JT and I knew the day was coming quickly so we talked about more than we have talked about in years...openly, honestly, sometimes painfully. We tried to think about all the things that might come up that I would need to take care of while he was gone and make sure I knew how to do it. We tried to make all the phone calls and organize as best we could with such short notice...and with such heavy things weighing on our hearts. Tuesday evening JT's six daughters gathered around their daddy and prayed over him, the youngest praying that sin would not live in daddy's heart anymore. It was raw and emotional and incredibly hard! We cried alot and prayed together some more. JT and I sat up until very late talking about how it gotten to this point and he reminded me again of how all it takes is one choice that leads to another choice and on and on and then pretty soon, you are looking around and cannot believe that you have gotten so far off course...and you are terrified to make it right...so the fear of shame keeps you quiet, which in turns keeps you in more bondage. We finally went to bed, but never really slept...and then morning was here. It was time to leave. There was a part of me that just wanted to say forget it! We would figure out another way...but I knew deep in my heart this was the only way...and I had to trust. When JT came walking down the hallway with tears running down his face because he had just kissed his girls goodbye, it broke my heart. It also made me angry...why does sin have such a hold on us? Why do we allow it to creep in and rob us of the joy and peace that comes from Jesus!
We drove to the train station and boarded the train...it felt completely weird to know that I would come home on this train without JT by my side...and so I had a very difficult time keeping my emotions in check. Tears would just flow out my eyes without me even realizing that they were there. The tears would well up inside my throat and I thought for sure I would just have a complete breakdown! I didn't want any of this. I didn't ask for any of this...and yet, here I was. Sometimes God has a go through things and for the life of us, we can not see how it could possibly be turned into a beautiful thing...but right at that moment, the Holy Spirit brought Joseph to my mind. My brother in Christ who spent countless times in a prison or a hole because of something that he had no control over...and never would he have thought that God would use it ALL for His glory, but He did. That peace that only of those of you who know the Holy Spirit intimately swept over me and I could breathe again.
At one point JT had gotten up to get a snack and stretch his legs, and he didn't come back for quite sometime and I began to worry that something was wrong, but then there he was, and I could tell that he had been crying again. I could see how hard and heavy this was for him. He just sat down and held my hand and said he was sorry and told me thank you for letting him do this. I hate to see how much this battle has affected and taken away from JT. But for the first time, we talked about how much HOPE there was. Everything was out there for everyone to see...and people still loved him! It has blown him away...he never felt that so many people would stand beside him AFTER they knew about his struggles. He never thought people would stand up and help the girls and I AFTER they had read my blog...but we have some of the dearest and most amazing people in our lives! We have some of the most spirit filled people in our lives and we are blessed more than anyone can know because of them!
We finally arrived and a dear friend of ours picked us up and took us to the center where JT and I walked in to together...it was terrifying. JT was actually shaking at one point. This was it. No turning back. We talked to the admissions counselor and saw more evidence of God's hand in all this! Throughout this whole thing, God has shown us Himself time after time...and left no room for wondering if it truly was God. It gave me hope in every step because God does not want people to live their lives in fear and shame...He has called His children into FREEDOM! I know it breaks His heart to see so many of His children living in that shadow of guilt and shame and JT and I both pray that as we walk through this very openly with everyone, it will open the doors for others who having been hiding their shame and guilt, to come forth in great boldness and ask for help so that they too can walk in freedom!
Then just like that, it was time for me to go. My "fixer" heart did not want to go...it was screaming at me," if you go, you can't fix him!"...walking out those doors was probably the hardest thing I have done in forever. But this isn't just about JT getting the help he needs to break every bondage, it also about me learning to trust my Heavenly Father. HE is the great fixer...not me. HE is the One who can change the heart of an addict. HE is the One who heals the broken...not me.
I walked out the door and my sweet friend just hugged me and drove me back to the train station where I spent the rest of the way home praying and talking to God and writing in my journal...really just pouring out my heart to Him. I cried most of the way home but even then God was sending His precious peace to let me know He was there with me. There was a little girl across the aisle from me and she had been turned around visiting with a young lady behind her. I knew they did not know each other but the young lady was very sweet and had been talking to the little girl most of the way home. When we were nearly home, the little girl asked the young lady if she had ever watched the movie," Heaven is for real", to which the young lady replied she had not. The little girl precedes to tell the young lady about how much God loves us, and even when things look really bad, God still has a really good plan, we just might not know it yet."...I just cried harder because God knows my heart. He knows that children play a huge part in my world and He used a little girl, no more than 6 years old, to speak truth to me! He cares about every detail!!! He is not just some big spirit or judge sitting in heaven bored or waiting for the end of the world...He is HERE. He is involved in my heart and all that makes my heart happy or sad. He is listening and is faithful to speak to us if only we will listen!
I came home where my girls were waiting on me and it was a really rough night for Mercy and I. We cried together most of the night both wearing JT's shirts...but we also prayed together and asked God to grow our faith. Teach us more about His heart and His ways. And we woke up the next day to another dear friend showing up at my house at 7:30 in the morning with ice tea and a gift card to my favorite place for tea...and I still cry when I think about it! My friends...God cares about something as tiny and insignificant as ice tea...because He LOVES us. He longs for us and pursues us! He adores us as His children! I am blown away by how many people have stepped in with things that they may not feel is that big a deal...like ice tea....but to me...they are being the arms and feet of Jesus and acting on His leading...and that is absolutely beautiful to me.
So that gets us caught up to today...and today I choose JOY. I choose HOPE. I choose to believe in the promises of a Mighty God who loves JT and I and our family. I choose to believe that He is the One who picked out each member of our family and created the family that He wanted us to be to be able to fulfill and live out His calling on our lives. Maybe JT got side-tracked for awhile and totally off course...but God is about redemption! He is about bringing us back to where we need to be and protecting us and loving us as His children no matter what we have done...it is because of that great love for us, that He would send His only Son to die so that every chain could be broken at this moment in JT's life...doesn't that just blow you AWAY?!? He KNEW this would all happen...and He knows how this will end when we surrender to Him...in VICTORY! Satan will truly regret the time he spent on our trying so hard to destroy our family! God has ALREADY won this battle! That is worthy of JOY, not despair. I know that there are many days ahead and I know there are probably even more tears ahead, but I also know that I want my faith to grow and if this is what I have to walk through to learn more of my Father's heart, then I will walk it. I will learn from it. I will soak the tears, the pain, the freedom and the victory in, piece by piece and I will glorify my Father in Heaven! I will sing praises to Him because HE is WORTHY of so much more than my praise, my life, my all...
So tomorrow is another day in this journey and we will walk it step by step. Thank you for praying for us my friends. Please don't stop! The girls and I hold those prayers close to our hearts when we are sad and missing JT. The Holy Spirit uses those prayers to speak truth to me when satan tries to tell me his lies of not being loved or good enough...so thank you! May Jesus be glorified through every part of this!! I will leave you for now with this song that just had to have been written with us in mind...listen to it and believe it and please do not stay one more day in shame and guilt...you don't have to! Freedom is right in front of you!
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