think, how their brain is wired, just educated me about addictions in ways that I had never thought of in a million years. We also had these beautiful moments where we could sit in a room full of people who truly understood what it was like to love someone who was addicted to things that would kill them. I heard their stories and saw their tears and hearts bonded....because we were not alone. There is something very powerful about a community of people who are like minded...and we were all like minded in that room...we wanted our loved ones to overcome the addictions that fought to hold them in bondage.
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