He took something like dirt...the stuff we walk on, wash off, complain about when it gets on our carpet or in our car...He took that dirt and saw beauty...He saw us. God takes the ugliest of situations, the bleakest of nights and He sees beauty. I am learning this more and more and it keeps blowing me away!
How many times do we look around us at our situation and see brokenness and pain...but HE sees beauty! How many times have I fallen on my knees before Him and cried out to Him that this problem was the one that would break me...it was just to hard...and I could not bear it!....I want to share this journey I am on with you. It is full of pain and heartbreak...it full of redemption and grace....and it is full of beautiful ashes.
I went to see JT on Saturday and am so grateful to my father-in-law who drove me down there and let JT and I spend hours alone together talking just to drive me back...six hours in the car for me to spend 3 with JT alone...I am so grateful for my father-in-law! My stomach was in knots and I was so nervous! I wasn't sure what it would be like or if JT would like me still or if I would feel any attraction for him at all....I was just nervous!! I had been praying for days that God would have my spirit leap within me when I saw JT. That I would KNOW that JT was surrendering everything to God. So of course I was scared, because what if my spirit didn't leap? What if we didn't like each other anymore? I had went to visit our pastor before I went on the trip and he told me," It is what it is...don't make it better than it is and don't make it worse than it is...just take it right where it is." I had those words playing through my mind as I went and told them I was here to pick up JT....and then he was there in front of me. My heart just kinda stopped beating. I was filled with a longing and MISSING of him if that makes sense:) I wanted to kiss him. I haven't really wanted to kiss JT in a very long time. I'm just being completely honest here, but when you find out that your husband is lying to you and deceiving you, it takes away any romantic feelings you might have for him and when it goes on for years and years...well....kissing isn't exactly what you think about doing to him! But at that moment, I wanted to kiss him. I didn't of course! But I did take that as a reassurance to my heart that God was giving me a desire for this man...this NEW man in front of me.
We got in the car and Harry drove us to a restaurant where we visited and talked and just kept things light. Then JT and I decided to go over to the bookstore where we could sit and talk and my precious father in law said he would walk around the mall until we were done and would come pick us up when we were ready for him. JT and I walked over to the store and occasionally JT would reach for my hand and just brush my fingertips or hold my hand for just a second and then let go...I had butterflies like we were on a first date and in a way we were...after nearly 14 years of marriage to this man I was JUST NOW getting to know who he really was. I was seeing into his heart with no walls and so it was a first date of sorts for us:)
We got settled in a little private table in the corner of the bookstore coffee shop and JT began to share with me his heart. He began to tell me what God is showing him and how for the first time, he is hearing God and feeling the prayers that you my friends pray. He had tears in his eyes more often than not as he told me of how deeply he regretted all the lost time that he can never get back. He let me read some letters that he had written to friends he had lied to or deceived. These were not easily written I can tell you....and I saw a rawness in them that was real and from deep within JT...not a letter that sounded pretty or looked "nice"...this was just real honesty...to the point of great pain for JT. He showed me his notes from all his classes and talked to me about what he is learning about himself. How even he is learning who he is still without all the lies and deceit. He is finding the person he was created to be. I was filled with hope as we talked and as he would reach down and touch my hand, my heart would speed up. When I talked, he was looking into my eyes...when he talked he was looking into my eyes. That may not seem significant to you but let me tell you that when you lie and deceive, it is very hard to look into people's eyes, and when your heart is full of shame and regret, you don't want to look at people and I haven't had my husband truly look into my eyes or allow me to look into his in a very. long. time. And I missed it more than I thought....and now, there were his eyes, looking straight into mine and allowing me to look deep into his and he didn't turn away. I have a thing with eyes and I know that I have made some people uncomfortable because I can look rather intensely into people's eyes but it is because I truly believe God's word when He says that the "eyes are the windows of the soul"....I know it is true and for JT to just open that window was healing to my heart. Our eyes often speak what our mouths will not say.
Anyway, I found myself sad that our time was nearly up, His dad got there to pick us up and he drove us back. I sat in the back seat with JT and made a video for the girls of JT talking to them. I was sad and happy all at once. We got back to the Right Step and JT and his dad said good bye and that they loved each other and I walked him back in. While we waited for them to come and get him, I reached up and kissed him. I just couldn't help myself. I love this man. I felt God answer my prayer by giving me a desire and a love for him. I have believed in JT since they day I fell in love with him nearly 15 years ago when I knew that I wanted to marry him. Everytime I have wanted to run away or just leave....God has spoken to my heart and told me to stay. It has not been easy by any means...sometimes the pain of staying was so intense that I thought I would simply wither away but God is faithful my friends. He is always there...even when we can't see Him. He is always doing something....even when we hear silence. We see the physical around us, but we have to believe with everything in us that there is so much more going on around us...a battle. A war being waged on our behalf in the spiritual realm. I believe in the spiritual realm as much as I believe in the physical...it is part of who I am.
God has put people in my life who have spoken hope to me. They have spoken life to me. They have many many times become the audible voice of God for me. Lance Lang who has walked this journey and found HOPE has given me hope through his story. My counselor Larry Nelson who was seeing JT and I before he left and continued to talk with me and teach me how to be bold and firm in my walk. My pastor Mark Aduddell and his wife who takes time to listen to me as I share my heart and who I KNOW boldly goes before the throne on the behalf of JT and I. My dear friends who have called and messaged me and written to me....I could not possibly write all your names down for you are to many in number! Those of you who support our family through prayer, money, time, and resources...it is all so humbling! God has made Himself so evident to me and continually provides His manna daily for the girls and I. Far beyond what we could ask for! He pours His love out on my daughters so that they too can see that God cares for them! Not just JT and I...but for them! He has provided for them and given them desires of their hearts....and they can SEE visibly His great love for them. What a beautiful gift to give them! How grateful I am to this beautiful King I serve!
So where are we at right now? Well....JT is going to be calling a place called," Clay's Crossing" and trying to get in with them for 30 more days. This is a place that offers alot more spiritual insight into these addictions and it will give JT the strong foundation he needs to be able to come home and continue this battle. If they accept him and we can afford it or get insurance to cover part of it, he will come home for the weekend and spend the weekend with his girls and then I will drive him to Clay's crossing. The great thing about this place is that it is much closer to us...in Maud Oklahoma...so that the girls and I could go down and visit him alot more. JT is learning so much about himself and how to avoid the triggers of addictions and one of those main things is surrounding himself with men who love God and love to serve Him! I am praying that God will already be laying it on different men's hearts to befriend JT as a work-out partner, an accountability partner, a prayer warrior, a football buddy or hunting friend....just a friend. Someone that will hold his feet to the fire in honestly and accountability....and I know He will. I know that He already has selected those men and that they will surround JT and he will know that he will never fight this battle alone again. That is one thing that JT has said to me. He feels like God just keeps telling him to tell his story. He doesn't know what that means, but he knows that when he comes home, he HAS to tell his story. He doesn't want one more man to be sitting in a church hiding who he really is. We both want God to through open the doors so that we can both tell others of how this journey is going...still going...still walking...but how faithful God has been and is and how He and He alone can change the heart of someone. Addictions need to be talked about. Pornography, gambling, drinking, drugs, video games or cell phones....whatever the addiction is, it NEEDS to be taken out of the dark and brought into the light because ONLY THEN can healing start. No more bondage. No more heavy burdens to carry around....just freedom. I pray God will give us the bravery we need to keep telling our story...completely honest no matter what. For I have learned that honesty leads to freedom and that is where JT and I are headed...for freedom.
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