Chapter two: Manna

This is how I feel today...like tonight Jesus is just holding me, teaching me, and praying over me...this is why...

Today has been difficult. I have been crying off and on all day. Happy tears, sad tears, frustrated tears...just lots of tears! It is in those tears that I find healing:)
       Today was the first time that I went to church since JT left...the first time I would face many people face to face since writing my very open and honest blog about our journey and I was scared. I mean it. I know my church family is going to read this and laugh, but I really was! I kept trying to think of a way out of it because it is embarrassing for me. That is being as honest as I can. Having everyone read about our journey is different than looking into the faces of the people you love and respect and knowing they know all your families sin...all of it! Every ugly, nasty sin is out there for them to judge and I was terrified of walking through that door. My heart was pounding and I just wanted to turn around and jump back into the car! But I am learning alot about myself through all this and one thing I am learning is that I can do ALL things through the power of Christ, even expose everything in our family for the glory of God!
       I held the hand of my little one and put that smile on my face and walked up to the door....and was met with my family. My family who loved me and my girls. My family who was walking through this WITH us. My family who supported and prayed for me in ways that I don't even realize. My family. This journey is not just about JT and I and our girls...this is a much bigger journey I am beginning to see. This is a journey that our church, our friends, and our family...even strangers...are taking with us. This is a journey about the body of Christ living out the call to FOLLOW HIM! TO be His hands, feet, mouth...and it blows me away!
           After I left church I got in the car and had a hard time keeping my emotions in check because I was overwhelmed by the LACK of judgement I felt. I was overwhelmed with the hugs, the prayers, and love I saw people showing me and my girls even though they knew everything! There could never again be any thought of us being," the perfect" family or of our family being "so good"...our sin was out there. Our struggle was in plain view for everyone to see...and we were loved. I would even dare to say we were loved BECAUSE of our struggle being in plain view...people want to know that they are not alone in struggles very similar to ours. People want to know that the body of Christ can function just the way it is described in Scripture! It can! It does! You are not alone! If you are struggling with any bondage, I implore you my friends...speak of it. Confess it. BE FREE! Love is waiting, not judgement. Freedom is there, not bondage! Satan is telling you how if you tell, everyone will walk away...but I am here to tell you that is a lie! Please don't believe it...for the true body of Christ will not ever walk away, but open their arms and hearts to you because as a family, we want what is the best for each other!
             We can home and after an emotionally exhausting day dealing with not only our journey, but others who are struggling, my heart was not ready for what happened next...friends from our church showed up at our house with groceries. Now, I am being so painfully honest through this, so please bear with me...but we were out of milk. I know it may sound small but for a house of seven girls who love to eat cereal and cook...milk is important. The friends had brought milk with all the other groceries. I did not realize it until they had left and when I did, I had to go to my bedroom and close the door...it was all just to much! I was amazed. Milk...yes MILK was provided for our family when we had none! It is a HUGE thing for us...but I will tell you something else that I did...
                   When I was in my bedroom, I was crying because I was so embarrassed for these sweet friends to come into my broken home and bring us food...even though I knew God had provided it, I was just so embarrassed...and that my friends is pride. God has been speaking to my heart about this alot tonight...I have some pride that is going to have to go! I am hanging on to this selfish pride that doesn't want people to see the condition of my home, or see empty pantry shelves...pride. The very thing that can destruct and destroy and God has been showing me of this isn't just about JT yet again...our whole family has ALOT to learn about God's provision, His grace, His calling on our life...and to be able to hear that and walk in it fully and freely, my pride has to go. I had to lay it at his feet tonight and ask for forgiveness because I do not want ANYTHING between my Father and I. As painful as it is, I want God to refine me through this. And I think He will be showing me many things in my heart that need to change...things that I wouldn't of even known I had or dealt with unless we walked through this journey. I am starting to understand that HIS picture is so much bigger than mine and that He is directing JT and I both as we walk the path closer to His heart. My faith needs to grow. I need to be stretched and put in positions of being completely without, so that I can see God provide. He knows this about me and that is exactly what He is doing. He is not just working on JT...no...my heart is being challenged in ways that are painful at times! He is revealing to me many things that aren't right in my re-action of this situation. I am being put in positions every day where I have to live out what I believe...it is easy to talk forgiveness, entirely different when you have been the one betrayed and hurt. It is easy to talk of God's grace and provision, entirely different when you have to live out that faith in believing He will provide! It is easy to talk of forever love...entirely different when that love has been broken. This journey for me is about growing...my faith, my belief, my prayer life:) It all needs to grow...deeper and more intimately with Jesus until there is nothing left but HIM! His responses become my own, His words speak through me, His heart replaces mine....this is what I am longing for through this! To be able to know and understand God's heart and be able to live HIM out to everyone I meet. This is my prayer...
             I will end this blog by saying that being a part of the family of Christ...I'm talking FOLLOWERS here....the ones who are not just believers but are also followers...it actually takes my breath away. It humbles me in the most precious of ways. It brings me to my knees crying and singing to the God who we serve. I am so grateful for this family. I have always felt a deep kinship with my heavenly family, ever since I was a little girl, but this...this is so much deeper. I have this beautiful and amazing peace that comes over my shoulders like a blanket. It is this reassurance of God's love and faithfulness to our family and it comes through the simplest of things...like milk and ice tea and gas money on the front seat of my car not knowing how it got there...it comes through a card from a dear friend praying for me, it comes through your comments on facebook or here that lift up my heart when it is weary! It comes from the Holy Spirit...but He uses you. You don't even realize it...but you are an important part of this journey! I love each of you that have prayed for us, encouraged us and supported us, hugged us, given to us...I love each of you that have reached out to me and told me your stories of hope, of victory, even those of despair...for this is what a family does. This is exactly what God intended His family to be like....we share our hearts, we expose our faults, we bind up and support each other through our weaknesses. Thank you for showing me and the girls such a clear example of His family. It makes excitement and longing shoot through me as I think of Heaven...and all the dear family waiting for us! What a beautiful family we will be in heaven!! Thank you for looking through the faults and the sin and hurt and seeing us. Our family. Our hearts. I pray God will continue to teach us all even more of what it is like to be in His family!