JT and I have decided to be very open about this journey we are on and many times I am grateful that we went that way, but there are moments when I think," what have we done?" Why in the world did we decide to let everyone we know in on this? Was it right? Was it wrong? I just let the doubts creep in...it happens the same way for me with JT. Sometimes I get off the phone from talking to him and I feel so confident that God is doing a great and mighty work in his life...just for the next time, or the next hour, I am doubting everything. I am wondering if I will ever be able to believe him again. I am thinking I am crazy to stay on this road...and quite honestly my friends, there are days when divorce seems easier. Leaving and starting over can sound so good sometimes. No betrayal. No hurt. No baggage. No broken heart...of course that sounds good sometimes! But here is where the Holy Spirit grabs my heart every time...I have to stand on TRUTH. Not feelings. Not emotions. Not the past or the future. No, I have to stand on God's TRUTH because it is only through that truth that there is freedom for our family. I know that satan will delight in the destruction of my family. God is far greater than some fallen, disgruntled messenger that knows his days are winding down and so I keep thinking about what GOD can do THROUGH this and WITH this. This is a time when redemption wins! This is a time when JT is learning to surrender himself daily...really minute by minute...to his Lord and King.
I think the Lord continues to show us that there are many, many of you reading this now or sitting beside us in church or walking down the aisles next to us in the store or "looking" the part of the man or woman who loves the Lord...when inside you are struggling to survive every day. The lies and the deceit that you have to cover every day is weighing so heavy on you and it is breaking your heart. You want to be free...but there is such a bondage that you simply can't stop looking, can't stop going, can't stop hiding and lying...and you are feeling desperate. Maybe you are the pastor or the youth pastor, maybe you are the sunday school teacher or the student in the class, you are the husband and wife team that everyone thinks is so amazing, you are the student that everyone looks up to, you are the one who has it all together...and yet your world is falling apart. You are terrified that people will "find out" and reject you forever. You are afraid you will lose everything...you DO NOT have to live like that one. more. day.
There is freedom. There is redemption no matter how far you have gone. Look at the Word of God! I mean really dive into the lives of these people that God chose to write about and use to write His words...they are liars, murderes, they are prostitutes, and adulterers, they are people who hated and people who hid. They are people who ran away. They are people just like us. People who are REDEEMED. I don't think we truly get what that word means! It is becoming one of the most precious words to me because it means that we, in our fallen and broken way, were forgiven. Picked up and brushed off and wrapped in the loving arms of a Father who longs for us to be free. He doesn't want us to constantly live in this fear that we will be rejected if everyone knew the truth! The creator of our world, the King of KINGS, did not come to die for a people who had no sin. He did not become man so that He could be ridiculed and mocked, beaten and murdered for people who were perfect....so why do we feel such a need to pretend? It is because of our society, our "circle of friends", and the lies that we believe. We are told that if we are honest with people, we will lose our jobs, our homes, our families...everything...and I am not going to tell you that that wouldn't happen. It may. JT and our family has lost a tremendous amount because of this...but friends...freedom is worth it! I mean it is really really worth it. The burden that sits on you can go away.
So here is the question that I have been asked a thousand times through this...Why are you choosing to stay with JT after everything he has done to you?
I have thought and thought about this because sometimes I didn't really know! But God has made several things clear to me lately and this is one of them. I am choosing to stay with JT because I believe without one doubt in the redeeming blood of my Lord. I believe that God is changing JT's heart as I see him surrendering his heart, his pride, his all to Jesus. I made a vow to him, a covenant between myself, JT and God, that I would not bail. I would be loyal and stand beside him through joy and sorrow...and yes, this season of our marriage has been full of sorrow, but I am promised that joy comes in the morning! I do not for one second judge or think less of someone who has decided to get a divorce. We need to support and encourage each other to follow Christ and pursue Him with great passion, not tear each other down everytime someone does something that we don't agree with. The decision to stay with JT is mine and I make it with enormous amounts of prayer! I have had many, many talks with God about what I should do, and this is why it is so important to stand on God's truth and not my feelings. I have "felt" hurt and upset, broken and disappointed...but I know that my feelings are so unpredictable. What we have to stand on is God's truth! I believe in JT. I do. I have seen the struggle he has had with these addictions. I have seen him frustrated and disappointed in himself over and over because he kept "failing". I have seen him filled with pride and arrogance and trembled in my spirit because I knew God would not stand for that...and JT had to fall. He had to get to the point where he was ready to surrender and it took this long for him to do so, but now he has. He is.
The other thing I am learning is that I am not responsible for JT's actions, or Kari's actions,or anyone's actions, but I am responsible for how I REACT to what people do to me. I want to respond with grace. I want to respond with gentleness and peace. I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that " I" don't react at all, but the holy Spirit IN me, reacts THROUGH me! God knew I would walk this road...He knew everything that would happen in my life and I want to praise Him through it all! I want to not be afraid to hit my knees or lift up my hands or worship Him with tears flowing down my face....I want to love Him with all that I am. For I know that without Him....sigh....I just cannot imagine what life would be like. I NEED HIM....I truly do. And so do you. You NEED Him to get up in the morning, or to face the day that may be full of sickness and pain. You NEED Him to be able to respond in love when someone has hurt you. You NEED Him to be your strength when you are weary in your soul. You NEED Him to stay with your beloved. You NEED Him to direct you with your children or your parents...we just NEED Him! We were created to need Him...and it is when we FINALLY see that and truly surrender our entire lives to Him that we are at our strongest and bravest! Not because of us....but because of Him. We simply cannot do these things by ourselves. We are not capable. But THROUGH HIM we can do ALL THINGS. I believe every single word of His as complete truth. And I choose to stand on truth.
I still love JT very much and that alone is something that comes from the Holy Spirit because honestly, I had stopped. I just didn't want to love him anymore...it was to hard. I was to hurt and the pain went to deep...I did not see a point of recovery and I really didn't see how I could trust or move on as husband and wife when there was so much betrayal...so I began to pray and ask God to help me fall in love with JT. I asked that I would be drawn to him and be deeply in love with him. God brought me to this amazing book called," Praying for your husband from head to toe." by Sharon Jaynes....it is AMAZING and will totally transform the way you pray for your husband! I began to pray over him piece by piece...I would start with his mind, eyes, and ears. Then I would pray for his mouth, his neck, his shoulders,and his heart. I would pray for his back, his arms, his hands, his ring finger. I would pray for his side, his sexuality, his legs, his knees and his feet. I still pray this for him today. With every part I listed, I have Scripture that God gives me to pray over him that matches that body part. I talk to God about my husband and I give JT to him. Every. Single. Day. And let me just tell you that when you are praying for someone head to toe...it is HARD to not love that person. God began renewing my desire and love for JT. He began to open my eyes to see what God sees in JT. He started showing me so many things about JT that I loved...and He still is. God is taking the brokenness of my heart and replacing it with eternal love. He is taking all my fears and replacing them with divine peace...and that is because of His TRUTH that I am standing on. God's Word is powerful and alive to me...it is a dear friend to me...and it is full of freedom. I just want everyone that is reading this to see that. God does not want you to be in bondage to whatever it is you are struggling with...freedom is there...you just have to trust.
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