Ok, so most of you know I have been gone for a bit. In rehab....it makes me sad to just type those words "in rehab". In rehab I was met with a most distressing cast of characters. I heard more "f" bombs in a few minutes than I normally heard in months, I was introduced to "leaders" who had shot heroin and were hiding from warrants. I met people who didn't want help. I was convinced that I didn't belong, just put my head down, get through the process, try to patch things up at home and just get done. Whatever done meant to me. Sure there were some "actions" that I needed help controlling, and there was probably something underlying those that was painful and hurt. But I didn't really have to deal with all of that, I just needed this guy.....some counselor I had never met.....to believe I was better, and then it would be off to home and a wife who puts up with anything and a ready made family that I had built. So convince one guy....so why all the drug addicts, heroin shooters, meth heads, speed junkies, alcoholics,.....losers, why was I here with them? Didn't they know who I was? I am a Father, partner, teacher, theologian, thinker, intellectual, accomplish-er, survivor, good guy, white hat, the whole bit. I was too good to be with these guys. Of course, that arrogance would get me no where in here, so I had to lay low and charm my way out, and don't forget, get the tools i needed to be "sober" to stop a few bad "actions" that I had kinda maybe lost control of......yeah, that really is how bad I was. Then I had this thought. What if i really did belong with these guys? Sure they had addictions and problems, but maybe, just maybe I was worse?? how so? I was a liar. A huge diversionary double-life leading liar. To keep it simple I was an addict. Just like those you read about and here about. I wasn't lying in a literal ditch, or OD'd in the shower, or headed to jail (although I could have been, if i got caught), or anything that you could see that confirmed it, but just as sure as the junkie that weighs 80 lbs and can't eat because he wants to get high, I was addicted. Now this is a public forum and I have barely scratched the surface of my recovery, so let's talk ground rules. I am not going to discuss to many specifics of my addictions. I am not ready. I haven't figured out how to do it safely yet. My "sobriety" is really a life or death thing for me so I must be general. Let me be clear. My addictions are real, scary, life destructive, crazy things and i will discuss them generally here today, and probably more specifically later. My wife has been amazing, this blog is something I never dreamed that she would do. Her honesty and openness has encouraged many people to be more open about their struggles, and that includes me. I want to be more open and honest about my struggles which is why I am writing this between rehabs, yeah I am going back in......why?? Because as I said, I have barely scratched the surface of my recovery. If there is one thing that I have learned clearly it is that God is not done yet. I have pushed Him out along with everyone else that cares for me. There is turning back, there is Hope, there is recovery!! But first there is pain. There is hurting. There is a lot of work to do. What I (and a lot of people) dismissed as a "behavioral issue" is really a heart condition. Really a heart disease. I may have had a disease, but it started with intentional acts, intention cover up, systematic denial and complete insanity. There are a lot of programs to help recovering addicts, and I don't mean to promote one over another, but a famous one has a second step "We believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to SANITY". At least the quote is close.....I will tell you, my friends, that admitting that we are living as insane persons is a hard task. Someone, like me, who seems to have it all together, but inside is a jumbled mess of pain, shame, regret, hurt, and then completing the cycle.....right back to "using". Only to perpetuate the cycle by feeling that pain and shame immediately once again. As I told my stories in rehab, and spent time with the guys I described above, i learned that I was the same as many of them. I had the same urges, the same bouts with insanity, the same lies, the same everything. I may have been different "drugs" but the brokenness was the same. Here I was, good church boy, in the same ditch. I found empathy that can only be shared by people who are walking a road together. I found hope in the stories of people who had hit bottom and recovered many years ago. I found caution from those who have relapsed so many times, only to give it one more try. I found encouragement when I was struggling. The most important thing I found?? It was God. He has shown Himself through the love that his people have shown. He has shown the way by ordering the process in the only way I would follow. He has shown forgiveness through a family that could (some say "should") have given up on me. That has lead me back to Him, and while I was away at a secular rehab center, if there is such a thing (another story, another time) He has clearly stated that it is time to seek Him more intentionally. Which is why I am headed now to a Christian based recovery program. I am terrified to do it. I am excited to do it. I must do it. As I said before, my recovery and my sobriety has become life and death. My recovery is not in my power, remember step 2 above?? Therefore, my relationship with God has become life and death to me. I will seek Him in the morning, literally, as I leave tomorrow morning for the next chapter. I covet your prayers. I am so grateful to a Sustaining God who through His Church (not the building :)) has provided the necessary manna for my family to survive. He had eliminated my largest objection before I had a chance to worry. I know He will continue this provision. I am looking forward to writing again soon. Take Care and Goodnight!!
NOTE FROM ME:: I do not know why you are reading this. I don't presume to guess what you are looking for in it. I want to make one thing clear. I am a very imperfect messenger. I feel much like a squire of old, fighting a knight's battle and losing greatly. I have sat in the King's court and not known Him as I should. I am now thrust on the battlefields and like a weak and wounded warrior, I am simply trying to go from friendly campsite, to friendly campsite in search of rest, sustenance. and knowledge of the way of Hope. The way back to the King. I have no message other than the one God is writing in my life. I speak of no one's problems but my own. I make no judgement or comment on anyone else's behaviors. But I felt compelled to write today in my words the journey as far as I can see it to this point. I make no other implications and, as the subject matter is very sensitive, discretionary inferences are required for protection and safety of all who are suffering from addiction and it's various forms.
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