Puzzle pieces

Somehow all this fits together....in the end the pieces fit together creating a beautiful stunning piece of art that lives and breathes....

 I have always loved puzzles. I have spent countless hours searching for just the right piece that would fit in just the right spot. I have done puzzles with my parents, my siblings, my grandparents, my friends, and now I do them with my husband and girls.I know that for many people they are old-fashioned but for me they still provide a calm and a peace that I love. 

      I have been working on a puzzle with my daughters for awhile now, and it is a really hard one. Sometimes my daughter will find a piece that looks like the perfect fit. She will try and try and try to MAKE it fit....it looks like it should work...maybe if she just tries a little harder, or turns it a different way...but no matter how hard she tries, it is still the wrong piece. It will not fit. Ever. It doesn't belong there. It has really made me think about how many times I try to "force" something that "appears" to be a good thing in my life...to happen. And I get so frustrated sometimes because I keep trying and trying but it just doesn't work. I change the angle I come it at from,,,still doesn't work. I do anything I can think of to FORCE it except the one thing I should do...put it down. Let it go. You see, until my daughter puts down the wrong piece and picks up the right piece she is just going to stay frustrated. She has to understand that the piece is not going to fit. And that another piece is the right one. The perfect fit is there....she just can't give up..
         Who would have thought God could teach me so much from a puzzle! I can see how many times in my own life that I have refused to surrender that one thing, emotion, thought, way of living...that I just KNEW would be the perfect fit for my life. All the while not understanding why I am struggling so hard...never did it occur to me that I was holding the wrong piece. God wants me to willingly surrender all the pieces of my life...ALL THE PIECES OF MY LIFE.....to HIS WILL. And I don't know if I would have ever understood that completely if I wasn't walking this road that I am on. I was holding on to many of "my" pieces...the pieces that are my children, my identity as a wife and mother, making sure we all looked good from the outside...those pieces. I didn't even realize I was holding on to some of them. I didn't realize that every day I would pick up the same exact piece and try to cram it until it fit in my picture of what my life was suppose to be...until all the pieces fell out of my hand in August. I frantically tried to grab them before anyone saw that they were in the wrong spot...but I just couldn't do it. The pieces fell. And I was sitting there looking around at what I thought was complete destruction of my family. I would never have dreamed of my children struggling with mental illness. My husband going through rehab was never once in the picture I had. And telling everyone of our struggles was the worst thought I could ever imagine!

      I am learning every day to lay down those pieces...that it's ok for me to not understand. It is like doing a puzzle without the box so that you can look at the picture:) It is about faith. Oh....that beautiful, infuriating word....faith. It has driven me insane at times trying to understand what it means to truly have faith. To trust without knowing. To believe without seeing. To take a deep breath, fix your eyes on Jesus...and walk...into the storm, out of the boat....just walk. I can tell you that many times for me it is more like a crawl. My heart pounds within me and my knees buckle as I see what lies before me...and it is all that I can do to crawl forward step by step. Many times, I see what lies before me and I have great joy well up in me filling my heart with strength and I run forward boldly and excitedly. And sometimes, I can't seem to see at all...the road is clouded and I have to take each step trusting my King to make sure the road is there...for I cannot see it.
       It's has come down to this for me...do I TRULY believe that God is real? Do I TRULY believe that He is alive and powerful, that He is infinite, that He cares about me....you may chuckle or laugh because you may say," of course God is real! How can that be questioned?! " ....but isn't that what I am doing when I question whether He will provide? Isn't that me, the created, saying to God, the Creator, " I don't know if you can handle this one...I think I will take care of it."...
        I still have so very much to learn about His heart and character! I long with a deep passion to pursue His ways. To find out why they are HIS WAYS. And He is teaching me in that beautiful way of His to put. down. the. piece. The picture He has created out of my life is beautiful. I don't have to know where all the pieces go just yet. I don't have to stress and worry that I may pick the wrong one up...I just have to listen. I just have to heed His voice in my life. I have to open my hands in surrender to Him with ALL OF MY LIFE! I want Jesus to be in every part of my life...I don't want to keep any parts back. It hasn't worked out so well every time I try it...so this time...my hands are opened. My arms are outstretched. My knees are bowed and my heart is quiet...listening...following...trusting...and learning...always learning.