Breathless by God

   

        There are times when God just leaves you breathless. He puts people in your life or does something extraordinary and it just leaves you breathless. I have had many of those moments as I walk this journey....

      Earlier this week, I was hanging on to my faith as the doubt kept trying to creep in. I have three things that I like to do when I am stressed out. 1 is to work out. 2 is to write. 3 is to work outside in the garden or with animals. Well....after the week I have had, I have done all three in one day:) It has just been that kind of a week....but the other day I was out there pulling those weeds and talking to God. I was reminding myself of WHO I AM IN CHRIST...because I seem to forget this alot....and I was reminding myself that God has promised to take care of the girls and I. I was crying because I want my faith to get to the point that no matter what I have to face, I just automatically believe what God says. And it frustrates me that I still let doubt and fear creep in after all that God has done for us so far. He is truly giving the girls and I manna every day and yet when it looks like the manna may run out to me, I instantly feel that old fear creep in...and so I was out there pulling those weeds and telling my spirit," You either believe or you don't." " You either trust God with everything, or nothing at all." and my phone rang. It was some dear friends that use to be Sunday school teachers of mine. They asked if they could come visit me and soon showed up to sit on the front porch and just talk. It was so refreshing for my soul to sit with these dear friends and just talk and listen. They offered encouragement and just in them being there to walk this journey with me meant so much. I cried alot as I sat there and talked with them but each tear was less weight I was bearing that day and when they left they gave me an envelope with more manna in it. But friends, this is the best part....they gathered around me and prayed over me....sigh....I cannot tell you what prayer does to my spirit. It is a physical reaction I have to a spiritual thing. Prayer is one of my most favorite means of communication....because it is when souls talk to each other. These beautiful people who use to pray over me when I was a young teenager, are now praying over me as I sit here as a wife and a mother....it is just mind blowing how God works! He knew all those years ago when I first met them, that this day would come. He knew that they would be sitting on my front porch pouring prayer over me like a balm. Doesn't His love for us just leave you completely breathless? 

      Here is one of the things I am learning through this....God is working even when we can't see that work. My pastor has been speaking on how God is with us on Sunday and last Sunday he said several things that I just had to write down and I have been going back over them...this is one of them," It is not about my ability, it is about the Presence of God." He also said," I don't need to figure out how to get out of this battle, but instead just need to be still and follow." Wow....See why those words penetrated into my heart?! Do you know how many times I have looked around me and tried to figure out how to get out of this battle? What could I do to make it all stop?...but this time I am learning to have a totally different attitude....instead of trying to figure out how to get out of the battle, I am just following Christ THROUGH the battle because He promises me that I am not alone, never forsaken, and that He is GREATER than the one we are battling! When all I see around me is the chaos and trouble, it is because I have taken my eyes off of Jesus...because when my eyes are fixed on Him and I keep staring straight ahead into His eyes, when I stay focused on HIS TRUTH and not the enemies lies, I hardly notice the chaos and trouble. It becomes something that I makes me lean into the Father's heart so I don't pray the battle away, I pray I grow and learn from the battle. I feel my Father's heart beating steady and strong . I hear His voice calling my name. I see His hands ever before me. And I stop looking for away out of the battle. I just be quiet and follow...

         I see His hand in all of this. I see the people that He brought into my life as a little girl who have been faithful and true friends for this moment. When I had no idea that one day I would walk this journey, He did. And He provided for it long before I ever knew....breathless....that is what He leaves me. Breathless to know more. Breathless to see more. Breathless to be a part of this journey...is it difficult? Yes. It is. But without this journey, JT and I would not be learning about our faith or about the heart of our King! It is BECAUSE of this journey, that I am able to fall even more in love with Jesus, with the Holy Spirit as He leads me, and with God who is my provider every day. I am in awe of Him my friends...completely breathless with who He is. If I have to walk through difficult journey's to learn more of His heart, than I may never walk anything but those journeys. I pray my eyes will stay fixed on Him and that I will just be still and follow....

        

What is beautiful ashes of grace?

                         My blog is titled beautiful ashes of grace....so what exactly does that mean?

      It means that God takes all the ugliness and hurt of life and creates beauty out of it. He takes the pain we feel and the tears we cry and He creates strength and faith out of them. God takes the loneliness we feel and our fear that threatens to overwhelm us and He creates a kinship with others who have walked a similar journey. He gives us friendships that we would never have known had we not have walked through that pain. He gives us hope when all hope is lost. He reaches down past the pain-soaked tears and brokenness we feel and He touches our heart with His love and peace. We begin to see the rainbow through the flood. 

      God is a Father who hurts when His children hurt. He see every difficult step we take, every heavy sigh we give and He walks through it with us. He never leaves us alone even when we try to get away from Him. He is always pursuing, always protecting, always loving....and He is ALWAYS faithful. That is something that we can always count on...His faithfulness. Many times I have believed the lie that God doesn't really want good things for me and I see now, just how deceiving that lie can be...and how dangerous. For when I don't believe that God loves me or that He wants good for me, I quit trusting Him. And when I quit trusting Him, my feet begin to sink beneath the waves....

        I am learning more every day about what it means to have faith and to just trust Him. He has allowed us to be in this position where the girls and I have two choices...Trust that He will provide for us, or walk out on our own....I know that for us, the only way is trusting Him...as hard as it is. I know that I am learning a great deal about His love, His grace, and His provision and if I hadn't walked this, I don't believe I would have grabbed on to that faith with everything in me and held on with everything I am. 

       Searching His Word and seeing time after time when the situation looked so hopeless...Joseph sold by his own brothers, Daniel tossed into a den of killer lions, Jonah swallowed by a fish, Ruth left alone with no one to take care of her, the stories go on and on....and if we were walking their paths, we would feel that hopelessness....but it came down to those two choices for them too...and they chose faith. They chose to follow the One who held their heart. And not once did God fail them...not in a den of lions, or fiery furnace, or a belly of a fish, or in despair and loneliness. 

       How can I look back on all that I have already walked through and how I have seen God's grace and goodness in my life....how I can I look at that and then walk away? I cannot. Even though I don't like the situation or the choices that got us here, I KNOW that God has a purpose and a plan and that we haven't stopped it although we may have taken a slightly more difficult way there;) I know this because I can already see good coming from it.

      I am learning to physically show my children how God provides for us...not daddy, or me....but God Himself by laying our family on people's hearts. I am learning to read God's Word as a living breath of life for me. I am learning to bow my knees and open my hands in surrender to a God who pours out His blessings to us freely. I am learning to face my fears head on because God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind! I am learning to see all these ashes around me...my marriage, my daughter, my relationship with my children, my finances, my heart...and have this completely amazing and beautiful peace because I see Him taking these ashes and creating this beautiful picture. I have been given glimpses of this picture as it is coming together and it is so beautiful! 

           So let the fire come. Let the ashes swirl around me...it will be ok. I may cry as I square my shoulders and fall to my knees....because I am also learning that that is where I am strongest. I am learning to be in this perpetual state of on my knees:) The fear and anxiety that use to come with the problems, are coming less and less because God just keeps pouring out His grace. And I am learning how to be a warrior.....

Being an addict's wife:

What is it like to be the wife of an addict?....I never thought I would be able to answer that question but here I am. When you are an addict, it does not just affect you. It affects everyone you come in contact with and try to build a relationship with. JT's addictions have affected our marriage, our children, our finances, and our future. When you are an addict, you can think of only one thing...you. It consumes you. And that leaves your spouse to fight alone. So....what is like to be the wife of an addict? Well...it's lonely. It's hard. It's filled with pain. So many times you wonder what YOU did wrong. Was it because you weren't pretty enough? Maybe if you had just been more persistent, less persistent...maybe if you had been firmer...or gentler....You question everything. You think that if you were just "spiritual" enough, your prayers could fix him. If your faith was stronger, if your body was prettier, if YOU were different...but I am learning that it actually has nothing to do with me or the girls or anyone else. It has to do with JT. It has to do with something inside of his heart that is broken. And no one can fix that except him.
      When you are an addicts wife, you feel like you need to try harder for your children because you are afraid that this may damage them forever. When you are an addicts wife, you try to hide or cover up things so that people won't think badly of him...or you. You get to a point where you just lose yourself because those addictions dominate everything. Your time. Your plans. Your dreams. Your everything. You know that they are constantly thinking about how they can do those addictive things and so the time they spend with you does not feel special or valued at all...it is always distracted and preoccupied thinking about those addictions.
     Some people may wonder why JT and I have taken such drastic steps and they may not understand just how deadly these addictions have gotten. That's ok. It is so hard to truly understand things that you have not walked them yourself. But as we walk this and I learn more and more about these addictions that he has struggled with since he was a teenager, it is very clear to me that we are taking the right steps. Not necessarily the easiest steps...but the right ones never the less....Jt being gone for 90 more days is not a decision we made lightly. I struggled with it in a physical way for days...torn and broken over not knowing what to do! I was so afraid that we would make the wrong decision and it would cost us everything. Because quite honestly I never want to walk this road again...ever. I want this to be the ONE time and JT's heart is changed forever more. So we struggled....we talked, we prayed, we sought wisdom from people who have walked this road ahead of us and those who had great spiritual discretion....and I could not find the peace. My heart was physically hurting, my headaches were back with a terrible vengeance and the tears just kept flowing. Now you would think with all that happening, the choice would be easy for JT to go for 90 more days...but friends, I love my husband. I love him very much and through all this God continues to grow that love and I miss him when he is not here with me. The girls love their daddy very much and they miss him, The thought of him being away until December just made me sick. Satan threw every doubt my way...how would we live? How would I parent alone again? What if something happened to the girls or I? Who would get the house ready for winter when the freeze comes? What if he stopped loving me? What if he saw this as a way to be free from us? The questions just bogged me down with confusion and sorrow and frustration.
       So when I drove JT to his AA meeting in Edmond on Wed. afternoon, I sat in the car and cried my eyes out. I begged God to make this work...please let him be able to stay home and work the program from there. I thought of how many men and women struggle with addictions but DO NOT go into rehab for this long. I asked God to bring us a car for JT so that I wouldn't have to drive him to every meeting. I asked God to bring me some peace about this! And while he was sitting in that meeting, I didn't know that God was working on his heart in much the same way...I just knew that I was desperate for answers. And then I checked my messages and seen that I had missed a call from Rob's Ranch and they were calling to tell us that had a bed open for JT the very next day if we were ready. When I listened to that message, I just felt instant peace. The Holy Spirit rushed over me and I heard Him very clearly say that He did not provide a car, He provided a bed at Rob's Ranch and that I knew JT was not ready for this yet, that JT still had work to do. And there was peace. I thought," when JT comes out of this meeting I am going to have to tell him that I think he should go to Rob's Ranch." and I wasn't sure how he would respond. I know that he misses the girls and I and he had said over and over that he can do this from home now...
        JT came out and got in the car and I asked him how it went. He asked me to wait until we went to eat before we talked about the meeting. When we got inside the restaurant, I asked him again how the meeting went and he took out his notebook and read me a quote from it and said that he felt like he was still being rebellious and still hanging on to some pride and that he felt like he should go to Rob's Ranch...I just cried. I told him I was feeling the same way and we had such peace...together....for the first time in a long time. We were both on the same page!
        So even though you may not understand it, please believe me when I say that this is the right thing for JT right now. God still has much to teach him about surrendering and understanding his addictions. He is learning to listen and obey the Holy Spirit...and this was one of the first times in his life that he truly felt like HE was obeying...not following someone else who was obeying, not pretending to obey, but that HE was actually hearing the Holy Spirit and was willing to follow that calling. This is HUGE friends!! God IS working in JT's life! God DOES have a great purpose for him and for our marriage.
        So what is it like to be an addicts wife? Well, for me....it is about growing in my faith. Every morning I wake up and reminded that God is the one who will take care of me today. I talk to the girls about how much Christ loves us and how He is providing for our every need. How GOOD He is to our family. Our daily needs are not just being met, but people have given gift cards to restaurants so that the girls and I can go out to eat once in awhile. We have little things that people give to us that shows us in such a physical way that God always goes above and beyond for our family! This is because He loves us. He sees us and hears our cries. He is right here with us and that is so humbling! I have said before and I will keep saying," I love my Christ family!" I feel such a deep kinship with my family...those who are here and those who are in Heaven rooting for us. I know that there is a MUCH bigger plan that what I see. I know that God has many things for me to learn about faith and the depths of His love for us.
       Many times we walk through such tough things in life and we feel alone. But we are not my friends. We are NEVER alone. We must believe this! God PROMISES us that He will NEVER leave us and He NEVER breaks His word. We may not understand why we have to walk these difficult roads sometimes. We may question our ability to be able to make it through them. We may cry all day sometimes and sing the next...but we are never alone. Not through one step of it.
        I have my bad days. Days of doubt. But I am learning that in those moments, to just simply go to God and ask Him to help me. I read His beautiful Words in the Bible and the hope always comes....always. God is FULL of HOPE. He doesn't guard His hope and only pour it out on those "worthy" enough for it. He gives it to me when I sleep. He gives it to me when I am driving. He listens to me cry, He wipes those tears and He holds me and speaks His truth over my heart through His Word. I speak His Word out loud all day long now:) Because like my little 3 year old says," mommy, there is power in our prayers!"....yes there is!!
       I am looking forward to what God has in store for our family as we just keep walking forward...step by step...Phil.3:12-14 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
            Thank you for walking this journey with us...I wish there was a way to let you all know just how much you mean to me. I love each of you dearly and am so blessed to have you walk this road with us...please keep praying. 

Oops, I did it again, well almost…..another chapter from JT

            Hey friends, as you probably don’t know I am headed to a different rehab today.  It’s called Rob’s Ranch.  It is in Purcell, OK.  It is a 90 day program, and I have fought hard to not go here…… As you know, well if you have read the previous blogs, I had a great rehab stint at the Right Step in Euless, TX.  We got into some real issues that I am dealing with and we made some real progress.  I knew that I needed more help when I left there, and was told that Rob’s Ranch was the place to go.  As you may also know, I didn’t go there.  I made a plan, I figured out something else….I went somewhere else.  Now I had a bunch of people giving me advice, and in my expanded knowledge (hang in there……I saw your eyes roll) I went somewhere else.  Almost immediately it was clear that my choice was not a good one.  I was certain that my plan was destined to fail.  So I did what you are supposed to do when that happens and I pulled the plug.  I talked to my team, I talked to Brandi, I talked to our parents, I talked to everyone that I knew who was knowledgeable about addiction, marriage, family, and Godliness.  I made another plan.  I decided that since I was obviously further along than these rehab places expected (again, with the eyeroll??) that I was certain that I could just stay home.  I have a loving wife, I can make my own treatment plan, I have a great team, I can do this……sound familiar?? It was very familiar.  It is what “I” do, and I have always done.  Make the plan, and then find someone to support it.  Shop my plan, make some minor tweaks, until no one can put holes in it.  I was almost there, a couple of days at home and I would have been ready to just say “darn the torpedoes, let’s do this at home!!”.  As many of you know I have been struggling with my identity in Christ.  I have allowed my arrogance and independence to be in the way of His Voice, and His Will.  I wanted to stay home.  I do not want to be gone for 90 days.  There was one question that I could not answer, “What is different now than 10 days ago when I was sure I needed more help?”  I figured it out yesterday, in the most unusual and profound way.  I had ended a conversation that didn’t go well in my “plan” with one of my team members.  But he agreed to talk to one of the other team members who was “OK” with me staying.  Maybe these guys would work out their differences and get on the right side, mine…. One of the things we talk about a lot in rehab is the plan for when you get out, and I was working on that plan.  So I was at a meeting, part of my recovery, and there was some reading and sharing going on.  I was hit with a couple of things that were written in our book.  “When I say ‘No! Never will I let go of anything’ then I am limiting the Grace of God”, so….does this apply to me? Like when I say 90 days is always too much? Or when I say I never need this rehab? Well maybe, but I am pretty smart, and rehab will always be there…..I can go anytime, right??  As I pondered these things, another quote jumped off the page at me.  “Delay is dangerous, but rebellion may be fatal”  Hmmmm, I have talked a lot about my avoidance of my addictions and have said a million times that walking back down the road toward my addictions would be just like dying.  I don’t want to die, physically, spiritually, emotionally, ANY WAY POSSIBLE!! I do not want death near me.  But Rebellion?? Am I being rebellious?  As I walked out of the meeting to eat lunch with my bride and we talked about these things.  I had to face the facts.  I made a plan, God was consulted…..not surrendered to.  I made a plan, the pros were consulted.  If we rewind a bit in my life, you will find me lying in a bed in a hospital like institution getting help for problems that I can not control.  Living as an insane person without the ability to control my life.  All of my plans had led me there, and here I was yesterday at 12:30ish facing another plan that I had arrogantly made.  Once again, I tried to outsmart life.  Once again I made myself so good that I merely needed to consult God for his advice, not let Him have control.  I was rebellious.  Rebellion may be fatal.  I don’t want to die.  As usual, God had it worked out, the place I am going has a waiting list, normally.  I am going earlier than they expected.  I have a feeling God is getting me somewhere that I can’t mess up with me. I know that God has already provided for my family even as I sit here and write this....because HE has led me here. I will let Brandi take it from here. God Bless.

complaining instead of worshiping:

     

                My last blog was tired. It was honest. It was from my heart....it was also a bit whiny. I read it over and over again and each time I thought you sound like you are complaining....and I guess I was. My heart was so overwhelmed and weary that once I began writing, all that just spilled over onto the paper. I don't want to complain. I am trying to balance this out where I am able to share my heart and the hurt of each step along with the victories of each journey. So the last blog was my sadness...this one will be counting my blessings.
        God has given me six beautiful daughters. I always prayed for boys growing up because I was such a tom boy that I never wanted girls...and God gave me six daughters. Because He is just funny like that. I cherish each one of them. Each of them are a gift to me. Each of them have been given great gifts that God is developing into making them powerful warriors. I see the leadership in Gracie, I see great compassion in Mercy, I see Chyanne's love of giving to people, I see Searra's great spiritual insight, and Whitney's tenderness toward the orphans, and Kari's desire to not give up.
        I have been given a husband who is seeking more than ever. He is knocking, seeking, asking, searching for truth in God's Word and desiring to be a man after God's Heart. He loves his daughters and wants to be a better dad for them. He is braver than most men I know and willing to totally put himself out there to truly conquer this and move forward in God's plan for his life.
        I have a home that keeps our family warm and cool. It is filled with dancing, singing, laughing, crafting. It is filled with His love and His presence.
        I live out in the country where my heart is soothed every time I walk outside. I can sit on my front porch and look over the pasture to see horses grazing. I live close to my parents and my brother and sister in law who I know will help me anytime I need it. I have some of the best neighbors in the world. My girls have been given beautiful friendships that encourage and support them daily.
       I have a car and gas for that car. I have food for my family. I have a piano that I can sit at and pour out my heart to God through songs and music. I am able to sit and read God's Word anytime of the day that I want to. It is on my phone, my computer, and in my home. Right now....many people do not have that beautiful gift. I do not worry about someone coming into my home and hurting the girls and I because of our religion, some do right now.
       I am a family of a church that has taken our family and loved them when we were pretty unlovable. They have prayed over us, supported us, given us direction, worshiped with us, come to our rescue more than once in an emergency, and they have just been Jesus to us. I never that I would find another church where I truly felt like I was home, but God knew exactly the road that we would walk and the church that we needed to walk with us and He lead us to Vintage. There are no words to describe how much I love the people that make up our church.
        God has put some amazing spiritual advisers in my life...people like Chuck Robinson, Larry Nelson, Darrell and Sherry Haley, my mom and dad, Mark Aduddell, MaryJane Bascom,Tracey Fronko, and so many others....I have even more friends than one could ever deserve. Friends that have stood by JT and I through all of this. Friends that have come over to our house in an emergency with Kari, or came up to the hospital as we were dealing with a foster baby, friends that have met me for supper and prayed over me and friends who have called and checked in with the girls and I and left no room for us to think that we were ever alone.
        I want to worship Christ through all this. I want to raise my hands, no matter how heavy my heart may be, and I want to worship. I want people to see that there is NO WAY to live this life WITHOUT Christ! I do want to be honest with people and let them know that we don't always feel "happy" or "joyful" but even then...we can still worship. I want people to see every struggle we walk so that they too can know they are not alone because we ALL walk difficult roads...we just do. We live in a fallen world and until we get to go home, life will be difficult here. It is promised in the Word the same as it is promised that He will NEVER leave us or forsake us.
     SO dear friends, forgive me for my complaining. I must focus on Hope because I know that is the thing that satan wants to destroy the most from me. I must guard that hope with everything. I must seek out His Word and say it out loud over and over again. So if you see me walking through the store, or driving in my car, and I appear to be talking to myself...just know that I am speaking truth out loud! :) I will dig my heels in and square my shoulders and pick up my weapons and fight. I will not go down easily...maybe that is why the fight is so intense. Maybe satan knows that. But I know that it is not me fighting...it is the Holy Spirit IN me fighting and He is GREATER than satan on every account. I will remind myself that satan is a fallen messenger who is angry and scared because even he doesn't want to go to hell! I will stand firm on truth.
           I cannot promise that I will not write another blog that sounds more like complaining than worshipping...I want to be honest as I go through this journey. But please know that God is the One who speaks over me. He is the One who gives me the strength each new day to get up, get out of bed, and go through the day praising. He is the One who wipes my tears away as they pour out of my eyes and it is He who is the One who has already called us victors in this battle. He has already declared us to be redeemed. What an amazing thing that is! When all else fails, fall on your knees....right? So on THIS day, I will take a deep breath...I will stop, just for a moment...and I will cherish everything I hear. Each raindrop. Each gentle blow of the wind. I will cherish each laugh and each tear. I will sing. I will dance. I will drink my tea and read a good book. I will sit and play the piano and sing as loud as I want...and I will just be. I will trust that God is here....He is listening. And that right now, at this very moment as I write these words...there are angels standing guard over the girls and I. They are protecting and battling on our behalf. God is good. He is beautiful. He is faithful and true. He just is.

I'm worn.

                There is a song out there called," Worn." by Tenth Avenue North. It has spoken to my heart many times before but even more so lately. I do feel worn many times lately. I feel darn tired. I have thought alot about the lyrics of this song and why they speak to my heart so much. I think it is because they give me the freedom to say," I'm Worn." So many times we are afraid to tell someone that we are not feeling well or that we are just plumb emotionally exhausted and we do the ever annoying," How are you?" which will get the ever quick,"I'm fine."....when in fact we may be dying inside or ready to give up or just need to cry. We may be hanging on a by a thread and would completely fall apart if someone stopped long enough to say," no. How is your heart doing today?"....I have found myself so guilty of this and I want to stop. I want people to tell me the truth about how they are doing, not what they think I want to hear or what is the easiest thing to say. I want to be able to respond to people when they ask me, with truth and honesty but that is a heck of alot harder than you think! So I am going to write this blog in the most honest way I can right now about something that is very, very heavy. I completely understand if you don't want to read it or need to move on to something a little lighter...this is just where I am.
             I haven't written about my daughter Kari in quite some time. I have many reasons but the top reason is that it is very painful for me to talk about. I have so much going on with JT and I right now that many times I think the last thing people want to hear about is another problem from Brandi's life:) But Kari needs our prayers. Kari is in a very dark place. Kari needs us to battle for her because right now she is to weak to battle for herself.
           I have not seen or spoken to Kari since she tried to kill me in the beginning of August. I miss her voice. I miss seeing her and talking with her. My heart aches in a physical way because she is my daughter and I long for her to be with me. It is not safe for me to see her or talk to her right now and that is so hard! I have tried to talk to her on the phone which resulted in the phone call being terminated quickly because of Kari wanting to kill me. I have asked to see her but she still tells the counselor that she will hurt me if she sees me. My parents go up every week for family counseling so that at least someone in our family can see her and lay eyes on her to make sure she is ok. They try to talk to her about me, and it always comes back to her wanting to hurt me. Even now those words cut me deeply. It takes me back to when I first met Kari....
          Kari was born as my niece. She was born early and was the tiniest of things. I was still in high school and went with my parents to visit her. I remember holding her and being filled with a deep love for her. I began to pray for her daily. Kari would come to visit my parents and her and I always had this sweet bond. And then I got married and moved into my home and Kari would come to visit her "Aunt Brandi and Uncle T"....and then when she was five she came to stay for the summer...which turned out to be for life. We had been married for just at a year when Kari was officially adopted by JT and I. I loved being her mom. It was something that I took great delight in!
           Kari always had serious problems mentally and physically but I worked really hard with her and her therapist and we started seeing a huge improvement with her! We knew that she would always have a difficult journey but we were prepared to battle for her however we could....I had no idea that one day I would be sitting here writing this with such a heavy heart. But God did.
           So fast forward 11 years and countless victories later and we get to the first seizure. Something happened mentally for Kari at that moment. Something triggered in her brain and she could not deal with her emotions. I have heard it is because she reverts back to those moments when she was abused and abandoned in her mind as a child. I have heard that she takes it out on me because we are a "safe place" for to do so. I honestly don't know. I know it has broken my heart to not have her here living with me. I know that the moments that we have lost as she finishes up her childhood will never be recovered. I know that she is still terribly angry and still wants to hurt JT and I. Many times, I feel like mentally I may crumble because my brain just can't figure it all out anymore...the whys, the how to do betters, the how comes....

           My husband is in a rehab. My daughter is in a mental institution and may never get out. I have no income for my family. Every day I am talking with my daughters about birth parents, where they came from and what caused them to be in our home. We sort through the emotions every single day that come from being picked up as a young child and brought into a home where you knew no one and was expected to just live. Their hearts were broken and fear crept in and we deal with those insecurities every. single. day. They each reveal them in different measures whether it is hurtful words, laughing and making jokes, or lack of bonding because to let anyone close to your true heart would result in more pain because you have never truly dealt with your issues....and I feel so inadequate. I don't know how God could possibly think that I would be able to help them or give them any wisdom whatsoever. I am wondering what He was thinking...and before when those thought would come, so would the peace. But honestly my friends...lately...that peace has been very elusive to me. I have begged for it. I have pleaded with God....but there seems to be silence.
              I know that God is still faithful. I know that God loves us and pursues us. I believe these things and I stand on them even when I don't "feel" them. But it is HARD SOMETIMES! I want my faith to grow and be strengthened by all the things He is asking me to walk through. I want to draw close to His heart and be able to stand bravely and mightily before the trials and attacks that come....but what if I can't? What if the battle has been so great for all these years that I have gotten wounded spiritually. What if I need time to go and recover form those wounds....and what if I am expected to keep fighting wounded. It hurts. It is painful and so many times I just don't think I can swing one more time. But the battle will not let up. No matter the wounds. No matter the weariness. And so today, that is where I am at. I know it is not my usual blog full of hope...but today....sigh....I just want to be honest with you guys. Today I am worn.
My emotions.
My mind.
My physical body.
My spirit....
Worn.
        God promises me that tomorrow will be a new day and I believe Him. He promises me that joy will come in the morning and I believe Him. I will serve Him no matter what because I have seen and tasted His love and it has me completely devoted to Him. I will keep walking forward but today my steps are heavy and my legs are unsure beneath me. They may crumble, but even then I will crawl forward. I may have to battle from my knees with tears pouring down my face....but I will keep battling...even if all I can do is say," Jesus" over and over and over again. Until next time my friends....continue the battle.

   

When the wounded fight...

Have you ever gotten a sticker in your foot or stepped on a nail and then tried to walk with it still in there? You know that feeling when your leg goes to sleep and you try to stand on it and you simply can't without alot of pain? You have to wait for the pain to stop before you can walk right but until then you kind of hobble 

around praying for it to stop.

         I am learning that is exactly how JT has felt for the last 20 years. He has been hobbling around trying to fight, swinging his sword every once in awhile, but all the while he was in this terrible pain. I know the analogy is a bad one but hopefully you can see my point:) JT and I spent an enormous time talking this weekend before he left and one thing that he kept saying was that his addictions are death to him. They are not just something he "struggles" with but they are actually DEATH for him. They were leading him down a road of utter destruction and even when he dug in his heels and tried so hard to stop....he couldn't. It was as though his addictions were in control of him which I guess is the very definition of an addict. He told me how many times after engaging in his addictive behavior he would cry out to God and plead with Him to not let it happen again....but it did. He and I both are still learning about why that happens...but one thing we have learned is that at some point the addiction becomes a disease and it slowly starts killing you, filling you with shame and brokenness. It can become something that your body physically or emotionally NEEDS to survive....now I believe that is a spiritual thing because I believe that satan wants to destroy JT and I. Many of you may disagree and that is ok, but I still believe. I believe that satan gets what the Bible calls a "stronghold" and he refuses to let go. Now JT may have invited that in and fed it for quite awhile before he realized that it controlled him now.
          But one of the greatest things I have ever read is this verse: 2 Corinthians 10:4 which says," The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds." JT has just never known how to use his weapons....or how to fight...or how to surrender to Christ. When you view things from a war perspective it changes the way you view them...when we have a war, you have to have someone in charge. Spiritually speaking Christ is in charge of this war we wage, He gives us the weapons, and the Holy Spirit to teach us how to use them...but until WE start listening, learning and fighting: the enemy wins. We have to surrender OUR will for His will, OUR way for HIS way, OUR plans for HIS plans, and OUR weapons for HIS....and we can't do that unless we are taught how. It doesn't just magically happen. As we walk this journey together I am able to see more than ever the people that God put in my life even as a little bitty girl, that taught me how to use my weapons and continue to teach me daily how to be a warrior for Christ. It humbles my heart and makes me eternally grateful for those people who have poured into me for so many years. People who continue to teach me how to pray, how to love God's Word and pursue it, how to forgive, how to be bold....all the things I still need to learn!
           JT is seeing that God put these people in his life all along but he never saw them until just recently. Doesn't that make you stop for a minute and think about your own life? How many people has God put in your life to help you through something so difficult, or to teach you how to grow closer to His heart and we just NEVER SAW THEM. We are so consumed with our "situation", or we are holding on to that anger, bitterness, hurt, pain with everything in us and if we were to be honest, we didn't really want to let it go just yet...and so we just sit in our hurt and pain. JT has said that he wishes so badly that someone would have set him down long ago and told him they saw him going down the wrong road and give him help...so I asked him if they had, would he have taken it. He said no. He said that maybe someone had and he just never heard them. That got me thinking of course....why? I'm still figuring it out, but I think we all have moments in our lives where we get to choose which road we go down...the broad or the narrow. 

          And that leads me back to the title of this blog...when the wounded fight. There are times when we have to go heal before we can battle anymore. We have to fix what is broken before we can conquer. JT has to go and be healed...no more wounds...so that he can come home and pick up his weapons and fight. He is just now learning how wounded he is...and that it may be a very long healing ahead....but he wants the healing. Not to save our marriage, or be with the girls but to BE HEALED! 
            Now, I have to be careful here, because I am in no way speaking for JT. You need to hear HIS words, and HIS heart to know where he is at...these are my words from my heart after I have spent the weekend with him. I am relaying what he has shared with me....and that I see a wounded warrior. 
             This whole entire thing has made me look at what I believe about alot of things....like can a Christian become an addict? Can a believer of Christ fall into addictive behavior? What do I believe about divorce? What do I believe about boundaries? How much of this is Spiritual Warfare? What does God see when He looks at JT? I have had to and continue to have to really search my beliefs and my heart. It has not been easy. Many times, it has taken my breathe away because it hurts so bad. It has caused me to cry more than I ever have before and for those of you who know me, you know that is some serious crying!:) It has caused me to search out the Scriptures and then decide if I believe them. It has caused me to be COMPLETELY RELIANT UPON GOD for our families food, gas, bills being paid. It has caused me to search my faith to see if I had any at all:) It has caused me to search out whether I really love JT....it has and is teaching me many many things about myself and who Christ is in me. It is causing me to fall more in love with Christ than ever before. So I am learning to be thankful for this journey and that is something I never thought I would be! I want to know Christ more intimately and I have often said," whatever it takes for me to draw closer to You Lord"....but I simply had no idea! 
           God is teaching me that He doesn't ever leave us wounded. He doesn't ever see us broken and walk away. Matthew 12:20 says," A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he has brought justice through to victory." Our worship leader brought this verse to my attention on Sunday and I heard the Holy Spirit speak through it over me. God wants us to be healed...and He longs for us to be complete in Him! It breaks His heart to see you wounded and struggling for each breath for each day...Please don't think you have to do it alone. You don't. Please don't think God doesn't care, He does. He is so passionate about taking care of you and  healing your broken hearts and all your hurts. He doesn't want us to fight wounded anymore....

:

A chapter from the Wounded. Yep, I let JT have the keyboard......

Hey Guys, 

Ok, so most of you know I have been gone for a bit.  In rehab....it makes me sad to just type those words "in rehab".  In rehab I was met with a most distressing cast of characters.  I heard more "f" bombs in a few minutes than I normally heard in months, I was introduced to "leaders" who had shot heroin and were hiding from warrants.  I met people who didn't want help.  I was  convinced that I didn't belong, just put my head down, get through the process, try to patch things up at home and just get done.  Whatever done meant to me.  Sure there were some "actions" that I needed help controlling, and there was probably something underlying those that was painful and hurt.  But I didn't really have to deal with all of that, I just needed this guy.....some counselor I had never met.....to believe I was better, and then it would be off to home and a wife who puts up with anything and a ready made family that I had built.  So convince one guy....so why all the drug addicts, heroin shooters, meth heads, speed junkies, alcoholics,.....losers, why was I here with them?  Didn't they know who I was? I am a Father, partner, teacher, theologian, thinker, intellectual, accomplish-er, survivor, good guy, white hat, the whole bit.  I was too good to be with these guys.  Of course, that arrogance would get me no where in here, so I had to lay low and charm my way out, and don't forget, get the tools i needed to be "sober" to stop a few bad "actions" that I had kinda maybe lost control of......yeah, that really is how bad I was.  Then I had this thought.  What if i really did belong with these guys?  Sure they had addictions and problems, but maybe, just maybe I was worse?? how so? I was a liar.  A huge diversionary double-life leading liar.  To keep it simple I was an addict.  Just like those you read about and here about.  I wasn't lying in a literal ditch, or OD'd in the shower, or headed to jail (although I could have been, if i got caught), or anything that you could see that confirmed it, but just as sure as the junkie that weighs 80 lbs and can't eat because he wants to get high, I was addicted.  Now this is a public forum and I have barely scratched the surface of my recovery, so let's talk ground rules.   I am not going to discuss to many specifics of my addictions.  I am not ready.  I haven't figured out how to do it safely yet.  My "sobriety" is really a life or death thing for me so I must be general.  Let me be clear.  My addictions are real, scary, life destructive, crazy things and i will discuss them generally here today, and probably more specifically later.  My wife has been amazing, this blog is something I never dreamed that she would do.  Her honesty and openness has encouraged many people to be more open about their struggles, and that includes me.  I want to be more open and honest about my struggles which is why I am writing this between rehabs, yeah I am going back in......why?? Because as I said, I have barely scratched the surface of my recovery.  If there is one thing that I have learned clearly it is that God is not done yet.  I have pushed Him out along with everyone else that cares for me.  There is turning back, there is Hope, there is recovery!! But first there is pain.  There is hurting.  There is a lot of work to do.  What I (and a lot of people) dismissed as a "behavioral issue" is really a heart condition.  Really a heart disease.  I may have had a disease, but it started with intentional acts, intention cover up, systematic denial and complete insanity.  There are a lot of programs to help recovering addicts, and I don't mean to promote one over another, but a famous one has a second step "We believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to SANITY". At least the quote is close.....I will tell you, my friends, that admitting that we are living as insane persons is a hard task.  Someone, like me, who seems to have it all together, but inside is a jumbled mess of pain, shame, regret, hurt, and then completing the cycle.....right back to "using".  Only to perpetuate the cycle by feeling that pain and shame immediately once again.  As I told my stories in rehab, and spent time with the guys I described above, i learned that I was the same as many of them.  I had the same urges, the same bouts with insanity, the same lies, the same everything.  I may have been different "drugs" but the brokenness was the same.  Here I was, good church boy, in the same ditch.  I found empathy that can only be shared by people who are walking a road together.  I found hope in the stories of people who had hit bottom and recovered many years ago.  I found caution from those who have relapsed so many times, only to give it one more try.  I found encouragement when I was struggling.  The most important thing I found?? It was God.  He has shown Himself through the love that his people have shown.  He has shown the way by ordering the process in the only way I would follow.  He has shown forgiveness through a family that could (some say "should") have given up on me.  That has lead me back to Him, and while I was away at a secular rehab center, if there is such a thing (another story, another time) He has clearly stated that it is time to seek Him more intentionally.  Which is why I am headed now to a Christian based recovery program.  I am terrified to do it.  I am excited to do it.  I must do it.  As I said before, my recovery and my sobriety has become life and death. My recovery is not in my power, remember step 2 above?? Therefore, my relationship with God has become life and death to me.  I will seek Him in the morning, literally, as I leave tomorrow morning for the next chapter.  I covet your prayers.  I am so grateful to a Sustaining God who through His Church (not the building :)) has provided the necessary manna for my family to survive.  He had eliminated my largest objection before I had a chance to worry.  I know He will continue this provision.  I am looking forward to writing again soon.  Take Care and Goodnight!!

NOTE FROM ME::  I do not know why you are reading this.  I don't presume to guess what you are looking for in it.  I want to make one thing clear.  I am a very imperfect messenger.  I feel much like a squire of old, fighting a knight's battle and losing greatly.  I have sat in the King's court and not known Him as I should.  I am now thrust on the battlefields and like a weak and wounded warrior, I am simply trying to go from friendly campsite, to friendly campsite in search of rest, sustenance. and knowledge of the way of Hope.  The way back to the King.  I have no message other than the one God is writing in my life.  I speak of no one's problems but my own.  I make no judgement or comment on anyone else's behaviors.  But I felt compelled to write today in my words the journey as far as I can see it to this point.  I make no other implications and, as the subject matter is very sensitive, discretionary inferences are required for protection and safety of all who are suffering from addiction and it's various forms.