Oops, I did it again, well almost…..another chapter from JT

            Hey friends, as you probably don’t know I am headed to a different rehab today.  It’s called Rob’s Ranch.  It is in Purcell, OK.  It is a 90 day program, and I have fought hard to not go here…… As you know, well if you have read the previous blogs, I had a great rehab stint at the Right Step in Euless, TX.  We got into some real issues that I am dealing with and we made some real progress.  I knew that I needed more help when I left there, and was told that Rob’s Ranch was the place to go.  As you may also know, I didn’t go there.  I made a plan, I figured out something else….I went somewhere else.  Now I had a bunch of people giving me advice, and in my expanded knowledge (hang in there……I saw your eyes roll) I went somewhere else.  Almost immediately it was clear that my choice was not a good one.  I was certain that my plan was destined to fail.  So I did what you are supposed to do when that happens and I pulled the plug.  I talked to my team, I talked to Brandi, I talked to our parents, I talked to everyone that I knew who was knowledgeable about addiction, marriage, family, and Godliness.  I made another plan.  I decided that since I was obviously further along than these rehab places expected (again, with the eyeroll??) that I was certain that I could just stay home.  I have a loving wife, I can make my own treatment plan, I have a great team, I can do this……sound familiar?? It was very familiar.  It is what “I” do, and I have always done.  Make the plan, and then find someone to support it.  Shop my plan, make some minor tweaks, until no one can put holes in it.  I was almost there, a couple of days at home and I would have been ready to just say “darn the torpedoes, let’s do this at home!!”.  As many of you know I have been struggling with my identity in Christ.  I have allowed my arrogance and independence to be in the way of His Voice, and His Will.  I wanted to stay home.  I do not want to be gone for 90 days.  There was one question that I could not answer, “What is different now than 10 days ago when I was sure I needed more help?”  I figured it out yesterday, in the most unusual and profound way.  I had ended a conversation that didn’t go well in my “plan” with one of my team members.  But he agreed to talk to one of the other team members who was “OK” with me staying.  Maybe these guys would work out their differences and get on the right side, mine…. One of the things we talk about a lot in rehab is the plan for when you get out, and I was working on that plan.  So I was at a meeting, part of my recovery, and there was some reading and sharing going on.  I was hit with a couple of things that were written in our book.  “When I say ‘No! Never will I let go of anything’ then I am limiting the Grace of God”, so….does this apply to me? Like when I say 90 days is always too much? Or when I say I never need this rehab? Well maybe, but I am pretty smart, and rehab will always be there…..I can go anytime, right??  As I pondered these things, another quote jumped off the page at me.  “Delay is dangerous, but rebellion may be fatal”  Hmmmm, I have talked a lot about my avoidance of my addictions and have said a million times that walking back down the road toward my addictions would be just like dying.  I don’t want to die, physically, spiritually, emotionally, ANY WAY POSSIBLE!! I do not want death near me.  But Rebellion?? Am I being rebellious?  As I walked out of the meeting to eat lunch with my bride and we talked about these things.  I had to face the facts.  I made a plan, God was consulted…..not surrendered to.  I made a plan, the pros were consulted.  If we rewind a bit in my life, you will find me lying in a bed in a hospital like institution getting help for problems that I can not control.  Living as an insane person without the ability to control my life.  All of my plans had led me there, and here I was yesterday at 12:30ish facing another plan that I had arrogantly made.  Once again, I tried to outsmart life.  Once again I made myself so good that I merely needed to consult God for his advice, not let Him have control.  I was rebellious.  Rebellion may be fatal.  I don’t want to die.  As usual, God had it worked out, the place I am going has a waiting list, normally.  I am going earlier than they expected.  I have a feeling God is getting me somewhere that I can’t mess up with me. I know that God has already provided for my family even as I sit here and write this....because HE has led me here. I will let Brandi take it from here. God Bless.