Broken thankfullness

           Here we are at Thanksgiving....and this year it has been such a struggle for me to give thanks. Life is hard this year. Things have happened that I could not have imagined in a thousand years...like my husband going away to rehab, our family being without an income since August, my daughter violently attacking me resulting in her going into a hospital and not being able to live with us....health problems and life problems...JT's grandma getting closer to her heavenly home minute by minute...it has just been a hard year for me to be joyful and praise. 

      I have tried...how I have tried! I have lifted my hands in praise when my knees would not stand. I have fallen in surrender to His will and begged God to just provide peace. This year has come at a great cost to my heart...I have lost pieces of it as I have had to step up and handle many things at once and even though I thought I was stronger...I have learned that I am not. I miss my husband when he is not with me and I miss all the years we have lost due to his addictions. I miss Kari in ways that cannot be expressed in human language. I am tired of money problems and health issues....and my heart has suffered. I have doubted every decision that I have made...ever. I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy and guilt over things that I had no control over and those I did...I have just struggled. My heart has been all over the place...still is most of the time. And I have prayed over and over this..." Why can't I just be thankful?" I have cried over this so many times because ultimately I have one desire...that is to glorify my King above all else and I think I have seriously failed Him in that because I have not always praised. I have complained and felt like life was unfair. I have questioned God many times as to why so many things at once? I have talked to counselors and pastors, friends and family....and still I have struggled. I have felt alone so many times...even when I was counseling other women that they are NEVER alone because we stand together....but in my heart, I have struggled with that alot! The feeling that no one really understands what you are going through or that there is no one to really talk too...it is a lonely feeling. And many times I would turn up the music and I would sing out loud and for awhile I would feel my spirit lift and I would know that God is here in the midst of each moment....just for the next wave to crash over me and my heart to plummet to the ground in despair. Have you ever felt like this? Have you ever struggled daily with something that seems like it will never end in a good way? Have you ever wondered why? Or questioned your faith like you never have before?....I know you have. I know we all do at different times in our lives and being honest about it is so stinkin hard! I have felt like the worst mom on this planet so many times that I began to feel numb. I have felt like the wife who will never "get it" and will hinder her husband rather than help her. I have felt like the daughter or daughter in law who only must disappoint. I have felt like the sister or sister in law who fails more than she succeeds....and it has caused my heart to stumble. It has caused fear and doubt to creep in and taunt me with lies over and over of just how "bad" I am....
      So I have thought long and hard about writing this post....but being brutally honest with the world is something that God will not lay off of my heart until I pick up the computer and write. I fight it sometimes because exposing my heart hurts sometimes and I fear judgement....but following where God leads is something I need to do....even when it is scary and seems painful. I trust His heart to know that He desires good things for us and that if He wants me to write, then that is what I have to do...

        So let me tell you something that God has taught me about Thanksgiving. Because of my struggles within my own heart, I have asked God to forgive me for not being full of thanksgiving and He has shown me that thanksgiving is not always about singing and  being full of "happiness"....sometimes thanksgiving comes from within us so deeply that it is a moaning of thanksgiving....a groaning of our spirit that even though we don't understand the,"why" or the . "how comes"....we still trust. Thanksgiving is sometimes expressed on bended knee with a broken heart. It is sometimes expressed in joyful adoration and praise but not always. Sometimes it is felt in a quiet, almost sad like way....does that make sense? It is something within the spirit of us. Sad does not equal ungrateful. I can be sad about the situation or this part of the journey....but that doesn't mean I am not thankful! I am thankful for what God is doing in my husband's life at Rob's Ranch. I am learning to trust in His plan for my daughter's life and in His provision for our family. I am humbled and thankful for my family in Christ and for how they have never forgotten me....even when I have "felt" like it. I have thankful for my home and my children and this dirt road I live on. I am thankful for starry nights that will take your breath away and for hot bubble baths at the end of a long day.
     When this journey first started for us in August, my sister in law gave me this journal and devotional to keep track of a thousand gifts that God gives us. Every day, I write down things I am thankful for no matter what they are... I have written about socks and dishes, fireplaces and phone calls, dust and giggles...and that is because I REALLY AM thankful for my life. I REALLY AM blessed even in the midst of such chaos. But that doesn't mean that I will always FEEL happy and joyful. I AM thankful....but not joyful. Does that make sense?
    I am ready for this chapter to be over and to move on to this next chapter or even the next book! This part has not been "fun" in anyway....but I am thankful for the chapter. I have learned alot about my faith and how little it really is.  have learned about the beautiful family of Christ and how they take care of us. I have learned how to be stronger ONLY through the strength that comes from Jesus. I have learned ALOT about self control:) I have learned how to think even more before I speak, and how to really listen when someone is talking to you. I have learned how to pray in ways that would be difficult for me to write about. I have learned how to be honest and how to forgive. I have learned how to trust in those who Christ brings into my life to speak life into me and how to let go the words that are spoken to me with sharp barbs and points on them. I have learned...am learning.....alot.
       So I know that tomorrow is a beautiful day of thanksgiving....but for those of you who may not be "feeling" it right now...its ok. I mean it is really ok....just breathe. You are going to be ok. Please don't judge yourself harshly. Don't feel "less" because your heart is not overflowing with joy right now. It is ok if you are muttering your thanks with a heart that is broken. It's ok if you have tears on your cheeks this day...or the next. You will not be alone. We will stand together on our knees maybe, but we will join  our hearts together and will groan out a thanksgiving prayer to our King. I KNOW that He is God. I KNOW that His ways are beautiful....but I rarely understand them anymore. My dear friends who are sad and broken hearted or dealing with depression today...take a deep breathe. Pull your face up toward the sun, talk a slow walk outside and just listen....hear the wind sweep across the tress and know that God sees you. He hears each beat of your broken heart. He sees your spirit lifting up its thanksgiving with such brokenness....and He meets you right there....in the midst of where you are. For that I will always be thankful. Happy Thanksgiving my friends. God bless each of you on this day....