When you are putting on your beautiful wedding gown that you took such care to make sure was the "perfect" dress, the last thing on your mind is how hard this could get. When you are holding the hand of the man or woman you love, looking into their eyes...you are not thinking about the massive amount of forgiveness you will need to give and receive from each other. And because we don't think about the really hard moments, when they happen, we are unprepared to handle it. We get thrown into shock and react instinctively.
But what if we started teaching our young people about the hardships of marriage? What if we talked with them about the difficulties they could face one day and we taught them how to stand strong when that day comes? This is something that I have determined to do with my six daughters. I talk with them about how hard marriage can be...and how worth it, it is! How you can learn so much about the heart of God from within a covenant marriage. So what is a covenant marriage?
A covenant marriage is a marriage that is built on the principle that God is first and your beloved is second. It is built on forever. It is an oath that comes from your lips and reaches across into the spiritual and ties an unending knot between you, your beloved, and God Himself. It is serious. It is not meant to be taken lightly. It is beautiful. It is sacred. It cannot be broken. It is one of the most beautiful covenants that God has given us...so beautiful in fact that He compares His love for us to a marriage.
When I first married JT, I had no idea what adventures and journey's we would take...in such a short time! When I began to fall in love with JT it was because of his love for Scripture...we talked about God's Word alot and he knew far more than I did about them and it challenged me which is something I love to be:) He had a heart for broken children at the time and I had always known that I would become a foster parent so to find a man who had that same desire was awesome! JT also had a heart for teenagers which was something that God had given me shortly after we married and so we began to pray about what that would look like in our life...and then...9 months after getting married...we "had" our first daughter! She was almost five years old and had been abused in some pretty traumatic ways and had some mental retardation as well. But we didn't even blink...of course we would take her and adopt her! It was never even a question for us...I even remember the judge asking JT and I on adoption day if we were really sure about this because we were so young! ( I was 20 and JT was 21) Now being married only 9 months we immediately put a HUGE strain on our marriage because with our daughter came more trauma than I can write. It came with more tears and that sense of having no clue what you are doing but praying you are doing it right anyway....
We then had a house fire shortly after our daughter was adopted and we lost everything. We had to move into a hotel until we figured out what to do...we had been married just over a year. We decided that we would buy a home and put it out on some land by my parents and so began the process of clearing land and preparing for a new home with a daughter who was still needing lots of one on one time and daily help to deal with the trauma of the abuse she went through. As soon as we could, we moved into our home with great excitement and immediately signed up to become foster parents. We finished our classes as quickly as possible and took the first child they called us with....who would later become our adopted daughter as well! We filled our home up very quickly with foster children...many times JT would come home from work and a new child would be with us because it was an "emergency" and I couldn't say no...ever....from disabled to sibling groups to infants to teenagers....it didn't matter. We hadn't been married 6 years when we had had over 16 foster children come and go...adopting four of them...our hearts breaking in so many ways with each of them as many of them had to go back to the very homes that they were abused in with no promise of change....and during all this...we were suppose to be married and working on "us".....
Sometimes I think we forget that satan wants to destroy our marriages...he does not want us to be in any covenant love with God. He would rather we be selfish and focused on all that "should be and isn't" instead of all that " is because of HIM". But God says that what satan meant for evil, God will use for good! This is a promise from the Creator of promises! This is something I cling to on those really hard days:)
Marriage IS hard...but marriage IS wonderful! It is amazing and crazy and wild and passionate and nutty....and worth every step I have taken so far. I pray that as my girls grow up and come to the age of marrying...that they will know that marriage is hard. It will require giving of oneself in ways that you cannot imagine until you are there. It will require trusting and hoping in ways that will not always come natural...and I especially pray that they learn that marriage is beautiful. I pray that they have seen a covenant marriage lived out before them through JT and I and that when the time comes in their own marriage, where they begin to doubt or wonder...they will be able to stand on that covenant. That is my prayer. I came across this quote the other day and I fell in love with it....and so I will leave it with you now...
When I first married JT, I had no idea what adventures and journey's we would take...in such a short time! When I began to fall in love with JT it was because of his love for Scripture...we talked about God's Word alot and he knew far more than I did about them and it challenged me which is something I love to be:) He had a heart for broken children at the time and I had always known that I would become a foster parent so to find a man who had that same desire was awesome! JT also had a heart for teenagers which was something that God had given me shortly after we married and so we began to pray about what that would look like in our life...and then...9 months after getting married...we "had" our first daughter! She was almost five years old and had been abused in some pretty traumatic ways and had some mental retardation as well. But we didn't even blink...of course we would take her and adopt her! It was never even a question for us...I even remember the judge asking JT and I on adoption day if we were really sure about this because we were so young! ( I was 20 and JT was 21) Now being married only 9 months we immediately put a HUGE strain on our marriage because with our daughter came more trauma than I can write. It came with more tears and that sense of having no clue what you are doing but praying you are doing it right anyway....
We then had a house fire shortly after our daughter was adopted and we lost everything. We had to move into a hotel until we figured out what to do...we had been married just over a year. We decided that we would buy a home and put it out on some land by my parents and so began the process of clearing land and preparing for a new home with a daughter who was still needing lots of one on one time and daily help to deal with the trauma of the abuse she went through. As soon as we could, we moved into our home with great excitement and immediately signed up to become foster parents. We finished our classes as quickly as possible and took the first child they called us with....who would later become our adopted daughter as well! We filled our home up very quickly with foster children...many times JT would come home from work and a new child would be with us because it was an "emergency" and I couldn't say no...ever....from disabled to sibling groups to infants to teenagers....it didn't matter. We hadn't been married 6 years when we had had over 16 foster children come and go...adopting four of them...our hearts breaking in so many ways with each of them as many of them had to go back to the very homes that they were abused in with no promise of change....and during all this...we were suppose to be married and working on "us".....
Things like dates, time away, talking...became something that we did less and less because it is very difficult to find a babysitter who understand the issues the children in your home have and there was always a court hearing to prepare for or documents to go over or counseling sessions to attend and don't forget about the counseling that we did every day all day within our home or the tears, fears, and pains you were constantly trying to soothe...sigh...and looking back now, I can see so many signs that JT was struggling but we didn't have other friends who walked the same journey at that time and so finding someone who understood what you were dealing with just didn't happen for us...and so silently we dealt with our insecurities and hurts that we ourselves were gaining through all this. We didn't realize how important friends would be...we didn't understand how valuable time alone would be...and I think....honestly....that somewhere along the way, I may have forgotten how to ask JT how he was really doing. I was so focused on the kids and all the "helping" that needed to be done that putting JT and I on the back burner became easier and easier...we tried to continue "dating" and we still loved each other very much....but communication was much harder. Every time we were together, we would talk about the massive amount of issues we dealt with daily...we stopped talking about our dreams, our goals, and where God was leading us as a family. We began to walk what seemed to me, like totally different paths and instead of growing closer together, I began to see more and more space between us.
So fast forward 7 more years and you have us...here. I have said before but I will say it again...divorce would have been easier for me. It just would have. And when my heart was broken into a thousand pieces, I spent hours on my knees asking God to please let me do that...and every time God would bring this word to my heart. Covenant. I wrestled with that word over and over...covenant....it is such a tiny little word...and yet that word is entwined into the very character of God. He made a covenant with me as His daughter and He will NEVER break that covenant. Ever. No matter how many times I turn my back on Him, or look to someone else instead of Him....His covenant is strong and faithful. I had to really study that word and what marriage means to me and as I did, God began doing a strange and wonderful work in my heart....He began changing it. He began reminding me of all the reasons I loved JT. I began to pray for JT like I had never done before.
Praying over our spouses is probably the most important thing we can do for them...except maybe pray WITH our spouse. There is this beautiful power that comes when a husband and a wife grab hands and humble their knees and hearts before their King. It reaches across the physical and into the spiritual and binds the two spirits together as one. It is absolutely beautiful. And mysterious. And wonderful...I began praying very specific prayers over JT and each part of his body and I thought it would help him...but it in fact, helped me. When you are praying for someone it is so hard to not like them...and God began putting this love for JT back in my heart and now I can honestly say that I love him more than I ever have,...ever....in all of our marriage of 14 years. I love that he is brave and bold facing the things that have held him in bondage for years. I love that he is willing to put everything out there so that freedom can come. I love that he is human. I love that he is broken. I love that he takes his brokenness to the only One who can heal him...and I love that he talks to our girls about that brokenness. I love that he sees God as the perfecter of his faith...and that God is giving him this great desire to help broken people even more now than before! I just love him. And that is only because God took that tiny word...covenant...and made it alive to me. It became real! Not just a vow I said on November 4th 2000....but a covenant that I made between God, JT and myself. JT and I have laughed more in the last few months than we have in years. We have held hands, danced, prayed together, kissed, talked, listened....dreamed....because we are both submitting ourselves to the Creator of our marriage!Sometimes I think we forget that satan wants to destroy our marriages...he does not want us to be in any covenant love with God. He would rather we be selfish and focused on all that "should be and isn't" instead of all that " is because of HIM". But God says that what satan meant for evil, God will use for good! This is a promise from the Creator of promises! This is something I cling to on those really hard days:)
Marriage IS hard...but marriage IS wonderful! It is amazing and crazy and wild and passionate and nutty....and worth every step I have taken so far. I pray that as my girls grow up and come to the age of marrying...that they will know that marriage is hard. It will require giving of oneself in ways that you cannot imagine until you are there. It will require trusting and hoping in ways that will not always come natural...and I especially pray that they learn that marriage is beautiful. I pray that they have seen a covenant marriage lived out before them through JT and I and that when the time comes in their own marriage, where they begin to doubt or wonder...they will be able to stand on that covenant. That is my prayer. I came across this quote the other day and I fell in love with it....and so I will leave it with you now...
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