So I am about to write some really hard things....things that I wish I did not have to write. Please understand that as I write this out, I am just writing my heart out, the things that are stored inside it and so they may not be eloquent or happy even...they are just what is inside my heart right now.
After Kari attacked me, she was taken to the hospital where they admitted her into their behavioral area. She was still very angry and I did not see her but did talk to the counselor the next day and was told that she had gotten into a verbal altercation with one of the peers already. And then today we had our first phone conversation since she attacked me.
I will be very honest here. I was completely terrified even though we were just on the phone. The last time I heard her voice it was yelling and screaming that she wanted to kill me. I was sick to my stomach and shaking as the counselor told me that she was there in the room with him and was on speaker phone. They had wanted me to come in to meet her, but right now I simply cannot see her so they agreed to the phone call and I thought it would be easier but it still really got to me. We began by Kari explaining to the counselor why she had attacked me and repeating what she had done. Hearing your daughters voice describe with no emotion whatsoever that she wanted to kill you and then describing how she was trying so hard to end my life that day, just broke my heart...it messes with your head actually...like, I could not believe that I was sitting here on the phone listening to this...it became a bit surreal. And I just wanted it to stop.
The counselor did a great job with keeping her focused on the "why" of things, as Kari likes to blame everything on everyone else, but then it was my turn to talk and I felt dizzy with fear but this is part of the journey for us as adoptive parents and no matter what I am her mom...so I began to tell her how much she had hurt me and how scared I was and then she interrupted me to tell me that she had every right to do that to me because I had disrespected her by trying to walk away. The counselor asked if she had really meant to kill me or just hurt me to which she replied," I wanted to kill her. I want her to die."...can you just stop for a second and re- read those words...how does a child say those things to their parent? How does this mommy heart recover? The counselor immediately ended the call and took Kari back and then came back on the phone and told me that this was very serious. He believes that Kari would end up taking my life if we do not do something to prevent that and that just broke my heart all the more because I have been telling everyone that this was going to happen and finally I had someone who was going to help me, someone that would not allow her back in my home.Someone was finally listening!But where does all this leave Kari?
Honestly, I don't know. I feel grieving in my heart as though mourning for a child that has been lost...Kari is not that little girl anymore. I don't know if it is the medicine , the mental disorder, or spiritual warfare...or all of it...I just know that I am her mommy. I love her and miss her fiercely. I am broken for her and what the future holds for her. I am so so so sad that the mere thought of seeing her causes me to shake with fear...but I also know that I will pray for her. I will lift her up to the One who can free her mind, and heal her brokenness. I know that I will make lots of phone calls on her behalf and that I will fight for her...but it will be from a distance now...and that makes my heart very sad. I don't know when I will be able to see her again without fear...it may be a very long time. And even though I don't understand for one second why she did what she did...I don't hate Kari. I'm filled with sadness for her at times and it does make me angry at her birth parents who set this whole thing in motion all those years ago when they decided to abuse and hurt the beloved gift God had given them.
So not only our we going through the journey of addictions/recovery and everything that comes with that, but we have decided to throw in mental illness as well. My heart goes from my husband to my daughter to my finances to my other daughters, to...and in the midst of it, I hear that gentle rolling of thunder in my spirit. It is the Heavenly Father's peace that I can almost audibly hear at times, as it comes over my fretting spirit and it reminds me again and again that we are in a battle. Satan wants to destroy my family. He wants to destroy my faith. But all he is doing is causing me to run faster and closer and dive into my Father's Arms and pick up my weapons and NEVER set them down. Not for a minute. This hasn't caused me to doubt my Jesus....not at all! This has caused me to memorize more of His words. This has caused me to be in such a state of prayer that I haven't said an amen for weeks because I will not stop praying for a second! It has caused me to throw my hands up and drop to my knees and sing praises to my King because HE ALONE will be glorified. Satan will not have one victory, even though he may think he has won at times. I stand firm on the Rock. I look around me and see the waves rushing up to overwhelm me and drown me, and I look into the eyes of Jesus and KNOW that they cannot hurt me. This is about faith and this is about trust. This is about living out what I have "preached" all along. This is about seeing how little my faith is now, and knowing that on the other side of this, there is a deeper, more intimate faith in Christ and I long for that with all that I am. I have often prayed that God will grow my faith and draw me closer to His heart every day, and I think He knew it would take something like this for me to grow up:)
So here we are....yes, it can seem overwhelming...but every day you and I get to wake up and make a choice on who we serve. Every day we get to wake up and determine if we will choose joy or sorrow, happiness or sadness, praises or complaints...and even though there are times when I choose the wrong thing, today I choose joy. I choose to praise. I may praise with tears on my cheeks, but my hands will be lifted in complete surrender to Jesus. Doing this on my own strength isn't even an option for I would have given up long ago...but God is a God of HOPE when EVERYTHING around you looks broken. This is about me trusting my Father...my King. I am His daughter, a princess, and my prayer is that He will see me and joy will light up His face and that maybe He and the great crowd of witnesses are watching me walk through this and my reaction to all these things are a sweet fragrance to them. I pray that as you read this, your heart is drawn to walk with Him...to glorify Him in everything that happens! I pray you are encouraged to sing His praises out...just imagine if all of us true believers started singing His praises out with our life! How beautiful that would be to Him....and it can all start with one choice today...the choice of who you will serve...as for me?...I will serve the Lord.
Thank you for all your encouragement...you have NO IDEA how God is using your words, actions, and provisions to grow our families faith! Being in the family of Christ is such an honor and I am so humbled to be your sister my friends...I truly am. Please continue praying...this journey is not easy and my knees tremble alot and my tears flow even more...but God is faithful! Praise His name...He is faithful!
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