When the wounded fight...

Have you ever gotten a sticker in your foot or stepped on a nail and then tried to walk with it still in there? You know that feeling when your leg goes to sleep and you try to stand on it and you simply can't without alot of pain? You have to wait for the pain to stop before you can walk right but until then you kind of hobble 

around praying for it to stop.

         I am learning that is exactly how JT has felt for the last 20 years. He has been hobbling around trying to fight, swinging his sword every once in awhile, but all the while he was in this terrible pain. I know the analogy is a bad one but hopefully you can see my point:) JT and I spent an enormous time talking this weekend before he left and one thing that he kept saying was that his addictions are death to him. They are not just something he "struggles" with but they are actually DEATH for him. They were leading him down a road of utter destruction and even when he dug in his heels and tried so hard to stop....he couldn't. It was as though his addictions were in control of him which I guess is the very definition of an addict. He told me how many times after engaging in his addictive behavior he would cry out to God and plead with Him to not let it happen again....but it did. He and I both are still learning about why that happens...but one thing we have learned is that at some point the addiction becomes a disease and it slowly starts killing you, filling you with shame and brokenness. It can become something that your body physically or emotionally NEEDS to survive....now I believe that is a spiritual thing because I believe that satan wants to destroy JT and I. Many of you may disagree and that is ok, but I still believe. I believe that satan gets what the Bible calls a "stronghold" and he refuses to let go. Now JT may have invited that in and fed it for quite awhile before he realized that it controlled him now.
          But one of the greatest things I have ever read is this verse: 2 Corinthians 10:4 which says," The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds." JT has just never known how to use his weapons....or how to fight...or how to surrender to Christ. When you view things from a war perspective it changes the way you view them...when we have a war, you have to have someone in charge. Spiritually speaking Christ is in charge of this war we wage, He gives us the weapons, and the Holy Spirit to teach us how to use them...but until WE start listening, learning and fighting: the enemy wins. We have to surrender OUR will for His will, OUR way for HIS way, OUR plans for HIS plans, and OUR weapons for HIS....and we can't do that unless we are taught how. It doesn't just magically happen. As we walk this journey together I am able to see more than ever the people that God put in my life even as a little bitty girl, that taught me how to use my weapons and continue to teach me daily how to be a warrior for Christ. It humbles my heart and makes me eternally grateful for those people who have poured into me for so many years. People who continue to teach me how to pray, how to love God's Word and pursue it, how to forgive, how to be bold....all the things I still need to learn!
           JT is seeing that God put these people in his life all along but he never saw them until just recently. Doesn't that make you stop for a minute and think about your own life? How many people has God put in your life to help you through something so difficult, or to teach you how to grow closer to His heart and we just NEVER SAW THEM. We are so consumed with our "situation", or we are holding on to that anger, bitterness, hurt, pain with everything in us and if we were to be honest, we didn't really want to let it go just yet...and so we just sit in our hurt and pain. JT has said that he wishes so badly that someone would have set him down long ago and told him they saw him going down the wrong road and give him help...so I asked him if they had, would he have taken it. He said no. He said that maybe someone had and he just never heard them. That got me thinking of course....why? I'm still figuring it out, but I think we all have moments in our lives where we get to choose which road we go down...the broad or the narrow. 

          And that leads me back to the title of this blog...when the wounded fight. There are times when we have to go heal before we can battle anymore. We have to fix what is broken before we can conquer. JT has to go and be healed...no more wounds...so that he can come home and pick up his weapons and fight. He is just now learning how wounded he is...and that it may be a very long healing ahead....but he wants the healing. Not to save our marriage, or be with the girls but to BE HEALED! 
            Now, I have to be careful here, because I am in no way speaking for JT. You need to hear HIS words, and HIS heart to know where he is at...these are my words from my heart after I have spent the weekend with him. I am relaying what he has shared with me....and that I see a wounded warrior. 
             This whole entire thing has made me look at what I believe about alot of things....like can a Christian become an addict? Can a believer of Christ fall into addictive behavior? What do I believe about divorce? What do I believe about boundaries? How much of this is Spiritual Warfare? What does God see when He looks at JT? I have had to and continue to have to really search my beliefs and my heart. It has not been easy. Many times, it has taken my breathe away because it hurts so bad. It has caused me to cry more than I ever have before and for those of you who know me, you know that is some serious crying!:) It has caused me to search out the Scriptures and then decide if I believe them. It has caused me to be COMPLETELY RELIANT UPON GOD for our families food, gas, bills being paid. It has caused me to search my faith to see if I had any at all:) It has caused me to search out whether I really love JT....it has and is teaching me many many things about myself and who Christ is in me. It is causing me to fall more in love with Christ than ever before. So I am learning to be thankful for this journey and that is something I never thought I would be! I want to know Christ more intimately and I have often said," whatever it takes for me to draw closer to You Lord"....but I simply had no idea! 
           God is teaching me that He doesn't ever leave us wounded. He doesn't ever see us broken and walk away. Matthew 12:20 says," A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he has brought justice through to victory." Our worship leader brought this verse to my attention on Sunday and I heard the Holy Spirit speak through it over me. God wants us to be healed...and He longs for us to be complete in Him! It breaks His heart to see you wounded and struggling for each breath for each day...Please don't think you have to do it alone. You don't. Please don't think God doesn't care, He does. He is so passionate about taking care of you and  healing your broken hearts and all your hurts. He doesn't want us to fight wounded anymore....

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