He makes beautiful things....

        God created dirt. He looked at the dirt and saw man...He took His hands and began to move the dirt around and created a piece of art with it. He saw the art He had created and He breathed life into that dirt and it took its first breath and became man. All from dirt.
      He took something like dirt...the stuff we walk on, wash off, complain about when it gets on our carpet or in our car...He took that dirt and saw beauty...He saw us. God takes the ugliest of situations, the bleakest of nights and He sees beauty. I am learning this more and more and it keeps blowing me away!
       How many times do we look around us at our situation and see brokenness and pain...but HE sees beauty! How many times have I fallen on my knees before Him and cried out to Him that this problem was the one that would break me...it was just to hard...and I could not bear it!....I want to share this journey I am on with you. It is full of pain and heartbreak...it full of redemption and grace....and it is full of beautiful ashes.
         I went to see JT on Saturday and am so grateful to my father-in-law who drove me down there and let JT and I spend hours alone together talking just to drive me back...six hours in the car for me to spend 3 with JT alone...I am so grateful for my father-in-law! My stomach was in knots and I was so nervous! I wasn't sure what it would be like or if JT would like me still or if I would feel any attraction for him at all....I was just nervous!! I had been praying for days that God would have my spirit leap within me when I saw JT. That I would KNOW that JT was surrendering everything to God. So of course I was scared, because what if my spirit didn't leap? What if we didn't like each other anymore? I had went to visit our pastor before I went on the trip and he told me," It is what it is...don't make it better than it is and don't make it worse than it is...just take it right where it is." I had those words playing through my mind as I went and told them I was here to pick up JT....and then he was there in front of me. My heart just kinda stopped beating. I was filled with a longing and MISSING of him if that makes sense:) I wanted to kiss him. I haven't really wanted to kiss JT in a very long time. I'm just being completely honest here, but when you find out that your husband is lying to you and deceiving you, it takes away any romantic feelings you might have for him and when it goes on for years and years...well....kissing isn't exactly what you think about doing to him! But at that moment, I wanted to kiss him. I didn't of course! But I did take that as a reassurance to my heart that God was giving me a desire for this man...this NEW man in front of me.
       We got in the car and Harry drove us to a restaurant where we visited and talked and just kept things light. Then JT and I decided to go over to the bookstore where we could sit and talk and my precious father in law said he would walk around the mall until we were done and would come pick us up when we were ready for him. JT and I walked over to the store and occasionally JT would reach for my hand and just brush my fingertips or hold my hand for just a second and then let go...I had butterflies like we were on a first date and in a way we were...after nearly 14 years of marriage to this man I was JUST NOW getting to know who he really was. I was seeing into his heart with no walls and so it was a first date of sorts for us:)
        We got settled in a little private table in the corner of the bookstore coffee shop and JT began to share with me his heart. He began to tell me what God is showing him and how for the first time, he is hearing God and feeling the prayers that you my friends pray. He had tears in his eyes more often than not as he told me of how deeply he regretted all the lost time that he can never get back. He let me read some letters that he had written to friends he had lied to or deceived. These were not easily written I can tell you....and I saw a rawness in them that was real and from deep within JT...not a letter that sounded pretty or looked "nice"...this was just real honesty...to the point of great pain for JT. He showed me his notes from all his classes and talked to me about what he is learning about himself. How even he is learning who he is still without all the lies and deceit. He is finding the person he was created to be. I was filled with hope as we talked and as he would reach down and touch my hand, my heart would speed up. When I talked, he was looking into my eyes...when he talked he was looking into my eyes. That may not seem significant to you but let me tell you that when you lie and deceive, it is very hard to look into people's eyes, and when your heart is full of shame and regret, you don't want to look at people and I haven't had my husband truly look into my eyes or allow me to look into his in a very. long. time. And I missed it more than I thought....and now, there were his eyes, looking straight into mine and allowing me to look deep into his and he didn't turn away. I have a thing with eyes and I know that I have made some people uncomfortable because I can look rather intensely into people's eyes but it is because I truly believe God's word when He says that the "eyes are the windows of the soul"....I know it is true and for JT to just open that window was healing to my heart. Our eyes often speak what our mouths will not say.
Anyway, I found myself sad that our time was nearly up, His dad got there to pick us up and he drove us back. I sat in the back seat with JT and made a video for the girls of JT talking to them. I was sad and happy all at once. We got back to the Right Step and JT and his dad said good bye and that they loved each other and I walked him back in. While we waited for them to come and get him, I reached up and kissed him. I just couldn't help myself. I love this man. I felt God answer my prayer by giving me a desire and a love for him. I have believed in JT since they day I fell in love with him nearly 15 years ago when I knew that I wanted to marry him. Everytime I have wanted to run away or just leave....God has spoken to my heart and told me to stay. It has not been easy by any means...sometimes the pain of staying was so intense that I thought I would simply wither away but God is faithful my friends. He is always there...even when we can't see Him. He is always doing something....even when we hear silence. We see the physical around us, but we have to believe with everything in us that there is so much more going on around us...a battle. A war being waged on our behalf in the spiritual realm. I believe in the spiritual realm as much as I believe in the physical...it is part of who I am.
        God has put people in my life who have spoken hope to me. They have spoken life to me. They have many many times become the audible voice of God for me. Lance Lang who has walked this journey and found HOPE has given me hope through his story. My counselor Larry Nelson who was seeing JT and I before he left and continued to talk with me and teach me how to be bold and firm in my walk. My pastor Mark Aduddell and his wife who takes time to listen to me as I share my heart and who I KNOW boldly goes before the throne on the behalf of JT and I. My dear friends who have called and messaged me and written to me....I could not possibly write all your names down for you are to many in number! Those of you who support our family through prayer, money, time, and resources...it is all so humbling! God has made Himself so evident to me and continually provides His manna daily for the girls and I. Far beyond what we could ask for! He pours His love out on my daughters so that they too can see that God cares for them! Not just JT and I...but for them! He has provided for them and given them desires of their hearts....and they can SEE visibly His great love for them. What a beautiful gift to give them! How grateful I am to this beautiful King I serve!
       So where are we at right now? Well....JT is going to be calling a place called," Clay's Crossing" and trying to get in with them for 30 more days. This is a place that offers alot more spiritual insight into these addictions and it will give JT the strong foundation he needs to be able to come home and continue this battle. If they accept him and we can afford it or get insurance to cover part of it, he will come home for the weekend and spend the weekend with his girls and then I will drive him to Clay's crossing. The great thing about this place is that it is much closer to us...in Maud Oklahoma...so that the girls and I could go down and visit him alot more. JT is learning so much about himself and how to avoid the triggers of addictions and one of those main things is surrounding himself with men who love God and love to serve Him! I am praying that God will already be laying it on different men's hearts to befriend JT as a work-out partner, an accountability partner, a prayer warrior, a football buddy or hunting friend....just a friend. Someone that will hold his feet to the fire in honestly and accountability....and I know He will. I know that He already has selected those men and that they will surround JT and he will know that he will never fight this battle alone again. That is one thing that JT has said to me. He feels like God just keeps telling him to tell his story. He doesn't know what that means, but he knows that when he comes home, he HAS to tell his story. He doesn't want one more man to be sitting in a church hiding who he really is. We both want God to through open the doors so that we can both tell others of how this journey is going...still going...still walking...but how faithful God has been and is and how He and He alone can change the heart of someone. Addictions need to be talked about. Pornography, gambling, drinking, drugs, video games or cell phones....whatever the addiction is, it NEEDS to be taken out of the dark and brought into the light because ONLY THEN can healing start. No more bondage. No more heavy burdens to carry around....just freedom. I pray God will give us the bravery we need to keep telling our story...completely honest no matter what. For I have learned that honesty leads to freedom and that is where JT and I are headed...for freedom.
         

   
   

Standing on Truth.

              Have you ever been going on about your day and then....BAM....all of a sudden you are doubting who you are, what choices you make, and what in the world is going on with your life?! I have had alot of these moments lately...one day I feel strong and then the next I feel like getting out of bed may take to much energy:) But I am learning alot about being a warrior through this. I posted the picture above because it reminds me of being a warrior. Every day we are fighting a battle and I want to make sure I am using my weapons!
     JT and I have decided to be very open about this journey we are on and many times I am grateful that we went that way, but there are moments when I think," what have we done?" Why in the world did we decide to let everyone we know in on this? Was it right? Was it wrong? I just let the doubts creep in...it happens the same way for me with JT. Sometimes I get off the phone from talking to him and I feel so confident that God is doing a great and mighty work in his life...just for the next time, or the next hour, I am doubting everything. I am wondering if I will ever be able to believe him again. I am thinking I am crazy to stay on this road...and quite honestly my friends, there are days when divorce seems easier. Leaving and starting over can sound so good sometimes. No betrayal. No hurt. No baggage. No broken heart...of course that sounds good sometimes! But here is where the Holy Spirit grabs my heart every time...I have to stand on TRUTH. Not feelings. Not emotions. Not the past or the future. No, I have to stand on God's TRUTH because it is only through that truth that there is freedom for our family. I know that satan will delight in the destruction of my family. God is far greater than some fallen, disgruntled messenger that knows his days are winding down and so I keep thinking about what GOD can do THROUGH this and WITH this. This is a time when redemption wins! This is a time when JT is learning to surrender himself daily...really minute by minute...to his Lord and King.

       I think the Lord continues to show us that there are many, many of you reading this now or sitting beside us in church or walking down the aisles next to us in the store or "looking" the part of the man or woman who loves the Lord...when inside you are struggling to survive every day. The lies and the deceit that you have to cover every day is weighing so heavy on you and it is breaking your heart. You want to be free...but there is such a bondage that you simply can't stop looking, can't stop going, can't stop hiding and lying...and you are feeling desperate. Maybe you are the pastor or the youth pastor, maybe you are the sunday school teacher or the student in the class, you are the husband and wife team that everyone thinks is so amazing, you are the student that everyone looks up to, you are the one who has it all together...and yet your world is falling apart. You are terrified that people will "find out" and reject you forever. You are afraid you will lose everything...you DO NOT have to live like that one. more. day.
       There is freedom. There is redemption no matter how far you have gone. Look at the Word of God! I mean really dive into the lives of these people that God chose to write about and use to write His words...they are liars, murderes, they are prostitutes, and adulterers, they are people who hated and people who hid. They are people who ran away. They are people just like us. People who are REDEEMED. I don't think we truly get what that word means! It is becoming one of the most precious words to me because it means that we, in our fallen and broken way, were forgiven. Picked up and brushed off and wrapped in the loving arms of a Father who longs for us to be free. He doesn't want us to constantly live in this fear that we will be rejected if everyone knew the truth! The creator of our world, the King of KINGS, did not come to die for a people who had no sin. He did not become man so that He could be ridiculed and mocked, beaten and murdered for people who were perfect....so why do we feel such a need to pretend? It is because of our society, our "circle of friends", and the lies that we believe. We are told that if we are honest with people, we will lose our jobs, our homes, our families...everything...and I am not going to tell you that that wouldn't happen. It may. JT and our family has lost a tremendous amount because of this...but friends...freedom is worth it! I mean it is really really worth it. The burden that sits on you can go away.
       So here is the question that I have been asked a thousand times through this...Why are you choosing to stay with JT after everything he has done to you?
           I have thought and thought about this because sometimes I didn't really know! But God has made several things clear to me lately and this is one of them. I am choosing to stay with JT because I believe without one doubt in the redeeming blood of my Lord. I believe that God is changing JT's heart as I see him surrendering his heart, his pride, his all to Jesus. I made a vow to him, a covenant between myself, JT and God, that I would not bail. I would be loyal and stand beside him through joy and sorrow...and yes, this season of our marriage has been full of sorrow, but I am promised that joy comes in the morning! I do not for one second judge or think less of someone who has decided to get a divorce. We need to support and encourage each other to follow Christ and pursue Him with great passion, not tear each other down everytime someone does something that we don't agree with. The decision to stay with JT is mine and I make it with enormous amounts of prayer! I have had many, many talks with God about what I should do, and this is why it is so important to stand on God's truth and not my feelings. I have "felt" hurt and upset, broken and disappointed...but I know that my feelings are so unpredictable. What we have to stand on is God's truth! I believe in JT. I do. I have seen the struggle he has had with these addictions. I have seen him frustrated and disappointed in himself over and over because he kept "failing". I have seen him filled with pride and arrogance and trembled in my spirit because I knew God would not stand for that...and JT had to fall. He had to get to the point where he was ready to surrender and it took this long for him to do so, but now he has. He is. 
       The other thing I am learning is that I am not responsible for JT's actions, or Kari's actions,or anyone's actions, but I am responsible for how I REACT to what people do to me. I want to respond with grace. I want to respond with gentleness and peace. I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that " I" don't react at all, but the holy Spirit IN me, reacts THROUGH me! God knew I would walk this road...He knew everything that would happen in my life and I want to praise Him through it all! I want to not be afraid to hit my knees or lift up my hands or worship Him with tears flowing down my face....I want to love Him with all that I am. For I know that without Him....sigh....I just cannot imagine what life would be like. I NEED HIM....I truly do. And so do you. You NEED Him to get up in the morning, or to face the day that may be full of sickness and pain. You NEED Him to be able to respond in love when someone has hurt you. You NEED Him to be your strength when you are weary in your soul. You NEED Him to stay with your beloved. You NEED Him to direct you with your children or your parents...we just NEED Him! We were created to need Him...and it is when we FINALLY see that and truly surrender our entire lives to Him that we are at our strongest and bravest! Not because of us....but because of Him. We simply cannot do these things by ourselves. We are not capable. But THROUGH HIM we can do ALL THINGS. I believe every single word of His as complete truth. And I choose to stand on truth. 
        I still love JT very much and that alone is something that comes from the Holy Spirit because honestly, I had stopped. I just didn't want to love him anymore...it was to hard. I was to hurt and the pain went to deep...I did not see a point of recovery and I really didn't see how I could trust or move on as husband and wife when there was so much betrayal...so I began to pray and ask God to help me fall in love with JT. I asked that I would be drawn to him and be deeply in love with him. God brought me to this amazing book called," Praying for your husband from head to toe." by Sharon Jaynes....it is AMAZING and will totally transform the way you pray for your husband! I began to pray over him piece by piece...I would start with his mind, eyes, and ears. Then I would pray for his mouth, his neck, his shoulders,and his heart. I would pray for his back, his arms, his hands, his ring finger. I would pray for his side, his sexuality, his legs, his knees and his feet. I still pray this for him today. With every part I listed, I have Scripture that God gives me to pray over him that matches that body part. I talk to God about my husband and I give JT to him. Every. Single. Day. And let me just tell you that when you are praying for someone head to toe...it is HARD to not love that person. God began renewing my desire and love for JT. He began to open my eyes to see what God sees in JT. He started showing me so many things about JT that I loved...and He still is. God is taking the brokenness of my heart and replacing it with eternal love. He is taking all my fears and replacing them with divine peace...and that is because of His TRUTH that I am standing on. God's Word is powerful and alive to me...it is a dear friend to me...and it is full of freedom. I just want everyone that is reading this to see that. God does not want you to be in bondage to whatever it is you are struggling with...freedom is there...you just have to trust.

My HOPE is built on nothing less than Jesus:

                 

         

                           HOPE:

a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

"he looked through her belongings in the hope of coming across some information"

synonyms:

aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, goal, plan, design;

              What does hope mean to you? I looked up the definition and you posted them above, and do you see the synonyms for hope: ambition, goal, aim, plan,...isn't this AMAZING! To have hope is not just to wait around for something good to happen...it is to PLAN, to AIM, to have AMBITION or a GOAL...that is exactly what I am learning. I am learning the true meaning of hope. And how closely faith and hope are! They are interwoven together...hope and faith, faith and hope...

      I went to an event last night called "Night of Hope" and it was an event that spoke hope into people's lives when people feel alone or ashamed. It gave addicts the freedom to stand up and say that they were recovering, that they struggled, that they wanted to be free. I sat there and looked out and around at all the many, many people standing up and wondered about each of their stories...the pain, the betrayal, the REDEMPTION that went with each one of these beautiful people standing now in freedom and the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart through them. I don't want people to live in fear or shame, or bondage...I want them to be free! I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me this is why JT and I have to tell our story...for other people to understand that there is freedom! So many years of living with the fear of someone finding out what JT did, or the shame of having to try and cover more lies so that no one would think badly of him, so much bondage that came from all the lies and the guilt...I can't even imagine what JT must have felt with all that and more weighing him down!

      When JT and I first started talking about this and realizing that he was going to have to go into an in-patient treatment facility, I knew that we were going to have to go into this with complete honesty with everyone and I knew how hard that would be for JT! As we talked, and I saw that JT was willing to have everything laid out, exposed for all the world to see, I knew just how heavy his burden must of been. He was so tired of living the life of lies,shame, guilt, and fear...the life of a man in chains...that he was willing to just expose it all and risk losing everything and everyone...his burden was just to heavy. So we agreed to be honest with everyone and God has only blessed that honesty. He has poured out His love on JT and our family in such a deep way that we could never deny His presence here in the midst of this journey! This is HOPE my friends! This is knowing and seeing the hand of God daily through each of our family and friends as they live out His direction each day toward our family! It BLOWS me AWAY!!!! So, let's get on with all this hoensty, no matter how hard it is:)

       Our story has really just begun on this road...we have such a long way ahead still and many times I do not know where it will end but I have hope...Betrayal is a very difficult thing and I have been betrayed. JT and I's vows have been betrayed and my heart has been betrayed by the very man that I gave it to, to protect and keep safe and that hurts. It really, really hurts. It cuts deep down into your heart and satan takes that hurt and feels your head with lies and the only way  to stop that hurt from turning into bitterness, is to take those thoughts captive! I mean it!! This is something that God has been working on in me so much through this! I cannot just sit around and think about how hurt I feel, how upset I am, how broken my heart is...sure I can say I'm upset and that this made me angry and upset! Of course, I have a right to those feelings...but I and I alone can choose how I will react to these things. I and I alone can choose what I will meditate on day and night. My counselor was telling me just the other day when I was asking him how I am suppose to trust JT again, that I don't. He reminded me that my trust is in the Lord. Man, humans, will always fail at some point...we are a fallen people....but God will NEVER FAIL me. And he is right.

      So I will trust in the Holy Spirit to heal my hurt and  broken heart...and I will trust the Holy Spirit to renew my love for JT so that I am more in love with him than I could ever imagine. I will trust the Holy Spirit to take out all those feelings of hurt and replace with love...and He can...that is exactly what He does all the time! He takes broken marriages, broken hearts and, broken people...and He creates beauty! He is showing me all the stories in His Word where He has restored what man would think lost forever! He has healed far greater things than my marriage! He has renewed and restored the hearts of such broken people that all would say it is a lost cause...but God NEVER sees a lost cause...and I want to be like that so deeply! I want to look at every situation that I am put in and always see the redeemable! Because I know what God does for my heart every day. I have no question that if it wasn't for His great love for me, and His great power through the Holy Spirit in my life, there would be no hope for me. But God looks on us and sees a great and mighty plan! A purpose that is God-breathed! We are the ones who take the rougher road for a season at times, but even during those times...He is there. He did not send His perfect only Son for a few people who were kinda bad...He sent Jesus because He ALREADY KNEW this is where JT and I would be on August 16th, 2014. He ALREADY KNEW that JT would struggle and give in to these addictions and He ALREADY KNEW that I would sit here on my bed and write it out for you to read. But this is the part I am clinging to more than anything right now...He ALREADY KNOWS that JT has victory over these things. He ALREADY KNOWS that our marriage will be stronger and greater BECAUSE of these things and the journey we have had to walk as it has grown us closer to His heart! He ALREADY KNOWS!! He isn't holding His breathe hoping JT will choose the right thing, or that I won't walk away...He isn't reading my blog to catch up on what He missed:) He ALREADY has a MIGHTY PLAN and a MIGHTY PURPOSE for this that will bring Him great honor...so that fills my heart with HOPE! 

     On those days when I cry or wonder why...I stop. I take them captive. I turn to His Word for TRUTH! I call up on one of you dear friends and ask you to speak truth over my life. I pray. I sing. But I will not give satan one more second of glory through this...he has held JT in bondage far to long...and this is a time of FREEDOM and of HOPE! No more despair. No more fear...this is a time for great cleansing in JT's life...I am hearing him talk on the phone and hearing hope in his voice as he finally fights back! He is learning how to use the weapons that God has given all of us and it is filling him with hope for the first time in a very long time. He is picking up that HOPE that God gives him and it is giving him the desire to make goals, aim for something high, to make a plan and be filled with ambition...just like the definition says! It is HARD! I have heard him cry more than I ever have before...I read the letters that bring me to tears even thinking about them...I know this is painful for him to walk and walk it without me holding his hand...I know he needs to do this because he needs to discover the freedom of Christ from ALL the chains and all the bondage and I can't be there to walk it with him right now...this is about JT and Jesus. The only way for healing to come...is JT and Jesus. The only way for freedom to come...is JT and Jesus. So while he walks this dark journey on his own physically...spiritually he is surrounded by many warriors fighting on his behalf, of this I have no doubt! There is a mighty war going on for JT...but I don't and won't fear that! I will pray. I will fight for him with everything in me, on my knees. I will cover him in prayer from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet and I will leave it between him and Jesus. And I will be honest about this journey and battle so that those of you who are fighting it will see that you are NOT ALONE! You DO NOT have to cry behind closed doors...you don't have to hide in shame or guilt. That is the very thing that satan wants you to do! He knows there will never be victory as long as there is shame, guilt, HIDING. and I will not give him one more second in this home...and you don't have to either. We need to start fighting his lies with the Word of truth! I think as Christians we down-play God's Word so much! It is ALIVE! It is POWERFUL! It is TRUE! It is a WEAPON! And it is ours to use...if only we will. It is full of HOPE and FREEDOM for all of us! 

         What are you struggling with today? Right now? Is it envy? Anger? Fear? Whatever it is, I can promise you that God has the answer you are looking for right there in His Word. If you don't know where to start...please ask me! God has given me so much peace from His Word and I want to share that with everyone I meet:)  So yet again...God brings me back to that precious word...HOPE! Let us stand on that word as brothers and sisters in Christ. Take that thought captive, turn on the praise music, and let us start praising God for what HE ALREADY knows!!

Standing firm.

           

                       Sometimes my very soul sighs with weariness as the weight of such heavy issues try to overwhelm me. It has only been through the power of the Holy Spirit that I have been able to breathe each day...not only breathe though...but rejoice! God is faithful no matter what. God is Victorious in the end. His promises are true and He is faithful and on that I stand. Period. So if you think for one second that I am a strong woman...you are wrong...I am a very weak, broken-hearted woman with no strength left at all, but it is in these moments of complete weakness that my Lord gives my feet the strength for one more step...and then another one. It is when I have tears pouring down my face, that I hear the Holy Spirit singing His song in my soul," How Great thou art!" And it is when I have fallen to my knees in the privacy of my bedroom crying out that I cannot do this anymore, that Jesus brings to my heart His Words, " Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:28-29....because of HIS POWER IN me, I am able to "appear" far stronger than I am...but my dear friends, it is not me. Trust me. I am not a strong person...just one that knows she cannot make it without my beautiful King.
          So I am about to write some really hard things....things that I wish I did not have to write. Please understand that as I write this out, I am just writing my heart out, the things that are stored inside it and so they may not be eloquent or happy even...they are just what is inside my heart right now.
          After Kari attacked me, she was taken to the hospital where they admitted her into their behavioral area. She was still very angry and I did not see her but did talk to the counselor the next day and was told that she had gotten into a verbal altercation with one of the peers already. And then today we had our first phone conversation since she attacked me.
          I will be very honest here. I was completely terrified even though we were just on the phone. The last time I heard her voice it was yelling and screaming that she wanted to kill me. I was sick to my stomach and shaking as the counselor told me that she was there in the room with him and was on speaker phone. They had wanted me to come in to meet her, but right now I simply cannot see her so they agreed to the phone call and I thought it would be easier but it still really got to me. We began by Kari explaining to the counselor why she had attacked me and repeating what she had done. Hearing your daughters voice describe with no emotion whatsoever that she wanted to kill you and then describing how she was trying so hard to end my life that day, just broke my heart...it messes with your head actually...like, I could not believe that I was sitting here on the phone listening to this...it became a bit surreal. And I just wanted it to stop.
          The counselor did a great job with keeping her focused on the "why" of things, as Kari likes to blame everything on everyone else, but then it was my turn to talk and I felt dizzy with fear but this is part of the journey for us as adoptive parents and no matter what I am her mom...so I began to tell her how much she had hurt me and how scared I was and then she interrupted me to tell me that she had every right to do that to me because I had disrespected her by trying to walk away. The counselor asked if she had really meant to kill me or just hurt me to which she replied," I wanted to kill her. I want her to die."...can you just stop for a second and re- read those words...how does a child say those things to their parent? How does this mommy heart recover? The counselor immediately ended the call and took Kari back and then came back on the phone and told me that this was very serious. He believes that Kari would end up taking my life if we do not do something to prevent that and that just broke my heart all the more because I have been telling everyone that this was going to happen and finally I had someone who was going to help me, someone that would not allow her back in my home.Someone was finally listening!But where does all this leave Kari?
       Honestly, I don't know. I feel grieving in my heart as though mourning for a child that has been lost...Kari is not that little girl anymore. I don't know if it is the medicine , the mental disorder, or spiritual warfare...or all of it...I just know that I am her mommy. I love her and miss her fiercely. I am broken for her and what the future holds for her. I am so so so sad that the mere thought of seeing her causes me to shake with fear...but I also know that I will pray for her. I will lift her up to the One who can free her mind, and heal her brokenness. I know that I will make lots of phone calls on her behalf and that I will fight for her...but it will be from a distance now...and that makes my heart very sad. I don't know when I will be able to see her again without fear...it may be a very long time. And even though I don't understand for one second why she did what she did...I don't hate Kari. I'm filled with sadness for her at times and it does make me angry at her birth parents who set this whole thing in motion all those years ago when they decided to abuse and hurt the beloved gift God had given them.
              So not only our we going through the journey of addictions/recovery and everything that comes with that, but we have decided to throw in mental illness as well. My heart goes from my husband to my daughter to my finances to my other daughters, to...and in the midst of it, I hear that gentle rolling of thunder in my spirit. It is the Heavenly Father's peace that I can almost audibly hear at times, as it comes over my fretting spirit and it reminds me again and again that we are in a battle. Satan wants to destroy my family. He wants to destroy my faith. But all he is doing is causing me to run faster and closer and dive into my Father's Arms and pick up my weapons and NEVER set them down. Not for a minute. This hasn't caused me to doubt my Jesus....not at all! This has caused me to memorize more of His words. This has caused me to be in such a state of prayer that I haven't said an amen for weeks because I will not stop praying for a second! It has caused me to throw my hands up and drop to my knees and sing praises to my King because HE ALONE will be glorified. Satan will not have one victory, even though he may think he has won at times. I stand firm on the Rock. I look around me and see the waves rushing up to overwhelm me and drown me, and I look into the eyes of Jesus and KNOW that they cannot hurt me. This is about faith and this is about trust. This  is about living out what I have "preached" all along. This is about seeing how little my faith is now, and knowing that on the other side of this, there is a deeper, more intimate faith in Christ and I long for that with all that I am. I have often prayed that God will grow my faith and draw me closer to His heart every day, and I think He knew it would take something like this for me to grow up:)
           So here we are....yes, it can seem overwhelming...but every day you and I get to wake up and make a choice on who we serve. Every day we get to wake up and determine if we will choose joy or sorrow, happiness or sadness, praises or complaints...and even though there are times when I choose the wrong thing, today I choose joy. I choose to praise. I may praise with tears on my cheeks, but my hands will be lifted in complete surrender to Jesus. Doing this on my own strength isn't even an option for I would have given up long ago...but God is a God of HOPE when EVERYTHING around you looks broken. This is about me trusting my Father...my King. I am His daughter, a princess, and my prayer is that He will see me and joy will light up His face and that maybe He and the great crowd of witnesses are watching me walk through this and my reaction to all these things are a sweet fragrance to them. I pray that as you read this, your heart is drawn to walk with Him...to glorify Him in everything that happens! I pray you are encouraged to sing His praises out...just imagine if all of us true believers started singing His praises out with our life! How beautiful that would be to Him....and it can all start with one choice today...the choice of who you will serve...as for me?...I will serve the Lord.
           Thank you for all your encouragement...you have NO IDEA how God is using your words, actions, and provisions to grow our families faith! Being in the family of Christ is such an honor and I am so humbled to be your sister my friends...I truly am. Please continue praying...this journey is not easy and my knees tremble alot and my tears flow even more...but God is faithful! Praise His name...He is faithful!

Another rage...

OK guys, I am going to try and do this if I can....Last night Kari got upset with me for asking her to do her chores, my mom came home and we thought Kari was settling down but then this morning at 6am my brother called and asked if Kari was missing. I had checked on her the last time at 2am but then I guess I fell asleep because when I went in to check, she was gone. Brandon found her running down the road on Danforth and blvd....he brought her home and over the next two hours things just went from bad to worse resulting in Kari attacking me violently. She was able to grab my hair and start slamming my head into the metal table, biting, punching, pulling out my hair, kneeing me, using a chair to beat me...ect...sigh...writing this is hard. Really hard. Thankfully the girls were not around to see this but my mom and little brother were and it scared them both to death as there was nothing they could do to stop her at this point. Kari was trying to kill me. I knew this day would come and had put every precaution I knew into place to prevent it...but none of that worked. She was screaming that she wanted to kill me and I believe her. I was able to FINALLY get away and get to the house and when the police showed up Kari was trying to drink all the sunscreen and when the officer  tried to calm kari down she raised a chair over her head and told the officer if he came one step closer, she would kill him. He pulled out the tazor gun and told Kari to drop the chair so she did and was handcuffed and put in the back of the police car. They took her to the hospital where some friends that had come to help us, drove me behind the police officer. I stayed in the car, while my friend went in to make sure everything was ok and Kari was settled into a room where she would not see me...I'm still not sure why Kari hates me. I'm still not sure what makes a daughter capable of grabbing her mother's head and slamming it into a table with the intent of hurting her. She tried to ram the chair through me all the while screaming at me that she was going to push the chair through me to kill me...I have not had time to process all of this. Please be understanding as right now I am still swimming in what just happened...I cannot wrap my head around it. I am physically ok other than feeling like I was in a bad car wreck, but I will be fine. Bruised,bitten, and hurting...yes...but most of my pain comes from what Kari did to my heart. It is broken. I do not know if this can ever be repaired. I cannot give Kari the help that she needs...I have been saying this for awhile but everyone keeps telling me she just "has" to come home because there is no other way...and even though I knew she would do this, I prayed for a different outcome. Right now, this is all I can write...I am tired. I hurt. I just want to cry. I just need your prayers right now. Thank you...I love each of you.

Chapter two: Manna

This is how I feel today...like tonight Jesus is just holding me, teaching me, and praying over me...this is why...

Today has been difficult. I have been crying off and on all day. Happy tears, sad tears, frustrated tears...just lots of tears! It is in those tears that I find healing:)
       Today was the first time that I went to church since JT left...the first time I would face many people face to face since writing my very open and honest blog about our journey and I was scared. I mean it. I know my church family is going to read this and laugh, but I really was! I kept trying to think of a way out of it because it is embarrassing for me. That is being as honest as I can. Having everyone read about our journey is different than looking into the faces of the people you love and respect and knowing they know all your families sin...all of it! Every ugly, nasty sin is out there for them to judge and I was terrified of walking through that door. My heart was pounding and I just wanted to turn around and jump back into the car! But I am learning alot about myself through all this and one thing I am learning is that I can do ALL things through the power of Christ, even expose everything in our family for the glory of God!
       I held the hand of my little one and put that smile on my face and walked up to the door....and was met with my family. My family who loved me and my girls. My family who was walking through this WITH us. My family who supported and prayed for me in ways that I don't even realize. My family. This journey is not just about JT and I and our girls...this is a much bigger journey I am beginning to see. This is a journey that our church, our friends, and our family...even strangers...are taking with us. This is a journey about the body of Christ living out the call to FOLLOW HIM! TO be His hands, feet, mouth...and it blows me away!
           After I left church I got in the car and had a hard time keeping my emotions in check because I was overwhelmed by the LACK of judgement I felt. I was overwhelmed with the hugs, the prayers, and love I saw people showing me and my girls even though they knew everything! There could never again be any thought of us being," the perfect" family or of our family being "so good"...our sin was out there. Our struggle was in plain view for everyone to see...and we were loved. I would even dare to say we were loved BECAUSE of our struggle being in plain view...people want to know that they are not alone in struggles very similar to ours. People want to know that the body of Christ can function just the way it is described in Scripture! It can! It does! You are not alone! If you are struggling with any bondage, I implore you my friends...speak of it. Confess it. BE FREE! Love is waiting, not judgement. Freedom is there, not bondage! Satan is telling you how if you tell, everyone will walk away...but I am here to tell you that is a lie! Please don't believe it...for the true body of Christ will not ever walk away, but open their arms and hearts to you because as a family, we want what is the best for each other!
             We can home and after an emotionally exhausting day dealing with not only our journey, but others who are struggling, my heart was not ready for what happened next...friends from our church showed up at our house with groceries. Now, I am being so painfully honest through this, so please bear with me...but we were out of milk. I know it may sound small but for a house of seven girls who love to eat cereal and cook...milk is important. The friends had brought milk with all the other groceries. I did not realize it until they had left and when I did, I had to go to my bedroom and close the door...it was all just to much! I was amazed. Milk...yes MILK was provided for our family when we had none! It is a HUGE thing for us...but I will tell you something else that I did...
                   When I was in my bedroom, I was crying because I was so embarrassed for these sweet friends to come into my broken home and bring us food...even though I knew God had provided it, I was just so embarrassed...and that my friends is pride. God has been speaking to my heart about this alot tonight...I have some pride that is going to have to go! I am hanging on to this selfish pride that doesn't want people to see the condition of my home, or see empty pantry shelves...pride. The very thing that can destruct and destroy and God has been showing me of this isn't just about JT yet again...our whole family has ALOT to learn about God's provision, His grace, His calling on our life...and to be able to hear that and walk in it fully and freely, my pride has to go. I had to lay it at his feet tonight and ask for forgiveness because I do not want ANYTHING between my Father and I. As painful as it is, I want God to refine me through this. And I think He will be showing me many things in my heart that need to change...things that I wouldn't of even known I had or dealt with unless we walked through this journey. I am starting to understand that HIS picture is so much bigger than mine and that He is directing JT and I both as we walk the path closer to His heart. My faith needs to grow. I need to be stretched and put in positions of being completely without, so that I can see God provide. He knows this about me and that is exactly what He is doing. He is not just working on JT...no...my heart is being challenged in ways that are painful at times! He is revealing to me many things that aren't right in my re-action of this situation. I am being put in positions every day where I have to live out what I believe...it is easy to talk forgiveness, entirely different when you have been the one betrayed and hurt. It is easy to talk of God's grace and provision, entirely different when you have to live out that faith in believing He will provide! It is easy to talk of forever love...entirely different when that love has been broken. This journey for me is about growing...my faith, my belief, my prayer life:) It all needs to grow...deeper and more intimately with Jesus until there is nothing left but HIM! His responses become my own, His words speak through me, His heart replaces mine....this is what I am longing for through this! To be able to know and understand God's heart and be able to live HIM out to everyone I meet. This is my prayer...
             I will end this blog by saying that being a part of the family of Christ...I'm talking FOLLOWERS here....the ones who are not just believers but are also followers...it actually takes my breath away. It humbles me in the most precious of ways. It brings me to my knees crying and singing to the God who we serve. I am so grateful for this family. I have always felt a deep kinship with my heavenly family, ever since I was a little girl, but this...this is so much deeper. I have this beautiful and amazing peace that comes over my shoulders like a blanket. It is this reassurance of God's love and faithfulness to our family and it comes through the simplest of things...like milk and ice tea and gas money on the front seat of my car not knowing how it got there...it comes through a card from a dear friend praying for me, it comes through your comments on facebook or here that lift up my heart when it is weary! It comes from the Holy Spirit...but He uses you. You don't even realize it...but you are an important part of this journey! I love each of you that have prayed for us, encouraged us and supported us, hugged us, given to us...I love each of you that have reached out to me and told me your stories of hope, of victory, even those of despair...for this is what a family does. This is exactly what God intended His family to be like....we share our hearts, we expose our faults, we bind up and support each other through our weaknesses. Thank you for showing me and the girls such a clear example of His family. It makes excitement and longing shoot through me as I think of Heaven...and all the dear family waiting for us! What a beautiful family we will be in heaven!! Thank you for looking through the faults and the sin and hurt and seeing us. Our family. Our hearts. I pray God will continue to teach us all even more of what it is like to be in His family!

Chapter 1:

                                                         Chapter 1:

JT and I knew the day was coming quickly so we talked about more than we have talked about in years...openly, honestly, sometimes painfully. We tried to think about all the things that might come up that I would need to take care of while he was gone and make sure I knew how to do it. We tried to make all the phone calls and organize as best we could with such short notice...and with such heavy things weighing on our hearts. Tuesday evening JT's six daughters gathered around their daddy and prayed over him, the youngest praying that sin would not live in daddy's heart anymore. It was raw and emotional and incredibly hard! We cried alot and prayed together some more. JT and I sat up until very late talking about how it gotten to this point and he reminded me again of how all it takes is one choice that leads to another choice and on and on and then pretty soon, you are looking around and cannot believe that you have gotten so far off course...and you are terrified to make it right...so the fear of shame keeps you quiet, which in turns keeps you in more bondage. We finally went to bed, but never really slept...and then morning was here. It was time to leave. There was a part of me that just wanted to say forget it! We would figure out another way...but I knew deep in my heart this was the only way...and I had to trust. When JT came walking down the hallway with tears running down his face because he had just kissed his girls goodbye, it broke my heart. It also made me angry...why does sin have such a hold on us? Why do we allow it to creep in and rob us of the joy and peace that comes from Jesus! 

 We drove to the train station and boarded the train...it felt completely weird to know that I would come home on this train without JT by my side...and so I had a very difficult time keeping my emotions in check. Tears would just flow out my eyes without me even realizing that they were there. The tears would well up inside my throat and I thought for sure I would just have a complete breakdown! I didn't want any of this. I didn't ask for any of this...and yet, here I was. Sometimes God has a go through things and for the life of us, we can not see how it could possibly be turned into a beautiful thing...but right at that moment, the Holy Spirit brought Joseph to my mind. My brother in Christ who spent countless times in a prison or a hole because of something that he had no control over...and never would he have thought that God would use it ALL for His glory, but He did. That peace that only of those of you who know the Holy Spirit intimately swept over me and I could breathe again. 

       At one point JT had gotten up to get a snack and stretch his legs, and he didn't come back for quite sometime and I began to worry that something was wrong, but then there he was, and I could tell that he had been crying again. I could see how hard and heavy this was for him. He just sat down and held my hand and said he was sorry and told me thank you for letting him do this. I hate to see how much this battle has affected and taken away from JT. But for the first time, we talked about how much HOPE there was. Everything was out there for everyone to see...and people still loved him! It has blown him away...he never felt that so many people would stand beside him AFTER they knew about his struggles. He never thought people would stand up and help the girls and I AFTER they had read my blog...but we have some of the dearest and most amazing people in our lives! We have some of the most spirit filled people in our lives and we are blessed more than anyone can know because of them! 

          We finally arrived and a dear friend of ours picked us up and took us to the center where JT and I walked in to together...it was terrifying. JT was actually shaking at one point. This was it. No turning back. We talked to the admissions counselor and saw more evidence of God's hand in all this! Throughout this whole thing, God has shown us Himself time after time...and left no room for wondering if it truly was God. It gave me hope in every step because God does not want people to live their lives in fear and shame...He has called His children into FREEDOM! I know it breaks His heart to see so many of His children living in that shadow of guilt and shame and JT and I both pray that as we walk through this very openly with everyone, it will open the doors for others who having been hiding their shame and guilt, to come forth in great boldness and ask for help so that they too can walk in freedom! 

        Then just like that, it was time for me to go. My "fixer" heart did not want to go...it was screaming at me," if you go, you can't fix him!"...walking out those doors was probably the hardest thing I have done in forever. But this isn't just about JT getting the help he needs to break every bondage, it also about me learning to trust my Heavenly Father. HE is the great fixer...not me. HE is the One who can change the heart of an addict. HE is the One who heals the broken...not me. 

       I walked out the door and my sweet friend just hugged me and drove me back to the train station where I spent the rest of the way home praying and talking to God and writing in my journal...really just pouring out my heart to Him. I cried most of the way home but even then God was sending His precious peace to let me know He was there with me. There was a little girl across the aisle from me and she had been turned around visiting with a young lady behind her. I knew they did not know each other but the young lady was very sweet and had been talking to the little girl most of the way home. When we were nearly home, the little girl asked the young lady if she had ever watched the movie," Heaven is for real", to which the young lady replied she had not. The little girl precedes to tell the young lady about how much God loves us, and even when things look really bad, God still has a really good plan, we just might not know it yet."...I just cried harder because God knows my heart. He knows that children play a huge part in my world and He used a little girl, no more than 6 years old, to speak truth to me! He cares about every detail!!! He is not just some big spirit or judge sitting in heaven bored or waiting for the end of the world...He is HERE. He is involved in my heart and all that makes my heart happy or sad. He is listening and is faithful to speak to us if only we will listen! 

          I came home where my girls were waiting on me and it was a really rough night for Mercy and I. We cried together most of the night both wearing JT's shirts...but we also prayed together and asked God to grow our faith. Teach us more about His heart and His ways. And we woke up the next day to another dear friend showing up at my house at 7:30 in the morning with ice tea and a gift card to my favorite place for tea...and I still cry when I think about it! My friends...God cares about something as tiny and insignificant as ice tea...because He LOVES us. He longs for us and pursues us! He adores us as His children! I am blown away by how many people have stepped in with things that they may not feel is that big a deal...like ice tea....but to me...they are being the arms and feet of Jesus and acting on His leading...and that is absolutely beautiful to me. 

           So that gets us caught up to today...and today I choose JOY. I choose HOPE. I choose to believe in the promises of a Mighty God who loves JT and I and our family. I choose to believe that He is the One who picked out each member of our family and created the family that He wanted us to be to be able to fulfill and live out His calling on our lives. Maybe JT got side-tracked for awhile and totally off course...but God is about redemption! He is about bringing us back to where we need to be and protecting us and loving us as His children no matter what we have done...it is because of that great love for us, that He would send His only Son to die so that every chain could be broken at this moment in JT's life...doesn't that just blow you AWAY?!? He KNEW this would all happen...and He knows how this will end when we surrender to Him...in VICTORY! Satan will truly regret the time he spent on our trying so hard to destroy our family! God has ALREADY won this battle! That is worthy of JOY, not despair. I know that there are many days ahead and I know there are probably even more tears ahead, but I also know that I want my faith to grow and if this is what I have to walk through to learn more of my Father's heart, then I will walk it. I will learn from it. I will soak the tears, the pain, the freedom and the victory in, piece by piece and I will glorify my Father in Heaven! I will sing praises to Him because HE is WORTHY of so much more than my praise, my life, my all...

          So tomorrow is another day in this journey and we will walk it step by step. Thank you for praying for us my friends. Please don't stop! The girls and I hold those prayers close to our hearts when we are sad and missing JT. The Holy Spirit uses those prayers to speak truth to me when satan tries to tell me his lies of not being loved or good enough...so thank you! May Jesus be glorified through every part of this!! I will leave you for now with this song that just had to have been written with us in mind...listen to it and believe it and please do not stay one more day in shame and guilt...you don't have to! Freedom is right in front of you!

      

The next chapter: Redemption

Ephesians 1:7 "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding."

How do I start this? What do I say? How will everyone respond? What will people REALLY think about our family now?....just breathe deep....say a prayer....start writing.
            I am not sure how to write this to sound eloquent or pretty because sin is not pretty. It is ugly and hurtful and destructive. It takes the most beautiful parts of our lives and turns them into ugly pieces that we become ashamed of and so we hide them, deep inside, and paint our smile on so that everyone will think we are "normal" or "have it together" even though inside we are dying.Piece by piece. Sin by sin. And we have no way to get clean because then we would have to completely surrender ourselves to the opinions of others and that is probably the hardest part of this blog. But I made a promise to God when He prompted me to start this blog, that I would be honest...at all cost. So this blog will be one of those that you will either cry with because you understand, or because you have a deeply empathetic heart...or you will read this and become angry because we are now " one of THOSE people"...either way, is your choice. I pray you will read this and the Holy Spirit will speak to your heart through these words and that you will support and love our family even more than you did before you read this....so here goes...
             My beloved husband JT is leaving early next week to enter into an intensive recovery center for addicts for at least the next 30 days. He has struggled since his teen years with very addictive behaviors and has tried so hard to be "better", to "just stop", or to "turn away" from them...but is not always that easy. Satan has a way of lying to us and making us think that maybe it really isn't that bad of a thing...maybe people just over react...and the cycle continues of shame, guilt, and fear of being found out. Even certain churches and "christians" can make you feel like you cannot come clean because no one else struggles with this...that facade we put on is SO damaging! I pray with all my heart that one day we will be able to be completely honest with each other as members of the Heavenly Kingdom! JT and I have tried every resource we know to give him the tools to overcome this, but he is in bondage to this and I firmly believe that until he gets away from every environmental factor and is able to just focus completely on what is broken inside, what is causing him to continually turn to these things, he will never be free. Our marriage has struggled in so many ways through these 14 years because of these addictions and we both know that God is the only One who can break this bondage in his heart. This will be probably the most difficult thing our family has faced so far...and we have faced some doozies!...because not only will JT be gone for that time, but we will have no paycheck coming in and we will be paying for the treatment center...but God is faithful! I have spent my time in tears and fears and the Holy Spirit spoke His words over me, brought them to my mind...does He not care more about us than the sparrow?, Our we not His beloved? Does He not want Victory for our family? Of course He does! He promises that greater is HE that is IN me, than he that is in the world! The Holy Spirit resides in my heart...He gives me ALL the power I need to be able to face this with joy and strength! Satan is just a fallen messenger...doing his best to destroy our lives...we WILL NOT allow him to have a victory over our family. I committed to JT nearly 14 years ago to stand by him through everything...no matter how hard. I am true to my word only because the Holy Spirit gives me the strength to be. He fills my heart with love for JT and gives me a deep desire to help and support him as he walks this journey. I know that many of you may fill that I should leave...let me tell you that there is NO reason for you to come and speak to me about this...it will not happen. My commitments are very serious in my heart and I don't run away when something is hard. I am taught by the Holy Spirit to look at things through spiritual eyes...not physical...I am to see everything that JT can be as a free man walking in Christ! We all have that "thing" that is constantly battling us...that one (or two) sin that just won't let go...no matter how hard we pray, or how often we go to counseling...and just when we think we may be over it, it rears its ugly head and sinks its teeth back into our heart and pulls us under. The shame of that and the guilt of that weighs us down even more...and pretty soon, we can't breathe from all the stress of keeping the lies and deceit straight. That is how JT has been living for years. I am writing this with him reading it by my side and I would never push post unless he was ok with it because I love him and I don't want people to think badly of him. He is still an amazing daddy...he still has a heart that is burdened for the broken people in this world, he is still the one that my heart loves...and he is still a sinner...just like me. and you. He has just reached that point where he is finally ready to strip everything bare in front of everyone to become free. No more pretending. No more lies. No more facade. Just honest, painful truth. Our family will be relying on God to provide "manna" every day. We will go to bed at night not sure how things will get paid, but trusting that they will. And just like for the Israelites God provided manna every morning, He will provide for us. This is so true in my heart that  I know it comes from the beautiful peace of God. I am not worried or stressed about this. I know that God will provide and although I am fairly certain I will have days when I cry alot, or begin to doubt, I am already making a commitment to God that I will take those thoughts captive and speak joy into our family! We will put on our armor every morning knowing the enemy will attack us at our weakest and I will rely on you my dear friends for support and encouragement. I will call on many of you to cry or possibly even whine...and my girls will need to know that judgement is not sitting out there waiting to pounce on them for choices their dad made, but love instead. Please remember that this is their dad and they love him very much...so be gentle when you talk around them please! Let them know it's ok to cry or be upset and then please reassure them of God's great faithfulness. I am praying even now that God will use this time to show Himself to my girls as He alone will be providing our needs. From our gas to our groceries. I want them to see His love for them in this and I want them to know that I don't just talk about trusting God...that I live it. That it is part of who I am. I ask that you pray for JT. This is so difficult to expose himself like this for all the world to judge...but please remember that he is your brother and that we are called to encourage, pray for, and support our brothers when they need it. I pray that you will ask God to speak truth into his life like never before and that every curse and every chain of bondage will be broken and thrown away. I pray that God will speak truth over him about his value in Christ and about the beauty of redemption. I pray that when JT leaves that building it will be with no burden of shame, no burden of guilt and no grief...but with a freedom that will not be contained! I pray that God will rise up a mighty warrior in JT, and that satan will regret for all eternity the time he spent on destroying JT. I pray our family will be a light for others who are walking this road...may they find freedom in knowing they are not alone. So, there it is...another chapter of our life for all to see...I cannot explain to you how important your prayers will be for our family in the next few weeks or months. Our counselor recently told us this," when people find out that someone in their church has cancer or a disease, they rally behind that family, They will provide meals or fundraisers to raise money for medical bills and lots of prayers...but when people find out about an addictive sin that someone needs treatment for, they tend to run away, or turn a blind eye or worst yet, talk about that family in a disdainful way...but the sickness is just as grave, if not more so than a medical condition, because with addictions, we are dealing with someone's soul." How true that is! It really made me stop and think about how many people must be struggling with no freedom of saying "I need help!" because of the fear of being judged by other believers. I will not let that fear take hold in our family. I want the girls to understand that we battle FOR each other, not against. I want them to be brave enough in their own lives to be able to ask for help...regardless of the sin. I especially want them to know that God renews, redeems, and transforms us. God takes broken, destroyed people and turns them into warriors and victors! Just look at God's Word...the very books we treasure and go to over and over again are written by broken sinners that God has redeemed. God already knows what glory will come from this. He already knows the outcome and I know that He wants JT free of this so that he can continue to use JT in powerful and mighty ways. I pray that God will take every day of this and use it to teach us of His heart, His provision, and His great love for us. I will be posting about this journey frequently and some of the post may be harder than others but I promise you that as you walk this journey with us, you will hear my complete honesty about it. You will read my heart, just as you are doing now, as you read these words...so....please let me know that you will join our family in prayer. Please comment or email me or call me or something to let me know that you are praying for us! Please don't forget to pray...I will be coveting those prayers so much! Please understand that I will probably have days when I am sad or possibly mad and please understand that more than anything I want God to be praised through this! I will write my heart and I ask you to read it just like the pages of my journal. It will be intimate and straight into my heart. I love you all my dear sisters and brothers. I am beyond grateful for the family that I belong to in Christ. I know what beautiful people you are and how supportive you are going to be...and I thank you for that...it makes it a little easier as I expose my heart to you. I will leave you with this," 1 Peter 1:6-7, In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved geunine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." ....may this make our faith even stronger in Him.
                                        His servant,
                                           Brandi Shearer