Being an addict's wife:

What is it like to be the wife of an addict?....I never thought I would be able to answer that question but here I am. When you are an addict, it does not just affect you. It affects everyone you come in contact with and try to build a relationship with. JT's addictions have affected our marriage, our children, our finances, and our future. When you are an addict, you can think of only one thing...you. It consumes you. And that leaves your spouse to fight alone. So....what is like to be the wife of an addict? Well...it's lonely. It's hard. It's filled with pain. So many times you wonder what YOU did wrong. Was it because you weren't pretty enough? Maybe if you had just been more persistent, less persistent...maybe if you had been firmer...or gentler....You question everything. You think that if you were just "spiritual" enough, your prayers could fix him. If your faith was stronger, if your body was prettier, if YOU were different...but I am learning that it actually has nothing to do with me or the girls or anyone else. It has to do with JT. It has to do with something inside of his heart that is broken. And no one can fix that except him.
      When you are an addicts wife, you feel like you need to try harder for your children because you are afraid that this may damage them forever. When you are an addicts wife, you try to hide or cover up things so that people won't think badly of him...or you. You get to a point where you just lose yourself because those addictions dominate everything. Your time. Your plans. Your dreams. Your everything. You know that they are constantly thinking about how they can do those addictive things and so the time they spend with you does not feel special or valued at all...it is always distracted and preoccupied thinking about those addictions.
     Some people may wonder why JT and I have taken such drastic steps and they may not understand just how deadly these addictions have gotten. That's ok. It is so hard to truly understand things that you have not walked them yourself. But as we walk this and I learn more and more about these addictions that he has struggled with since he was a teenager, it is very clear to me that we are taking the right steps. Not necessarily the easiest steps...but the right ones never the less....Jt being gone for 90 more days is not a decision we made lightly. I struggled with it in a physical way for days...torn and broken over not knowing what to do! I was so afraid that we would make the wrong decision and it would cost us everything. Because quite honestly I never want to walk this road again...ever. I want this to be the ONE time and JT's heart is changed forever more. So we struggled....we talked, we prayed, we sought wisdom from people who have walked this road ahead of us and those who had great spiritual discretion....and I could not find the peace. My heart was physically hurting, my headaches were back with a terrible vengeance and the tears just kept flowing. Now you would think with all that happening, the choice would be easy for JT to go for 90 more days...but friends, I love my husband. I love him very much and through all this God continues to grow that love and I miss him when he is not here with me. The girls love their daddy very much and they miss him, The thought of him being away until December just made me sick. Satan threw every doubt my way...how would we live? How would I parent alone again? What if something happened to the girls or I? Who would get the house ready for winter when the freeze comes? What if he stopped loving me? What if he saw this as a way to be free from us? The questions just bogged me down with confusion and sorrow and frustration.
       So when I drove JT to his AA meeting in Edmond on Wed. afternoon, I sat in the car and cried my eyes out. I begged God to make this work...please let him be able to stay home and work the program from there. I thought of how many men and women struggle with addictions but DO NOT go into rehab for this long. I asked God to bring us a car for JT so that I wouldn't have to drive him to every meeting. I asked God to bring me some peace about this! And while he was sitting in that meeting, I didn't know that God was working on his heart in much the same way...I just knew that I was desperate for answers. And then I checked my messages and seen that I had missed a call from Rob's Ranch and they were calling to tell us that had a bed open for JT the very next day if we were ready. When I listened to that message, I just felt instant peace. The Holy Spirit rushed over me and I heard Him very clearly say that He did not provide a car, He provided a bed at Rob's Ranch and that I knew JT was not ready for this yet, that JT still had work to do. And there was peace. I thought," when JT comes out of this meeting I am going to have to tell him that I think he should go to Rob's Ranch." and I wasn't sure how he would respond. I know that he misses the girls and I and he had said over and over that he can do this from home now...
        JT came out and got in the car and I asked him how it went. He asked me to wait until we went to eat before we talked about the meeting. When we got inside the restaurant, I asked him again how the meeting went and he took out his notebook and read me a quote from it and said that he felt like he was still being rebellious and still hanging on to some pride and that he felt like he should go to Rob's Ranch...I just cried. I told him I was feeling the same way and we had such peace...together....for the first time in a long time. We were both on the same page!
        So even though you may not understand it, please believe me when I say that this is the right thing for JT right now. God still has much to teach him about surrendering and understanding his addictions. He is learning to listen and obey the Holy Spirit...and this was one of the first times in his life that he truly felt like HE was obeying...not following someone else who was obeying, not pretending to obey, but that HE was actually hearing the Holy Spirit and was willing to follow that calling. This is HUGE friends!! God IS working in JT's life! God DOES have a great purpose for him and for our marriage.
        So what is it like to be an addicts wife? Well, for me....it is about growing in my faith. Every morning I wake up and reminded that God is the one who will take care of me today. I talk to the girls about how much Christ loves us and how He is providing for our every need. How GOOD He is to our family. Our daily needs are not just being met, but people have given gift cards to restaurants so that the girls and I can go out to eat once in awhile. We have little things that people give to us that shows us in such a physical way that God always goes above and beyond for our family! This is because He loves us. He sees us and hears our cries. He is right here with us and that is so humbling! I have said before and I will keep saying," I love my Christ family!" I feel such a deep kinship with my family...those who are here and those who are in Heaven rooting for us. I know that there is a MUCH bigger plan that what I see. I know that God has many things for me to learn about faith and the depths of His love for us.
       Many times we walk through such tough things in life and we feel alone. But we are not my friends. We are NEVER alone. We must believe this! God PROMISES us that He will NEVER leave us and He NEVER breaks His word. We may not understand why we have to walk these difficult roads sometimes. We may question our ability to be able to make it through them. We may cry all day sometimes and sing the next...but we are never alone. Not through one step of it.
        I have my bad days. Days of doubt. But I am learning that in those moments, to just simply go to God and ask Him to help me. I read His beautiful Words in the Bible and the hope always comes....always. God is FULL of HOPE. He doesn't guard His hope and only pour it out on those "worthy" enough for it. He gives it to me when I sleep. He gives it to me when I am driving. He listens to me cry, He wipes those tears and He holds me and speaks His truth over my heart through His Word. I speak His Word out loud all day long now:) Because like my little 3 year old says," mommy, there is power in our prayers!"....yes there is!!
       I am looking forward to what God has in store for our family as we just keep walking forward...step by step...Phil.3:12-14 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
            Thank you for walking this journey with us...I wish there was a way to let you all know just how much you mean to me. I love each of you dearly and am so blessed to have you walk this road with us...please keep praying.