I have been walking the road of mental illness with one of my daughters. It is a deep, pain filled road that more often than not brings me to my knees...but it is there that I find a measure of peace. It is there, laid out on the floor, tears streaming down, prayers groaning from within...that I hear the whisper and that I find the calm. I do not want to walk this road. I want to skip this part. I want to re-route it to a different road...but I can't. This IS the road I am on with her and this IS the road that we will walk...together. I will not give up. I will not stop fighting for freedom for her.
I use to dream of the life that she would have...full of promises fulfilled and dreams achieved...but those dreams have been shattered and the promises reduced to rubble. And I have learned that those were "my" dreams and promises for her...and that God does not operate within "my" boundaries. I have had to learn how to open my palm...completely stretch out each finger...in complete surrender to HIS WILL for my children's life.
When you adopt a child, you have this beautiful image of them embracing your family and the belief system of your family. You imagine them always feeling close to you as their "mom and dad" and you think that the hurt and pain they suffered from will dim with time as your love stands strong and true in their life...and sometimes that is exactly what happens...but sometimes...it's not. Sometimes, your love isn't enough. Sometimes your dreams for them start to vanish like the steam from a cup of hot tea. Sometimes your knees become raw and your voice scratchy from the cries that come from within you. It's actually really hard to explain and I don't think I am doing it justice but let me tell you...it hurts. It cuts at you, your faith, your strength as a parent...as the options become fewer, your faced with the desire we have to "humanly" fix things...or to put ALL of our trust and faith in the very One who created that child. You would think it would be easier than it is...but for me...easy is not a word I would put with being an adopted mommy:)
Our daughter has faced so much pain already, that all I wanted was for her life to be easy from the moment she walked into our home. I wanted to be able to replace all the memories of hurt with memories of beauty and when you can't do that...you feel like a failure as a parent. Your heart aches with a deep ache that comes from your spirit. Your spirit groans within your chest and many times, there are just no words....only groaning. Your prayers come from your lips in a constant that doesn't stop...you pray and pray and pray...and for us...it doesn't always get better...at least not yet.
Since our daughter has reached her upper teen years, the pain and anguish that fills her mind is something that I cannot comprehend. It torments her and she is struggles with things that come from within her own head. She will tell you that she is tormented. She will tell you that she wants it to stop. She will sit across from me with tears pouring down her face asking me to help her...and my heart shatters within me. There are days when I feel as though I may not be physically able to walk out of there leaving her behind...my knees will tremble. My heart will pound. I just want to scoop her into my arms and rock her like I use to do when she was five. I want to hold her hand as she is falling asleep singing prayers over her like we use to do...but I cannot. I know that within mere seconds that same child that is crying for me to bring her home, is capable of picking up a knife and ending my life. That same child that cries for me to bring her home, will change in a matter of seconds into a full blown rage that cannot think of consequences but only of the moment. That same child that cries for me to bring her home, will change in an instant and use anything she can find as a weapon against herself or anyone that is near her. I have to KNOW these things. I have to UNDERSTAND these things...even when I don't want to. I have to make the decision that what is best for her may be the hardest for me...to leave her there. Only a few of you reading this will truly understand what I am talking about...because only a few of you will walk this road beside me.
As I have walked this road and continue to do so I am reminded over and over again of God's great love for us. How many times have I failed Him? How many times have I chosen MY way over His? And what does He do....He loves me. He loves me so much that He chose to adopt me into His family even when He KNEW that I would be unfaithful at times. He chose to adopt me even when He KNEW that I would choose my way over His will over and over again...He KNEW these things before He ever extended adoption to me...and He extended it anyway. That is EXACTLY what it means to be an adoptive parent. We KNOW the road may not be easy...we KNOW the road may break our hearts...but because we are filled with HIS love...we adopt anyway.
I have often thought about what it would have been like if we hadn't adopted her? And every time I do, sadness fills my heart. Adoption is not easy, but the thought of NOT adopting is far worse...because for me...God created our family through adoption. He hand-picked each of our children to come into our home through adoption and create this beautiful piece of grace. Even walking this road with mental illness...I am still so grateful that God allows us to be her parents. I am still so humbled that He chose us.
I will be honest...as she has went deeper into the madness that is mental illness, I miss her. She is not the same girl she was even a year ago...the darkness in her mind is changing her. I miss her laugh. I miss her silly songs and dances or the way she would cry with me over movies. I just miss her. I ache for her to "be better"...and I pray. I pray with all that I am and all that I have for her to become free from this. I pray God will deliver her. I pray His glory will shine through her as He frees her...but even if that doesn't happen....we will love her. Right where she is. Right in this moment. We will love her. I know of no other way. I am her mom. I will always be her mom. I will never, ever stop fighting for her to live a beautiful life.
So if you see me and my eyes are red from tears...or you call me and I cannot talk because my voice is raw from crying...or we meet up and my heart is heavy...please...just listen. Please understand that my daughter is ALWAYS on my mind...I am constantly in prayer for her and sometimes the best things you can do is pray for us as well. That IS the single most powerful thing you can do for a family like ours. Pray. Listen. Don't judge. Don't criticize or say things like," if you would have..." or " things would be different if you would just"....don't say them. They hurt. And our hearts hurt enough. If you want to know more about what it is like...simply ask us. We don't mind telling our story to those who want to hear...but we will not usually tell you first. We guard our hearts carefully because there is so much criticism out there and that is the very last thing we need!
Look around you...talk to the families who have adopted or are fostering or have a child who suffers from mental illness of any sort. Don't forget about them. Do you know one of the most meaningful things any one has done for our daughter? They went to see her. They went to meet her right where she was at. She didn't have to "get better" first...they met with her right there in the facility and loved on her right where she was at. It meant the world to her...and me. Don't be afraid to ask questions...but be ready for answers that are not always pretty. Take a minute to call us up and tell us you are praying for us...for her. These are things that are priceless to us and they create a balm to our wounded hearts.
God's ways are not ours...and many times I simply don't understand His ways...but I do trust His heart. I take a deep breathe...in, out...in, out...and I let the peace of His Words flow over me. Matthew 11:28," Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Psalms 91:1," He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."....take another deep breathe....know that God is speaking over your life....your children's lives....your marriage....He just wants us to lean back against Him and breathe....He wants us to narrow all the worries down to this one moment of grace in our life...this breathe...then the next....let all those worries go and give thanks. Praise Him through all these moments...because these broken moments are revealing a masterpiece of grace and beauty that we would never truly understand unless we walked through each broken piece. We just have to KNOW that He takes the broken and makes the beautiful. Each of us have our own "broken"....and each of us are beautiful in that brokenness.
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