I'm worn.

                There is a song out there called," Worn." by Tenth Avenue North. It has spoken to my heart many times before but even more so lately. I do feel worn many times lately. I feel darn tired. I have thought alot about the lyrics of this song and why they speak to my heart so much. I think it is because they give me the freedom to say," I'm Worn." So many times we are afraid to tell someone that we are not feeling well or that we are just plumb emotionally exhausted and we do the ever annoying," How are you?" which will get the ever quick,"I'm fine."....when in fact we may be dying inside or ready to give up or just need to cry. We may be hanging on a by a thread and would completely fall apart if someone stopped long enough to say," no. How is your heart doing today?"....I have found myself so guilty of this and I want to stop. I want people to tell me the truth about how they are doing, not what they think I want to hear or what is the easiest thing to say. I want to be able to respond to people when they ask me, with truth and honesty but that is a heck of alot harder than you think! So I am going to write this blog in the most honest way I can right now about something that is very, very heavy. I completely understand if you don't want to read it or need to move on to something a little lighter...this is just where I am.
             I haven't written about my daughter Kari in quite some time. I have many reasons but the top reason is that it is very painful for me to talk about. I have so much going on with JT and I right now that many times I think the last thing people want to hear about is another problem from Brandi's life:) But Kari needs our prayers. Kari is in a very dark place. Kari needs us to battle for her because right now she is to weak to battle for herself.
           I have not seen or spoken to Kari since she tried to kill me in the beginning of August. I miss her voice. I miss seeing her and talking with her. My heart aches in a physical way because she is my daughter and I long for her to be with me. It is not safe for me to see her or talk to her right now and that is so hard! I have tried to talk to her on the phone which resulted in the phone call being terminated quickly because of Kari wanting to kill me. I have asked to see her but she still tells the counselor that she will hurt me if she sees me. My parents go up every week for family counseling so that at least someone in our family can see her and lay eyes on her to make sure she is ok. They try to talk to her about me, and it always comes back to her wanting to hurt me. Even now those words cut me deeply. It takes me back to when I first met Kari....
          Kari was born as my niece. She was born early and was the tiniest of things. I was still in high school and went with my parents to visit her. I remember holding her and being filled with a deep love for her. I began to pray for her daily. Kari would come to visit my parents and her and I always had this sweet bond. And then I got married and moved into my home and Kari would come to visit her "Aunt Brandi and Uncle T"....and then when she was five she came to stay for the summer...which turned out to be for life. We had been married for just at a year when Kari was officially adopted by JT and I. I loved being her mom. It was something that I took great delight in!
           Kari always had serious problems mentally and physically but I worked really hard with her and her therapist and we started seeing a huge improvement with her! We knew that she would always have a difficult journey but we were prepared to battle for her however we could....I had no idea that one day I would be sitting here writing this with such a heavy heart. But God did.
           So fast forward 11 years and countless victories later and we get to the first seizure. Something happened mentally for Kari at that moment. Something triggered in her brain and she could not deal with her emotions. I have heard it is because she reverts back to those moments when she was abused and abandoned in her mind as a child. I have heard that she takes it out on me because we are a "safe place" for to do so. I honestly don't know. I know it has broken my heart to not have her here living with me. I know that the moments that we have lost as she finishes up her childhood will never be recovered. I know that she is still terribly angry and still wants to hurt JT and I. Many times, I feel like mentally I may crumble because my brain just can't figure it all out anymore...the whys, the how to do betters, the how comes....

           My husband is in a rehab. My daughter is in a mental institution and may never get out. I have no income for my family. Every day I am talking with my daughters about birth parents, where they came from and what caused them to be in our home. We sort through the emotions every single day that come from being picked up as a young child and brought into a home where you knew no one and was expected to just live. Their hearts were broken and fear crept in and we deal with those insecurities every. single. day. They each reveal them in different measures whether it is hurtful words, laughing and making jokes, or lack of bonding because to let anyone close to your true heart would result in more pain because you have never truly dealt with your issues....and I feel so inadequate. I don't know how God could possibly think that I would be able to help them or give them any wisdom whatsoever. I am wondering what He was thinking...and before when those thought would come, so would the peace. But honestly my friends...lately...that peace has been very elusive to me. I have begged for it. I have pleaded with God....but there seems to be silence.
              I know that God is still faithful. I know that God loves us and pursues us. I believe these things and I stand on them even when I don't "feel" them. But it is HARD SOMETIMES! I want my faith to grow and be strengthened by all the things He is asking me to walk through. I want to draw close to His heart and be able to stand bravely and mightily before the trials and attacks that come....but what if I can't? What if the battle has been so great for all these years that I have gotten wounded spiritually. What if I need time to go and recover form those wounds....and what if I am expected to keep fighting wounded. It hurts. It is painful and so many times I just don't think I can swing one more time. But the battle will not let up. No matter the wounds. No matter the weariness. And so today, that is where I am at. I know it is not my usual blog full of hope...but today....sigh....I just want to be honest with you guys. Today I am worn.
My emotions.
My mind.
My physical body.
My spirit....
Worn.
        God promises me that tomorrow will be a new day and I believe Him. He promises me that joy will come in the morning and I believe Him. I will serve Him no matter what because I have seen and tasted His love and it has me completely devoted to Him. I will keep walking forward but today my steps are heavy and my legs are unsure beneath me. They may crumble, but even then I will crawl forward. I may have to battle from my knees with tears pouring down my face....but I will keep battling...even if all I can do is say," Jesus" over and over and over again. Until next time my friends....continue the battle.